Not Waiting For Godot, But Waiting Nonetheless.

 Transitions can be short; they can be long, but all transitions involve some period of waiting for the
unfolding of what can, might or will be. Everyone experiences this, and many times in a lifetime:

• Waiting to be accepted to a college you've chosen.
• Waiting for that job offer you really, really want, or waiting for your period of unemployment to be over.
• Waiting for Christmas morning to finally come.
• Waiting for the medical test results and a call from your doctor.
• Waiting for healing.
• Waiting for your house to be sold or your new mortgage to be approved.
• Waiting for Mister or Miss Wonderful to share your life journey.
• Waiting for your prayers to be answered.
• Waiting for the pain to ease.
• Wait for things to change for the better. 

Waiting which stretches on is rarely easy for most of us; sometimes it's exciting; sometimes it's frustrating; sometimes its down-right excruciating. Prolonged waiting is not for the faint of heart or happily acclimated to the hurry and buzz. Waiting tests. Waiting exposes. Waiting humbles. Waiting prunes and cures (as in preserves).

*****

For this post, I borrowed the first half of my title from Samuel Beckett's absurdist play Waiting For Godot where the two main characters, Estragon and Vladimir wait on and on for someone named Godot who never shows up and they stay frozen in that waiting, an endless cycle of futility. I picked the title to state up front that, while I am waiting and have been for a number of months, mine is not a futile wait. I'm always waiting for God to do what He desires in and through my life (including my dreams and desires) and for various lengths off time. Some longings I've waited on for years with no end in sight. Even despite that,  I've become convinced with age and experience, being in God's will is the truest, realest life. Waiting for the revelation of His will is always a proper wait for every follower of Jesus.

It's LIFE within life. LIFE before and after life. LIFE animating all of life.

So what what am I waiting for? Well, as I mentioned in my previous post, we're finding a new rhythm and settling into a new groove which began with relocating to a new place to live 35 minutes northeast of Northampton. But the move hasn't finish the waiting. There've been new developments just since I wrote my last post. With them are unknowns needing to be clarified. For instance, we still don't know the full-shape of what our work-life is going to look like or where it will settle. There are opportunities not yet in place. Imagine/Northampton is heading is also into change which will became clear yesterday. That change effects us as well. We're waiting to see the full picture. There are questions still needing answers and until they do, we wait.

For the last 6 years, we've been on a particular trajectory. It looked clear even though it took time to coalesce. All that began to unravel for us this summer. After reflecting on the higgledy-piggledy, we experienced, I attribute the shift to the unseen hand of God creating change sovereignly. He's changed where we're living from Northampton to Shutesbury. There will be other changes as well. We're waiting to walk into them.

I am fully aware when the waiting has big, even life-altering implications, anxiety and confusion become unwanted intruders whispering a slew of "what-ifs." Depending on what's at stake, they can bring a fair amount of dis-ease, even downright terror. The waiting we're experiencing now has some relief from our dis-ease in the midst of the unknown. 2014 has been a tough row to hoe amidst all 6 challenging years. Our current waiting feels a beginning of the next chapter. We hope what we're waiting for will bring stability, a shape and rhythm which fits where are on our journey together. We want to finish well according to God's standards.

What unfolds for us and imagine is in His good, strong, and wise hands. Godot doesn't need to show-up. God will. Our waiting is not in vain at all.

Stay tuned.

When The Knock Out Punch Seems Delivered, The Cross and Resurrection of Christ Prevail.

Yesterday I had the privilege of bringing the message to a community of Christ-followers a few miles north of us. We've come know some of the people there and were looking forward to seeing a couple we'd gotten to know pretty well who'd recently been through a devastating attack to their homestead and farm. God gave me a message I knew would be a comfort to them and anyone else going through the unthinkable. I wanted to refresh and encourage them that El Roi, (the God Who Sees Me) in Genesis 16:13, was going to walk with them through this.

Early last Wednesday Bob and Lisa were awakened in the middle of the night by a loud bang and a vehicle leaving quickly. Something wasn't right. Upon going outside to see what was happening they were assaulted by the terrible sight of one of their two barns being engulfed in flames. The fire was roaring leaving no chance to extinguish it. Soon, the second barn would be destroyed too.Worse still, it had been deliberately set by the hand of a family member.

Added to their horror, was the reality that in one barn they'd housed all the tools Bob collected over the years and used in his business. In the other barn was furniture, personal records, and family stuff they were storing until a new home was built beginning in a few weeks. They'd been temporarily residing in a modular home across the street. In other words, they lost almost everything in a few minutes. You can imagine what it must to have been like to stand there knowing what was happening. And their realization that one of their own kin did this deliberate act of violence and contempt, could have been a knock-out punch.

But it wasn't. These folks are resilient, hardworking, do-what-it-takes-to-get-it-done people. They shed tears and felt the shock of what was happening for sure, but the very next day, they took one of the most beautiful actions I've ever heard of.

They decided the evil one would not succeed in trying to destroy them. Bob told me, as his barns were burning down, he said directly to the devil he could go ahead and take all his tools and furniture, but God would restore it seven to ten-fold. In other words, "you will not destroy us because we belong to Christ!"
Then the very next day, he and Lisa found two very large pieces of wood, and decided they'd put together a cross. They thought the best place to put it would be right in the middle of the scorched earth where the barns had been.

So they dug a hole, built the cross together --which turned out to be 16 feet tall and very heavy -- and drug it slowly across the road where it stands today as a testimony to the reality of Christ in the midst of devastating attack.

The Cross and Resurrection of Christ Prevail!

They said yesterday because the barns were built in the 19th century, and had been told of the very real possibility of being placed on the National Historic Register, they would do everything they could to rebuild them just as they were.

The Cross and Resurrection of Christ Prevail!

They also testified to the goodness of God in that the fire came right up to where their berry bushes were, and damaged none of them.These folks are gradually building a farming business too. They would've had to start from scratch and miss out on needed income from this growing season. Bob also told me he had more work for his business to do than he could handle and had to add new employees last week. He also said friends in the business offered him the use of their tools as well.

The Cross and Resurrection of Christ Prevail!

Because these people are followers of Jesus and know forgiveness is the life they are called to, they  must come to grips with forgiving this person in their family. Both of them acknowledged it will take awhile, but they want to do what Jesus has called them to as forgiven people.

 The Cross and Resurrection of Christ Prevail!

I have to say my own load was lightened yesterday by their courage in the midst of sorrow, pain, and loss. I could see through their example a way I should view the trials and challenges we are currently facing. While our trying circumstances are different, we have felt in the last 6 weeks as if Satan's was attempting a knock-out punch for the McDermott's. But Jesus showed me through the words of these two not-gonna-quit followers of his that because the cross and resurrection of Christ prevails, I must do the same in attitude and action as them. The fight goes on and my Lord has overcome the world, including my world.

Talking to them was an unexpected gift. Their spirit and grit left me feeling hopeful, even refreshed a little. I told them we'd love to help in the clean-up or anything else they need. I hope they let us. For now, their church has gathered around them, and will fight side by side through love, giving and service until God is glorified. They will show forth generosity in all manner of ways, and I suspect Christ will marshal His followers who hear the story of the cross planted where two barns burned to the ground

The Cross and Resurrection of Christ Prevail!

Frosty the Ice Man of Faith.

I was out for a walk early mid-morning today. I had to run some errands related to the snowstorm. As is the case most mornings some of the guys who stand on Main Street hoping to get a few bucks for a cup of coffee and bagel, or secure enough to buy food for the day were out and "at work." I chatted with one; gave him a couple of dollars, and asked how much he needed for the day, and told him I'd ask the Lord to supply over his request. At first he looked confused, but then smiled with an "I didn't expect that!" smile.

I've asked today more than once on his behalf.

A half a block up standing under the Thornes' green awning was a man I met literally the second or third day I started living on Main Street. He's been on Main Street since we moved in, but he lives on the street, mostly out in the elements 24/7, 365 days of the year. He's a hardy soul with true grit and a stubborn will. I asked where he'd slept last night and he told his "usual place," (I know where it is), adding, "When I got up this morning I was Frosty the Ice Man, and it shattered off me like glass." He laughed. I was out in the storm yesterday; it was not pleasant with the low temps and the wind.

This guy is tough and ornery. He mentioned the other guys on the street have learned to stay out of his way when he's cold and wet. He hates being wet while cold. I responded, "You've trained them well." He nodded. I asked him how he was doing. He answered: "God provides, as He always does." This man talks alot about God and faith and trust. I see him often with his head buried in the Scriptures and he attends a church once a week. He said he's learned to trust Him for all his needs. God supplies. By the way, he's never asked for money from me. And he doesn't do drugs.

I asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel with finding a place to live. He said: "God has not given me that yet. So I'll trust Him." He's told me before why he's had to be on the street for a long time. He says it was a gross injustice. Maybe so. I don't know one way of the other. I won't pry.

I told him things have been especially tough for us lately, and gave him the details. He was genuinely surprised. I think he thought we were well off or something. He reiterated with some vehemence that the key was to trust God no matter what - no matter what you lose, or go through, or have to endure.

It was the Holy Spirit. I would realize that later in the day..

I like this man a lot. He's real and feisty and fierce for God. He's one of those guys that do the tough things in life and don't quit. He's taught me survival is possible in the meanest of conditions; he shows up everyday and looks for God.

I know some of us will ask, "Why doesn't he just go get a job?" "Why doesn't he take initiative and get on with building a life?" But we don't have any idea what's so impenetrably in the way even if it's just in his head. Since we've been here he's tried to get work and it has gone nowhere; not unusual for folks living on the street. He seems a man convicted God will supply his need and God alone. I respect his resolve. I've tried to challenge it over the years with my best reasoning and he sticks to his guns. He'll have none of it.

So, I pray while he and we are still in Northampton, God would meet him where he is, and reward the stubborn faith of this trusting man who's put his full weight on the belief God will answer and supply.

Faith Married to Will Stubbornly Says "Yes" in a World Crammed Full of "No"

 I've been thinking about faith often these days. Life leaves me doing so.

Some of it has to do with the unrelenting pressures and stresses we always face here. Some of it comes from noticing how I respond when I'm put to the test as to whether I will trust and believe we matter to God no matter the circumstances, gains or losses.

Here's some realities I've come to understand almost 5 years into this imagine/Northampton adventure:

1. Faith without a steely will to faith is a vapid and limp impostor.  Having faith as a religious gesture or duty has no more import than dressing up for church. The will to faith begins the knowing what faith actually is, how it works and what it does in the real world. A sanctified will extends the reach of faith.

2. Faith must be stretched to the breaking point before we really understand its power. To hang in believing anyway reveals the role of the will in choosing despite being at the precipice one step from falling. Willing to faith reveals it's potential for tenacity and courage. Both are very near to the heart of faith's essence.

3. Choosing to believe when the desert stretches as far as the eye can see, or when when a terrifying disaster looms, or when the storm won't abate, initiates all who get there into a freedom only gained by extreme testing. Without it, we can let our faith cool unawares, and assume things are fine and will remain as such. 

4. The will to faith unleashes a drive to pray with persisting fervor, and teaches the prayer how to pray from the deep heart. It's called supplication and it gets down to the bone. So much prayer can fall into routine and perfunctory listing things for God until something really needs to happen. Because there is pain or much riding on God's response, we choose to hold onto to him until he sends help or gives a definitive "Not this time." The will is locked like a laser and faith holds the line in step.

5. Faith aligned with a will committed to believing God is really God comes to know him who is worthy of seeking wholeheartedly even when life calms down or smooths out. I suspect what results from the will freely, intentionally allying with faith leads to a person taking on the active identity of a follower of Christ, a disciple on the Kingdom mission assigned to him or her. Volition and belief stir the heart to step it up in picking up our cross, dying to self and going into the mess with our Lord and King. The intensity of faith and will focused opens a door.

6. An engaged will turned toward Christ animates faith beyond being a spiritual position of a person being saved. Yes, we are saved through faith by grace, but that's just the first act of a life turning toward the things of God and away from the things of the passing-away world. It's admission into the fray. By faith, the will begins to see the truth and has a choice to follow or stand in place hoping for blessings, but light difficulties. When the will turns toward Christ and does not look back faith becomes a shield and a weapon. The person is activated to make a real difference with the whole of his or her life, not be a spiritual consumer and feckless spectator. The Kingdom has come and it beckons now.

7. Intimacy with Christ becomes an increasing possibility because faith perceives him ever clearer as it seeks to know his heart and take on his ways. Intimacy with Christ becomes a passion when the will desires to go far into life with him and what he is doing today. Faith apprehends his beauty; the will chooses to align with the example of his servant nature. Faith apprehends and trusts his goodness; the will responds by choosing to believe and act from that trust even if the way forward appears obscured. Faith apprehends Christ is God; the will assents and seeks to make it known in a world gone blind and deaf. 

The truth is: ...faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (He.11:1) And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. (He.11:6) Faith married to will moves mountains, pushes back the darkness, and stubbornly says yes in a world full of no.


 

A Prayer to Revive A Faith Gone Lukewarm.

Sunday, at imagine/Northampton, I gave the second talk in my series Saboteurs of the Heart - 7 Questions: How does Lukewarm Faith Sabotage the Heart From living/ALIVE to God? At the end of the talk, I led us in this short group prayer below. May it be of use to you as you prepare your heart for the joy of Easter:

Father of Wonders beyond my imagining,

I know there have been too many times when I wander through my day as if you are there, but more as a silent companion than an object of my deepest desire.

There are other times because of sin, or distraction, or love of other things, my faith cools, almost as if it’s become a distant memory.

It seems easy for me to live with my faith as if it were a passport rather than a constant love song.

I don’t want it to be that way, but I don’t know how to re-light the fire I once had, or kindle a fire I’ve never had

* * * *

LORD OF CREATION . . .  create a living newness in my faith, even this day.

LORD OF THE EXODUS  . . .  deliver me from everywhere my heart is held captive from you.

LORD OF THE CROSS AND SUFFERING  . . .  heal all my blindness and lukewarm unbelief.

LORD OF THE RESURRECTION . . . awaken my heart that I might live/ALIVE unto you.

LORD OF PENTECOST . . . grant me all I need to do freely all you ask of me as if it were a joy.

ABBA, FATHER . . . enflame my heart so my life of faith might reflect your beauty, goodness and truth to those sleepwalking unaware.

For Christ's glory and my liberty.

Amen.

Our FEAST Faith-Journey.

In 5 days we will host FEAST, http://imaginefeast.wordpress.com/, the largest planned event we've undertaken since we launched imagine/Northampton almost 3 years ago. Last year's Halloween event will be larger (350 people), but that large turnout wasn't planned. Remember, we're tiny in number, but we're learning to trust this God "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is (already) at work within us." (Eph. 3:20) I also think God has given imagineers big hearts, and a willingness to take risk for the Kingdom beyond where we're comfortable.

Or we're just crazy . . . (the good kind that changes lives).

One of the remarkable aspects of the FEAST journey has been how God has completely engineered the process such that faith must be our anchor. For instance, we have no real idea who or how many are coming. I know that sounds daft, but because most of the population of folks we want to bless are out of our range of direct influence, we've had to rely primarily on Northampton Social Service agencies such as The Northampton Survival Center, and the Interfaith Shelter to pass out the invitations we made. We've talked to folks on the street and a few others engaged in feeding the homeless and poor, but there are no hard numbers to rely on. We're planning for 175 to 200. We might get 20 or 300; it depends on who you talk to. So, it's up to God.  

Then, there's the small matter of money. In house, we don't have anywhere near the resources to fund this ourselves. We determined $4000 was needed to offer a special meal, one Jesus's guests would remember with warm smiles. We've never asked for or raised that much for a single event. Reality was: no money, no FEAST. Would God do it? The answer's been YES! With pledges and what has been already given, we're very near our goal. 30 generous people have chipped in. Faith strengthens and deepens when you're beyond your ability and God has a clear field to operate.

The next question was: how are we going to get everything done to prepare, and then serve that many folks on Easter? As I mentioned, we really are tiny in number. We got out the word, and Jesus-followers from THE BARN in Simsbury, College Church and Smith College in Northampton, Mercy House in Amherst, St. David's Episcopal Church in Agawam, and Southwick Community Episcopal Church in Southwick climbed aboard to help. Our daughters, Eslie and Alyn are helping.  A gifted, young artist named Kait created advertising materials and invitations. People are donating food. College Church is letting us use their kitchens to cook. The BARN is letting us use some of their kitchen stuff, such as warming trays. We have wonderful musicians donating their time: Jen and Kris Allen, Deb Davis and Michael Kelly Blanchard. The Northampton Center for the Arts is letting us get in the day before to set up tables.

Tricia is leading the charge. The regulars in our church are taking responsibility, and some are tackling the early preparations and logistics. Everyone will be there for the event.

What I've observed because of the FEAST faith-journey:

1. Risk-taking for the Kingdom mission is the normal Christian life. Anything less seems missing the point.
2. Fear is a formidable foe, always asking: "What makes you think you can do this? How do you know God called you to do it, anyway? You actually think anyone's going to show up?"
3. Unbelief salted with a little Satan sewage says things like: "There's no point trying this. You guys are losers. You'll never raise the money. Nobody cares. This is way more than you can handle. Relax. Give it up."
4. Taking a risk for the Kingdom increases demonic obstruction, resistance and oppression beyond the norm. It's ramped up for many of us as we're putting FEAST together.
5. Believing for more and taking action as a result reveals God's supreme ability to show forth his faithfulness and incomparable power.
6. Risking in faith turns a safe, lackluster Christian sleepwalk into a vigorous, life-to-the-full adventure of meaning and wonder.
7. "Why not?" and "Who says we can't?" is the vernacular of following Jesus.

More about this next week.

It Might Have Been Otherwise. A Poem About Forgotten Grace.

I got out of bed

on two strong legs.

It might have been 

otherwise. I ate

cereal, sweet

milk, ripe, flawless

peach. It might

have been otherwise.

I took the dog uphill

to the birch wood.

All morning I did

the work I love.

At noon I lay down

with my mate. It might

have been otherwise.

We ate dinner together

at a table with silver

candlesticks. It might

have been otherwise.

I slept in a bed

in a room with paintings

on the walls, and

planned another day

just like this day.

But one day, I know,

it will be otherwise.

Jane Kenyon from Receiving the Day, Dorothy C. Bass

Recently, I've been reading of  Bass's Receiving the Day as part of my early morning. It's the kind of spiritual reading I've done ever since getting involved in helping people live intimacy with Christ. I find this genre of writing settling and freeing because it so counteracts the jangling, fractured  life so many of us have resigned ourselves to in our "I'm late. I'm late for a very important date! Hello, goodbye. Hello, goodbye. I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" world. 

Bass's lovely book called me to back to a more humane and humble way of living my church planting existence, reminding me of gentle rhythms we lived at the retreat center in Simsbury. Those days had their share of frenetic trying to keep up, but the atmosphere of listening/noticing a house of prayer teaches always called us back to preserving a quiet heart before God. It was part of the contemplative landscape as so many of our guests attested to. The noise of life had to submit to the silence of gazing at God with a smile and a tear.

 Kenyon's poem struck a chord in that I am so easily lured into forgetting the astounding grace of simple gifts and God's constant love gestures filling an ordinary (or even an extraordinary) day. Living in a bustling city doesn't help:

Being able to shower with hot water.

Having someplace to put my clothes.

Being able to walk and see. 

having money in my pocket to give away.

Having a lovely wife who gives her life to me every day.

Hot coffee.

Being able to work.

Having someplace to go.

Garbage bags, toilet paper, clean water, a couch to sit on, shoes, being able to drum, being able to think straight, books, color and sunlight, a glass to drink from, freedom to choose, someone else knows my name, etc. etc. etc.

The deal is, you and I both know "it might have been otherwise," for each of us. The disheveled people endlessly pushing shopping carts on the streets of Northampton remind me all the time.

More importantly, someday I know, it will be otherwise. This earthly plane will no longer be my abode or that of everyone I love. Perhaps today death or unexpected chaos will break down my door and change everything. It does in every person's life from time to time. So Kenyon and Bass remind me to not be foolish about the exquisite grace of what my friend recently called "the splendid ordinary." I need to recapture the blessing of paying attention to the subtle presence of ordinary grace through which God unendingly gifts my day with love and care. In so doing, I free myself to gratitude, giving back and creativity. I notice and am lightened by His thoughtfulness. His mind-boggling attention to the tiniest of details adorning and sustaining life, mine and yours, will undo us if we let them . . . if we open to and receive them.

Pay attention today to grace and peace and solidity and love and people and place. 

All of it truly "might have been otherwise."

Someday, it surely will be otherwise. But not at this moment.

So with this moment, open your arms wide to Jesus and receive the day, no matter what time it is. Then bend your neck to thankfulness as your offering of love and humility. 

While you're at it, decide to make this simple receiving and offering A WAY OF LIFE.

(it can be, you know)

   

When You Can't Pay the Rent.

 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

          James 1:12



I have to say I've wrestled for a number of weeks over writing about this. I don't want to sound smarmy or whiny. I am not writing a "please feel sorry for us" post. I would be horrified if people felt that way. Nor am I writing in some underhanded, manipulative manner to get people to give us money out of sympathy. I abhor such writing. I know I am taking the risk of sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm not . . . really. I am angry and resolved to hang in as long as I can. I've dug in to the idea that "God will make a way where these appears to be no way."

In reality, when I decided to write this blog a couple of years back, it was for the sole purpose of exploring and documenting what it's like for me, at my age, to be planting a church, no holds barred. I'd never planted a church before, so I wanted to think and report about the experience. Seemed like a good thing to do.

Therefore, it will mean sometimes writing about uncomfortable, even embarrassing things. I see little point in candy-coating the reality of what we're experiencing in the imagine mission, even if I'm the problem. While I hope I do it always in humility and with sensible good taste, telling the truth has to be paramount or I'm merely blowing smoke, as they say.

Because I'm going to write about what many people are going through in these trying, uncertain times, I hope it will encourage them in what can feel terrifying and crushing to their spirits. Hope flows from sharing familiar suffering.

I must say too: Tricia and I have never experienced the extreme financial pressures we've faced since being here in the Pioneer Valley. In over our 37 years of married and family life we've had our share of lean times, but never to this severity. For example: the last three months we have been late on our rent, last month by three and a half weeks. We are having to pick and choose which bills to pay every month. The experience is new to us and very stressful. We've always taken the responsibility of paying our bills seriously.

I'm also writing in the context of someone whose faith is strengthening concerning the goodwill of my Father toward us in this tough place. The end of our struggle appears not in sight. Stress over this is never far away. In reality, while our struggle may get worse, I'm learning to hold fast to the truth that God is our Help and Provider no matter. He loves us with a deep affection, knows our need, and can lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. But even if we lose everything, (I realize it would be a heart-breaking horror), even our lives (Jesus-followers can, you know), I will trust his will for us. There is no merit in me for doing so; God has given me grace to experience it.


So here are my observations borne from the pain we are experiencing:

FEAR

As you begin to experience falling behind in your financial obligations, anxiety steals into your thoughts. The peace that accompanies being able to consistently pay your bills erodes gradually. You wonder if this is the way it's going to be. You begin to think about being evicted, having your car repossessed, defaulting on loans, and losing your health insurance. The unthinkable becomes a possibility. Sometimes you awaken at night with stabs of terror, like "This is really happening! What are we going to do?" The fears subsides if the rent or an overdue bill gets paid, but it has taken up residence in a way new to your experience. The only way to kill it is to get back on track financially.

I have felt the stabs of terror in the night, and very real anxiety as each day adds to our lateness. It persists, as does faith. I do not let anxiety get a foothold however. I will not. I hate anxiety because I have seen what it does to people, even people I love. It's a cruel taskmaster, and I will not let it rule over me. Only Christ has that place in my life.

CONFUSION:

In the midst of things going awry, you wonder how you got here. It's confusing. You ask questions like: has God abandoned us? Did we do something to offend him, so he is punishing us? Did we hear him wrong about coming up to Northampton in the first place? Is this problem just a part of planting a church in a tough place? Things just don't seem to add up. It's not like you've been sitting around drinking beer and watching TV for months. It's not like you don't want to work or haven't been working. It's just that what you're used to, i.e., paying your bills has changed because there is not enough money and some of the mainstays of your ministry have dried up. The question is: Why?

I have wrestled with this confusion, asking all the questions I listed above and then some. Nothings making  sense. We know we were called here. Many others have confirmed it since we arrived. I don't let myself wander too long in what seems like imponderables these days. I try to do what the day gives and hope for relief and I try to follow Jesus. My prayer is that of Augustine: "Ask what you will and give what you command." If I need to substantially change what I am doing, I will, as long as I know God is requiring it of me, and gives me the grace/ability to do it.

GUILT/SELF-CONDEMNATION:

As a man, although not exclusive to men in this harrowing predicament, you feel enormous guilt and self-condemnation because you're causing suffering for those you love and are responsible for. In my case, it is Tricia, my family and the church. It feels largely my fault for getting us into this terrible shape. What kind of man am I to allow what is happening?  Not fulfilling your obligations cuts deep into a man's sense of integrity and authenticity. It is our job to provide what is needed. Anything less is abject failure. In our minds there is no excuse for this. We've been tested and are found wanting. We don't have what it takes. I don't have what it takes . . . apparently.

I feel very guilty about not making enough money, but I resist submitting to self-condemnation. I know the harm it causes. My guilt is that of most men in my predicament: "I got us here and I could be doing more to get us out." Sometimes that's true, but for the most part, it's not. I do need to make more money and will work long days to do so.

SHAME:

Shame is the evil twin of guilt/self-condemnation. Shame says. "you are a joke." Shame says there is something fundamentally wrong with who you are, and you're not fit to be here. Shames makes a person feel small, useless, inadequate at the core, and worthy of the garbage heap. It stings cruelly as one of the most spiritually devastating responses to life experience one can have. It crushes a person's spirit, sometimes terminally. For a man, shame convinces him he is an impotent boy and he disappears. Shame causes a man or woman to hide because if anyone knew how worthless they are, the rejection would be harsh and instantaneous.  It creates ghost-people.

I do feel shame sometimes around folks who have the blessing of meeting their obligations. There is a kind of "if they only knew how hard we're struggling and I can 't seem to turn it around" feeling pervading my experience around them. I'm don't feel one of them and I feel small and impotent sometimes. I don't like that feeling, but it's hard to fight when you're not making financial headway.

DISCOURAGEMENT:

When you can't pay the rent and everything else for a period of time, people can become habitually discouraged and give up trying. They lose faith believing there is nothing they (or God will) can do to change their lot. They medicate and exist. I see folks like this all the time on the streets of Northampton, and they are everywhere in this world. All people need to feel they have the ability to meet their basic needs and those of their families. When that is frustrated repeatedly or stolen they fall into despair, a much more dangerous state of being. When that happens the game is over and only God can restore them.

I have been working hard not to let that happen because the results are too horrifying to even think about. I know what it means to be depressed - another form of despair - and I will not return. I've been discouraged by this, but I am comforted by the fact that God calls me to be faithful each day and the results are his. I have nothing I have not been given. Hope lingers in this notion of just working to be faithful. 

HAVING TO THINK DIFFERENTLY:

This frightening financial battle causes me to think differently about my relationship with God and how I need to persevere . . . a good thing. I'm forced to look for different ways of making a living including going back to things I did before we moved up here such as doing Playmaker Profiles and Listening in Christ retreats, speaking in churches, and playing music. I may find a part-time job, or I may switch careers if disaster happens and we have to leave here.

With God, I'm having to trust him for longer periods of time without seeing an answer to our financial state. God has always met our needs, but he's never taken us past deadlines where we are late with payments on more than one front. When we were younger, my work dried up for a period as I was in a major transition I wasn't aware I was in. Perhaps such is happening again. Whatever God is up to, we're being summoned to believe in his good care for us way beyond any other time in our lives, especially for such a long duration. I can't say I'm enjoying the ride, however, the pain is real and I seem caught in forces bigger than me.

The good in all of this is we've put it all on the line for the redemptive Kingdom mission of Christ. It feels we are trying to walk the walk in a way for more substantial than ever. Will God lead us to relief or the "hard way" of losing everything? We don't know, but we're in this struggle. It's all on the line. I hold fast to God's faithfulness even if his mercy turns out to be severe. Many Jesus-followers over the centuries lost everything for his sake. If that is to be our lot, I hope it has been for his sake and not because of human failure.

We will see.

I'm still betting the ranch on the goodness of my Abba and my Lord. He will be with us no matter what happens. When it's all said and done, may we be found faithful in trusting and serving him regardless of the difficulty of our circumstances, self-imposed or sent from above.

Holding It All Loosely

Psalm 127:1 says plainly: "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.

In these first weeks and months of launching imagine/northampton, I am learning to hold loosely the great dream and persistent desire that lives within me to make this launch happen.

I would hope that those of you reading my blog get a sense of how much passion I have for this work. It is no light matter to me. I am in "lock, stock and barrel" because I am convinced that the Church is the hope of the world. The people of Northampton who are far from Jesus are worth every ounce of effort I can spend to open them to him. Imagine/northampton is our way of doing so.

People who know me well know I am a man of passion, in general. My heart is fired by what I value. I hate lukewarm and passive. Willful indifference angers me. However, the downside is I can let my desire to see something happen get the best of me. The result is eventual frustration that, if not corralled, can sink me into a malaise, or worse, depression. I can't afford for that to happen.

So, I am learning to hold all of what needs to occur quite loosely. It plays out as a "long obedience in the same direction" these days. I keep my eyes on the horizon in the direction I am trying to head--one foot in front of the other; one day at a time. Some days feel like good progress is being made. Some days feel like "the faster I go, the behinder I get." A few feel like I settled into the groove and kept in step with the Spirit: a door was opened, someone showed up who moved it all forward a bit, things went as they felt they should and tangible progress was made. I like those days, and I know it was God who made them be.

Lately, I am finding this holding it all loosely business and letting God actually build this house occurs in three ways for me:

1. As you would expect, launching a church requires the gifts and efforts of all sorts of people besides the Leadership Team, no matter how skillful it might be. Often they "show up" unexpectedly through a series of connections outside of our awareness: someone talks to someone and gets in touch. We are experiencing that with very gifted and accomplished people. So I get really excited, but if I am not careful, my design of making an impact that moves people beyond where they are kicks in with a vengence, and I try to maneuver them into position before God has given the command in accord with his exquisite timing. Because my desire for them to come on board can overtake me, and if they don't, frustration and disappointment will settle in, I am learning to be supportive and enthusiastic, while surrendering to God's moving things along as suits him. It's a nice freedom to live in I'm finding.

2. The same holds true for all the critical pieces of the logistical puzzle that needs to be put in place. Currently, we need a suitable venue to hold our first worship on Easter weekend. Where will that be? We need to form a worship team. Who will be on it? We need technical equipment. Where will that come from? We need all sorts of money to make this happen. When will it arrive? That's just for one worship gathering. There are a gazillion other issues to settle in the weeks and months ahead. Nevertheless, I am learning to let God build when the need must be met. I am amazed to see how God makes this happen without us. He brings it into being. Holding important logistical matters loosely lowers the stress of having to make it happen and opens the door to God's unparalleled ability to do only what he can. While we need to work and work hard, we can let it go too.

3. Lastly, I have found that creating concepts, events and structures teach the same lesson of the need to hold it all loosely. Because we have started on the groundfloor level, much of our initial efforts focused on issues like: What is the name of the church? What will we name our roles in the church, like I am a Spiritual Formation Catalyst? What will we name of events, like 6 Evenings of Conversation? How can we creatively avoid using Christianese and church jargon while retaining meaning, and not just be clever or cute with our terms? Even in this naming process we have watched God lead us to fresh ways of terming things.

One lovely result of this freedom is God increasingly becomes the focus of our awe and wonder as he does what is only his: to build his house. I find pleasure in watching him do this. It refreshes and delights me. Time in the trenches becomes enlivened as we are lifted to see his creative hand shaping it all into being.

I realize for us, "discovering the God who is far more than we imagine," is manifest these days more and more in seeing him conceive, birth, and grow imagine in our midst. He uses us for sure, but no one on the team mistakes our parts for his. I'm glad for that.

I know I need to keep learning this freedom, but I am cooperating better now than I have I think. It's about time.