Search This Blog

Monday, November 29, 2010

When a Man Decides to Leave Emotional Boyhood Behind.

When does a man mature emotionally?

What does that look like?

What keeps him from maturing such that he remains a boy emotionally?

I've been a counselor and spiritual director since the late 80's. I have worked with hundreds of men individually and in groups. I'm well acquainted with the emotional lives of men because I'm of that peculiar tribe, and have done the kind of work which put me right in the thick of how men feel and think. My work has centered on healing the wounds of the heart. With men, such wounds directly affect how robust their  masculinity is manifest in a real world, particularly matters of character.

You need to know I also went though a year of intense inner healing.

Let me begin by defining two key terms: emotional masculinity and character:

Emotional masculinity is manhood infused by character. Masculinity is more than being born male. Masculinity is an attitude of the heart and mind cultivated through struggle and consistent effort. It grows from core values which pervade a man's chosen way of living in this world. Character in a man is expressed through spiritually-informed qualities such as integrity, authenticity, courage, industry, generosity of heart, humility and compassion, especially for the weak, oppressed and powerless. Faith, hope and love (especially love), inform his deepest motivations and guide his most prized enterprises. He is fully human with sin, blindspots, prejudices, errors, weaknesses, failures and the persistent need for others to help complete him, especially elders in the way of living from wisdom and magnanimity.

He is neither Atlas nor Solomon. He is flesh and blood, but his heart has been turned gradually toward spending life not in hot pursuit of "treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal," but on "laying up for himself treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal." (Mt. 16:19-20). Those treasures are gained by giving away his life in the service of God and others, no matter his business or stated profession. He has decided in his broken humanity way to live for the good, the true and the worthy. Like Jesus (but as a mere man), such a man has "set his face to go to Jerusalem" (Lk. 9:51), to "deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow [Christ]" (Lk. 9:23). He has given away his rights to personal empire to the One who will ennoble him at the finish line for doing so.

To put it bluntly, at some point, he's voluntarily surrendered all to become a doulos Christou (slave of Christ) even if he's not really sure what it will require of him at the time. For most, it turns out to be lifelong metamorphosis to be sure, and grace will have to pick him up or turn him around and put him back together more times than he'd like to admit, but this is the journey where emotional masculinity is forged and refined and spiritually crafted into Christ-likeness. It's the only way. Other men will look for shortcuts; many will settle for an agreeable niceness, and more than we might think will abandon the hard way of the Cross completely, but he will struggle quietly  to stay the course one step at a time over decades. It's because he's decided to leave emotional boyhood behind, although he probably would not think to call it that.

When a man chooses to stay in emotional boyhood he becomes cut off from his destiny. The promise God puts in him as potential to be activated by hard work of character building. Sometimes his choice is determined laziness (a character flaw), most often it comes from, sometimes profound, emotional wounding in his formative years. A key factor here is his ability to take initiative in the face of fear. Because of criticism, mocking, or abuse, he internalizes shame and thus has no platform of healthy self-acceptance and confidence to make a way in the world. So he hesitates, hides, buries himself in "wine, women and song," or worse, learns to manipulate or deceive others, including women, to get what he wants without revealing his deep-seated fear and shame.

He fiercely protects his emotional boyhood because the path to healing and freedom will force him to go into the pain and that's just too terrifying. He trusts no one and feels deeply alone because it. Boyhood is a cover and covering. The only way forward is gently, but persistently coaxing the boy toward the possibility of freedom. He needs to feel safe and supported in the process. He is much more fragile than he might look on the surface. Such a man needs to see that despite what was done to him, and sometimes it was horrific (it could be fairly termed rape or abuse whether it was done physically or emotionally),  Jesus has put the potential of masculinity into him, and will heal his "broken image" toward emotional masculinity if he opens to it. Every man is God's idea and has a place if he chooses to look for it. Inner healing is the first step forward.

So here's some of the more predominant characteristics I've noticed over 20 years of working with men who cultivate emotional manhood or preserve emotional boyhood. Remember this is a state of mind, and a way of coming at life.

1.
  • Emotional boyishness lives for pleasure, especially of the body:  food, sex, comfort, getting high, physical strength, etc. Delaying gratification is anathema.
  • Emotional masculinity enjoys pleasure fully, but is not mastered by its pursuit in whatever form; it strives to avoid or bring into submission destructive pleasures
 2.
  • Emotional boyishness always shies away from facing its deepest fears. 
  • Emotional masculinity acknowledges deep fear and might hesitate for awhile or stumble under the weight of it, but it eventually turns and faces the "giants in the land."
3.
  • Emotional boyishness looks after the interests of self first and will avoid doing the right thing unless it benefits its own interests or avoids punishment.
  • Emotional masculinity might hesitate doing the right thing because of selfishness or ignorance, but will eventually move toward the right thing because it is the right thing.
4.
  • Emotional boyishness always blames others first; self-examination is not a strong suit.
  • Emotional masculinity, especially after self-examination, has learned to humbly accept blame where blame is warranted; it might not feel good, but character and righteousness demand it (core values).
5.
  • Emotional boyishness places its rights above the rights of others always demanding, "What about me?"
  • Emotional masculinity sees the rights of others as equal to its own and will defend theirs as much as its, even at great personal cost occasionally.
6.
  • Emotional boyishness stays committed to relationships, challenges, work responsibilities and life obligations as long as it feels good or benefits its interests.
  • Emotional masculinity stays committed to relationships, challenges, work responsibilities and life obligations because its word is its bond. Integrity matters.
7.
  • Emotional boyishness is passive aggressive in order to stay in control when called to account.
  • Emotional masculinity tries to face the medicine honestly and accept blame for sinful motives, attitudes or behavior. It does not stonewall or shut down to stop the confrontation.
8.
  • Emotional boyishness will finish what it starts if there is pleasure involved, the effort required is fairly easy, and someone else will shoulder the burden if it loses interest.
  • Emotional masculinity will strive to finish what it starts because it committed to doing so; stick-to-it-tiveness is a valued.
9.
  • Emotional boyishness does not spend time examining or practicing virtues reflecting character; there is no immediate payoff
  • Emotional masculinity views a life of virtue as a high calling and a worthy lifetime goal of intrinsic value.

In sum, when a man decides to leave emotional boyhood behind he sets out on a rigorous journey into imperfect wellness and wholeness, but spiritual authenticity is the prize. He becomes a man defined by the Word of God. He's always is a work in progress, but he has "stepped over the line" (a critical act) in order to head toward holiness and righteousness. Such a man has a real shot at wisdom and Kingdom fruitfulness because he has embraced God's definition of masculinity. Jesus is the epitome, but all of his male followers are invited on the noble journey. Emotional boyhood might promise fleeting pleasures, comforts and safety, but a boy remains a boy, woefully dependent on others (even if he's unaware) to make life pleasant or successful for him. Emotional masculinity offers infinitely more, but it just requires the building of character by shouldering a cross one day at a time. Pain precedes the treasure and the treasure rewards the pain.

Helpful Reading:

The Silence of Adam: Larry Crabb
Wild At Heart: John Eldredge
Code of Conduct for Servants of the Most High God: Roger Van Der Werken

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kit,
I'm sitting here in amazement at how you just described my soon to be ex-husband in this blog post. You totally get it. And I love how you put their emotional boyhood part, then what a man would be following God in a healing journey...what a difference! I sense a call from God's heart to all those who get it-to join with others who get it-to help so many, many men who are floundering in their lostness as a boy, miserable and secretly wanting to be a man. Am praying for there to be an uprising of noble men willing to mentor/father those who could be set free and enjoy Kingdom Living. A safe place with safe people who are for them. I'm praying!

AOO said...

This is awesome Kit! I have forwarded this to a lot of "boys". Was MG your poster child for this expose? lol

Timothy Wright said...

Hi,

Great insights. I work with young men in the UK and the one revelation and encounter that has changed my life was experiencing the love of The Father and living as a son. Our earthly father was to lead us to our heavenly Father and live in His love as Jesus lived in his love John 1:18.

How have you helped me become emotionally aware of what they are feeling. In my work with men with sexually addiction trying to help them become emotionally aware of what they were feeling before they acted out.

Have you found movies help me become emotionally aware of their wounds? If so what ones? I would love to skype you and pick your brain and learn from you?

Bless you.

Tim

Ryan said...

This is a very insightful post. I think in our society what we often pass off as "boyish charm" is a clear sign that perhaps a man is not ready to full accept in his responsibility in the eyes of the Lord. There are similar themes in Dr. David Fox's Comfort Healing and Joy that I think would be worth checking out. Thanks!

Grace said...

Again Kit, awesome post. Thank you for drawing on all your years of working with men to put this in a perspective that even women can understand.

By women understanding this I pray it will help to draw on their compassion and mercy for their husbands, sons, brothers, fathers uncles, etc.

This also solidifies the fact that the men of God are the Princes of God born to be Kings under the Heavenly Father and Jesus who is our Brother, but yet our King as well.

My prayers go out to every man that will read this and every man's heart that God will touch as they read it.

Kit said...

Thanks, Anonymous. I join you in your prayer for men to leave emotional boyhood and live in the power that God has given them to work, love and serve for his Glory.

Kit said...

Hey LW. No MG was not. It was really a composite of what I've noticed in others I've worked with as a counselor, and in me as I have struggled to embrace emotional masculinity. I feel for these guys because I know their battle intimately.

Kit said...

Hey Timothy. I'd love to do the Skype thing with you to have a conversation about this stuff.I've worked with sex addicts and seen how deeply conflicted they are. They need to surface the reality of their profound brokenness and shame, and the love the father has for them, especially his affection for them as sons. It's all about emotional intimacy.

No movies come to mind at the moment, but I'll think about your question.

E-mail me at kit@imaginenorthampton.org and we can set up a conversation.

Peace and glad you are working with these guys.

Kit said...

Hey Ryan. Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll check it out.

Kit said...

Thanks, Grace. I was hoping it will help women understand the struggle many men have, especially without loving and strong fathers, to grow into full emotional maturity. Thank you for your encouragement!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kit---another awesome post! Thank you for the insight on "emotional boyhood," I had come to my own conclusions and had tagged it the Peter Pan syndrome....I hope many walk into maturity and healing and benefit from your efforts....God bless!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kit--another awesome post! You express this beautifully! (And you describe my ex to a T as well) I was calling it "the Peter Pan Syndrome," I hope that many walk into maturity and healing from your efforts! God bless

Anonymous said...

In the natural order, a person's primary basis for self-acceptance and self-worth lies in the love, care, and discipline received from parents. With this kind of background, he is secure in his identity. He knows who he is and where he came from. Since WWII, however, much of this has been changed by delinquent or emasculated fathers, and by mothers who either have become equally delinquent or have struggled unsucessfully to fill the roles of both father and mother. As a result, we are faced with a generation of unparented children who have grown to adulthood carrying within them a paralyzing sense of inadequacy and insecurity. . .

Insecure people are difficult to live with. They cannot rest in a relationship, but are in continual need of something to bolster their self-esteem. Yet nothing suffices for long. Such people do not know how to receive love, and therefore they cannot give it. . .

Through faith in Christ, God has provided a divine rememdy for this condition so prevalent in today's world. He has become our heavenly Father. He has adopted us personally as His children. He has made us "accepted in the Beloved" -- that is, in Jesus. . .

Legally, all this is fully true the moment we are born again. Experientially, however, we need to cultivate an ever-expanding realization of what he have become in the family of God. To achieve this requires long hours spent gazing into God's Word. Here, we come to see for ourselves, stage by stage and detail by detail, what it means to be a child of God. As we gaze into this divine mirror, the Spirit of God works within us, transforming us into the likeness of what we are looking at. (Process described in 2 Cor. 3:18)

At the beginning of human history, man's rebellion against God and his consequent fall shut him up into a narrow prison of self. From that time on, self-centeredness has been one of the most obvious effects of the devil's influence in a human life. . . They delight to sit for hours in counseling sessions to expatiate in wearisome detail on all their problems. They fail to realize that the more they talk about themselves, the stronger they make the bars of their own prison.

One great effect of redemption through Christ is our release from this prison of self. Indentification with Christ enables us to relate to other people as He did. In simple, down-to-earth language Paul explains how this works: "Don't just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same as Jesus Christ . . ." (Phil 2:4-5)

Derek Prince, God Is a Match-maker, pp 61-63

Anonymous said...

"Such people do not know how to receive love, and therefore they do not know how to give it."

I would clarify that this is a broad diagnosis with a spectrum of symptoms. On one end of the spectrum you have those who are relatively humble in their insecurity, always on the periphery of social events, with eyes filled with longing and hearts that lurch toward anything resembling affection. They are drawn like moths to flame toward sources of love, but they constantly question its veracity and usually lack the maturity or courage to give to others.

On the other end of the spectrum are those who are filled with pride amidst their insecurities (usually denying them like mad), who view love in a strongly satanic way. This demonic perspective is what influences the way they "receive" love inappropriately. Do you know the type? To them, being loving is for suckers. Those who love are weak, stupid patsies. If you want to show them love, they are happy to take it. But they receive it as their due, as if it were a personal accomplishment on their part that they duped you into giving, and will gloat even as they take. They take, and take, and will never truly give, for to them such would require a vulnerability which they perceive as foolish weakness. These are those who range from the lust-filled to the psycopathic, from the stingy to the batterer. They view others as prey, and they are everywhere.

Praise be to Jesus Christ that he has died and lives to liberate us from being fleshly Black Holes -- selfish, immobile blemishes in the universe which take and take, sucking in everything in our path, everything and everyone becoming our prey.

"We love because He first loved us." Fix your eyes and thoughts on Him, receive true love, and be liberated to GIVE and grow to maturity as a human.

Anonymous said...

This morning I was praying for a man, and I was thinking about his need for blessing and affirmation in order to grow to maturity. I thought of Jesus at his baptism.

In my bible study we discussed John the B's being flustered over God Incarnate standing in front of him asking to be baptized, and we concluded that it needed to happen because Jesus was also fully human. In his humanity he needed to be circumcised, and he needed to be baptized. And for us to be saved, he needed to be crucified. Glory to his name that he was willing to lay down his life of his own authority. If he hadn't been the "last Adam" and "second man," the only human without sin because he was also God, he wouldn't have risen.

But I'm convinced in his humanity he also needed the blessing and affirmation of his father. I strongly believe it wasn't merely for the audience's benefit that God spoke at Jesus' baptism, unlike other times when God spoke audibly and Jesus said it was for others' sake. "You are my Son whom I love; in you I am well pleased." (Luke 3)

That was a make it or break it moment for Jesus' heart, I am sure. God wouldn't think of doing otherwise, but you notice how Jesus is always in the moment? Lazarus dies, Jesus cries. He doesn't say, "Hey, suck it up, he'll be up and running around in few minutes!" He knows what's going to happen, but he feels and displays the reality of the moment. I suspect it was the same at his baptism. He knew the certainty of his father's love and blessing but I'm sure there was longing. It was good and fitting for him to hear the words, as fitting as the baptism itself.

It's no wonder Satan's attacks on him always started, "If you are the Son of God . . ."

He has given us the right to become his children, and all that implies. Tell the enemy to beat it, just as Jesus "sent him away" that day in the desert.