More Questions Than Answers Right Now And That's Not Good.

If you read this blog regularly you'll have noticed I'm not writing much these days. I'm experiencing a stubborn bit of writer's block. I have little passion or ideas for it.

I know why.

It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.

I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.

Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.

At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.

Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?

Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.

And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.

Who knows...

Frosty the Ice Man of Faith.

I was out for a walk early mid-morning today. I had to run some errands related to the snowstorm. As is the case most mornings some of the guys who stand on Main Street hoping to get a few bucks for a cup of coffee and bagel, or secure enough to buy food for the day were out and "at work." I chatted with one; gave him a couple of dollars, and asked how much he needed for the day, and told him I'd ask the Lord to supply over his request. At first he looked confused, but then smiled with an "I didn't expect that!" smile.

I've asked today more than once on his behalf.

A half a block up standing under the Thornes' green awning was a man I met literally the second or third day I started living on Main Street. He's been on Main Street since we moved in, but he lives on the street, mostly out in the elements 24/7, 365 days of the year. He's a hardy soul with true grit and a stubborn will. I asked where he'd slept last night and he told his "usual place," (I know where it is), adding, "When I got up this morning I was Frosty the Ice Man, and it shattered off me like glass." He laughed. I was out in the storm yesterday; it was not pleasant with the low temps and the wind.

This guy is tough and ornery. He mentioned the other guys on the street have learned to stay out of his way when he's cold and wet. He hates being wet while cold. I responded, "You've trained them well." He nodded. I asked him how he was doing. He answered: "God provides, as He always does." This man talks alot about God and faith and trust. I see him often with his head buried in the Scriptures and he attends a church once a week. He said he's learned to trust Him for all his needs. God supplies. By the way, he's never asked for money from me. And he doesn't do drugs.

I asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel with finding a place to live. He said: "God has not given me that yet. So I'll trust Him." He's told me before why he's had to be on the street for a long time. He says it was a gross injustice. Maybe so. I don't know one way of the other. I won't pry.

I told him things have been especially tough for us lately, and gave him the details. He was genuinely surprised. I think he thought we were well off or something. He reiterated with some vehemence that the key was to trust God no matter what - no matter what you lose, or go through, or have to endure.

It was the Holy Spirit. I would realize that later in the day..

I like this man a lot. He's real and feisty and fierce for God. He's one of those guys that do the tough things in life and don't quit. He's taught me survival is possible in the meanest of conditions; he shows up everyday and looks for God.

I know some of us will ask, "Why doesn't he just go get a job?" "Why doesn't he take initiative and get on with building a life?" But we don't have any idea what's so impenetrably in the way even if it's just in his head. Since we've been here he's tried to get work and it has gone nowhere; not unusual for folks living on the street. He seems a man convicted God will supply his need and God alone. I respect his resolve. I've tried to challenge it over the years with my best reasoning and he sticks to his guns. He'll have none of it.

So, I pray while he and we are still in Northampton, God would meet him where he is, and reward the stubborn faith of this trusting man who's put his full weight on the belief God will answer and supply.

When You Get Buckled Over Do You Get Up And Give It A Go Again?

PERSEVERE: to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counter-influences, opposition, or discouragement.

ENDURE: to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in; to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding

STEADFAST: firm in belief, determination, or adherence; firmly fixed in place.

James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

To give you a little perspective before I go any further, the three words above and their definitions aren't naturally friendly to me. I've had to learn to coexist with ADD. At times, I've been bewildered by its effects on my ability to concentrate, manage impulse, and stay the course with just about all of life's disciplines. Other times, I've found ways to ameliorate it's chaos; I've learned to manage (somewhat) my natural bent toward easy distraction. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I can recognize it (somewhat) and reign myself in (sometimes) when I'm flitting from one thing to the next. While ADD works well with my natural motivation to explore and go beyond,  it wreaks havoc in tasks requiring discipline and focus.

So when I look at the words persevere, endure, and steadfast, I don't recognize a natural habitat. These disciplines for the mature highlight a substantial measure of persisting toward a destination, gutting it out through rough seas, and walking resolutely under trials with fortitude, even joy. while carrying a heavy load.

While not natural to my ilk, they do intrigue me. They're of weight and substance, even gravitas, therefore of great worth.

....

Since coming to Northampton, I've certainly met "trials of various kinds." They come in all shapes and forms, and in varying intensities, including overwhelming, even frightening. Some I've never faced before until we moved here; others are just part of the territory if one is a Christ-follower. A few I still face and see no end in sight.

What I don't see very much in me are attitudes such as counting my training trials as "all joy." I have neither the maturity nor fortitude, nor the sense of perspective for that character quality. I'm not saying I'll never, because God won't leave or forsake me in the task of producing steadfastness, as I keep trying to embrace the cross I've been fitted to carry. Faith tested repeatedly is faith perfected and ready for a life crown, i'e., complete, with no deficit for those who love him.

But sometimes I have to ask myself if I love him enough to willingly endure my frequent and continual testing. Does he matter enough that I'll gladly withstand them with good cheer. I think I do, but I get discouraged and can book a pity party. Or, I'll let my old nemesis depression sit a spell with me. He likes to pin failure notes near my heart and dim hope's brightening gaze.

I do love Jesus, but I feel I've wasted the promise we came here with. I've let him down. I'm embarrassed, even ashamed sometimes. I get wilted when I survey the last 5 years. Much of our vision is undeveloped and can feel like a mirage to me. Yet, some lives have been changed. We've faced all sorts of resistance (demonic and human); some of it well-meaning (human), and some of it just plain mean-spirited (human and demonic). But alongside, some people have been healed and released to freedom. imagine/Northampton has become their community. More often these days than before, the burden and strain of our struggle can just buckle me over. Those are the times when I ask, "What's it all about Alfie?" Then, I remember my love for Jesus and the shining magnificence of his Gospel and Kingdom; the cost he paid for me and the world, and his ennobling call to follow him. I remain moved by that because I love him.

This morning I wrote a prayer request to imagine people committed to praying for all of us and I noted I'm weary spiritually, emotionally, relationally and physically. I haven't felt this way on all four counts very much, but it's true right now .It doesn't feel like I'm enduring well. There are discernible cracks in my steadfastness. Persevering looks a tall order. I'd like to have Paul's perspective of "light and momentary troubles" to settle into my heart. God'll have to do that. I'm just not there these days.

I imagine I'll "get up and give it a go again" until he says stop, or I just can't go another foot. Don't know if or when that will be. He does. I just need a breather and perhaps a sip of that joy James was writing about.

What a Blood-stained Bible Opened To Me.

 

In the November, 2012 issue of Voice of the Martyrs magazine, an edited excerpt from a 1995 VOM article quoted founder Rev. Richard Wurmbrand:

"A person will endure suffering of some kind in the USA, too, if he works for God's kingdom. Instead of posing the vain question of why suffering is needed, embrace it passionately ... Jesus asked on the cross why He was abandoned. He was given no reply in words. His resurrection was the answer ... trust in the value of any suffering for the kingdom. At times you may need to abandon vain human reason to rely only on trust. Then God, the Beloved, "will rejoice over with singing" (Zeph.3:17). Invite God's silence to surround and fill you. Then you will hear this song. We hear it."

On the cover of this issue is a closeup of a very bloodstained Bible. It's graphic and hard to look at.Underneath the picture are the headlines: "Nigeria's Red Letter Bible." The article inside begins with, "The blood-spattered Bible on the cover of this newsletter is a graphic symbol of the reality that our Christian brethren are suffering and being persecuted or martyred in other parts of the world."

Would it be fair to say the horrific reality of it happening to others today feels somewhat surreal to us? We know it goes on because we hear the reports in the news occasionally, or we read Christian publications such as VOM, or we have missionaries sent out from our churches who return reporting varying degrees of hardship in Christian communities overseas.

Maybe we even shudder a bit thinking violence like this would never happen to me, would it? Such atrocities only happen in Africa, or North Korea, or the Middle East -- certainly never in our more "civilized" western countries, particularly America where we enjoy religious freedom and little or no life-threatening persecution. Organized religious extremists or family members are not blowing up our churches, or assassinating us with regularity. We are tolerated for the most part.

Striking me, though, as I read the stories of ordinary Christians in dangerous places around the world, is an acute sense they seem to have a different view of suffering for Christ than we do because of what they experience as increasingly commonplace. While they know real fear and deep sorrow in the midst of it, they seem to understand suffering for Christ is not the exception, but a likelihood. Many appear to embrace it as a privilege without sugar-coating the pain or loss which will occur. I also notice a depth of trust they hold fast to because of the vulnerability with which they live and a faith born of supernatural encounter with the God Who Is Alive. They know Jesus will be with them in their travails. As I said, for the most part, we don't think much about car bombs or attacks on a Sunday morning by heavily-armed men driven by a lust for ridding the neighborhood of us.

Wurmbrand notes in the excerpt above that if we truly work for the Kingdom we will experience suffering here in our country. Has or does your experience as a Christian substantiate his claim? He goes on to say we should not question it's reality, but we must embrace it with passion! Would you agree? Do you do so? In fact, we are to "trust in the value of any suffering for the Kingdom." What might that look like in our current spiritual lives? I don't remember over the years many of my Christian brethren talking about linking their Kingdom-related suffering to being valuable and trusting it as such, or even noticing when their suffering was Kingdom-related. I don't know I did that much either.

Maybe I was not paying attention. But I know it was nothing like what Wurmbrand and others have experienced merely because they were/are Christ-followers. Do most of us believe in a strong likelihood we will die because of our faith? Are we trained from the pulpit, in Bible-study or Sunday School as to how to deal with, prepare for and comport ourselves it should we be "put to the sword/" because it is a reality, or an eventuality? I bet not.

But, when he links our suffering to Jesus's suffering on the cross and God's answer in the Resurrection, then I'm able to catch a glimpse of what it looks like. Jesus cried out in agony at the reality he was separated for the first time in eternity from his Father. As far as we are told in the Scriptures, he would die not hearing from him, or knowing his closeness. Yet, he did not deny his Father before men in his prolonged agony and God's silence. He stayed the course anyway, knowing it was what he'd come to do. Perhaps, if you or I will have to die for our faith we can find strength that Jesus knew such pain, and he will be with you and I in it, even if we don't sense his Presence in our suffering, or at the moment of our death.

The suffering of the Nigerian Church at the hands of horrifically misguided killers is because they are related to Christ. Their accusers hate them as Jesus' accusers hated him. He says in John 15:18, "“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you." These folks are hated because they are Christian. Martyrdom is a very real possibility because they've seen it; they've known martyr's, and they recognize death for his name could happen at any time to them or someone they love. Yet they persevere despite danger and persecution all around them.

They and others like them in parts of the world where being a Jesus-follower is a vile thing to the dominant people groups, need the American Churches' prayer, our solidarity, and material support. Some of us perhaps must join them physically in their trials showing the world we are one no matter geography, culture or race. In this way, we join the Church in its suffering, and thus embrace with passion the cause of the Kingdom witness to the world that Christ has come. When one believer suffers for his or her faith we all suffer because we are one people. He is our Lord of all. He tears down walls and unites peoples separated by continents, culture and language, so they can become united by a common faith, shared hope and life in the Spirit. His love animates and reveals us. The world knows nothing similar to it.

The blood-stained Bible and the Suleiman Abdul's story of conversion, and the suffering he endured because of it, opened me in a new way to the suffering my brothers and sisters embrace regularly in strife-torn parts of the world. For years, I've been mostly overwhelmed by the suffering of Christians internationally. I would pray briefly; sometimes give money, and then detach. I'm not sure how I'll respond now, but I'm freshly drawn to the plight of persecuted brethren. I also have an abiding sense I will see increased persecution in America because I am Christian. There are signs of a deepening anger toward us as a whole. If persecution comes, including violence, may I/we endure graciously, full of peace, hope and love so that Christ is glorified by our gentle witness to the One who has overcome the world and opened the way to its healing..

When Mental Toughness Requires An Unexpected Change of Course.

"Mental toughness is many things and rather difficult to explain. Its qualities are sacrifice and self-denial. Also, most importantly, it is combined with a perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give in. It's a state of mind-you could call it character in action." Vince Lombardi

³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5 ESV

I've been fighting a funk the last 10 days of so. It's not a P-Funk kinda funk that causes your booty to shake; it's a funk that smothers your heart and pulls your thoughts into a thick, enervating fog. Your heart grows tired and your mind feels like the batteries need to be replaced so the light can come back on. It's stultifying to say the least.

My afflicting funk stems from the persisting and deepening financial drought we are settling into. It's feels like a fog which won't lift; it blankets our days and laces fear in our sleep. A palpable heaviness pervades it. We both talk of existential (although we don't use the word), tiredness. I know the weariness is from growing stress. Those of you who've been there know unpayed bills tend to stare at you with a withering gaze. It's no fun.

The long and the short of it is I'm just not making enough money to hold up my end of the bargain with supporting our household. imagine/Northampton is so small it can't carry my weight nor am I counseling
anywhere near enough to support  my salary.

In the midst of the work malaise I'm beginning to think God is signaling a change in my direction. It began with reading missional church guys talking about the bi-vocational pastor being the wave of the future. Much of what they write makes good sense to me. Is God calling me to this? What would be so bad about that?

As I said, my counseling and spiritual direction work has virtually dried up with just a handful of clients remaining. Tricia's is growing. The decline has been trending this way since the early summer of this year. Something has changed. I can feel it spiritually and the numbers show it. There looks no end in sight and I'm running out of time to turn things around.
What does this have to do with mental toughness?

Well, I think in my case, mental toughness, is being able to keep the mission I was called to in Northampton in firm view with no wavering while seeing the change I need to make in terms of remaining full-time paid staff as falling forward. In fact, it turns out to be part of God's taking me deeper into the mission in a way I never would have found on my own. In the quote above, Vince Lombardi combined sacrifice and self-denial with a "perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give up" I doubt I'll ever be capable of a perfectly disciplined will," this side of heaven, but I get the refusing-to-give-up character part because I'm doing that so far. I'm not quitting imagine until God tells me to.

 The Apostle Paul tells me that mental toughness has to do with enduring suffering and hardship so that godly character qualities take root in me, and hope can keep me stayed on following Christ while working to open the Kingdom to folks - hope infused with God's love.

So God can:
test my mettle,
put me in over my head,
take me to the edge of my faith,
remove all my safety nets,
and even change where I work,

to strengthen my character, making it tough enough to carry the weight of my task in imagine /Northampton's mission.

Mental toughness can also be about staying the course when God expands the scope of the mission he has given without consulting with me (as if he should!). For instance, rather than having me hold down the fort every day at the imagine/Northampton offices, or being the "Chief Communications Officer," a role I've played by temperament and default since we got up here, he gives me a job elsewhere and maybe it doesn't look like ministry at all on the surface, or maybe its in a form I didn't recognize before and would've never headed toward on my own. Just because my work environment changes doesn't mean the mission has.

More simply, mental toughness also means buckling down and helping dig us out of our financial hole even if my imagine/Northampton role diminishes considerably or has to end. I made a prior promise to Tricia to care of her that is of equal or greater worth. Integrity as a Jesus-follower includes meeting my financial obligations and doing what I have to even if it's painful. It's big-boy stuff.

Mental toughness never lets go of the cause or mission, or the non-negotiable values animating any effort of worth. The goal or cause is so compelling a person will pay the cost, fight through the pain, make the sacrifice, overcome the discouragement and hang tough when all appears in shambles. Mental toughness is the domain of those willing to go down with the ship if the ship must go down. I believe it's a virtue which ennobles ordinary people captivated by conviction.

Truth be told, it's taken me a awhile to get to the place of altering my short course to sustain the long haul. There've been "giants in the land," and I've hesitated to adjust my course far too long.  Adjusting I'll be in the days ahead. Pray for me if you think about it. I'll be heading out as a "stranger in a strange land." At least it feels that way at the outset.

When You Can't Pay the Rent.

 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

          James 1:12



I have to say I've wrestled for a number of weeks over writing about this. I don't want to sound smarmy or whiny. I am not writing a "please feel sorry for us" post. I would be horrified if people felt that way. Nor am I writing in some underhanded, manipulative manner to get people to give us money out of sympathy. I abhor such writing. I know I am taking the risk of sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm not . . . really. I am angry and resolved to hang in as long as I can. I've dug in to the idea that "God will make a way where these appears to be no way."

In reality, when I decided to write this blog a couple of years back, it was for the sole purpose of exploring and documenting what it's like for me, at my age, to be planting a church, no holds barred. I'd never planted a church before, so I wanted to think and report about the experience. Seemed like a good thing to do.

Therefore, it will mean sometimes writing about uncomfortable, even embarrassing things. I see little point in candy-coating the reality of what we're experiencing in the imagine mission, even if I'm the problem. While I hope I do it always in humility and with sensible good taste, telling the truth has to be paramount or I'm merely blowing smoke, as they say.

Because I'm going to write about what many people are going through in these trying, uncertain times, I hope it will encourage them in what can feel terrifying and crushing to their spirits. Hope flows from sharing familiar suffering.

I must say too: Tricia and I have never experienced the extreme financial pressures we've faced since being here in the Pioneer Valley. In over our 37 years of married and family life we've had our share of lean times, but never to this severity. For example: the last three months we have been late on our rent, last month by three and a half weeks. We are having to pick and choose which bills to pay every month. The experience is new to us and very stressful. We've always taken the responsibility of paying our bills seriously.

I'm also writing in the context of someone whose faith is strengthening concerning the goodwill of my Father toward us in this tough place. The end of our struggle appears not in sight. Stress over this is never far away. In reality, while our struggle may get worse, I'm learning to hold fast to the truth that God is our Help and Provider no matter. He loves us with a deep affection, knows our need, and can lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. But even if we lose everything, (I realize it would be a heart-breaking horror), even our lives (Jesus-followers can, you know), I will trust his will for us. There is no merit in me for doing so; God has given me grace to experience it.


So here are my observations borne from the pain we are experiencing:

FEAR

As you begin to experience falling behind in your financial obligations, anxiety steals into your thoughts. The peace that accompanies being able to consistently pay your bills erodes gradually. You wonder if this is the way it's going to be. You begin to think about being evicted, having your car repossessed, defaulting on loans, and losing your health insurance. The unthinkable becomes a possibility. Sometimes you awaken at night with stabs of terror, like "This is really happening! What are we going to do?" The fears subsides if the rent or an overdue bill gets paid, but it has taken up residence in a way new to your experience. The only way to kill it is to get back on track financially.

I have felt the stabs of terror in the night, and very real anxiety as each day adds to our lateness. It persists, as does faith. I do not let anxiety get a foothold however. I will not. I hate anxiety because I have seen what it does to people, even people I love. It's a cruel taskmaster, and I will not let it rule over me. Only Christ has that place in my life.

CONFUSION:

In the midst of things going awry, you wonder how you got here. It's confusing. You ask questions like: has God abandoned us? Did we do something to offend him, so he is punishing us? Did we hear him wrong about coming up to Northampton in the first place? Is this problem just a part of planting a church in a tough place? Things just don't seem to add up. It's not like you've been sitting around drinking beer and watching TV for months. It's not like you don't want to work or haven't been working. It's just that what you're used to, i.e., paying your bills has changed because there is not enough money and some of the mainstays of your ministry have dried up. The question is: Why?

I have wrestled with this confusion, asking all the questions I listed above and then some. Nothings making  sense. We know we were called here. Many others have confirmed it since we arrived. I don't let myself wander too long in what seems like imponderables these days. I try to do what the day gives and hope for relief and I try to follow Jesus. My prayer is that of Augustine: "Ask what you will and give what you command." If I need to substantially change what I am doing, I will, as long as I know God is requiring it of me, and gives me the grace/ability to do it.

GUILT/SELF-CONDEMNATION:

As a man, although not exclusive to men in this harrowing predicament, you feel enormous guilt and self-condemnation because you're causing suffering for those you love and are responsible for. In my case, it is Tricia, my family and the church. It feels largely my fault for getting us into this terrible shape. What kind of man am I to allow what is happening?  Not fulfilling your obligations cuts deep into a man's sense of integrity and authenticity. It is our job to provide what is needed. Anything less is abject failure. In our minds there is no excuse for this. We've been tested and are found wanting. We don't have what it takes. I don't have what it takes . . . apparently.

I feel very guilty about not making enough money, but I resist submitting to self-condemnation. I know the harm it causes. My guilt is that of most men in my predicament: "I got us here and I could be doing more to get us out." Sometimes that's true, but for the most part, it's not. I do need to make more money and will work long days to do so.

SHAME:

Shame is the evil twin of guilt/self-condemnation. Shame says. "you are a joke." Shame says there is something fundamentally wrong with who you are, and you're not fit to be here. Shames makes a person feel small, useless, inadequate at the core, and worthy of the garbage heap. It stings cruelly as one of the most spiritually devastating responses to life experience one can have. It crushes a person's spirit, sometimes terminally. For a man, shame convinces him he is an impotent boy and he disappears. Shame causes a man or woman to hide because if anyone knew how worthless they are, the rejection would be harsh and instantaneous.  It creates ghost-people.

I do feel shame sometimes around folks who have the blessing of meeting their obligations. There is a kind of "if they only knew how hard we're struggling and I can 't seem to turn it around" feeling pervading my experience around them. I'm don't feel one of them and I feel small and impotent sometimes. I don't like that feeling, but it's hard to fight when you're not making financial headway.

DISCOURAGEMENT:

When you can't pay the rent and everything else for a period of time, people can become habitually discouraged and give up trying. They lose faith believing there is nothing they (or God will) can do to change their lot. They medicate and exist. I see folks like this all the time on the streets of Northampton, and they are everywhere in this world. All people need to feel they have the ability to meet their basic needs and those of their families. When that is frustrated repeatedly or stolen they fall into despair, a much more dangerous state of being. When that happens the game is over and only God can restore them.

I have been working hard not to let that happen because the results are too horrifying to even think about. I know what it means to be depressed - another form of despair - and I will not return. I've been discouraged by this, but I am comforted by the fact that God calls me to be faithful each day and the results are his. I have nothing I have not been given. Hope lingers in this notion of just working to be faithful. 

HAVING TO THINK DIFFERENTLY:

This frightening financial battle causes me to think differently about my relationship with God and how I need to persevere . . . a good thing. I'm forced to look for different ways of making a living including going back to things I did before we moved up here such as doing Playmaker Profiles and Listening in Christ retreats, speaking in churches, and playing music. I may find a part-time job, or I may switch careers if disaster happens and we have to leave here.

With God, I'm having to trust him for longer periods of time without seeing an answer to our financial state. God has always met our needs, but he's never taken us past deadlines where we are late with payments on more than one front. When we were younger, my work dried up for a period as I was in a major transition I wasn't aware I was in. Perhaps such is happening again. Whatever God is up to, we're being summoned to believe in his good care for us way beyond any other time in our lives, especially for such a long duration. I can't say I'm enjoying the ride, however, the pain is real and I seem caught in forces bigger than me.

The good in all of this is we've put it all on the line for the redemptive Kingdom mission of Christ. It feels we are trying to walk the walk in a way for more substantial than ever. Will God lead us to relief or the "hard way" of losing everything? We don't know, but we're in this struggle. It's all on the line. I hold fast to God's faithfulness even if his mercy turns out to be severe. Many Jesus-followers over the centuries lost everything for his sake. If that is to be our lot, I hope it has been for his sake and not because of human failure.

We will see.

I'm still betting the ranch on the goodness of my Abba and my Lord. He will be with us no matter what happens. When it's all said and done, may we be found faithful in trusting and serving him regardless of the difficulty of our circumstances, self-imposed or sent from above.

When the Funk You're in is Not the Groove You're Looking For.

I love funk music. Most drummers do. Playing in the pocket is like flying, I think. The groove steps up and grabs onto your soul while your body just has to keep in sync with the rhythm.

You see, it's all about the feel.

But there is another kind of funk, an insidious kind which sneaks up on you and starts whispering deadening, dark stuff. Stuff that tries to cripple hope and snuff out faith. This funk has in its rotten roots a cancer-like fear and stifling thrall of dejection. It spreads through lies whispered into the mind over days until they seize the attention of the heart. When that happens, funk takes over. Spiritual malaise digs in.

This funk feels really bad.And he funk I'm in is definitely not the groove I'm looking for.

Launching imagine/Northampton these days just has little savor, I'm afraid. It feels often ho-hum and "whatever". Sometimes it makes me angry. I also can't seem to hold the vision in view; it dissipates like a mist when I stare at it: the idea of imagine seems more real than the experience. On the surface it feels like I don't care much anymore when the truth is I still very much do. But I feel mostly in two minds and they walk parallel these days. I am in a funk and care about the mission when I allow it.

I have read enough about church planting and church planters to know that what I'm experiencing is not unique, and most likely to be expected in a place like Northampton. I also know my experience pales compared to the harsh reality of men and women over the centuries who bravely gave everything to bring life and liberty to people unaware of Jesus all over the world - places more spiritually fierce than Northampton

Still, I'm looking for a different groove! One where:

1. It's not 2 steps forward and 11 steps back.
2. The vision is actually coming into view, even if slowly.
3. There is occasional breathing space in the midst of the struggle.
4. Chaos does not take down order with increasing arrogance.
5. The heavens don't seem like brass when I pray.
6. At the end of the day, the ways of God hold sway a little more than the day before.

Sometimes in the funk, I remember my reaction when we first arrived and met a few believers living in the Pioneer Valley. They talked of deep spiritual weariness after having prayed and worked for decades that the Kingdom would break through the smothering darkness here. They seemed discouraged and resigned to little hope of seeing that happen. I taste the same funk they seemed sunk in.

I imagine what I am writing sounds like whining. I don't mean it to because I'm not. I am fiercely frustrated, more than a little confused, and in a nasty mood. But I'll tell ya: if the groove showed up an hour from now I'd be back "in the pocket" and playin' the snot out of it. (Sorry.)

I just need to be honest about what this is like.

I know the groove I'm looking for. It has a distinct shape and feel and sound. God sent it back while we were living in Simsbury. I still want to play it for all I'm worth so he is recognized and Kingdom seizes the day. In the meantime, I have to fight the funk. Some days I am better at it than others. A few days it overwhelms me. When they string together, I write stuff like this.

So forgive me. Better yet, ask God to get me to the groove he made me for. I've had enough of this other funk, I assure you.

When Unexpected Illness Intrudes.

Last Saturday when I took my wife Tricia to the ER, Jesus gave me the following verse early in the morning:

"He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD."

Little did I know bad news was fixin' to show up at my doorstep in a few hours. God gave me a heads-up. Hindsight let me realize it. I'm grateful.

The entire week prior I was texting Scriptures on trusting God to Tricia, my kids, and a few others I have committed to. Here was another one one:

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever for the LORD God is an everlasting rock."

It seems God was laying spiritual groundwork for what we are going through now. He was saying illness was about to forcefully intrude and I must stay focused on trusting him period. He would get us through no matter the outcome.

Tricia and I have been interrupted by illness many times in our life together, whether it was with our kids, our parents, or ourselves. We commented on the number of hospital stays we have had over the years. Each time it happens I'm always reminded of how intrusive they are. Normal life radically interrupts. The focus switches from getting on with things to stopping and getting better.

Here are some patterns I notice:

1. Because we have been self-employed for most of our lives together, when illness interrupts, work is interrupted and we experience financial stress sometimes lasting well beyond the actual illness. Chaos intrudes.

2. Fear always tries to settle in and make things worse. Worry wants to take hold and drag us into despair or doubting God's attention, power to deliver, and goodness toward us.

3. I really hate watching those I love suffer. I passionately death in all its forms. I wish I could take their suffering and bear it for them.

4. The rhythms of illness, care-giving and recuperation take center stage until healing is complete. There's no getting around it. You just have to get through. Waiting seems to be a common feature with illness: waiting for news of what is happening and what needs to be done to get better. Waiting for test results. Waiting for docs to weigh-in. Waiting for healing and recovery to take place.

5. The depth of my love for the people God grants me to share life with is manifested in ways different from other seasons and activities of life. It reminds me how much I love and appreciate them.

6. Illness brings out the best in people who interrupt their daily lives to pray, show up at the hospital, take care of needs and offer all sorts of support. Church happens.

7. God demonstrates his faithfulness in ways distinct from ordinary life. It seems his Presence manifests in remarkably revealing a creativity and breadth of resourcefulness I don't often notice in other areas of my life. I always have stories to tell of what God did in our weakest moments. Sometimes they are breath-taking.

Illness will always feel an enemy to me. It steals time, money and strength from us. But God shows up to confront this enemy on our behalf. Illness and injury cause life to take unexpected turns which we must endure as God walks us through them. He has the way forward.

In the end, I have seen healing and care. I've also seen death result. All of it can beckon us to see the need for fundamental change whether it's slowing down, taking better care of ourselves, or appreciating our seasons of "normalcy."

I would rather not go through these intrusions, but I have and will again. May they keep me nearer Jesus and those who are gifts to me beyond understanding.

Now its back to the hospital and my beloved.

Worry and Discouragement: Wicked Saboteurs of the Heart.

"Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" - Jesus.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication  with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."- Paul.

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage all you who wait for the LORD!" - David.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." - Moses.

Maybe it is just my emotive temperament, or maybe all geezers planting churches get waylaid more than their share by bouts with worry and discouragement. From what I have read through the accounts of even the great Kingdom missionaries over the centuries, these two pernicious saboteurs of the heart show up unwanted with frequency. They have to be battled or they can hamstring a mission, even turn it back leaving spiritual bodies everywhere.

What is a saboteur? The simple definition is anyone who commits sabotage.

What is sabotage? It is any underhanded interference or undermining of a cause, mission or enterprise. It is designed to cause so much injury or disruption as to derail the success of its target. It is secretive, and covert.

So a saboteur is someone or some agent dedicated to disrupting and destroying its object, and it tries to do so without detection.

All Christians are the targets of demonic saboteurs who work to obstruct, entrap and destroy them. They can attack subtly or overtly depending on the foothold they have gained in a person's life. Sin is the easiest entrance point for them, especially chronic sin that has serious disruptive or wounding potential. Even if not the case, demonic saboteurs are at work daily to obstruct, frustrate, tempt, lie to, and harass every believer. The goal is to distract, divert and destroy a Christian so he or she gradually walks away from God in despair: believing lies, trapped in sin or convinced there is no God - he gave up on the likes of them.

Harassment, enticement and deceit are key weapons of these saboteurs. The heart is the ultimate battlefield. It is in the heart that the battle is won or lost.

Of late, meaning the last month or so, the saboteurs of worry and discouragement have been whispering lies. It goes something like this:

"You know the money is going to run out again just like it did at the end of 2009.

 "Your counseling is drying up, little by little because you are a crappy counselor. No one wants to come and see a loser like you."

 "You know how many bills you have to pay each month? How long do you think you can keep doing that?"

"You know God is not going to keep bailing you out. He is frustrated and angry with how inept you are. Imagine/Northampton is going to fizzle and die. Everyone will see your shame because of the fool's errand you have been on. He never asked you to come up to Northampton."

"Look at how few people want to be involved with imagine. They came and went because they saw how lame you are. You guys couldn't do this if your lives depended on it. You just don't have it. God is abandoning you to your failure. Accept it."

"Admit it . . .it's over. What a joke. And all the people who trusted you are ruined because of you. They believed in what you said, and you let them down."

I could go on and on, but those thoughts were also accompanied by deep feeling of heaviness and emptiness showing up at night and at times when it feels we are dead in the water.The feeling were palpable and draining, both emotionally and physically.

I need to say, however, that people I know and love have been telling us God is having them pray more and more for us. To a person, they send words of encouragement, from God and from their own hearts. And, my own prayer life has been deepened and restored by the true adversity we have faced here in Northampton. I am getting stronger in prayer. Knowing other people have been summoned by God to pray and give witness to his love and mission for us has been water in the desert - treasures of life and spiritual sustaining. I have actually felt the physical sensation of some sort of darkness lifted off me twice early in the morning, a loosening and freeing. Quite extraordinary because I did not expect it,  It happened all of a sudden.

I am realizing worry and discouragement are powerful saboteurs of the heart. They obstruct and work to inhibit the sustained enlivening of faith and hope. They work to undermine courage and plant cancerous doubt in the heart of Jesus-followers who are stepping out in faith to fulfill the Kingdom mission God has summoned them to.

Worry steals faith; discouragement turns us away from hope. Both wear down and exhaust our hearts until we are numb and weary. We become lulled into impotence and sterile submission.

God commands: "HAVE NONE OF IT! DO NOT LISTEN. DO NOT AGREE. DO NOT SUBMIT. DO NOT STAY SILENT IN THE FACE OF HEART-SABOTAGING WHISPERINGS FROM LYING SPIRITS!"

The Truth is . . .

Jesus exhorts us not to worry at all. He avers that our lives are so much more than our daily needs which the Father already knows and will provide.

Paul says worry over nothing, and pray all the time for our need. He says if we persist, peace will guard our hearts against lying saboteurs.

David tells us to stand strong and let our hearts hold fast to courage while we wait for God who will be faithful.

Moses asserts God Almighty is with you and me; he's never left nor will he. In fact, he goes with us into the places and amongst the people we dread. Why be afraid?

So where are the spiritual saboteurs in your Kingdom mission these days? What are you doing about it? Where to you need to be healed or restored?

Cry out to God and tell others to cry for you.

God is near and he is not worried or discouraged.

 

When Discouragement Comes Calling

Someone very recently said to me that if I am feeling discouraged almost daily it is a true sign I am a church planter. His words, coming from someone who successfully planted one, were a great encouragement to me. I felt less alarmed and guilty about feeling discouraged in the often crazy-quilt experience of this work-the ups and down can come fast and furious more often than I like.

I realized that a big part my struggle with discouragement comes from expectations I place on myself and what I think others are placing on me, however innocently. When they ask with good intentions, "So how is the church going?" After I sheepishly tell them where we are in the mission, what I hear in my head is, "Really, that's all the further along you are? Um, what's wrong with you? Maybe you shouldn't even be doing this? In fact, maybe this was a fool's errand in the first place. What were you thinking . . . someone like you?" I want to slink into a hole and put out a sign saying "I am so sorry-really I am." Crazy, I know, but discouragement shows up quickly to reinforce the questions, and if I listen to what I am feeling at that moment, I get bushwhacked.

A part of me, truth be told, when I hear the progress and fruit of other planters wonders why we are not making "better" progress. I know we are under-resourced which creates a constant uphill battle. I realize we are learning how to do this as we go. It is true we are working in a tough place where obstacles are formidable. There are tangible reasons to work through. The problem is discouragement often blows past those reasons and wants to lure us into hopelessness. If it can gain a strong foothold we are effectively neutralized and rendered impotent for the task.

I have to admit, sometimes I get near the threshhold of hopelessness. I can see its dark ruins staining the distance and get a whiff of the death it represents. Not good.

But not the end of the story either.

Eventually, the Holy Spirit leans in and reminds me I am being fitted for a depth of trust and faith I have never experienced. I have been fitted similarly for the ministries God has invited us to shoulder, but not anywhere near this level. There is a very real "Will you believe and trust anyway even if things get bleak or the struggle never abates? Will you?" pervading each day in Northampton. God offers steel-jawed tenacity in this struggle, big-league faith and perseverance. Oddly enough, discouragement is necessary to achieve this degree of faithfulness. I don't like that to be honest, but I know it's necessary, even desirable (even if we fail ultimately in launching imagine/Northampton in the process, by the way).

I know discouragement will continue to come from time to time. It may even knock me off my feet once or twice. No matter, I want to know the depth of faith and trust God beckons me toward. Right now trying to launch imagine/Northampton is his vehicle for creating it in me. I am going to lose some days and I am going to break through into new territory some days. My hope is that imagine/Northampton will be planted and I will lay hold ofwhat God has been working to teach me.

The right perspective in this struggle I suspect is that in all of it, God is fitting me for the "weight of glory." The endgame defines and focuses my struggle toward eternity.

I like that.

Enduring the Ordeal (3 weeks in)

Tomorrow will end the third week since I went airborne from the truck and tore my quadraceps tendon upon landing. The days since have not been full of excruciating pain, although my knee has hurt substantially, especially early on. My recovery process due to God's grace in response to prayer I believe, has actually been rather remarkable. For that I am very grateful and in no way want to sound sniveling by what I am about write.

First a few definitions:

ORDEAL: difficult or painful experience, especially one that tests patience or endurance.

ENDURE: to carry through despite hardships, to suffer patiently without yielding; to bear with tolerance; to toughen.

STEADFAST: unswerving; steady; unwavering; unshakable.

The words above frame for me what my experience has been, what it requires, and what is to be gained by moving through it well, especially in terms of my fit for launching imagine/northampton in a tough place, and through tough times. I need to be toughened in spirit without being hardened in heart.

To explain, I chose the word ordeal because I think it describes my knee injury experience thus far. . . . with one reservation. I realize there are degrees of ordeal involving the intensity of suffering, the duration, and the consequences resulting from having to go through it. From 1-10, I think mine is a 5.

Still, the whole thing has been a painful experience which tests my patience and ability to endure well--by that I mean with integrity, graciousness, humility, faith and courage. I realize unless a person has suffered a substantial injury to the lower back, hips, knees or ankles, he or she cannot deeply appreciate how much we take for granted the ability we have to move about freely with little thought given. With such an injury all routine movements are harder due to pain, crutches, braces and just the need to be careful about doing the most ordinary of movements such as getting dressed, taking a shower, or walking through the house from one place to the next. It all hurts or takes more time and effort.

So there is much to be endured whether I like it or not. My freedom is limited. I must be cared for in the most routine of needs. I have to live with all the extra work Tricia has to do for me above and beyond everything else she has to do in our lives. I can't drive, play drums, sit for long periods (my leg is locked in extension by the brace), or help with the chores I normally do. I must bear all of it with tolerance, suffer patiently, and "carry on through despite the hardships" caused by me, and affecting Tricia. Enduring this injury well is enduring it with grace, flexibility, and laughing at it all sometimes, even when frustrated or tired.

In the end, the outcome I desire to see from enduring this mini-ordeal is my faith and resolve is unwavering and unshakable. I want to be steady toward the vision and mission God has called us to even if the cost is great and the setbacks are frequent. I want to be unswerving, keeping my eyes and heart on the True North that Jesus has called us to. I never want to let adversity tag me as a quitter when the going stays tough. "A long obedience in the same direction," is what I seek to hold fast to, no matter.

Having said the above, I need to finish by documenting 3 tormenters that have constantly tried to poke at me during this ordeal, especially at night or when I fall tired. They come as thoughts seeking to abide in my mind and create unbelief. They lie and distort, looking for an assent of my will and a giving in to fear. Ultimately, they want me to pack it all in, abandon my post, and retreat.

The first is FRUSTRATION. I don't like that I am having to go through any of this. I abhor the physical limits I must submit to until I am well. I feel trapped and blocked at times. Often, I wake up in the morning and the reality of being injured soon reminds me that none of it is going away soon. I must endure it. Also, I have to work through the frustration of having a counseling ministry in disarray right now. I have to start scheduling people in the midst of Physical Therapy appointments and I can't drive myself to any of it--more difficulty. I feel hemmed in and stymied because in a number of ways I am these days. FRUSTRATION seeks to wear me down in irritation and anger. It invites me to the worst kind of self-absorption: entitlement. I should be free to do as I please, when and how I please. Don't slow me down!!!

The second is FEAR. The thoughts begin to whisper to me: If I don't get back to work soon, there will be no money coming in. We'll default on everything. Where will we live? What will we do? People are counting on me to pull my weight. Pretty soon they are joined by reinforcements: The economy is tanking. There's nothing you can do about it. What a lousy time to launch a church! The rest of the team is not even up here and they are struggling as well. What did you get everybody into? What were you thinking? Soon the heavy-hitters come in for the kill: It's too late. Nothing's going to change. You are going to lose everything. You have failed everyone.

Finally, if I am paying attention to the first two, DISCOURAGEMENT drapes its sluggish, bloated body over me, and whines: Oh well, you're too old for this anyway. Your hope just isn't going to work out. Things are going to continue falling apart. Too bad. Nothing ever works out for you, does it? On and on it drones. If I don't wrest my thoughts away at this point I can slip toward depression which I must avoid at all costs. Discouragement wants me to go there so I disappear.

Ultimately, there are all sorts of treasures to learn from this unwanted interruption and I want to learn them all so when the day of full recovery arrives I am toughened in my character for the many challenges that still lie ahead. My injury is a part of this toughening and I submit to it.





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