Season of Advent: THE SACRED PAUSE: WAITING

Pilgrimage: St. Peter's 1 (2011)

Michelle Arnold Paine

When we look at the first two chapters of Luke we see the story of Jesus’ birth introducing us to people who are waiting: Zechariah and Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon and Anna.

In our culture, waiting is often seen as a waste of time. When we find ourselves in the experience of waiting our restlessness pushes us to want to do something, get going, or try to make something happen. We question “Why are we just sitting here waiting?”

Waiting can be for some of us an isolated desert experience. We tend to keep our attentions confused between where we want to go and where we really are. We are restless and preoccupied and often find ourselves trying to do something to get out of waiting.

What often fuels this unwillingness to wait is fear. When we are fearful we have a hard time waiting because when afraid we want to get away from where we are.

Yet, what do we see in the beginning of Luke’s gospel? We see people who hear the words “do not be afraid. I have something good to say to you.” What is established is the truth that they are waiting for something new and good to happen. These are people who trust and count on the word of God. They are able to wait and be attentive and expectant in their waiting.

What is the nature and practice of waiting?  How does God want us to understand the importance of waiting? LUKE 1:13, 31 “Zechariah…your wife Elizabeth is to bear you a son.” “Mary… Listen! You are to conceive and bear a son.” There is something happening here that is a key to understanding what waiting is all about. It is that they have received a promise that within them they sense that something is at work. 

Waiting has to do with having what we are waiting for already begin in us.We do not wait in a place that moves from nothing to nothing more. Rather, we move from something toward something more. In this place of waiting we see Zechariah, Mary and Elizabeth inspired to wait because of the seed of God’s promise planted in them. They are able to let this seed grow and nurture and feed them…to be birthed in them

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Waiting is not passive, but active. We might view it as a hopeless state, but we see in scripture that waiting more about being alive and present to the moment at hand. The splendid reality remains something is happening where you are, and you are wise to be attentive to such moments. What is being birthed in you?

A waiting person is a patient person. The word patient means:  the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out in the realization that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.

An impatient person is always expecting the real thing to happen in some other place.

Mary and Elizabeth modeled what waiting is all about. They were able to pay attention, and be alert and patient in the waiting so they could hear the voice of the Lord. Even when they doubted at first, they waited to hear God’s response.

Waiting is also where we need to give up control because to wait is often open-ended. We want definite, clear-cut, concrete answers. We cannot stay in the place of waiting because we get wrapped up in wishes instead of living in a place of hope. Wishes tend to have attached to them the need to control the future. We want to do the thing that will make the desired result take place. Our wishes also can be tied to nagging fears.

The difference with Mary, Elizabeth and Zechariah is they were not filled with wishes, but with HOPE.

Henry Nouwen describes hope this way: “Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not according to our wishes.

Mary was in the place of open-ended waiting. Her words “I am the handmaiden of the lord … let what you have said to me be done,” are words that speak of trusting good things will happen even when we don’t know what it all means. Our waiting, like Mary’s, should be open to all possibilities. For when we listen carefully, we can trust in letting God define our life according to His Love for us and not according to our fears. Henry Nouwen defines spiritual life as, “a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things far beyond our own imagination, fantasy, or prediction.”                                                            

In this beautiful, effulgent season, we are reminded to wait for the one who is our hope. Not based in positive or negative thinking or as a matter of chance, Jesus is our hope and our hope in Him is based on the God who will be with us at all times, in all places, whatever happens.

When we wait where Jesus is our hope, we are in an active movement of God leading us. Mary was in a posture of actively waiting for God to fulfill what He promised her. It was letting God be God and letting the Lord speak forth life into her waiting.

GOD LIGHTS THE WAY TO FOLLOW EVEN IN OUR WAITING AND SEARCHING.

Often we are unable to wait because we don’t know how God is showing us how to wait or where it will lead us, if we do manage to wait.

Truth be told, the Christmas star is an invitation to each of us to follow, a calling forth from God to go where He is. The star is God’s finger pointing to where we can find Him. The star points to Jesus, Jesus points to who and what God is; we can find Him in the midst of our searching and our waiting.

God is asking us to live in the movement of God leading us as we follow the star put before us. We are waiting for what is to come, but engaged in God leading, guiding us. We wait; listening to Him who is there with us in the waiting. Our waiting becomes more familiar and still, and we realize that who we are waiting for is with us, here to speak to us in the middle of the waiting into the silence of our hearts.

The star is the symbol to follow the light in the places of darkness. We may not know where, or how, or which way to go in the darkness, but the finger of God is pointing the way for us to follow.

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Look at the paintings on the walls. Are you drawn toward any one of them? Spend some time gazing at a painting or more. Ask God to reveal something about who he is or who you are in him? Stay in this listening posture until you’ve sense God is finished speaking to you by what you’ve seen.

Now reflect on the questions below. Listen for his response to you:

1. Lord, how do you want to best prepare my heart in this time of waiting?

2. Father, how do you want me to follow your light that points the way you set before me?

When Brothers Listen, Forgive and Reconcile There Is a Kingdom Sweetness Present.

Sometimes Kingdom ministry makes all the effort you put into serving and trying to do some good worth every bit of it. Yesterday in the afternoon after our gathering, I had the opportunity to sit around a table at a local eatery with two brothers who were taking the chance to overcome some hurts between them. Hurst which had broken their relationship.

Two weeks prior, I'd sat with one of them and we talked of how I'd hurt him and he'd hurt me.  Jesus engineered the opportunity by bringing us together at a funeral of someone we both knew. Later, at a coffee place in town, we talked of failure and missed opportunity. The hurting was not premeditated on either of our parts. As we headed into the dialogue, there were nerves present, sure; a year ago our attempts to work out things had gone badly; the relationship was in effect deceased. But at that table two weeks prior, there was a desire in both of us to listen and reconnect. It was strong. We'd shared all sorts of life together before, and because of what happened between us, lost a year until finally being able to sit down, and try to make things right, which is the way we're supposed to live in the Kingdom together. All of us know "supposed to's" aren't necessarily always "will do's."

We did work it out and recognized there was a second conversation needing to be had with another brother  we were both in relationship with. His was pretty much severed with this brother; mine was not.

So yesterday afternoon, we braved the cold wind, trudged up Main Street, and sat down over coffee at a different coffee place. I was not on the receiving or giving end of this discussion. I was there to listen, and pray, and help if things began to run aground. I supported both these men because they are my brothers.

For much of the next two hours they talked over what had happened. Both men were humble, willing to hear, and open to reconciling. The younger man did more talking than the older, but both were very engaged. Pain was shared and sometimes with tears not far away. No rancor nor defensiveness was present, only trying to understand and forgive ... genuinely forgive. I saw much grace and wisdom in how they talked with one another. The tone of their words and willingness to reconnect built a bridge over which they could cross toward the others side. There were times when we all laughed heartily, and there were other times sprinkled in the conversation where listening well and opening to the other's point of view was fully present.

As an interesting side note, there were folks sitting near us and could hear our conversations. The same was true when I had the dialogue with this young brother earlier. In each instance, people looked at us and heard us talk of tough things, yet remain gentle and willing to change. They knew we were Christians involved in church together. It was obvious by the words we used and the issues we worked through. I have to say, what they heard would in no way have disgraced our witness to the fact we are Christ-followers. I think they heard something different, very real, but full of grace from both sides of the table...the way the Kingdom does and should work when we actually live it.

I don't know if the others guys felt it, I didn't ask, but I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in both conversations. There was a palpable peace, openness, and order, instead of offense, and vitriol, or rigid defensiveness. In the title of this blog, I used the word sweetness. I mean it in the sense of a masculine gentleness and kind forbearance with one another; working well to keep the bonds of filial peace and love; being malleable in relationship to the truth, even that which convicts; and showing forth the heart of God toward one another, realizing all of us were once blind sinners far from God, and needed a cross to make the relationship with him (and one another) right. The Scripture also says where the Spirit is there is freedom. There is a sweetness in being free to forgive, make real peace, and be willing to restore brotherhood in Christ. It's not being weak or nice or feckless. This sweetness is inhabited by the Presence of Christ; it's a fierce love which overcomes our blinded brokenness, and frees us to be human as he lived what true masculine humanity looked like.

If you've read this blog regularly you know I've mentioned before that the Kingdom works when its values, truths and principles are actually applied to real life. More often than we'd like to admit, they're not applied very well, especially when the going is consistently uncomfortable, frustrating, costly or tough. Two weeks ago, and yesterday I saw them applied in two very human brothers, and it left me with quiet joy.

Seeking Jesus When You've Already Been Found.

I've been a Christian for 41 years. Through those four plus decades, I like many folks who've "walked" with him for a while have alternated more than I'd like to admit between substantial periods of vital spiritual intimacy with Jesus, and long stretches of spiritually-tepid sleep-walking, or a distracted auto-pilot spirituality. In other words, I've moved close to seek him earnestly, and I've drifted away absorbed with other things while maintaining my "religious habits." There was no heart in the latter. I know, I lived it.

My recent return to the spiritual disciplines I spent years immersed in has got me thinking about how Christ-followers persevere in a "seeking" posture with God throughout the whole of their lives. By seeking, I mean pressing in to God; doing the work of intimacy; looking for and discerning the present activity of God in one's daily experience; being able to see all of reality saturated with his presence.

As Paul Simon once sang of a man who's: "got a short-little attention span." I'd say most, if not all of us, might have a "short-little spiritual attention span" more often than we'd care to admit. It seems our spiritual lives get compartmentalized into buckets of time where we read the Bible, have our devotions with prayer, go to church on Sunday for worship, go to a Bible study or a small group for fellowship, volunteer, etc. We maintain our spiritual habits, in part, because those activities are what Christians do. It's our culture and way of life. And much good can come from all of those activities. But factor in the "faster I go, the behinder I get" pace many of us tend to labor under these days, we're doing well to even crack open a Bible, or get to church, much less pray and listen with depth.

Fortunately, over the years I've known Christians who just seemed to have an abiding connection to Jesus. They talked of him as if he were accessible; for them, there was a daily presentness to him different from what I observed in other Christians. Each person sought him regularly even though they had been long in the fold. In fact, seeking him was a core spiritual value, and they found great life in so doing. He was there when they sought him. They put in effort for sure, but it was worth the effort evidenced by the fact they persisted in seeking because they sojourned with God.

I realize it's all about passion and desire. The motivation to continue seeking him is fueled by passion to know all about him, to draw near, and to experience his presence even in the ordinary. Relational intimacy and personal transformation are the goals. Love inspires the sought after relationship; love between God and the person. God loves him or her and the person loves God. Love draws both toward the Beloved. If not it becomes some other kind of relationship, if a relationship at all.

So as I've thought about it, I'm reminded of certain residing spiritual practices of "found seekers" I've been around:

1. Some of them are people who love to worship. By worship I refer to the evocative and expressive practices of Christians to gather (or worship alone), sing, praise and exalt God. Worship is a language of love well-suited to these folks. As they seek him in worshiping, they don't need a church service or prayer gathering, although you will find them there and eagerly so. They love immersing deeply into praise, sung or spoken or danced. Exalting God alone and with others seems to be a natural expression of affinity for them. They will worship in the privacy of prayer, or gather with many to lift up and lovingly extol the Name of the Most High. They can worship at work, at home or in a formal setting. They look forward to singing about God and for God. Getting absorbed in his Presence as they focus heart and mind on him feels like home. Worship is not a second language or an "acquired taste" for them. It is the song of another country for which they long.

2. Some of them are people who love to listen in prayer. I've been one of them. Such folks grow to repeatedly and regularly spend time in solitude and silence where they can talk to God plus listen for his response. They've learned that prayer is dialogic rather than primarily monologic. They've learned to hear the subtle sonorities of the "still, small voice." Through practice they can discern the Spirit's "voice of a gentle whisper." In so doing, intimacy with Christ has become a way of life. When God talks to you there is a closeness which undergirds the way you live your Christian life. While everyone experiences times of feeling distant from God, these seekers and followers of Jesus persist in pursuing him because they have known rich times of being near and knowing his desire for them. I believe a persisting seeking of Jesus when you've been found by him is best realized in learning to listen and recognize to him in the quiet; not exclusively so, but practically so.

3. Some of them are people who love to pray. Such folks seek God fervently through intercession, petition, confession, and supplication. They feel nearest to God when they are in their prayer closets praying for all they have on their hearts. For them, prayer is deep connecting; it's engaging the living God with important matters they must ask him for and tell him about. They have a strong and abiding sense of responsibility to pray and to pray often; unceasing prayer is a call on their lives. In fact, praying is the normal Christian life for them. They notice all that is needed in and around and they carry the burden to lift it before the throne of grace to a God who cares and listens. Sometimes for these folk, seeking is wrestling and wrestling some more with God about stuff that can't wait. I've noticed intercessors never seem to tire when it comes to prayer, even if answers in some things don't come easily, or perhaps never at all . They faithfully "man" their posts and seek Jesus day-in and day-out. It's the high point of seeking him in the day. People of persisting prayer are most alive in the praying.

4. Some of them are people who love to study. I've had the fortune to be around a number of these Christ-followers. For them, the frequent and deep study of the Scriptures is a primary mode of seeking Jesus. These are the men and women who examine the Word closely. They might have dictionaries, commentaries and word studies to get to the heart of what God is saying and who he is. They may perhaps learn Greek and Hebrew -- even if they are not seminary-trained -- to seek the heart and mind of the Lord with skill and care proper for giving due respect to his revealed word. As they seek him deeper and deeper into the text, their devotion to its Author strengthens and matures. For them, such study is a life-blood; it's a delight. They see the beauty and majesty of Christ by what is written in the Book of all books. Their passion is equal to the other folks above. Theirs is an errand of love and deep devotion leading to what is right, good, and true in service of the One they seek and follow.

5. Some of them are people who love to serve. Any of us who've been in the church for a while know people who seem to unself-consciously exude a servant heart. They're the ones who regularly volunteer for workday, or seem to have a knack for finding what's needed in a given situation and then meeting it. These men and women both have a "how can I help/what can I do?" perspective. They seek God by serving him and his people wherever someone should take initiative to get things done. As they do, they feel in touch with him. Being of service is a joy and a practical devotion. They don't serve for kudos, they serve for relationship and intimacy with the Most High. These people relate to Jesus the Servant and want to emulate him; to be a Christ-follower is to be a servant at heart. I think they like the tangibility of helping meet real needs in a real world full of need, both big and small. Serving is an act of gratitude for what Jesus has given them and an act of love for people. They extend grace in service because grace has met their deepest need and they are set free.

I know there are other ways believers seek Jesus wholeheartedly, but I've been marked and shaped by observing and living near the kinds of folks I  mention above. My seeking the Lord and my Friend has come from what I've seen in such other found seekers, and what they taught me as a result. I've come to realize the Christian way of life is seeking so as to give and serve because we have been "found" by the gracious Servant of all. Seeking more of Jesus, then, becomes more of being freed to give one's self away; to "leave it all on the field" as the saying goes, before our eyes close and our breath ceases on this brief leg of eternity. Our being found means we've have a standing invitation to give it all away. In some way such seeking is emptying.

The Kingdom Does Work If It's Actually Tried.

For the last year, Tricia and I have had the blessing and privilege as counselors to walk alongside of a couple who worked through a very sad and painful situation many Christian couples have encountered. They had to trudge through considerable pain and anguish as they headed toward healing together. These folks have been dedicated to the cause Christ for decades, and the fruit they've produced shows the love they had for people. Yet one of them stumbled and very hard work had to be done. They never gave up.

Last night, Jim LaMontagne, Tricia and I got to be part of a celebration of restoration and healing for them in the community they serve. Grace abounded. Mature men and women gathered in solidarity and gratitude for all that Christ had done in their midst to overcome the satanic schemes aimed at this couple and the community. As we worshiped, gave testimony, cried and laughed together, heard a word from God, and gathered around our friends to pray for them, I was struck once again that when we as followers of Jesus actually live the way of the Kingdom with one another, healing, reconciliation and restoration is the outcome.

Putting in the hard work of forgiving and rebuilding relationships is daunting. Doing so means confronting aching fear, and working through deep hurt or betrayal. Trust has to be found and rebuilt. People have to feel safe that when the unthinkable happens and whole communities are effected, the necessary due diligence has been put forth for them to lower their guard. It's all a matter of integrity, faith and spiritual maturity.

These folks did it. It took a year, but they did it.

A sadder reality is, if we don't live the Kingdom way with one another, we easily apply the "one-strike-you're out" rule, especially with our leaders, but not exclusively so. It was in the church I first heard the phrase "we shoot our wounded." In my 25 years as a Christian counselor, I've seen the vile devastation wrought by utter meanness from one Christian toward another, usually with a head held high. Churches are filled with walking wounded. As my friend and imagine cohort Jim likes to say: "we become self-appointed fruit inspectors," always measuring our brethren by standards we can't or don't live ourselves. In those instances, we ignore the rule and way of the Kingdom by pursuing our own selfish inclinations. Friendships, marriages, families, and churches split over such selfishness.

But, last year and last night showed me how Christians should work through the unthinkable with one another. It wasn't perfect or pretty, but it was right.

Here's what I've learned about how the Kingdom actually works in such tough situations when folks actually step up and try hard:

You head full into the pain together.You make sure you have a firm grasp of the facts, not hearsay or self-righteous gossip. That takes time; the dust needs to settle for truth to appear. Ask lot's of questions. Keep your wits about you. Work to share honestly from the heart. Listen hard for the heart of the other, especially the one who has stumbled and is being mangled by shame, guilt, fear, regret, and even self-hatred. Listen well also to everyone drawn in and wounded by what happened. Pray for wisdom and choose to love all the time. Don't jump to conclusions. Persist toward healing and reconciling if the people involved open. Be patient because there will be frightfully high emotions, confusion, anger, and doubt peppered throughout the task. Look to make peace. If and when the matter is resolved, celebrate joyously, and refuse to let the adversary open up old wounds or resentments. It is finished. Keep it that way. You may also have to mourn the loss of brethren who refuse to walk in the Kingdom way because of what happened, even if it didn't happen directly to them. Human sin costs.

The Kingdom principles of grace, healing, reconciliation and restoration are not practiced enough. They are talked about, but when a bomb gets dropped in the middle of things, or people have to wade waist deep through a persisting and painful mess, many abandon the very hard task of living through them, and not giving up when the way is rough. Wisdom, graciousness, and courage disappear. We lose much when we allow that to happen. Moving on without making the effort God requires of us is actually falling backwards.into darkness. It's never worth it.

I've not always lived the Kingdom way in my relationships. In fact, I've failed more than once.Not proud of it. My spiritual immaturity has been a thief and a liar. I'm still growing in this regard. But I'll say with assurance, with grace and good-natured courage, and the Holy Spirit's patient reminding, I'll keep making progress. Last night reaffirmed for me the Kingdom way is the only way that brings real life and hope.

Prayer For Being Careful With Your Words.

Last Sunday, I gave a talk at imagine/Northampton called "Our Words Leave Marks On Others." The main idea centered on the  power of the tongue to speak life or death to other people. It can crush or liberate them using mere words. But as a counselor, much of my work has to do with people striving to help folks heal from those rascals. It is no small task for many. A word has the power to alter the trajectory of an entire life. Throwing them around like so much confetti is a fool's errand to say the least.

Of late, I've been composing Opening and Closing Prayers we say together in our worship. The prayers reflect the theme of the day helping us enter in and leave Sunday worship under the umbrella of a commonly- held idea. So I thought I'd share it with you in the hope you could use it to be more mindful of what you say.

Father of lights,

Fill my words this  week with grace and truth, wisdom and gentleness.
Set a guard, Oh Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.
Set a guard over my heart that I might not be careless, rash or irresponsible in anything I say. 
Let my words give life and liberty, not wounding or discouraging.
Let me hear clearly others words, and speak rightly such that nothing I say deceives, discourages or diminishes anyone.
Visit my thoughts with your Word that I might honor you in every conversation I have.

Make it so.

Amen

Notes on the Human Heart Chronically Without Christ.

1. The human heart chronically without Christ is a fickle, restless and a voracious tyrant. It wants what it wants only as long as it wants it.

2. The human heart chronically without Christ is small because it serves a disastrously nearsighted master: self. Self is diseased to the degree it will eventually kill the heart's capacity to truly see and hold another person's heart as if it were it's own.

3. The human heart chronically without Christ plays endless, sometimes brilliantly subtle games to get others to feed it's lusts and treasured impulses.

4. The human heart chronically without Christ is cruel for it will subjugate other people to elevate itself and be glad it did, often hiding it's glee.

5. The human heart is chronically without Christ is deceitful to depths beyond knowing, habitually lying to itself and others to uphold the labyrinthine fantasies of fools.

6. The human heart chronically without Christ is never fully satisfied, so it is easily courted by users, posers, sycophants and flatterers - human or not.

7. The human heart chronically without Christ plays dangerous games in minefields littered with crushed dreams and shattered lives.

8. The human heart chronically without Christ sees Potemkin Villages as investment opportunities.

9. The human heart chronically without Christ can cherish any illusion which comforts it's own vanities, and celebrates its proud ego inflations.

10. The human heart chronically without Christ will be gradually hardened to the point where it's no longer human, and will never be again.

11. The human heart chronically without Christ might choose the way of death - whistling all the while or slowly accepting monstrosities as necessary.

12. The human heart chronically without Christ will most likely appear respectable, a model citizen, a "Hail fellow well-met," an agreeable, pleasant chap, but at it's core lives a parasite slowly eating.

Engendering a Culture of Spiritually Fecund Leaders and Jesus-Followers, Part 2.

Continuing with Part 2 of our response to the question put: how can we engender that sort of leadership, that conviction that it is the "normal christian life" I'll begin by averring that a spiritually fecund culture I began describing in Part 1 will gradually be characterized by individual and corporate devotion to Christ, the One who is ever alive and present in our midst, coupled with a consequent lived-out devotion to what matters most to him. Character development, then I think, becomes centered in spiritual formation lived out by sacrificial love and service as the way of life.

In my mind, that means at least three things - under the guidance and with the help of the Holy Spirit of course: 1.) followers of Jesus taking responsibility for their emotional and relational health/maturing; 2.) followers of Jesus taking responsibility for their on-going spiritual growth; 3.) followers of Jesus taking responsibility for embracing God's mission, culminating in embodying the Gospel of Christ in a person's world.


Let me set the stage of bit. Beginning at age 35, the Holy Spirit began to pull me into the world of inner healing, first my own healing, then Tricia's. It took a couple of years. But the end of my soul work, a leash to self-hatred and fear had been cut. I was freed. I knew what it felt like and looked like. I knew how God did it.

Very soon after, God brought someone to us and our 26 years of inner healing and counseling began. Over the course of those years, I started to notice an unmistakable pattern emerge. I saw that men and women who decided to "own" their responsibility for pursuing healing got better. Those who didn't, for the most part stayed bound to their pain and/or darkness. They dwelt in immaturity unawares. It soon was plain to me that an engaged will cooperating with the freeing work of the Holy Spirit increased a likelihood for emotional, psychological and relational maturing. Conversely, when people came to my office looking mostly to blame others, find an easy, painless fix, or were not really serious about heading into distress, fear, and sin, it never went well and they remained spiritually infantile or adolescent . . . again unawares.

To the point of this blog, engendering a spiritually fecund culture of leaders and Jesus-followers requires leaders model and facilitate, i.e., foster the setting where wills are motivated to engage such spiritual maturing because spiritual maturing is communicated as the desired Christian life, and opportunities for such growth are many. In such a cultural atmosphere, people become well aware that emotional and relational maturing is not solely the job of the pastors, elders, Sunday School teachers, small group leaders or "spiritual parents." People are poked graciously, creatively and often to "do what it takes" to mature, as well as, heal rifts between one another. Help is generously offered, but people must step up and engage. Then again, time, emotional and relational growth is not seen as an end in itself. Rather, it is viewed as a gradual spiritual tempering and tuning, deepening character and making one fit for the Kingdom work to which he or she has been summoned.


Therefore, in my eyes, emotional and relational maturing is foundational to engendering a culture of spiritually fecund leaders and Jesus followers. Graciously expecting everyone is summoned to do such internal work themselves as the Spirit prompts is a Kingdom enterprise of leaders no matter how programmatic their church milieu. If it's not done, a church can wind up with perpetual "feed me" spectators, and burning out leaders scrambling to pour milk into all the open mouths gaping from one week to the next. 

In my work helping people free and grow up, I also realized those who pursued (as the normal Christian life) knowing Jesus intimately became spiritual leaders from their heart-driven following of him. Merely going to services on Sunday to sing, hear a good, uplifting sermon, and be prayed for after church was not enough for them. They took and held responsibility for finding and using the richness of what God made available to the Church for learning and followed hard from a surrendered heart and an informed mind. I liken it to becoming deeply knowledgeable or skilled with the essentials of one's work. There is investment and motivation and individual effort. Such people don't have to be enticed, or prodded. They embrace Jesus, His Gospel and Kingdom mission as their primary identity out of which all life flows - their normal Christian life.


Therefore, engendering a spiritually fecund culture of leaders and Jesus-followers in this regard means being less: "well, how about if we do this or offer that? Maybe this will be an exciting sermon series, or let's bring in that big gun, or have you heard about what's going on with revival over there; how about we get in on that? I'm not saying  new ideas or nascent moves of the Spirit are to be ignored outright, but the discipling bar has to be held high, and kept there, not as some legalistic super-spiritual club for elites, but as an inestimable treasure, well-worth everyone giving their all for, even if a person's life is a mess and it's going need some fixing. Spiritually fecund leadership and followership must reflect a passionate longing and resiling dedication for the glory of God manifested, so the bent-over are given generous dollops of the Good News. It's a matter of the heart in leaders and followers; what it truly desires . Hungering for spiritual growth and maturing is like glimpsing the beauty of heaven's standing invitation because one is family member, and spending life pursuing it, and then out of a joyous overflow, reflecting the family values to family members who've never dreamed they're invited. 

I'll close my post with the idea that engendering a spiritually fecund culture of leaders and Jesus-followers will be a training environment, particularly as it pertains to fostering a growing embrace of God's Mission culminating in embodying the Gospel of Christ in a person's world. Everyone in church communities should be gradually trained to recognize they are a Kingdom missionary selected by God, sent into the world under the guidance of the Holy Spirit "to proclaim the excellencies of him who called [them] out of darkness into his marvelous light," (1Peter 2:9), and to enflesh his love through sacrificial service and manifesting the good. The Gospel mission of God is entrusted to the people of God, each and every one. It is their calling and their completing.


Therefore the normal Christian life is life on mission. Church leaders are tethered to the task of proclaiming, modeling, counseling, exhorting, encouraging, and inspiring people to follow Christ into their neighborhoods, workplaces, schools, towns and cities - ready to live the Gospel in a way others can make it out, and be intrigued (even if,at first, they're antagonistic, by the way). Leaders do well to communicate the reality of the call in a way that people can see it's really possible for "ordinary ol'" them to take up the mission. It will require patience and time to help people unlock or open to the possibility God uses folks, and the story they have to tell of how Jesus moved into their lives, changing the whole deal.


Leaders also need to train people how to overcome the relentless intimidation (at least, at first) of their adversary who assaults them with fear, lulls them into spiritual sleepwalking, or obstructs with life's exasperating entanglements and roadblocks. They must be given spiritual eyes to see (read discern) the tricks and subterfuges of the one who seeks to grind them down, turn them aside, or trap them in labyrinths of sin. He's part of the missional landscape, but we've the Cross, the Resurrection, the Scriptures and Spirit.
Leaders give them spiritual tools for the fight and fight along side them. Spiritual fecundity grows strong in the fight when people press on because Christ in them has overcome the world, the flesh and the devil.


By the way, lest I sound insensitive to the reality of crippling human pain, sorrow and suffering, I'm not. I know what it looks like from the work I've done, and what my family has endured. I've been asked to help in almost every variation of evil possible within the human condition, at least in my various necks of the woods. I agree leaders must create healing communities as well where the wounded and breaking can come to rest and refresh. Sometimes that takes a while . . . a long while. Occasionally, there are tragic casualties. The world we find ourselves in gives place to the church as a sanctuary and spiritual hospital. Our leaders are to help care for the sick, wounded and deeply tired or severely broken in our midst as they are also training up people to: mature emotionally and relationally, take responsibility for their spiritual growth, and enter the mission of the Kingdom in their sphere's of influence.


I know there's much more to be said about this spiritual fecundity business, but I'll let you chew on what I've offered for awhile. 

I'd love to hear your questions and concerns.

A Simple Obedience at Steve's "Kiosk."

This morning I was up early descending the 3 flights of stairs from our apartment and heading out onto the street for an early morning walk. As I came out the front door, I looked to my left and saw Steve setting up what he slyly with a wink and smile calls his "kiosk," his normal spot to spend the day waiting for the financial kindness of strangers to fill his can.

He didn't see me, but I thought I'd catch him on the way back. For some curious reason, as I was walking to deposit garbage where we do, I remembered a conversation I'd had yesterday with Sherry, a homeless woman we've known for a year. She was standing in for Steve at his "kiosk" so he could attend to the bathroom or get something to eat. Almost immediately, as I recalled talking to her, I heard God say I should offer to "stand in" so Steve can take a break if he needed to. It seemed like a wonderful way to bless him - one I'd not thought of. He would not expect it.

Well wouldn't you know it, just as I headed up Pleasant Street retuning from my garbage run, there was Steve lighting up a used smoke 15 yards ahead of me. I greeted him and asked how he was doing. He told me he was in search of a can. Voila! That was my cue, so I asked him if he needed anyone to watch his stuff while he searched. His face lit up with a smile and asked "Really?" I said, "Yup!" He was delighted. Off he went and off I went.

I walked up to his spot in front of CVS on Main Street and immediately felt self-conscious, a sort of "What do I think I'm doing here?" I don't look homeless. Will people who are used to seeing Steve there - he's kind of a fixture- wonder what the heck I'm doing? So, I just stood sheepishly next to his stuff. God said, "Step right into where he usually stands." I hesitated liked a nimnul, inched half way in (seriously), and then the rest. Even though there was hardly anyone out and about, I still felt self-conscious. A few people were going into Brueggher's and CVS. They didn't seemed too concerned.  

Really??? I don't stand out like a sore thumb?

The thing is, in this simple way I was breaking new ground personally. So much of what God has been up to  in my life with him since moving up here has been about pushing me past my comfort. When I was living in CT, I never could've imagined me doing even such a simple gesture of kindness as watching a homeless man's gear for a few moments, but there I was. He's not thrown me into the deep end of the missional pool yet, but he might on of these days if I'm faithful in little things like what I did this morning, the hesitating and sheepishness notwithstanding.

Steve returned shortly and thanked me profusely. He's a kindhearted and humble man as I mentioned last month. He's one of the men I've been praying John 6:44 over. I went and got him a coffee, said goodbye, and headed out for my walk.

I was really tickled God had spoken to me and then provided immediately the opportunity to respond. I know it's a very small gesture of grace, but for me it represents progress in the direction I want to keep heading and never look back. I want to get better at obeying when God says to act in the moment, especially when it has something to do with showing forth the love of Jesus to his broken or forgotten ones.

My spirits were buoyant as I left him. I had a prayerwalk the likes of which I've not had in a while. My heart entreated the Father to open the Kingdom to Northampton. I prayed hard for everyone of imagine's people, all my family members, and the three men I'm asking the Father to draw to the Son. I was more focused and fervent than I've been in weeks. I don't know exactly, but obeying seemed to loosen something in me.

Perhaps a simple, unexpected obedience cracked open the door.

Raising Boys Into Emotionally Mature Men, Part II.

1. Living by core values (living for something greater than the unholy trinity of me, myself and I).

Most measures of emotional maturity give high marks to living for transcendent values which align the person to ethical, moral or spiritual non-negotiables ennobling him or her if practiced for a lifetime. In my way of thinking living by universal core values which bring blessing to others actually humanizes a person. A life lived for something (SomeOne) greater than one's self captures what used to be termed the "normal Christian life." Jesus summed it best for me when he said the fulfilling of all the Law and the Prophets resided in loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and your neighbor as yourself. The converse is a spiritually pathological self-absorption: I am the center of the universe and others are merely servants of my desire and will, or bit players in the masterpiece of my life, entering and leaving the stage as I determine. They exist for me.

Helping a boy develop emotionally mature core values gives him eyes to see and love what is priceless in this world: God, persons, sacrificial love, humility, honor, service, compassion, wisdom, truth, generosity, defending the oppressed and defenseless, etc. It starts with learning behaviors like sharing, admitting wrongdoing, being considerate, helping, not hurting people, etc. The goal is to help a boy see others in his life as more than extensions of what he wants.

Life is packed with value-teaching moments, and it's a father's responsibility to take advantage of them repeatedly, modeling and encouraging his son's building life around transcendent core values. A father shows his core values by what he actually lives as non-negotiable, When his words and deeds match his values consistently in front of his son, he incarnates them so they're understood as real and attractive to imitate. He imprints them on his son. The boy must eventually choose, but he is given ample opportunity to emulate what his dad values most.

A distant, angry detached, unavailable, preoccupied or boyish father seriously wounds his son's ability to grasp healthy masculine core values. He learns a wounding message of indifference or antagonism which threatens to blind and cripple his ability to vitally connect with others, much less noble, transcendent values. He can become trapped in a life of habitually serving me, myself and I, thus living as a detached stranger. A detached man is a wandering alien cut off from true relationship, lost in an endless cycle of self-serving transactions with strangers. Every person will value something; it's how God wired humanity. A dad who sees it as his duty to help his children know the right, good, true and beautiful in a winsome and loving way increases exponentially the likelihood his children will be loving people living their "utmost for his highest."

2. Facilitating the priceless attribute of character.

If a boy is able as he grows to internalize transcendent core values reflecting the good, true and beautiful, he will also be developing his character. Character is another sine qua non of maturity, masculine or feminine. It carries with it notions of integrity, soundness, competence and dependability. A person of character has an earned reputation for trustworthiness, steadfastness and authenticity. Someone demonstrating character is relied on because his deeds consistently confirm his words. People don't refer to him as someone who is "all talk," and not to be believed, because while he may say "he'll get it done," experience often contradicts his words. People learn to believe such a person will not come through; he or she has lost credibility.

One of the sure ways both parents can facilitate character development in a boy is by training a strong work ethic into him. He needs to see there are times for play and times for work. Both are good. A strong work ethic takes root by involving a boy in helping around the house or in the yard, Dad's if they can, should include their sons (and daughters for that matter) in their professional work life, and strive to teach the normalcy, responsibility and pleasure of work well done. He should encourage him to help his mother in her work as well. At young ages, making work fun, and rewarding efforts slowly solidifies the idea in a boy that work isn't something to be avoided or is just for mom and dad. Gradually, he learns to take responsibility and builds confidence in his ability to do so.

It's disastrous for a young man not to have a healthy work ethic or sense of responsibility for himself and toward others. It can draw his emerging life into becoming a trainwreck, and set in motion excruciating years of failure, deceit, fear and shame. A man who won't work is a man cut off from his being. He gradually loses himself in a paralyzing boyhood of diminishing returns. He will serve his pleasures and cravings instead. On the other hand, a young man who can be trusted with increasing amounts of responsibility because he's developed character will earn respect and have opportunity given to him. He's found a critical piece of what he was made for.

3. Helping bring forth service as raison d'etre.

The Scriptures teach that avidly pursuing a life of serving God and others as the fundamental reason for being alive is what we were all created for: Mk. 10:45; Ro. 12:11; Deut. 13:4; Gal. 5:13; 1 Pe. 4:10; Lk. 22:26-27; Jn. 12:26.  We glorify God in all we do by reflecting his servant heart. Therefore, a man with a servant heart is well-pleasing to God and of great blessing to other people.

Masculine emotional maturity finds its deepest expression in the freedom to be a servant rather than the childish idea of the macho man who demands to be served. That man is a caricature and a boy. True and godly emotional maturity requires the loyal obedience of a bondservant to his LORD and Master. We don't like that notion because of the ignoble history of humans cruelly forcing other humans (including children), into harsh involuntary servitude, even today. In reality, the Greek word used in the Bible (NT) repeatedly for servant is doulos which actually translates to slave. In other words, a Jesus-follower's reason for being is to serve Christ and his Kingdom interests as his primary identity and "reasonable" service.

To help a son embrace such radical service (either vocationally or as a fundamental attitude in everything) as a chosen way of life helps him move close to his Kingdom missional calling, thus preventing the all-too-common bifurcation of what he does in the Kingdom and what he does in the world. All of life becomes an existential platform for serving Jesus -- the way it should be.

Therefore, he should see his dad as one who's eager to serve; one who initiates serving at home in concert with his mom, in the neighborhood, at church, or even for strangers. Such a dad helps without complaining. He's a "what can I do?" kind of guy. No job is too ordinary or beneath him to be done and done well, cheerfully and with integrity. A dad who constantly complains about having to help around the house or shows indifference to a family's many chores, especially "woman's work" sends a boyish and wrong message to everyone in the household. In so doing, he serves the One to whom he belongs, emulating his nature.

4. Nurturing your son's giftedness.

One of the most important blessings a parent can give his son is to look for and recognize the gifts he's been given and call them forth. I had a brilliant mentor who has an understanding of giftedness second to none. I worked with him for 10 years helping people discover their motivational design of gifts. I still do such work.  He's written a book, (Discovering Your Child's Design, http://www.amazon.com/Discovering-Childs-Design-Ralph-Mattson/dp/155513226X,)  and worked extensively on the matter. His name is Ralph Mattson. In my opinion. you'd be wise to purchase and read it with your spouse.

When you understand how compelling motivational giftedness is, and its link to emotional maturity, you want to help ignite it in your son. Giftedness is linked to emotional maturity through the door of developing a sound work ethic and drive to serve. Valuing hard work, developing skill, and seeking a job well done is enhanced by being able to work in areas which are intrinsically motivating. There is pleasure and purpose in being able to do what we're designed to do. God did not make us like ants or bees programmed to perform our role as automatons. In his exquisite goodness, he gave us the ability to receive pleasure meaning in work. An emotionally mature man will use his gifts to do serving work which must be done regardless of it being intrinsically motivating, and work which makes him feel alive. The point is to balance both. Both bring God glory with the right heart-attitude.

So it's important for a father to notice what naturally seems to captivate his son in play. What is he drawn to naturally without being influenced or coerced? What patterns of behavior and effort do you see often? What do you notice he has potential for because there seems to be beginnings of a knack for something like:

• physical agility or speed, 
• the ability to figure out simple problems or come up with a creative way to do something, 
• a rich fantasy life or fascination with stories,
• strong communication skills,
• loving to work with his hands and build structures,
• the ability to draw or a fascination with a musical instrument lying around the house,
• a love of machines and how things work etc.,
• organizing things and creating order.

remember, you're looking for patterns and repeated activities he just naturally moves toward. In those areas, you should provide all sorts of activities to explore and try with increasing sophistication as he ages or until he finds another fascination (there may be many). If done in an atmosphere where you are also teaching him the value of work and doing a good job, you provide an open road and the necessary encouragement to help him make a mature approach to finding who he is motivationally, and you let him know it is good to do so.

5. Teaching him to be able to pursue and hold the heart of a woman for life.

I can't stress how important this is for masculine emotional maturity, and a God-honoring relationship with the woman a man commits to walk with through all of life. I've had the excruciating experience many times of seeing how a boy in a man's body can crush the heart and spirit of the woman he stood next to promising love and honor all of his days. Sure, I know some women, because of their woundedness and emotional immaturity, can be the ones who kill the relationship no matter how honorably a man tries to love and serve her. But, truth will out, my experience has been it's the man who refuses to grow up and take responsibility to lead spiritually, and pursue his wife's heart with courage and sacrificial love. He convinces his soul-weary wife he does not love her by his continual indifference to her feelings and needs, and willful self-absorption. She eventually becomes convinced because he taught her so for years.

Reason for hope comes from the fact a father has a great opportunity to open his son's heart to the other sex. When he is a little boy it comes in the form of loving his wife and showing her deep respect and honor in front of his son. Mommy is special to daddy. He is continually affectionate to her in front of his kids (not sexual mind you). He honors her and shows deference to her opinions and preferences. he is always helping do chores around the house and helping lessen her load in any way he can. It also comes from dad helping his son see his sisters as people to love, respect, and befriend. Yeah, sibling rivalry can be formidable between brothers and sisters, but dad models and teaches that a boy's sisters are family, family is precious, and learning to relate is important. Simple, he learns how to be with girls in a way that honors them as God's creation like he is.

Secondly, an emotionally mature father requires his sons to treat their mother with kindness, affection and respect, especially as the boys get older, particularly in the teen years. She is never the hired help or their peer who can be bossed, ignored or abused, including verbally. Dad is in complete unity with Mom in front of the kids, especially in matters related to them. That doesn't mean he never challenges her opinions or actions, but never in the way that teaches his children they can too. It's done offline and with kindness and respect as well.

Pursuing a woman's heart means treating her as a person, not an object or thing, merely a body to use. At the very least, she is made in the image of God, or if she follows Jesus, she is a beloved daughter of the Most High God, and is to be treated as such. Her sensibilities are not constitutionally masculine. She thinks differently, feels differently, and has a profound bent toward relationship (unless she has been traumatically abused physically, emotionally, spiritually or all three). God created her femininity to balance and complete her husband's masculinity and vice versa. Helping his son cherish and serve her opens him to treat his sisters and girlfriends similarly. This is important, especially when sexual desire becomes a part of the equation.

An emotionally mature man understands that through gentleness, kindness, servant-hearted strength, courage with humility, compassionate sacrificial love, and leading so his wife feels free (and safe) to become who she really is with him will open a her heart and keep it open for a lifetime. He doesn't have to be perfect at this, just determinedly attentive to it. He can "hold" her heart because he's convinced through attitude and correlating behavior her that he really loves who she is in toto, not merely what she provides for him. A boy who grows up in the company of such a man increases his prospects substantially for being an emotionally mature husband and father in relationship to women.

May God use what I've written to help men and the boys they father/disciple to grow into full and real masculinity: utterly surrendered to God and ably offering everyone by his life godly strength, love and service.

ab emo pectore
(from the heart)

Raising Boys Into Emotionally Mature Men, Part I.

On November 29, 2010 I wrote a post called When a Man Decides to Leave Emotional Boyhood Behind http://oldmenplantingchurches.blogspot.com/2010/11/when-man-decides-to-leave-emotional.html. In it I listed 9 characteristics of emotional boyhood and their equivalent contrasts of emotional manhood. Check it out to get background for what follows in this post regarding fathers helping sons become emotionally mature men.

Let me begin by reminding us that emotionally mature sons need the help and guidance of both fathers and mothers working together to help boys become authentic men. Each has a necessary role in raising them. The masculine and feminine influence shape boys differently, but each balances a boy's sense of himself in the company of both.

However, I am utterly convinced masculinity best internalizes masculinity. Masculine being is best transferred by masculine being, especially through willing identification and imitation. I know I'm getting heavy here, but its a heavy deal. God created masculine and feminine being. He also provided the means through which it could be healthily passed on from generation to generation.

Therefore, emotionally healthy men are the most fitting means by which the existential transaction takes place developmentally over time. Again, this is especially true, but not exclusively so, when it occurs in a loving family where dad and mom work in harmony to model what it means to be an authentic, person of character and integrity -- male or female.

For boys of Christian parents, becoming Christian men centers on gradually learning to live life as a follower of Jesus, at his disposal, and on his terms in every endeavor. Serving the Lord of lords becomes the greatest priority and highest End in life. Such allegiance flows from a radically transformed heart and focused will toward Kingdom mission and God's glory. Pursuits of wealth, power, influence and achievement are placed under obedience to Christ. Doing so with resolve is a far departure from pursuing the American Dream as one's Prime Directive.

To give you a sense of the essentials of a boy turning into an emotionally mature man, the following are helpful markers, I think. I realize, much I will say below holds to true for daughters in principle as well. I will write about that later. I also do not mean to disclude a boy's mother from also modeling, teaching and supporting the attitudes and values below. As I said, she also plays and has a uniquely vital role in growing him up into emotionally mature masculinity.

1. Helping a boy learn to love Jesus and value the spiritual side of life.

If you are a Jesus-follower you will naturally desire for your sons and daughters to become Jesus-followers. If you are wise, you won't try to force a relationship; you will help motivate and create it as a model, supporter and teacher. In other words, a father helps his son open and relate to Jesus, at first to know him as a Friend and Gentle Shepherd, then as he ages and matures, as a Savior, King and Lord.

The goal is intimacy with God, the heart after God's heart intimacy David had : "I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do."(Acts 13:22) They key to this level of surrendered heart is helping a boy know God's nature and will as revealed in the Scriptures. It is helping him know the "still, small voice" of the Spirit as the voice of One who loves him, by "dialoguing" with God in prayer and reflection. Thirdly, it's involving him in the life of the Church as the community of the Beloved, of which he is a part, gathered around God, loving one another and serving Christ's redemptive Kingdom mission in the world.

As a boy repeatedly sees his father reading Scripture, praying (alone and with mom) and sharing the work of the Church it normalizes for him. As dad talks freely about his relationship with God his son learns it is a normal part of life. Jesus can be talked to. Jesus can be listened to. Jesus protects him and loves him. He learns Jesus is never far even though he can't see him. The birth of Jesus is a good place to begin as well as passages showing him relating to children.

Depending on the cognitive and emotional maturity of the boy, somewhere around the 4th to 6th grades, he can begin to grasp that Jesus is the Savior of the world and King of kings. Concepts such as the cross and resurrection, the fact Jesus paid for our sin and was raised from the dead can be slowly introduce and talked about. There is no reason to hurry these truths, but they need to be developed for a boy to understand the Gospel core of the Christian worldview.

As a boy heads into the emotional maze and minefield of the teen years, he should explore the idea of Jesus as Lord. This is his invitation to "big-league" Christianity. The Lordship of Christ summons all his followers to radical obedience for a lifetime. It is the more challenging or demanding part of the Gospel message, but one which expresses its core. To have a heart after God's from his perspective means, "he will do everything I want him to do." This principle is essential to masculine emotional maturity of the highest order. Loving Jesus is ultimately obeying what he commands. True intimacy with him is surrender and following hard after him in all things.

A Dad who lives with God like this will "warm" his son(s) to living this way as well. The Christian spiritual life is radically following Jesus because of love for him. Knowing him at the deepest levels of the heart translates to being where he is as he redeems the world one day at a time. When his father relates to Jesus this way and is open about it it can become real and enticing for his son, especially if dad is inviting him into missional projects and tasks of serving.

2. Developing a boy's understanding of the power God has granted him to live his life.

In my work as a lay counselor, I've become aware of the critical need to help boys grow into an emotionally healthy understanding of the power God has given him to make a worthy way in the world. For a boy to come into his own, he needs to see he can pursue what matters to him, even if he fails at times. A boy has to acquire the confidence to step out and act in the face of challenge and difficulty knowing God has called him into being at a particular point in history to do something only he can. The gift of life and the power to live it confirms his right to be. This too is following Jesus.

Through trial and error salted with a father's gracious encouragement, supportive correction and generous love, a boy steadily comes to trust his potential and inherent giftedness. He learns to rely on the instincts God has put in him to accomplish things because he has come to know and trust him, his Savior and Lord. Conversely, he doesn't learn to shrink back into an unhealthy dependence on others who seem more strong or capable, thus surrendering to a life of impotence no matter how he might posture in front of others. Such boys, and later men, hesitate and hold back, afraid to try something new in front of others. Fear of failure and a growing shame cripple ability to recognize the power God has put in them, and they gradually submit to a half life of mediocrity, or worse, manipulating others.

A healthy understanding of the power God has put in him, and it submitted to a far-greater Power, namely Christ, centers him in life to the full as Jesus desires it. A young man's dreams allied with God's will can change the world, and has many times over.

3. Enticing boy's courage so he develops the habit of taking initiative.


Closely related to number 2 is the critical need to gradually entice a boy's courage. Courage is a key component of authentic masculinity, an essential ingredient to defining a man's ability to face and move through fears of all sorts. Fear can can hamstring a man and chronic fear will slowly crush his spirit, trapping him in a life of boyish posturing and impotent cowardice. A man without courage is like a badly-tuned engine; it can never perform to the level it was designed. Courage makes a way where it seems there is no way. Courage says "Yes" in the face of many "No's." Courage asks, "Well, why not?" or "Who says it can't be done?" Courage creates movement where stultifying inertia has ruled the day.

Over the years, I've recognized through counseling hundreds of men that unless they grow up in a supportive environment where they can develop the habit (way of life, really) of taking initiative to tackle a challenge or solve a problem, they will learn to hesitate, shrink from, or even worse, chronically procrastinate. The sad fact is they weren't trained to negotiate a daunting dilemma or tough task requiring resilience, ingenuity, and determination. A man who's been well-trained in boyhood to face challenges and obstacles may have no idea how to deal with the situation at first, but he'll roll up his sleeves and find out: ask questions, look at options, think it through and then take take action. He goes into the chaos or fog even if he isn't dead sure of the way forward. There will be a kind of, "Let's see if this works," sensibility to how he tries to achieve a solution. In so doing, he reveals an emotional maturity which subordinates fear to taking initiative.

To raise a boy into such a "can-do" way of life he needs to have many chances to try all sorts of things, to test his intelligence, and strength. Clearly, such testing will look different for a 2-year-old than an 8 year-old, or a 13 year old, but the principle of trying holds true for each. So Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Mike, and older brother, Louis, all need to walk along side him frequently: supporting, encouraging, helping and inspiring him to try new things and see what opens. The men in his life also need to help him see failure and frustration as opportunities for learning and persevering or altering his course for a better result. Over time, this essential feature of emotional maturity will take root: failure is not seen as a sign of existential bankruptcy and shame does not begin to distort his self-awareness into ingrained boyishness when it comes to living the way of courage and initiative-taking.

In the end, helping him discover and live this quality of masculine emotional maturity will grant him the ability to act even if he doesn't know the way or is confident he will succeed. A life well-lived requires such an attitude.

4. Being able to test reality in the face of strong feelings.

Wisdom necessitates seeing things as they really are not as they appear or feel. Wisdom is a fount of life and freedom. Foolishness is a wide portal to chaos and bondage.

Emotional maturity requires the weathered ability to reality test because all that glitters is not gold, and unexamined impulse can quickly lead to disaster. So it asks questions such as:

• What's really going on here?
• If I do this what are the consequences?
• Are my feelings telling me the truth?
• Am I getting an accurate read on the situation or seeing what I want to see?
• Should I take more to get the facts before I commit?
• Am I being deceived?
• Will good or evil come from my actions?
• What is this going to cost me in the end?
 

The Scriptures are filled with warnings about not testing reality from God's perspective especially when it comes to trusting how a man feels as the most reliable measure of his response to all sorts of enticements. So helping a boy balance his feelings with an ability to see what's actually true based on time-tested standards of truth becomes an exercise in grounding him in what is, not what seems to be or what he wants it to be because his feelings want what they want. Many a man has shipwrecked his life because his feelings and impulses deceived him.

Perhaps the surest way to help a boy develop this tool of emotional maturity is to talk about what he is feeling in light of what actually happened or what the situation needed in reality. Sometimes it will mean comforting him or soothing his wounded ego. Always it will mean using the issue as a teaching opportunity to point him toward truth and reality, not merely desire and impulse. When done so in an atmosphere of compassion and masculine love, it opens the way to recognizing the difference between feeling something is true because he desires it to be so, and actually knowing it is objectively true.

Emotional maturity in this regard will help him navigate the avalanche of enticements hurtling toward him from every direction promising happiness, pleasure, power, and freedom if he acts and acts quickly. Having such navigational skill in our culture of endless entitlement will bode him well  for a lifetime.