The Young Man Whose Songs Seem Yells of Pain.

He showed up on a Sunday afternoon a few weeks ago.

He commandeers the iron bench on Main Street below our apartment window to the left, in front of GoBerry's. I'd say he's in his late 20's or very early 30's. He looks sort of like a grad student.

This man plays guitar adequately like many of the street guys do. It's his singing that draws attention from onlookers on both sides of the street. You'd have to be very hard of hearing not to look. He's stands out because he yells when he sings and I mean yells sometimes as the very top of his lungs - carotid popping yells, more like bellowing, sometimes. It's intense and remarkably loud.

What I noticed in his style is that he doesn't pay much attention to intonation, and phrases tend to fall off into almost speaking. It's clear melodic lines are driven by the flow of words, and it's the words that give this young man away. They are full of pain, especially of the "Woman, you've done me wrong. You've broken my heart. You don't know what love is," variety. The words and sheer intensity of his singing point to anguish and then anger. He has a repertoire of only 3-4 songs it seems, but they all return to the same theme of betrayal.

I don't know if this is just his style, or he really has gone through a horrific break-up, but he tends to yell as much as sing or speak in the song. It's the yelling that gets people gawking. Many point and laugh because of the yelling. I'm not sure he notices all that much. His eyes are often closed. And folks aren't resonating with his anguish, real or portrayed. They look, point him out, and chuckle. Then they move on, which is too bad if he's really pouring out his heart to heal or free himself from the pain inflicted by someone who shouldn't have.

He's quickly become a curiosity like so many in this town who dress, talk and act radically unlike the mainstream. Northampton's diversity invites with relish free expression which can fall on the weird side sometimes, especially in the eyes of "weekenders." It's part of what makes Northampton, Northampton, I think.

He's not been around for a week and was here before only for two.

If he's hurting I'd like a chance to ask his him why. I'd also like to suggest he use the yelling judiciously, as a dramatic exclamation point not a comma. I think it'd be more powerful and evoke listening rather than pointing and gawking. He might even have something universal to say, but nobody likes to be yelled at repeatedly, especially by strangers.

How Much Does God Really Have of Me...or You?

"God has all of me there is to have." William Carey

"The research has consistently shown over the past two decades that the lives of born-again Christians are indistinguishable from those of people who do not claim Jesus Christ as their savior." George Barna 

" In other words, most Christians have a relationship with God that could be described as "active but stalled" - a connection that has plateaued in its passion and influence, despite the continued commitment of time and energy to religious activity." George Barna

A few weeks ago, Jim LaMontagne gave a talk at our Sunday gathering in his Beyond Us: How God Moves Us Beyond Ourselves series. Talking about Abraham, he included a response William Carey gave to a question about his success as a missionary. As noted above, Carey said God had all of him; he was completely dedicated to the ways of God and redemptive mission of God - 100% commitment.

It got me thinking about what percentage God has of me, of my heart and will? While a number doesn't necessarily reveal much, and will inevitably be a subjective ranking at best (I'll skew it to a higher number most likely), it can be a helpful glimpse, especially as an aid to honest self-assessing, where I really am.

In my heart of hearts, I want it to be 100%, especially since I've been in Northampton. It makes little sense to me to be less committed. I don't like the spiritual dissipation of chasing after the wind blowing from the world's useless greeds and lusts. After all, what higher aspiration in this world could a person have than being a "fully-devoted follower of Jesus Christ?" The privilege of serving the King of kings ranks as chief in my estimation. At the same time, I've experienced lukewarmness and distracted indifference over the years. In my spiritual growing, I've been detained by other activities which sparkled but turned out to be fool's gold. As Barna notes, I've been "active, but stalled," "plateaued" on vast mesas of wandering or going after a brass ring that ends up to be tin foil.

As I think about it, God having all of me means his ways and his Kingdom mission are my pearl of great price. Therefore, being a husband, father, grandfather, spiritual formation catalyst, drummer, and friend all draw a bead on an overriding Purpose. My time, talent, money, stuff, hopes, dreams, and rights becomes means to achieve the End to which I've been summoned. There is no compartmentalizing "sacred and secular." I don't go to church; I am the church (you know what I mean). Being a Jesus-follower is a full-time gig with no time off or retirement as long as I'm on this side of Paradise.

I've been "working out my salvation" for almost four decades. It's not been pretty, but God has much more of me now than he did when I crossed over into the Kingdom  in 1972. I have a passion to see Christ glorified in this world and to see people snatched from the jaws of desolation in this world and the next. I love Jesus and have come to believe he actually loves the quixotic likes of me. There is so much evidence. 

So while I'm not completely confident he has all of me just yet, I can say I want him to. I can also say I hope I can get there while I'm still on this "terrestrial ball." Yeah, I know I may not be able to recognize it even if he's grants me 100% status, but he has my full permission to get me there.

The question is what about you dear reader? Can you say with confidence, "God has all of me there is to have?" If no, what do you still withhold from him? Why? With the Holy Spirit guiding you, take an inventory of your heart's true allegiances. Where are you compromised because of besetting or past, unconfessed sin or still holding onto the word's pleasures, attainments, privileges and distractions? Where does fear keep you doggedly pursuing safety and security? Where has disappointment and setback lead to detachment and indifference.? Where are you just tired and have given up? Worse yet, where are you kidding yourself thinking that your current "religious" commitment is just fine?

What if God actually had all there is of you to have? What would it look like? What would you need to change, and today for that to happen? How would your life be different?

Does it matter to you? It should.

Ask Jesus to do whatever it takes to get you there, and I really mean whatever it takes. As you read that sentence, notice if there was resistance or detachment, subtle or otherwise. Ask God to identify it right now. It's indicates where you really are in following Jesus and what really stands in the way of full surrender and inviting him to make you 100%.

Exploring the Practice of Bible -Thumping: Elevating the Percussive Discourse.

 A few days ago I caught a glimpse of an interview with Kid Rock talking about not wanting Bible-thumpers running the government, and I began to wonder about the practice of Bible-thumping itself. I'd never given it a thought before. I'd always assumed a thump was just a heavy, dull sound, leading me to wonder about the actual methodology of Bible-thumping. How's it done? And why would the Kid not want them in the government? The thumping sound could be annoying, I guess, if it's incessant and loud, but was Bible-thumping so?

As a drummer, I'm always interested in the percussive possibilities of various sound sources and have used all manner of "found-objects" over the year to create interesting, nuanced sounds for improvisation when afforded the chance, but I'd never included the Bible as having any real potential in that regard. I've been a Christian a long time and have never seen anyone actually play the Bible. I've read and studied the Bible. I've discussed it. I heard it taught and preached, and have done so myself, but I've never heard the Scriptures actually thumped, with or without skill. I've read all sorts of books on Church history, Christian theology, apologetics, even Christian art and aesthetics with nary a mention of thumping. Why the silence in the Church and the annoyance in the overall culture?

What's weird is non-Christians seem to know about it, and don't like it. How are they privy to Bible-thumping, whereas I being a Christian of 39 years cannot point to one experience of the glories of the WORD-thump. I would think it'd be the most sacred of the percussive arts, including Psalm 150's call to praise God with the tambourine and clashing of cymbals (my favorite). While I get that zero non-Christian bands use a Bible-thumper, but what's weirder still, neither do Christian bands.What's going on here? Maybe playing the Bible requires a level of mastery few are able to achieve. Perhaps it's a theological issue, i.e., the Scriptures should be studied and preached, yes, but not played - especially when they're being preached. I agree with that.

Not to be deterred by my questions, and being the intrepid seeker I am, I decided yesterday to try Bible-thumping after church - didn't want to draw attention! I picked up my trusty bonded-leather NIV Study Bible, put it on my lap, and began to explore the idiophonic landscape. I noticed a few things right away:

• Playing with the full-hand extended produces a fat thump bringing out the lower tones of the leather tome especially at the fleshy "heel" similar to a small bass drum. Sweet!
• Playing with the tips of the fingers yields a warm, mid-sized tom sound, adding a little more definition and variety to the thumping milieu. Also, single stroke rolls make more sense with this technique.
• Playing on the spine with the thumbs or fingers yields a higher pitch a little like a snare drum, especially if you snap your wrists to give the thumbs some velocity.
• Bible-thumping with a bonded leather instrument yields little resonance, a drawback in my mind. I can see that it could be a special effects percussion instrument rather than the main groove-keeper. It would also need to be miked well, unless in an all-acoustic setting.

I also tried my hard-bound and thick ESV Study Bible to hear the differences of a hardcover playing surface. I took off the dust jacket because it produced an annoying and thin paper rattle. I immediately did not like what I heard. The hard cover has a more brittle sound emphasizing the attack. There is no resonance or warmth whatsoever. I doubt devotees of the thumping arts would use these inferior instruments accept for special effect, although I can't imagine what musical setting would benefit.

In the final analysis, I don't really get why non-Christians always speak of Bible-thumpers in the pejorative. My experience with the leather NIV produced a warm, low-volume, unobtrusive sound suitable for playing around the Christian campfire or in small groups. It's much less dominating than a djembe or tambourine. And, we're literally bringing the Word into worship in a fresh, new and exciting way by using it!

So I have a dream that soon legions of Bible-thumpers will join worship teams all over this great land. They will humbly take their places in youth group sing-a-longs and on retreats. Bible-thumpers will add their voice to small group worship and Women's Conferences. Master Bible-Thumpers who have serving hearts and creative fire will join the songs of joy and freedom in churches big and small.

Let's bring home Bible-thumping and elevate the percussive discourse! Selah!!!

Decoding the "I'm Spiritual, Not Religious" Response.

I don't know how it is where you live, but here in Northampton, and I suspect throughout New England, if people don't outright confess radical indifference or atheism, they might retort when engaging a Christian: "I'm not religious; I'm spiritual." Another translation might be: "I'm not into organized religion, especially Christianity."

If you get a chance to poke further you'll hear organized religion is full of rules, long list's of do's and don'ts, especially the don'ts. Religion is an antiquated, exclusive club filled with judgmental, narrow-minded, out-of touch people who feel better than others. Religious people have the right religion and everyone else is wrong and hell-bound if they don't see the light from their myopic perspective. They also don't practice the core tenets of their religion in any rigorous way. There also Republicans, Tea Partiers, and/or Glenn Beck fanatics.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of people who  believe deeply in, and are dedicated to spiritualities of all sorts, even those they've created or cobbled together themselves. They are humane practitioners of spiritual/ethical concepts or ancient traditions, and want the planet to be a better place to live for all because they practice their beliefs sincerely. They also love the freedom of an individually-tailored spiritual ethos. Such an ethos has no strictures beyond what they hold, and can be altered at will because they determine its shape without fear of judgment or censure.

Writing what I'm about to write is in no way intended to discount, belittle or mock what someone else believes. All of us are made in the image of God and are to be treated as such, even if I vehemently disagree with them. Civility will out.

The CODE:

Having perceived or experienced the judgmental, hypocritical, controlling and destructive sides of religion so evident all around me, I choose a better option, one which seems more humane to me.
I can shape, practice and change it  if I so decide, without pressure or censure from others. It reflects what I value and feel and reflects who I am, not what someone else says I should be. In so doing, I maintain my integrity and self-determination. Besides, no one can be really sure their god is the God, can they . . .

Upon thinking about it, here's where I've landed about people who see themselves as spiritual not religious:

1. They might have a concept of a personal God or they might not.

I've noticed someones being spiritual doesn't have to include a personal God, an actual transcendent Being who created and sustains the universe. It can be expressed as a type of cosmic consciousness or feeling of the numinous. There is something binding all humanity together and it's of "spirit," but not a personal Deity everyone must acknowledge or follow. This belief is fluid, organic and must not be codified in a system of rules and strictures or it turns into a religion. Some of these folks may see themselves as ethical Deists, but that's as close as they come to an actual God. There may be a God, but who can know for sure. Others will tap into a god-conscious through certain esoteric practices, a kind of we're all part of the god energy and need to develop or release it. There is no need for an anthropomorphized deity.

2. They are not particularly interested in imposing their personal spirituality on others.

Because being spiritual for these folks is a matter of individual choice, they support the freedom of everyone to define and practice their own spiritually. Existential individuality and sovereignty is highly prized. Why would anyone impose their beliefs on any one else who has a perfect right to choose his or her own belief. To each his/her own in matters of the spirit. It's a core value by definition.

3. They might not be very concerned about appealing to universal Truth to verify their spirituality. 

Akin to the above, another central tenet of being spiritual is that Truth is what a person deems it to be at any one point in time. Your truth is your truth and mine is mine. All truth claims are relative (well, except the universal truth that all truths are relative, but why nitpick) although intuition synchronized to the Universe or connecting psychic energy can lead to a person's truth. So someone cobbling together her spirituality accepts her spirituality is true for her and doesn't particularly wrestle with the need to anchor truth claims to an authoritative, universal standard binding everyone which verifies and give weight to individual belief. Apparently, it's not necessary because a person's truth will morph into what's seems true at the time based on new messages or intuitions. It can be discarded for something more spiritually helpful, captivating or seemingly powerful.

4. Their set of beliefs may be systematic or not, but most aren't.

As I noted earlier, most of the time people who see themselves as spiritual, but not religious tend not to sit down and carefully think through and craft a system of spiritual beliefs. They're not looking to create a new religious cult others can follow (there are notable and tragic exceptions, the Branch Davidians, for instance). The bulk of spiritual people tend to want something simple and portable, not complex and cumbersome. For them its mostly a no fuss, no muss enterprise with few requirements beyond what is helpful or feels right at the time.

5. They might be reacting to troubling experiences they've had with religious people, especially Christians.

I suspect most of you have had conversations with people who'd had painful, maybe even traumatic, experiences with Christians or churches. They'd grown up in a church or had an encounter with someone who hurt or deeply offended them by their behavior. Their response was something like, "If this is what Christians are like I want nothing to do with them or their churches." They've seen egregious examples of hateful, abusive, or hyper-critical believers in the media and distanced themselves from the faith. They maybe OK with Jesus, but his followers are hypocrites. While it's generally never fair or accurate to judge everyone for the behavior of a few, the reality is many spiritual people can point to troubling experiences with people who called themselves Jesus-followers. They hold Christians to a higher standard or see them as outrageous and mean-spirited hypocrites.

6. They tend not to hold a view of eternal judgment in their spirituality. 

Most people who are spiritual, but not religious have trouble conceptualizing hell or any other place of eternal judgment. They cannot imagine a supremely good God or Life-force condemning people to eternal punishment for sin. Yeah, we've all done stuff we're not proud of, but does it really warrant being condemned forever to a horrific place like hell? In fact, even the idea of sin is overblown in their thinking. They might admit that people are not perfect. We all make mistakes. While they agree some do very bad things, they view life as a kind of opportunity to become the good people they really are, or exemplars through the practice of spiritual exercises taught by shamans, and settling into their own true divinity.

7. They might cobble together bits and pieces of other spiritualities to create their own.

Most spiritual people I've gotten to know who actually practice some sort of belief have cobbled together a personal spirituality that is a fluid amalgam of Buddhism, Humanist Psychology, Neo-Paganism, magic, Eastern mysticism, Gaia and parapsychology, Holistic healing, and New Age syncretism. The process for creating this patchwork of belief is generally not done systematically, but grows over time from exposure to people and popular ideas about god flowing through our culture from time to time. Because there is no commonly-held theological framework from which to examine and test the veracity of a spiritual concept people are free to pick and choose what appeals to them from one point to the next. It's all fluid and organic. Besides, who's to say any particular person's spiritual belief is more right or true that theirs? What works for me right now is what matters.

8. Being a good person may be the sum total of being spiritual to them.

I've found the point in being spiritual and not religious is learning to be a good person as defined by their individual ethic or morality: while we're not perfect, as long as we are trying to be good, were on the right track. In fact, some of these folks may be paragons of human virtue, exhibiting what Christians would see as an exemplary person. The problem is that it assumes all of us can be good on our own if we really put our hearts in it. First, we define what is good. Second, we determine if we are being good. The problem is there's no proof our being good will merit anything in the end if there really is a Holy God who requires an accounting for our motives, attitudes and behaviors. Again, because there is probably no holy and perfect God who will hold us all accountable for our life. There is no objective judgment, and we are all "free" to do the best we can. It all will work out it the end somehow. (I hear a faint whistling in the dark right now)

9. Their spirituality may be tied to feelings induced by substances or intense feelings and experiences.

There are folks who've experienced the numinous from being high. For instance, I knew a man who spent an afternoon lying on a beach in Mexico after taking peyote and experiencing a spirit he was sure was an angel or God. It shaped his spirituality profoundly. We know drugs can create altered states of consciousness where the demonic can manifest and deceive people into thinking they have seen God.  Also, intense and sustained emotional states, especially of joy or pleasure can do the same. If a person has an extraordinarily moving experience of Beauty or the mysterium tremendum they may feel they have encountered God in some abstract way. This kind of induced spirituality can be very convincing, but doesn't necessarily entice them to explore what they see as religion in any way.

10. Lastly, there is a group of folks who'll say they're spiritual and have absolutely nothing to back it up. They've never really given any thought to what that means. It's just a reaction to get you off their back. If even have a chance to pin them down you'll get a mish-mash of pop culture blather, at best.

*  *  *

Given the above, how might a "religious" person communicate effectively with a spiritual person?

First, look for some sort of common ground. I think it's fair to say most people lean toward (there are resolute exceptions), for a Reality outside of their daily experience which offers peace, hope, meaning, joy and promise for a better existence. We have longings for more of something, even if we can't put a name to it. People also want to be loved and validated that they matter. A spiritual person may have similar spiritual values as a religious person. Those can serve as the basis for a genuine conversation. Both kinds of people long for more of meaning, for being loved and taken seriously, for hope, peace and having their needs met. We can begin where we agree.

Second, respect the other person's belief no matter how strongly you might disagree with it. Treat them as you'd want to be treated regarding something important to you. Do not be threatened by what they believe, including their criticism of your beliefs (you know, "sticks and stones . . .), if it is offered. Listen well. What is their heart saying in their words? What you're looking to inspire is honest dialogue to bridge understanding. So you might say things like"

"Obviously your spirituality has great meaning and importance to you. Mine is too."

"Help me understand how you got there and what it gives to you." Why are you convinced it's true?"

May I tell you why I believe so deeply in what I've experienced?"

What happened that made Christianity or church so unattractive to you?

Third, what you're working toward is being able to build a relationship where you can continue the dialogue with the person, especially people you work with, live next to, or have some other common experience with, such as your kids are on the same baseball team. You'll know you have established a real relationship if either person can ask questions which challenge the other person's belief without causing rancor. Because you've gotten to know and trust each others good intentions through shared values and experience, you can venture into potentially threatening issues without destroying the relationship. You may end up agreeing to disagree, but the door remains open for reflecting the love of Jesus to them in other ways. Your humanity has connected with theirs and it feels safe to both of you.

I've seen deep friendships built despite rigorous dialogue around opposing beliefs about the existence of God - John Marks and Craig Detweiler, for instance. All of us should have those friendships. Perhaps doing so is akin to Paul's statement: "To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." (1Corinthians 9:22) Without really caring for people and identifying with their common humanity, there will be no basis for relating beyond the superficial or impersonal. They are not targets; they might be someones mother, father, son, daughter, husband, wife, grandparent, significant other, care-giver, neighbor, etc.

Decoding the "I'm spiritual, not religious" retort is a matter of knowing what is and isn't being said in that response, and then looking to build a bridge of dialogue which can subversively dismantle assumptions and misconceptions on both sides. We need to get good at this. Shying away from "uncomfortable" interchanges over matters of God is exactly the opposite of what God summons us to. On the other hand, neither are we to be drawing people into pointless arguments other to prove we're right.

Jesus-followers are responsible for enticing genuine dialogue so we have the chance to speak the truth in love and open others to the heart of God. He is the One who changes a heart, but we need to show up, engage, listen wisely, befriend and converse with respect, and a fearless desire to lovingly draw people to the One who wants them in his family.

inward/OUTWARD Spiritual Formation: The Missional Matrix.

Last night we launched imagine/Northampton's first 14-week inward/OUTWARD Spiritual Formation Workshop. The goal is to link intimacy with God through the spiritual disciplines of listening prayer and reflection on how he is forming a person's heart after his heart with the call on every Jesus-follower to take up and exercise the primary identity of being a Kingdom-revealing missionary. The two are inextricably linked in the call to love God from the core and one's neighbor as oneself by living transparently in a way which opens them to Jesus.

I have to say in my 37 years of "working out my salvation," learning to listen to God, and accepting the call to embrace a core identity of being a missionary have formed me spiritually in ways other aspects of the Christian life have not. Both have revolutionized my grasp of the "normal Christian life," changing me profoundly.

So here's how I currently understand the missional matrix, matrix being defined as "a situation or surrounding substance within which something else originates, develops, or is contained."

First, inward spiritual formation is the Holy Spirit-birthed transformational process where a person becomes aware of the God who is really there. He or she assents to, not just the possibility of this God, but the fact of this God. It's an "I know that I know that I know," affirmation because of encountering him. The eyes of the heart have been opened, the blind see what before was hidden from view. The mind begins to grasp what the heart has yielded to and spiritual formation begins.

That formation grows as the love relationship deepens between God who transcends Space and Time, and the person who has opened to him. Because Jesus became "one of us," we're able to come near him. Intimacy with the One who's so far beyond our meager comprehension is developed  through real-time interaction of the Spirit and the person in dialogue whether by means of the Scriptures, prayer, worship or following him in missional service.

I've found over the years in my formation and through helping many people grow spiritually that the deepest and most lasting transformation comes because the heart has become convinced of the love of God. Intimacy is most a matter of the heart. The mind understands what the heart has come to experience in relationship to God, but if the heart remains distant, the mind has limited grasp of intimacy.

So in the Workshop we begin with Listening Prayer. If people learn to discern God's "still, small voice" they can find intimacy with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. Much of what God says in this interplay of intimacy has to do with his desire for the person to draw close, trust him, change, surrender, obey and follow wholeheartedly. His words address the whole person, but as:

• a loving Father to a child,
•  an affectionate Friend to a friend, 
• a faithful Lover to his beloved,
•  a masterful Teacher to his student,
• a beneficent King to his valued subject,
• a good Master to his loved bondservant.

Even when he instructs or corrects his children in listening prayer, study, or deep contemplation, it's never to crush the spirit by belittling, mocking or harsh accusations (that's the adversary's modus operandi). There is no rage or vitriol. His words are meant to teach, inspire, convict, transform and mature his people leading to life and freedom. In learning to listen to God we're being trained to hear his voice and know what he cares for. Our ability to discern his ways in and through us is fine-tuned. We walk by faith to be sure, but it is informed faith coming from knowing his voice whether we are listening, reading, thinking, looking, doing or reflecting.

I hope you're beginning to see how intimacy with God is inextricably linked to living the primary identity of being a missionary. The missional way of life centered on incarnating the redemptive Kingdom of God in all our comings and goings flows from having spent all sorts of intimate time alone with God, just as Jesus went out into the lonely places overnight to be with his Father. Can you imagine what those conversations must has been like? The Father and Son in complete unity on the verge of dismantling Satan's assault on Creation, defeating the curse of death, and setting the stage for the Church to be birthed...talk about intimacy and unity!

Simply put, hours built up being alone with God listening and reflecting, equip any follower of Jesus to bring the Kingdom to people who can't see him. We are all called to go forth and make disciples. Because our hearts become deeply fond of our Abba, Savior, Lord and Comforter due to his astounding goodness, beauty and truth, we want others to get to know him. Living in a world awash in suffering and sin, and seeing people held cruelly captive to every manner of evil sparks compassion in people who've come to know God's heart.

Inward spiritual formation trains a Jesus-follower to see opportunity for loving service which breaks down walls. Because he or she has come to know and trust the voice of his gracious Lord, a readiness for engaging people gradually can take hold. God can direct such a person in the moment to interact with someone, or see an opportunity to offer grace and help. Followers accustomed to hearing God's voice respond more readily when he summons them to connect with a stranger or ask a question which opens a spiritual dialogue with someone for the first time. Such readiness becomes a way of life, natural, not forced or canned. It fits the person's personality and is not some script to robotically follow.

The reality remains, Jesus is out in the community doing Kingdom work already and we are summoned to be with him as he does so. When we know how to hear and discern his prompting, we put ourselves in the middle of what he's already prepared the ground for: salvation, healing, feeding the hungry, visiting the sick and warehoused, befriending a street person, helping a prostitute leave the life, spending time with elderly shut ins, helping a co-worker mend a marriage or deal with an out-of-control teenager, taking an addict to AA, or even relocating to another country to live the Gospel for the poorest of the poor. The opportunities for outward spiritual formation are endless. Drawing inward propels us outward because we encounter Jesus and the heart of the Father for the world.

So our current inward/OUTWARD Spiritual Formation Workshop aims at helping our folks learn the inward disciplines so they can move out more and more in the Kingdom work they were hand-picked for.

If you've questions as to our availability of doing this at your church, let us know by 1.) responding here, 2,) emailing at kit@imaginenorthampton.org, or 3.) calling the imagine offices: 413.585.5830.

Raising Boys Into Emotionally Mature Men, Part II.

1. Living by core values (living for something greater than the unholy trinity of me, myself and I).

Most measures of emotional maturity give high marks to living for transcendent values which align the person to ethical, moral or spiritual non-negotiables ennobling him or her if practiced for a lifetime. In my way of thinking living by universal core values which bring blessing to others actually humanizes a person. A life lived for something (SomeOne) greater than one's self captures what used to be termed the "normal Christian life." Jesus summed it best for me when he said the fulfilling of all the Law and the Prophets resided in loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and your neighbor as yourself. The converse is a spiritually pathological self-absorption: I am the center of the universe and others are merely servants of my desire and will, or bit players in the masterpiece of my life, entering and leaving the stage as I determine. They exist for me.

Helping a boy develop emotionally mature core values gives him eyes to see and love what is priceless in this world: God, persons, sacrificial love, humility, honor, service, compassion, wisdom, truth, generosity, defending the oppressed and defenseless, etc. It starts with learning behaviors like sharing, admitting wrongdoing, being considerate, helping, not hurting people, etc. The goal is to help a boy see others in his life as more than extensions of what he wants.

Life is packed with value-teaching moments, and it's a father's responsibility to take advantage of them repeatedly, modeling and encouraging his son's building life around transcendent core values. A father shows his core values by what he actually lives as non-negotiable, When his words and deeds match his values consistently in front of his son, he incarnates them so they're understood as real and attractive to imitate. He imprints them on his son. The boy must eventually choose, but he is given ample opportunity to emulate what his dad values most.

A distant, angry detached, unavailable, preoccupied or boyish father seriously wounds his son's ability to grasp healthy masculine core values. He learns a wounding message of indifference or antagonism which threatens to blind and cripple his ability to vitally connect with others, much less noble, transcendent values. He can become trapped in a life of habitually serving me, myself and I, thus living as a detached stranger. A detached man is a wandering alien cut off from true relationship, lost in an endless cycle of self-serving transactions with strangers. Every person will value something; it's how God wired humanity. A dad who sees it as his duty to help his children know the right, good, true and beautiful in a winsome and loving way increases exponentially the likelihood his children will be loving people living their "utmost for his highest."

2. Facilitating the priceless attribute of character.

If a boy is able as he grows to internalize transcendent core values reflecting the good, true and beautiful, he will also be developing his character. Character is another sine qua non of maturity, masculine or feminine. It carries with it notions of integrity, soundness, competence and dependability. A person of character has an earned reputation for trustworthiness, steadfastness and authenticity. Someone demonstrating character is relied on because his deeds consistently confirm his words. People don't refer to him as someone who is "all talk," and not to be believed, because while he may say "he'll get it done," experience often contradicts his words. People learn to believe such a person will not come through; he or she has lost credibility.

One of the sure ways both parents can facilitate character development in a boy is by training a strong work ethic into him. He needs to see there are times for play and times for work. Both are good. A strong work ethic takes root by involving a boy in helping around the house or in the yard, Dad's if they can, should include their sons (and daughters for that matter) in their professional work life, and strive to teach the normalcy, responsibility and pleasure of work well done. He should encourage him to help his mother in her work as well. At young ages, making work fun, and rewarding efforts slowly solidifies the idea in a boy that work isn't something to be avoided or is just for mom and dad. Gradually, he learns to take responsibility and builds confidence in his ability to do so.

It's disastrous for a young man not to have a healthy work ethic or sense of responsibility for himself and toward others. It can draw his emerging life into becoming a trainwreck, and set in motion excruciating years of failure, deceit, fear and shame. A man who won't work is a man cut off from his being. He gradually loses himself in a paralyzing boyhood of diminishing returns. He will serve his pleasures and cravings instead. On the other hand, a young man who can be trusted with increasing amounts of responsibility because he's developed character will earn respect and have opportunity given to him. He's found a critical piece of what he was made for.

3. Helping bring forth service as raison d'etre.

The Scriptures teach that avidly pursuing a life of serving God and others as the fundamental reason for being alive is what we were all created for: Mk. 10:45; Ro. 12:11; Deut. 13:4; Gal. 5:13; 1 Pe. 4:10; Lk. 22:26-27; Jn. 12:26.  We glorify God in all we do by reflecting his servant heart. Therefore, a man with a servant heart is well-pleasing to God and of great blessing to other people.

Masculine emotional maturity finds its deepest expression in the freedom to be a servant rather than the childish idea of the macho man who demands to be served. That man is a caricature and a boy. True and godly emotional maturity requires the loyal obedience of a bondservant to his LORD and Master. We don't like that notion because of the ignoble history of humans cruelly forcing other humans (including children), into harsh involuntary servitude, even today. In reality, the Greek word used in the Bible (NT) repeatedly for servant is doulos which actually translates to slave. In other words, a Jesus-follower's reason for being is to serve Christ and his Kingdom interests as his primary identity and "reasonable" service.

To help a son embrace such radical service (either vocationally or as a fundamental attitude in everything) as a chosen way of life helps him move close to his Kingdom missional calling, thus preventing the all-too-common bifurcation of what he does in the Kingdom and what he does in the world. All of life becomes an existential platform for serving Jesus -- the way it should be.

Therefore, he should see his dad as one who's eager to serve; one who initiates serving at home in concert with his mom, in the neighborhood, at church, or even for strangers. Such a dad helps without complaining. He's a "what can I do?" kind of guy. No job is too ordinary or beneath him to be done and done well, cheerfully and with integrity. A dad who constantly complains about having to help around the house or shows indifference to a family's many chores, especially "woman's work" sends a boyish and wrong message to everyone in the household. In so doing, he serves the One to whom he belongs, emulating his nature.

4. Nurturing your son's giftedness.

One of the most important blessings a parent can give his son is to look for and recognize the gifts he's been given and call them forth. I had a brilliant mentor who has an understanding of giftedness second to none. I worked with him for 10 years helping people discover their motivational design of gifts. I still do such work.  He's written a book, (Discovering Your Child's Design, http://www.amazon.com/Discovering-Childs-Design-Ralph-Mattson/dp/155513226X,)  and worked extensively on the matter. His name is Ralph Mattson. In my opinion. you'd be wise to purchase and read it with your spouse.

When you understand how compelling motivational giftedness is, and its link to emotional maturity, you want to help ignite it in your son. Giftedness is linked to emotional maturity through the door of developing a sound work ethic and drive to serve. Valuing hard work, developing skill, and seeking a job well done is enhanced by being able to work in areas which are intrinsically motivating. There is pleasure and purpose in being able to do what we're designed to do. God did not make us like ants or bees programmed to perform our role as automatons. In his exquisite goodness, he gave us the ability to receive pleasure meaning in work. An emotionally mature man will use his gifts to do serving work which must be done regardless of it being intrinsically motivating, and work which makes him feel alive. The point is to balance both. Both bring God glory with the right heart-attitude.

So it's important for a father to notice what naturally seems to captivate his son in play. What is he drawn to naturally without being influenced or coerced? What patterns of behavior and effort do you see often? What do you notice he has potential for because there seems to be beginnings of a knack for something like:

• physical agility or speed, 
• the ability to figure out simple problems or come up with a creative way to do something, 
• a rich fantasy life or fascination with stories,
• strong communication skills,
• loving to work with his hands and build structures,
• the ability to draw or a fascination with a musical instrument lying around the house,
• a love of machines and how things work etc.,
• organizing things and creating order.

remember, you're looking for patterns and repeated activities he just naturally moves toward. In those areas, you should provide all sorts of activities to explore and try with increasing sophistication as he ages or until he finds another fascination (there may be many). If done in an atmosphere where you are also teaching him the value of work and doing a good job, you provide an open road and the necessary encouragement to help him make a mature approach to finding who he is motivationally, and you let him know it is good to do so.

5. Teaching him to be able to pursue and hold the heart of a woman for life.

I can't stress how important this is for masculine emotional maturity, and a God-honoring relationship with the woman a man commits to walk with through all of life. I've had the excruciating experience many times of seeing how a boy in a man's body can crush the heart and spirit of the woman he stood next to promising love and honor all of his days. Sure, I know some women, because of their woundedness and emotional immaturity, can be the ones who kill the relationship no matter how honorably a man tries to love and serve her. But, truth will out, my experience has been it's the man who refuses to grow up and take responsibility to lead spiritually, and pursue his wife's heart with courage and sacrificial love. He convinces his soul-weary wife he does not love her by his continual indifference to her feelings and needs, and willful self-absorption. She eventually becomes convinced because he taught her so for years.

Reason for hope comes from the fact a father has a great opportunity to open his son's heart to the other sex. When he is a little boy it comes in the form of loving his wife and showing her deep respect and honor in front of his son. Mommy is special to daddy. He is continually affectionate to her in front of his kids (not sexual mind you). He honors her and shows deference to her opinions and preferences. he is always helping do chores around the house and helping lessen her load in any way he can. It also comes from dad helping his son see his sisters as people to love, respect, and befriend. Yeah, sibling rivalry can be formidable between brothers and sisters, but dad models and teaches that a boy's sisters are family, family is precious, and learning to relate is important. Simple, he learns how to be with girls in a way that honors them as God's creation like he is.

Secondly, an emotionally mature father requires his sons to treat their mother with kindness, affection and respect, especially as the boys get older, particularly in the teen years. She is never the hired help or their peer who can be bossed, ignored or abused, including verbally. Dad is in complete unity with Mom in front of the kids, especially in matters related to them. That doesn't mean he never challenges her opinions or actions, but never in the way that teaches his children they can too. It's done offline and with kindness and respect as well.

Pursuing a woman's heart means treating her as a person, not an object or thing, merely a body to use. At the very least, she is made in the image of God, or if she follows Jesus, she is a beloved daughter of the Most High God, and is to be treated as such. Her sensibilities are not constitutionally masculine. She thinks differently, feels differently, and has a profound bent toward relationship (unless she has been traumatically abused physically, emotionally, spiritually or all three). God created her femininity to balance and complete her husband's masculinity and vice versa. Helping his son cherish and serve her opens him to treat his sisters and girlfriends similarly. This is important, especially when sexual desire becomes a part of the equation.

An emotionally mature man understands that through gentleness, kindness, servant-hearted strength, courage with humility, compassionate sacrificial love, and leading so his wife feels free (and safe) to become who she really is with him will open a her heart and keep it open for a lifetime. He doesn't have to be perfect at this, just determinedly attentive to it. He can "hold" her heart because he's convinced through attitude and correlating behavior her that he really loves who she is in toto, not merely what she provides for him. A boy who grows up in the company of such a man increases his prospects substantially for being an emotionally mature husband and father in relationship to women.

May God use what I've written to help men and the boys they father/disciple to grow into full and real masculinity: utterly surrendered to God and ably offering everyone by his life godly strength, love and service.

ab emo pectore
(from the heart)

Raising Boys Into Emotionally Mature Men, Part I.

On November 29, 2010 I wrote a post called When a Man Decides to Leave Emotional Boyhood Behind http://oldmenplantingchurches.blogspot.com/2010/11/when-man-decides-to-leave-emotional.html. In it I listed 9 characteristics of emotional boyhood and their equivalent contrasts of emotional manhood. Check it out to get background for what follows in this post regarding fathers helping sons become emotionally mature men.

Let me begin by reminding us that emotionally mature sons need the help and guidance of both fathers and mothers working together to help boys become authentic men. Each has a necessary role in raising them. The masculine and feminine influence shape boys differently, but each balances a boy's sense of himself in the company of both.

However, I am utterly convinced masculinity best internalizes masculinity. Masculine being is best transferred by masculine being, especially through willing identification and imitation. I know I'm getting heavy here, but its a heavy deal. God created masculine and feminine being. He also provided the means through which it could be healthily passed on from generation to generation.

Therefore, emotionally healthy men are the most fitting means by which the existential transaction takes place developmentally over time. Again, this is especially true, but not exclusively so, when it occurs in a loving family where dad and mom work in harmony to model what it means to be an authentic, person of character and integrity -- male or female.

For boys of Christian parents, becoming Christian men centers on gradually learning to live life as a follower of Jesus, at his disposal, and on his terms in every endeavor. Serving the Lord of lords becomes the greatest priority and highest End in life. Such allegiance flows from a radically transformed heart and focused will toward Kingdom mission and God's glory. Pursuits of wealth, power, influence and achievement are placed under obedience to Christ. Doing so with resolve is a far departure from pursuing the American Dream as one's Prime Directive.

To give you a sense of the essentials of a boy turning into an emotionally mature man, the following are helpful markers, I think. I realize, much I will say below holds to true for daughters in principle as well. I will write about that later. I also do not mean to disclude a boy's mother from also modeling, teaching and supporting the attitudes and values below. As I said, she also plays and has a uniquely vital role in growing him up into emotionally mature masculinity.

1. Helping a boy learn to love Jesus and value the spiritual side of life.

If you are a Jesus-follower you will naturally desire for your sons and daughters to become Jesus-followers. If you are wise, you won't try to force a relationship; you will help motivate and create it as a model, supporter and teacher. In other words, a father helps his son open and relate to Jesus, at first to know him as a Friend and Gentle Shepherd, then as he ages and matures, as a Savior, King and Lord.

The goal is intimacy with God, the heart after God's heart intimacy David had : "I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do."(Acts 13:22) They key to this level of surrendered heart is helping a boy know God's nature and will as revealed in the Scriptures. It is helping him know the "still, small voice" of the Spirit as the voice of One who loves him, by "dialoguing" with God in prayer and reflection. Thirdly, it's involving him in the life of the Church as the community of the Beloved, of which he is a part, gathered around God, loving one another and serving Christ's redemptive Kingdom mission in the world.

As a boy repeatedly sees his father reading Scripture, praying (alone and with mom) and sharing the work of the Church it normalizes for him. As dad talks freely about his relationship with God his son learns it is a normal part of life. Jesus can be talked to. Jesus can be listened to. Jesus protects him and loves him. He learns Jesus is never far even though he can't see him. The birth of Jesus is a good place to begin as well as passages showing him relating to children.

Depending on the cognitive and emotional maturity of the boy, somewhere around the 4th to 6th grades, he can begin to grasp that Jesus is the Savior of the world and King of kings. Concepts such as the cross and resurrection, the fact Jesus paid for our sin and was raised from the dead can be slowly introduce and talked about. There is no reason to hurry these truths, but they need to be developed for a boy to understand the Gospel core of the Christian worldview.

As a boy heads into the emotional maze and minefield of the teen years, he should explore the idea of Jesus as Lord. This is his invitation to "big-league" Christianity. The Lordship of Christ summons all his followers to radical obedience for a lifetime. It is the more challenging or demanding part of the Gospel message, but one which expresses its core. To have a heart after God's from his perspective means, "he will do everything I want him to do." This principle is essential to masculine emotional maturity of the highest order. Loving Jesus is ultimately obeying what he commands. True intimacy with him is surrender and following hard after him in all things.

A Dad who lives with God like this will "warm" his son(s) to living this way as well. The Christian spiritual life is radically following Jesus because of love for him. Knowing him at the deepest levels of the heart translates to being where he is as he redeems the world one day at a time. When his father relates to Jesus this way and is open about it it can become real and enticing for his son, especially if dad is inviting him into missional projects and tasks of serving.

2. Developing a boy's understanding of the power God has granted him to live his life.

In my work as a lay counselor, I've become aware of the critical need to help boys grow into an emotionally healthy understanding of the power God has given him to make a worthy way in the world. For a boy to come into his own, he needs to see he can pursue what matters to him, even if he fails at times. A boy has to acquire the confidence to step out and act in the face of challenge and difficulty knowing God has called him into being at a particular point in history to do something only he can. The gift of life and the power to live it confirms his right to be. This too is following Jesus.

Through trial and error salted with a father's gracious encouragement, supportive correction and generous love, a boy steadily comes to trust his potential and inherent giftedness. He learns to rely on the instincts God has put in him to accomplish things because he has come to know and trust him, his Savior and Lord. Conversely, he doesn't learn to shrink back into an unhealthy dependence on others who seem more strong or capable, thus surrendering to a life of impotence no matter how he might posture in front of others. Such boys, and later men, hesitate and hold back, afraid to try something new in front of others. Fear of failure and a growing shame cripple ability to recognize the power God has put in them, and they gradually submit to a half life of mediocrity, or worse, manipulating others.

A healthy understanding of the power God has put in him, and it submitted to a far-greater Power, namely Christ, centers him in life to the full as Jesus desires it. A young man's dreams allied with God's will can change the world, and has many times over.

3. Enticing boy's courage so he develops the habit of taking initiative.


Closely related to number 2 is the critical need to gradually entice a boy's courage. Courage is a key component of authentic masculinity, an essential ingredient to defining a man's ability to face and move through fears of all sorts. Fear can can hamstring a man and chronic fear will slowly crush his spirit, trapping him in a life of boyish posturing and impotent cowardice. A man without courage is like a badly-tuned engine; it can never perform to the level it was designed. Courage makes a way where it seems there is no way. Courage says "Yes" in the face of many "No's." Courage asks, "Well, why not?" or "Who says it can't be done?" Courage creates movement where stultifying inertia has ruled the day.

Over the years, I've recognized through counseling hundreds of men that unless they grow up in a supportive environment where they can develop the habit (way of life, really) of taking initiative to tackle a challenge or solve a problem, they will learn to hesitate, shrink from, or even worse, chronically procrastinate. The sad fact is they weren't trained to negotiate a daunting dilemma or tough task requiring resilience, ingenuity, and determination. A man who's been well-trained in boyhood to face challenges and obstacles may have no idea how to deal with the situation at first, but he'll roll up his sleeves and find out: ask questions, look at options, think it through and then take take action. He goes into the chaos or fog even if he isn't dead sure of the way forward. There will be a kind of, "Let's see if this works," sensibility to how he tries to achieve a solution. In so doing, he reveals an emotional maturity which subordinates fear to taking initiative.

To raise a boy into such a "can-do" way of life he needs to have many chances to try all sorts of things, to test his intelligence, and strength. Clearly, such testing will look different for a 2-year-old than an 8 year-old, or a 13 year old, but the principle of trying holds true for each. So Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Mike, and older brother, Louis, all need to walk along side him frequently: supporting, encouraging, helping and inspiring him to try new things and see what opens. The men in his life also need to help him see failure and frustration as opportunities for learning and persevering or altering his course for a better result. Over time, this essential feature of emotional maturity will take root: failure is not seen as a sign of existential bankruptcy and shame does not begin to distort his self-awareness into ingrained boyishness when it comes to living the way of courage and initiative-taking.

In the end, helping him discover and live this quality of masculine emotional maturity will grant him the ability to act even if he doesn't know the way or is confident he will succeed. A life well-lived requires such an attitude.

4. Being able to test reality in the face of strong feelings.

Wisdom necessitates seeing things as they really are not as they appear or feel. Wisdom is a fount of life and freedom. Foolishness is a wide portal to chaos and bondage.

Emotional maturity requires the weathered ability to reality test because all that glitters is not gold, and unexamined impulse can quickly lead to disaster. So it asks questions such as:

• What's really going on here?
• If I do this what are the consequences?
• Are my feelings telling me the truth?
• Am I getting an accurate read on the situation or seeing what I want to see?
• Should I take more to get the facts before I commit?
• Am I being deceived?
• Will good or evil come from my actions?
• What is this going to cost me in the end?
 

The Scriptures are filled with warnings about not testing reality from God's perspective especially when it comes to trusting how a man feels as the most reliable measure of his response to all sorts of enticements. So helping a boy balance his feelings with an ability to see what's actually true based on time-tested standards of truth becomes an exercise in grounding him in what is, not what seems to be or what he wants it to be because his feelings want what they want. Many a man has shipwrecked his life because his feelings and impulses deceived him.

Perhaps the surest way to help a boy develop this tool of emotional maturity is to talk about what he is feeling in light of what actually happened or what the situation needed in reality. Sometimes it will mean comforting him or soothing his wounded ego. Always it will mean using the issue as a teaching opportunity to point him toward truth and reality, not merely desire and impulse. When done so in an atmosphere of compassion and masculine love, it opens the way to recognizing the difference between feeling something is true because he desires it to be so, and actually knowing it is objectively true.

Emotional maturity in this regard will help him navigate the avalanche of enticements hurtling toward him from every direction promising happiness, pleasure, power, and freedom if he acts and acts quickly. Having such navigational skill in our culture of endless entitlement will bode him well  for a lifetime.