Over the last few weeks as I have been mentioning to folks about what we're experiencing in the transition from residing in Northampton to residing in Shutesbury, I've frequently used two words to describe some of what it feels like: rhythm and groove. Most of you know I'm a drummer so it mightn't be surprising I'd pick those two to explain this change.
If you're not a musician you might be asking right now: "so what's the difference between rhythm and groove?" Well, it is one of relationship. Rhythm and groove are related, but subtly different. Both are needed to create a certain movement and "feel." Rhythm is a basic musical building block; it creates a sense of momentum. Feel is how the rhythm is interpreted and played to make it feel good, or alive, languid or compelling. Rhythm is an engine in the car; groove how pleasant it is to drive it.
Let me begin with a simple example which should be easy to see related to this idea of finding a new rhythm and settling into a new groove. Since 1990, Tricia and I have virtually lived where we worked. In the case of the Center For Renewal Retreat House on the grounds of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Simsbury, CT, we lived in the same building as we worked: upstairs was our apartment and downstairs was the retreat space. Similarly, in Northampton, until 10 days ago, we lived on the third floor and have been working on the second floor. In both cases, we merely walked down the stairs to go to work, and back up the stairs to go home--different location same rhythm and groove.
Now, we do this weird thing many of you do called "commuting." We drive to work and drive back home and it takes 35 minutes rather than 35 seconds. That's a different rhythm, and it's not become a groove yet. But, our drive back and forth will soon become a groove when it's established or habitual; it's just part of our usual routine. It feels normal. Normal carries with it a steady predictability that doesn't have to be thought about; it's just normal. Sometimes it does feel good.
There are other parts of our life which still need to settle into a groove as we negotiate this new daily rhythm. We live again in the country and not the city. While living in Shutesbury is much more country than living in Simsbury, living at the retreat house on a 40-acre farm-turned-church surrounded by trees, next to Hop Brook, and with hills to the west, still felt like living in the country. While Northampton is a small city, we've lived right on Main Street at one of its busiest intersections and have seen it get busier and busier over the years, and well into the night, especially on the weekends. The rhythm of Shutesbury is slower, less cluttered, and at the pace of the pastoral. Settling into a groove there has already begun since it fits naturally with our sensibilities and temperaments. Stress subsides in such settings; noise abates, and quiet pervades; (especially at night, most nights). The ancient rhythms of New England woodlands still dominate as the groove.
Not only is our our working finding a new daily rhythm. By living in a quaint manse next to a small 19th century Methodist Church, we feel we're in a home, not a living space. We loved our apartment on Main Street for most of our stay, but it felt less and less a home toward the end. The groove became tired and stale. While we don't own the manse and have no idea how long we'll be there, Tricia has made it a home. She is happy there (she said as much a week ago, and I've not heard her say that in a long time), and the groove she has created reflects a rhythm of sanctuary, welcome, and a fitting design. I feel it too. I'm not displaced or a tenant. I don't and won't own it, but the Holy Spirit has given it for a time of stabilizing and I think healing as well. May it settle into a deep groove.
I feel it important to tell you our move doesn't signify that finding a new daily rhythm will be complete in the next week or two. There are other potential changes on the horizon involving how we and imagine/Northampton move forward. I will not say anything more about that now, but I will write about it soon after the picture takes shape. I know settling into a new groove ministry-wise will take some time. Stay tuned.
Lastly, I need to say something about living on the grounds of Pine Brook Camp. The ministry rhythm there is truly a camp rhythm, It has a robust ministry to kids, teens, church groups, men's and women's groups, etc. Kevin and Janet Williams are the gifted and dedicated leaders of this work (along with an able and dedicated staff, plus volunteers (some long-term), and they are more and more looking at the potential missional opportunities for working with kids who've never had the chance to experience the manifold blessings of a camp with Jesus at the center because of poverty and lack of exposure. We love that groove!
Also, living at camp not only calms our spirits, but it puts us back in a space where the "unforced rhythms of grace" can linger for awhile, whether through the primordial beauty of God's creation, the abiding presence of prayer, worship, or by reflecting on the Person and ways of God. Just being in such a rhythm has invited us to settle into the groove which has shaped our spiritual our lives since 1985. There are an abundance of places to pray, listen, and contemplate on the 120 acres full of waterways, paths, and even an Adirondack hut or two. We'll take full advantage of that abundance this fall.
In sum, it feels like we're where we're supposed to be presently It took awhile to get there this trying year. But being "in place" seems to me to manifest rhythm and groove at it's most fulfilling.
So while we have a way to go, we are getting used to the new rhythm and look forward to settling into a groove which will carry us forward into a deepening life with Jesus and the Kingdom mission we are responsible for.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
More Questions Than Answers Right Now And That's Not Good.
If you read this blog regularly you'll have noticed I'm not writing much these days. I'm experiencing a stubborn bit of writer's block. I have little passion or ideas for it.
I know why.
It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.
I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.
Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.
At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.
Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?
Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.
And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.
Who knows...
I know why.
It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.
I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.
Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.
At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.
Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?
Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.
And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.
Who knows...
Friday, February 14, 2014
Frosty the Ice Man of Faith.
I was out for a walk early mid-morning today. I had to run some errands related to the snowstorm. As is the case most mornings some of the guys who stand on Main Street hoping to get a few bucks for a cup of coffee and bagel, or secure enough to buy food for the day were out and "at work." I chatted with one; gave him a couple of dollars, and asked how much he needed for the day, and told him I'd ask the Lord to supply over his request. At first he looked confused, but then smiled with an "I didn't expect that!" smile.
I've asked today more than once on his behalf.
A half a block up standing under the Thornes' green awning was a man I met literally the second or third day I started living on Main Street. He's been on Main Street since we moved in, but he lives on the street, mostly out in the elements 24/7, 365 days of the year. He's a hardy soul with true grit and a stubborn will. I asked where he'd slept last night and he told his "usual place," (I know where it is), adding, "When I got up this morning I was Frosty the Ice Man, and it shattered off me like glass." He laughed. I was out in the storm yesterday; it was not pleasant with the low temps and the wind.
This guy is tough and ornery. He mentioned the other guys on the street have learned to stay out of his way when he's cold and wet. He hates being wet while cold. I responded, "You've trained them well." He nodded. I asked him how he was doing. He answered: "God provides, as He always does." This man talks alot about God and faith and trust. I see him often with his head buried in the Scriptures and he attends a church once a week. He said he's learned to trust Him for all his needs. God supplies. By the way, he's never asked for money from me. And he doesn't do drugs.
I asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel with finding a place to live. He said: "God has not given me that yet. So I'll trust Him." He's told me before why he's had to be on the street for a long time. He says it was a gross injustice. Maybe so. I don't know one way of the other. I won't pry.
I told him things have been especially tough for us lately, and gave him the details. He was genuinely surprised. I think he thought we were well off or something. He reiterated with some vehemence that the key was to trust God no matter what - no matter what you lose, or go through, or have to endure.
It was the Holy Spirit. I would realize that later in the day..
I like this man a lot. He's real and feisty and fierce for God. He's one of those guys that do the tough things in life and don't quit. He's taught me survival is possible in the meanest of conditions; he shows up everyday and looks for God.
I know some of us will ask, "Why doesn't he just go get a job?" "Why doesn't he take initiative and get on with building a life?" But we don't have any idea what's so impenetrably in the way even if it's just in his head. Since we've been here he's tried to get work and it has gone nowhere; not unusual for folks living on the street. He seems a man convicted God will supply his need and God alone. I respect his resolve. I've tried to challenge it over the years with my best reasoning and he sticks to his guns. He'll have none of it.
So, I pray while he and we are still in Northampton, God would meet him where he is, and reward the stubborn faith of this trusting man who's put his full weight on the belief God will answer and supply.
I've asked today more than once on his behalf.
A half a block up standing under the Thornes' green awning was a man I met literally the second or third day I started living on Main Street. He's been on Main Street since we moved in, but he lives on the street, mostly out in the elements 24/7, 365 days of the year. He's a hardy soul with true grit and a stubborn will. I asked where he'd slept last night and he told his "usual place," (I know where it is), adding, "When I got up this morning I was Frosty the Ice Man, and it shattered off me like glass." He laughed. I was out in the storm yesterday; it was not pleasant with the low temps and the wind.
This guy is tough and ornery. He mentioned the other guys on the street have learned to stay out of his way when he's cold and wet. He hates being wet while cold. I responded, "You've trained them well." He nodded. I asked him how he was doing. He answered: "God provides, as He always does." This man talks alot about God and faith and trust. I see him often with his head buried in the Scriptures and he attends a church once a week. He said he's learned to trust Him for all his needs. God supplies. By the way, he's never asked for money from me. And he doesn't do drugs.
I asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel with finding a place to live. He said: "God has not given me that yet. So I'll trust Him." He's told me before why he's had to be on the street for a long time. He says it was a gross injustice. Maybe so. I don't know one way of the other. I won't pry.
I told him things have been especially tough for us lately, and gave him the details. He was genuinely surprised. I think he thought we were well off or something. He reiterated with some vehemence that the key was to trust God no matter what - no matter what you lose, or go through, or have to endure.
It was the Holy Spirit. I would realize that later in the day..
I like this man a lot. He's real and feisty and fierce for God. He's one of those guys that do the tough things in life and don't quit. He's taught me survival is possible in the meanest of conditions; he shows up everyday and looks for God.
I know some of us will ask, "Why doesn't he just go get a job?" "Why doesn't he take initiative and get on with building a life?" But we don't have any idea what's so impenetrably in the way even if it's just in his head. Since we've been here he's tried to get work and it has gone nowhere; not unusual for folks living on the street. He seems a man convicted God will supply his need and God alone. I respect his resolve. I've tried to challenge it over the years with my best reasoning and he sticks to his guns. He'll have none of it.
So, I pray while he and we are still in Northampton, God would meet him where he is, and reward the stubborn faith of this trusting man who's put his full weight on the belief God will answer and supply.
Monday, January 27, 2014
My Training to Trust Christ Continues.
It's been a month since my last post. I have no clear idea of why I dried up a bit other than I didn't have that urge to comment on what I was experiencing or thinking about; nothing felt very compelling. I didn't want to fill your reading space with blah-bady-blah-blah.
But what I experienced yesterday morning caught my attention. First, let me give a little background. On December 27th of last year I wrote a blog entitled Wandering From My Comfort Zone Last Week:
http://oldmenplantingchurches.blogspot.com/2013/12/wandering-from-my-comfort-zone-last-week.html. In it I talked about how my Lord:
"continues putting me into situations where I've never been. They are more stretching than the ones before because I have either no actual expertise in the task or new adventure I tackle, or I feel exposed because doing so increasingly puts me in circles of relationship new or foreign to me. Looking back over five and a half years, I recognize coming to Northampton has been one continuing series of new encounters and endeavors involving all sorts of folks I've never really been around."
I've learned in fits and starts to see following as His disciple includes many opportunities for stretching and deepening. Spiritual maturity is not a vitamin you can take daily with orange juice; it's a more like fitness training sessions where you're challenged incrementally to get stronger, be more flexible, endure more, and grow more ready to be of use when the Master summons you to a task, mission or journey.
Often too, God in His unparalleled wisdom will surprise us with one of those "what are you gonna do with this?" experiences. They are often unexpected, and "Oh, man! What???" unsettling. Yet they can yield astonishing growth.
Well, yesterday morning, I was on tap to give the message for my friend, Pastor Keith Tolley, at the Greenfield Alliance Church. It was to be the third time I'd spoken there. I know some of the folks because I counsel at the church one day a week. As you'd assumed, I did my preparation and felt ready to share what I'd been given. I also needed to pack a change of clothes because I'd be heading to Hopkinton right after to fetch Tricia and visit our son, daughter-in-law and grand-kiddoes. Normally, I don't wear a jacket and tie to speak as it's gotten more informal on Sunday morning in many churches. Yesterday, I just decided to dress more formally, so I'd need to change when I got to our kid's house. The morning was full of stuff to do.
So, off I went up I-91 for the half hour drive to Greenfield. About twenty minutes out I had an "OH NOOOO!" thought that I couldn't remember picking up my notes from the dining room table and either putting them in my backpack with the change of clothes, or carrying them by hand to the car. Realizing they were still at home, and I didn't have time to go back to retrieve them would normally give me panicky jolt of anxiety and thus ratchet up my ADD distractability. From past experience, I guarantee I'd be pretty disoriented.
You see, I'd never left my notes before in all the retreats, classes, seminars and sermons I'd given over the years. I like notes. They anchor my "oh, look ... a bird!" mind to what I'm trying to say. They're like a trusted co-pilot or navigator. They'd not get the chance this time.
But something remarkable and I'd almost say unique to my experience occurred. The Holy Spirit calmed me within a minute. It was physical. He quietly said I was to trust Him and speak without notes. He reminded me I had studied the passage, and it had been one of my favorite and most-used over the years, especially in retreat ministry. Within a minute, I turned from anxiety to I can do this and it'll be fine. The matter was settled as was I.
By the time I walked into the church, I at peace, engaging folks, and not fixated on trying to remember what I was going to say. Unexpected as well, as I came in, a couple of folks said warmly they were glad when they heard I was speaking and looking forward to it. Normally, from comments like that, I would've been jumping ahead in my mind to get focused...didn't happen. I grabbed a pew Bible so I had the passage to look at, and participated in worship until I got up to speak.
On I-91, I also sensed the Holy Spirit said it was OK to tell them I was sans notes, so I did. They laughed warmly, and off I went. With the Scripture in front of me and a clear mental sense of the key ideas and structure of my message, I dove in for thirty minutes. Even to me, I was being more focused and coherent; I went places I wouldn't normally, actually preaching the meaning of Matthew 11:28-30. I exposited the text and challenged them to respond to what one commentator referred to as: "an intimacy of fellowship" as His disciple, choosing to be closely yoked to Him and His teaching, because he was gentle and lowly in heart. I located the text to their experience as a church, exhorting them to come to Him, because of the the endearing humility and magnificent grace in His words to Israel in the1st century, and to them yesterday.
When I finished people were very kind and gracious to me; they affirmed I had connected with something very important to them as a congregation. One person told me she had heard that text preached many times over the years, but never in the way I had preached it. I knew people were paying attention, because a number of them leaned forward and stayed there, a few responded verbally to points I made; there was the nodding of heads in agreement and some were staring straight ahead as if considering their lives differently.
In this post, I want to get across not what I did, but what God sovereignly and unexpectedly did to teach me another facet of trust in Him. He not only calmed my anxiety almost immediately, but He spoke through me to His people. Then, He graciously let me be affirmed for it. Honestly, I could've been all over the place, untethered from my notes as I was, but He showed me, once again, He is all the power behind anything I can do in His service. In hindsight after the service, I'd left my notes at home, I had this delightfully sneaking suspicion that God had a hand in me leaving my notes at home. I know it's peculiar to say, but the sense was strong and I had to laugh. It was like, "Do you get it? Do you see what I can do in spite of what you carried as your responsibility?" The whole experience seemed another one of His invitations to be free to trust Him. Man, I desire that level of freedom!
More generally, I really am learning to be less anxious in new situations than ever before. It can be there, but not in a disabling way. My ADD is an insidious tyrant let me tell you; it sabotages and steals my "masculine voice" more often than I 'd like to admit. Yesterday, God showed me how trust in Him settles my soul into what I've been given to do with that voice, despite my foibles and ingrained weaknesses.
After the liberty, joy and pleasure I felt when I reflected on what He'd done, I eagerly want more of such abiding trust, especially if I can see God work the way He did. I recognize the next big battleground, and one of the most obdurate for me is overcoming obstacles to I being freer and more direct (with humility, grace and love) in telling others of Christ. To overcome such a stubborn hurdle would be one of the most beautiful gifts He could give me before I finish my race.
He certainly and delightfully surprised me yesterday. He can surely do it again!
But what I experienced yesterday morning caught my attention. First, let me give a little background. On December 27th of last year I wrote a blog entitled Wandering From My Comfort Zone Last Week:
http://oldmenplantingchurches.blogspot.com/2013/12/wandering-from-my-comfort-zone-last-week.html. In it I talked about how my Lord:
"continues putting me into situations where I've never been. They are more stretching than the ones before because I have either no actual expertise in the task or new adventure I tackle, or I feel exposed because doing so increasingly puts me in circles of relationship new or foreign to me. Looking back over five and a half years, I recognize coming to Northampton has been one continuing series of new encounters and endeavors involving all sorts of folks I've never really been around."
I've learned in fits and starts to see following as His disciple includes many opportunities for stretching and deepening. Spiritual maturity is not a vitamin you can take daily with orange juice; it's a more like fitness training sessions where you're challenged incrementally to get stronger, be more flexible, endure more, and grow more ready to be of use when the Master summons you to a task, mission or journey.
Often too, God in His unparalleled wisdom will surprise us with one of those "what are you gonna do with this?" experiences. They are often unexpected, and "Oh, man! What???" unsettling. Yet they can yield astonishing growth.
Well, yesterday morning, I was on tap to give the message for my friend, Pastor Keith Tolley, at the Greenfield Alliance Church. It was to be the third time I'd spoken there. I know some of the folks because I counsel at the church one day a week. As you'd assumed, I did my preparation and felt ready to share what I'd been given. I also needed to pack a change of clothes because I'd be heading to Hopkinton right after to fetch Tricia and visit our son, daughter-in-law and grand-kiddoes. Normally, I don't wear a jacket and tie to speak as it's gotten more informal on Sunday morning in many churches. Yesterday, I just decided to dress more formally, so I'd need to change when I got to our kid's house. The morning was full of stuff to do.
So, off I went up I-91 for the half hour drive to Greenfield. About twenty minutes out I had an "OH NOOOO!" thought that I couldn't remember picking up my notes from the dining room table and either putting them in my backpack with the change of clothes, or carrying them by hand to the car. Realizing they were still at home, and I didn't have time to go back to retrieve them would normally give me panicky jolt of anxiety and thus ratchet up my ADD distractability. From past experience, I guarantee I'd be pretty disoriented.
You see, I'd never left my notes before in all the retreats, classes, seminars and sermons I'd given over the years. I like notes. They anchor my "oh, look ... a bird!" mind to what I'm trying to say. They're like a trusted co-pilot or navigator. They'd not get the chance this time.
But something remarkable and I'd almost say unique to my experience occurred. The Holy Spirit calmed me within a minute. It was physical. He quietly said I was to trust Him and speak without notes. He reminded me I had studied the passage, and it had been one of my favorite and most-used over the years, especially in retreat ministry. Within a minute, I turned from anxiety to I can do this and it'll be fine. The matter was settled as was I.
By the time I walked into the church, I at peace, engaging folks, and not fixated on trying to remember what I was going to say. Unexpected as well, as I came in, a couple of folks said warmly they were glad when they heard I was speaking and looking forward to it. Normally, from comments like that, I would've been jumping ahead in my mind to get focused...didn't happen. I grabbed a pew Bible so I had the passage to look at, and participated in worship until I got up to speak.
On I-91, I also sensed the Holy Spirit said it was OK to tell them I was sans notes, so I did. They laughed warmly, and off I went. With the Scripture in front of me and a clear mental sense of the key ideas and structure of my message, I dove in for thirty minutes. Even to me, I was being more focused and coherent; I went places I wouldn't normally, actually preaching the meaning of Matthew 11:28-30. I exposited the text and challenged them to respond to what one commentator referred to as: "an intimacy of fellowship" as His disciple, choosing to be closely yoked to Him and His teaching, because he was gentle and lowly in heart. I located the text to their experience as a church, exhorting them to come to Him, because of the the endearing humility and magnificent grace in His words to Israel in the1st century, and to them yesterday.
When I finished people were very kind and gracious to me; they affirmed I had connected with something very important to them as a congregation. One person told me she had heard that text preached many times over the years, but never in the way I had preached it. I knew people were paying attention, because a number of them leaned forward and stayed there, a few responded verbally to points I made; there was the nodding of heads in agreement and some were staring straight ahead as if considering their lives differently.
In this post, I want to get across not what I did, but what God sovereignly and unexpectedly did to teach me another facet of trust in Him. He not only calmed my anxiety almost immediately, but He spoke through me to His people. Then, He graciously let me be affirmed for it. Honestly, I could've been all over the place, untethered from my notes as I was, but He showed me, once again, He is all the power behind anything I can do in His service. In hindsight after the service, I'd left my notes at home, I had this delightfully sneaking suspicion that God had a hand in me leaving my notes at home. I know it's peculiar to say, but the sense was strong and I had to laugh. It was like, "Do you get it? Do you see what I can do in spite of what you carried as your responsibility?" The whole experience seemed another one of His invitations to be free to trust Him. Man, I desire that level of freedom!
More generally, I really am learning to be less anxious in new situations than ever before. It can be there, but not in a disabling way. My ADD is an insidious tyrant let me tell you; it sabotages and steals my "masculine voice" more often than I 'd like to admit. Yesterday, God showed me how trust in Him settles my soul into what I've been given to do with that voice, despite my foibles and ingrained weaknesses.
After the liberty, joy and pleasure I felt when I reflected on what He'd done, I eagerly want more of such abiding trust, especially if I can see God work the way He did. I recognize the next big battleground, and one of the most obdurate for me is overcoming obstacles to I being freer and more direct (with humility, grace and love) in telling others of Christ. To overcome such a stubborn hurdle would be one of the most beautiful gifts He could give me before I finish my race.
He certainly and delightfully surprised me yesterday. He can surely do it again!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Nothing Ventured; Nothing Gained.
There' a well-worn proverb I've heard many times over the years, but it never embedded. Late last week, Tricia and I were watching a harmless reality show called North Woods Law. It's about the adventures and challenges of being a Game Warden in Maine. I watch because I love anything back country-open space. It's in my blood. These folks make their living in such environs.
Anyway, early in the show one of the Wardens has to check on a family that might be violent because of drug dealing, and the word is out they're keeping a ball python in their house. Twice in the first few minutes of the show, he says about checking things out, "Nothing ventured; nothing gained." Apparently, this proverb has a long history, the saying dates back to Chaucer (c. 1374).
For reasons I realize now, it stuck because God has been "prodding" me to finally address my life-long struggle with anxiety. I won't write about it now, but suffice it to say, it has caused problems in my life, and probably resulted in some losses.
"Nothing ventured; nothing gained," stood out and stuck in because the Holy Spirit has been dealing with my decades-long, irrational fear of asking for money. It could be asking clients to pay me for my work, including reminding them about it. I always felt uneasy about taking a paycheck because I've worked in non-profits for decades. This fear is nuts, but resiliently influential.
Skip forward to asking imagine donors to donate, and I lean toward panic. Procrastination is my shield. To be fair, I had an almost traumatic experience with asking for donations a decade ago. I was talked into it and then rebuked harshly by the very person who encouraged me to give it a try. Initiating the ask for money feels for me like intruding or stepping over a boundary. Yet,God's made it clear - even through Tricia - I am to get over my fear and ask with gentle assertiveness, i.e., nothing ventured; nothing gained. It's a responsibility I've been given:
Not venturing to ask is to refuse to offer others opportunity to give.
Not venturing to ask is to deny what God seeks to provide through his people.
Not venturing to ask is to deny his family the responsibility to give to his work.
Not venturing to ask allows the evil one to delay the progress of Kingdom mission through intimidation and lies.
What is not gained by asking is lost, or at the very least, delayed because of inaction. Anxiety becomes a wicked ally of cowardice, irresponsibility, and insipid resignation.
So. I'm gradually learning to silence this enemy in many areas of my life. I sincerely want to gain the ability to make the ask and watch what God provides through his generous ones. More importantly, I want finally to know I've taken a deeper responsibility for the work he's given us, and for the resources lying in wait for me to venture forth and receive from his hand.
I've begun to venture out, but please pray for me and hold me accountable. I'll need both for a while.
Anyway, early in the show one of the Wardens has to check on a family that might be violent because of drug dealing, and the word is out they're keeping a ball python in their house. Twice in the first few minutes of the show, he says about checking things out, "Nothing ventured; nothing gained." Apparently, this proverb has a long history, the saying dates back to Chaucer (c. 1374).
For reasons I realize now, it stuck because God has been "prodding" me to finally address my life-long struggle with anxiety. I won't write about it now, but suffice it to say, it has caused problems in my life, and probably resulted in some losses.
"Nothing ventured; nothing gained," stood out and stuck in because the Holy Spirit has been dealing with my decades-long, irrational fear of asking for money. It could be asking clients to pay me for my work, including reminding them about it. I always felt uneasy about taking a paycheck because I've worked in non-profits for decades. This fear is nuts, but resiliently influential.
Skip forward to asking imagine donors to donate, and I lean toward panic. Procrastination is my shield. To be fair, I had an almost traumatic experience with asking for donations a decade ago. I was talked into it and then rebuked harshly by the very person who encouraged me to give it a try. Initiating the ask for money feels for me like intruding or stepping over a boundary. Yet,God's made it clear - even through Tricia - I am to get over my fear and ask with gentle assertiveness, i.e., nothing ventured; nothing gained. It's a responsibility I've been given:
Not venturing to ask is to refuse to offer others opportunity to give.
Not venturing to ask is to deny what God seeks to provide through his people.
Not venturing to ask is to deny his family the responsibility to give to his work.
Not venturing to ask allows the evil one to delay the progress of Kingdom mission through intimidation and lies.
What is not gained by asking is lost, or at the very least, delayed because of inaction. Anxiety becomes a wicked ally of cowardice, irresponsibility, and insipid resignation.
So. I'm gradually learning to silence this enemy in many areas of my life. I sincerely want to gain the ability to make the ask and watch what God provides through his generous ones. More importantly, I want finally to know I've taken a deeper responsibility for the work he's given us, and for the resources lying in wait for me to venture forth and receive from his hand.
I've begun to venture out, but please pray for me and hold me accountable. I'll need both for a while.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Trusting: Learning to Follow Jesus Out On a Limb and Then Stay There.
I'm a born explorer by motivational design.
I'm at my most free when heading out toward the new, and "going beyond." where I've been. I've taken risks most of my adult life and failed at many of them. Then again, I've been able to establish some worthwhile Kingdom enterprises. Even at this "starting-to-be-long-in-the-tooth" age of 62, (but way young at heart and alive in spirit, I might add), there remains in me an indwelling, persisting drive to start a new thing: to open a fresh door, begin from scratch, and launch out into a wisp of a dream which intrigues like crazy, and promises a slice of alive life. Creating is a way of being to me - a chronic impulse toward discovery and birthing.
But, I've been made aware of late of how much, and to what length trusting God (read seeing my limits), is required in exploring and creating this vision through imagine in Northampton. And it's a peculiar perch of trust he's showing me.
It goes something like this: Jesus beckons subliminally, but persistently, "Come on up here and walk out on this high branch with me." I've no idea how flimsy is the limb he's inviting me to. But I realize he's beckoning me to go right out to the tip of, what I'm sure, is feather-thin. It's gonna break. Fear-laced common sense indicates it's so. To even go out there at all, I have to trust because he's already there, he won't let it break or allow me to fall beyond repair.
To make matters worse, he says: "Stay here; live here; abide here; do imagine here."
What???
In other words, "learn to trust me here where it mostly trembles and vibrates; the branch groans from the stress of its constant bending (and appears to me only a micron from the calamitous breaking point), and leaves you vulnerable." Put another way, "Will you abide in the palpable uncertainty of following me into, the Kingdom mission I've given, no matter the cost, inconvenience, strain, even suffering?"
Big question. Essential question for all who seek the Kingdom, and God's summons to manifest it in the real world.
I don't know about you, but over the years, I've also given a substantial amount of unabashed loyalty to safety and security, especially the kind which yields the plenteous comforts of the American-style leisure culture. They are powerful addictors, but ultimately soul-smothering killers of fire-hearted trust and courageous Christ-following . Easy does it as a way of life is no life at all. But the idea of actually embracing a life of Kingdom risk-taking, camping out on a limb without a safety-net, and betting the farm on God's timely provision in the mission is an order too tall for many if not most of us.
In truth, learning to head out on a limb after Jesus yields rich spiritual bounty in the growth of a resilient and tenacious faith. The deep trust formed by exercising such vigorous faith gradually becomes quietly determined, especially in threatening vicissitudes peppered throughout life. aith and trust to this degree has been "kiln-fired" to a hardness shining and proving durable for the long haul.
Preferring to stay on the the limb with the Lord of Hosts is the happy result of being convinced this is the vaunted place called "life to the full" where the Kingdom action is, and where the most fruit for his glory can be yielded. On the other hand, settling for a comfortable Christian life of manageable religious routines and "the way it's always been," creates a kind of spiritual sleepwalking or living on autopilot: go to church, read your Bible and Christian books, listen to Christian music, attend a small group, put something in the plate, and volunteer, serve on a committee, and maybe even go on a Mission's trip. None of it bad, but where's the adversity, the "if you don't show up, Lord, it's all going down the tubes," reality, the "we're not giving up, Father, until you bless us with this family, this neighborhood, this city, these people, etc?
Just a glance at Jesus' life, the lives of his disciples, those who experienced Pentecost, the dispersion of the Church from Jerusalem, Paul's missional journeys, and the gradual spreading of the Gospel in Judea, Samaria and beyond reveals what daily life on the limb looks like. It is singled-hearted trust in the One who's called you to love God with all of you; love your neighbor (including the off-putting ones) as yourself, and as you are going, make disciples all the time.
I've found the more more we trust him, the further we'll head toward what and for whom God cares; not just with our free time, discretionary dollars and a little volunteering. Trusting him with everything precious to us and yielding our whole lives because of it, puts us out on the Kingdom limb where the power of God, and the faithfulness of God hold us up and keep us set to his tasks.
So, is your head down grinding out Monday's through Friday's so you really don't even notice the trees around you, especially the one where Jesus is perched on your limb and looking at you? Are you down on the ground staring up at him, and the limb he's calling you to? Are you half way up the trunk of the tree creeping toward the limb, standing on the notch, or actually abiding there, following him as he builds the Kingdom through you?
Which is it?
I'm at my most free when heading out toward the new, and "going beyond." where I've been. I've taken risks most of my adult life and failed at many of them. Then again, I've been able to establish some worthwhile Kingdom enterprises. Even at this "starting-to-be-long-in-the-tooth" age of 62, (but way young at heart and alive in spirit, I might add), there remains in me an indwelling, persisting drive to start a new thing: to open a fresh door, begin from scratch, and launch out into a wisp of a dream which intrigues like crazy, and promises a slice of alive life. Creating is a way of being to me - a chronic impulse toward discovery and birthing.
But, I've been made aware of late of how much, and to what length trusting God (read seeing my limits), is required in exploring and creating this vision through imagine in Northampton. And it's a peculiar perch of trust he's showing me.
It goes something like this: Jesus beckons subliminally, but persistently, "Come on up here and walk out on this high branch with me." I've no idea how flimsy is the limb he's inviting me to. But I realize he's beckoning me to go right out to the tip of, what I'm sure, is feather-thin. It's gonna break. Fear-laced common sense indicates it's so. To even go out there at all, I have to trust because he's already there, he won't let it break or allow me to fall beyond repair.
To make matters worse, he says: "Stay here; live here; abide here; do imagine here."
What???
In other words, "learn to trust me here where it mostly trembles and vibrates; the branch groans from the stress of its constant bending (and appears to me only a micron from the calamitous breaking point), and leaves you vulnerable." Put another way, "Will you abide in the palpable uncertainty of following me into, the Kingdom mission I've given, no matter the cost, inconvenience, strain, even suffering?"
Big question. Essential question for all who seek the Kingdom, and God's summons to manifest it in the real world.
I don't know about you, but over the years, I've also given a substantial amount of unabashed loyalty to safety and security, especially the kind which yields the plenteous comforts of the American-style leisure culture. They are powerful addictors, but ultimately soul-smothering killers of fire-hearted trust and courageous Christ-following . Easy does it as a way of life is no life at all. But the idea of actually embracing a life of Kingdom risk-taking, camping out on a limb without a safety-net, and betting the farm on God's timely provision in the mission is an order too tall for many if not most of us.
In truth, learning to head out on a limb after Jesus yields rich spiritual bounty in the growth of a resilient and tenacious faith. The deep trust formed by exercising such vigorous faith gradually becomes quietly determined, especially in threatening vicissitudes peppered throughout life. aith and trust to this degree has been "kiln-fired" to a hardness shining and proving durable for the long haul.
Preferring to stay on the the limb with the Lord of Hosts is the happy result of being convinced this is the vaunted place called "life to the full" where the Kingdom action is, and where the most fruit for his glory can be yielded. On the other hand, settling for a comfortable Christian life of manageable religious routines and "the way it's always been," creates a kind of spiritual sleepwalking or living on autopilot: go to church, read your Bible and Christian books, listen to Christian music, attend a small group, put something in the plate, and volunteer, serve on a committee, and maybe even go on a Mission's trip. None of it bad, but where's the adversity, the "if you don't show up, Lord, it's all going down the tubes," reality, the "we're not giving up, Father, until you bless us with this family, this neighborhood, this city, these people, etc?
Just a glance at Jesus' life, the lives of his disciples, those who experienced Pentecost, the dispersion of the Church from Jerusalem, Paul's missional journeys, and the gradual spreading of the Gospel in Judea, Samaria and beyond reveals what daily life on the limb looks like. It is singled-hearted trust in the One who's called you to love God with all of you; love your neighbor (including the off-putting ones) as yourself, and as you are going, make disciples all the time.
I've found the more more we trust him, the further we'll head toward what and for whom God cares; not just with our free time, discretionary dollars and a little volunteering. Trusting him with everything precious to us and yielding our whole lives because of it, puts us out on the Kingdom limb where the power of God, and the faithfulness of God hold us up and keep us set to his tasks.
So, is your head down grinding out Monday's through Friday's so you really don't even notice the trees around you, especially the one where Jesus is perched on your limb and looking at you? Are you down on the ground staring up at him, and the limb he's calling you to? Are you half way up the trunk of the tree creeping toward the limb, standing on the notch, or actually abiding there, following him as he builds the Kingdom through you?
Which is it?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Our FEAST Faith-Journey.
In 5 days we will host FEAST, http://imaginefeast.wordpress.com/, the largest planned event we've undertaken since we launched imagine/Northampton almost 3 years ago. Last year's Halloween event will be larger (350 people), but that large turnout wasn't planned. Remember, we're tiny in number, but we're learning to trust this God "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is (already) at work within us." (Eph. 3:20) I also think God has given imagineers big hearts, and a willingness to take risk for the Kingdom beyond where we're comfortable.
Or we're just crazy . . . (the good kind that changes lives).
One of the remarkable aspects of the FEAST journey has been how God has completely engineered the process such that faith must be our anchor. For instance, we have no real idea who or how many are coming. I know that sounds daft, but because most of the population of folks we want to bless are out of our range of direct influence, we've had to rely primarily on Northampton Social Service agencies such as The Northampton Survival Center, and the Interfaith Shelter to pass out the invitations we made. We've talked to folks on the street and a few others engaged in feeding the homeless and poor, but there are no hard numbers to rely on. We're planning for 175 to 200. We might get 20 or 300; it depends on who you talk to. So, it's up to God.
Then, there's the small matter of money. In house, we don't have anywhere near the resources to fund this ourselves. We determined $4000 was needed to offer a special meal, one Jesus's guests would remember with warm smiles. We've never asked for or raised that much for a single event. Reality was: no money, no FEAST. Would God do it? The answer's been YES! With pledges and what has been already given, we're very near our goal. 30 generous people have chipped in. Faith strengthens and deepens when you're beyond your ability and God has a clear field to operate.
The next question was: how are we going to get everything done to prepare, and then serve that many folks on Easter? As I mentioned, we really are tiny in number. We got out the word, and Jesus-followers from THE BARN in Simsbury, College Church and Smith College in Northampton, Mercy House in Amherst, St. David's Episcopal Church in Agawam, and Southwick Community Episcopal Church in Southwick climbed aboard to help. Our daughters, Eslie and Alyn are helping. A gifted, young artist named Kait created advertising materials and invitations. People are donating food. College Church is letting us use their kitchens to cook. The BARN is letting us use some of their kitchen stuff, such as warming trays. We have wonderful musicians donating their time: Jen and Kris Allen, Deb Davis and Michael Kelly Blanchard. The Northampton Center for the Arts is letting us get in the day before to set up tables.
Tricia is leading the charge. The regulars in our church are taking responsibility, and some are tackling the early preparations and logistics. Everyone will be there for the event.
What I've observed because of the FEAST faith-journey:
1. Risk-taking for the Kingdom mission is the normal Christian life. Anything less seems missing the point.
2. Fear is a formidable foe, always asking: "What makes you think you can do this? How do you know God called you to do it, anyway? You actually think anyone's going to show up?"
3. Unbelief salted with a little Satan sewage says things like: "There's no point trying this. You guys are losers. You'll never raise the money. Nobody cares. This is way more than you can handle. Relax. Give it up."
4. Taking a risk for the Kingdom increases demonic obstruction, resistance and oppression beyond the norm. It's ramped up for many of us as we're putting FEAST together.
5. Believing for more and taking action as a result reveals God's supreme ability to show forth his faithfulness and incomparable power.
6. Risking in faith turns a safe, lackluster Christian sleepwalk into a vigorous, life-to-the-full adventure of meaning and wonder.
7. "Why not?" and "Who says we can't?" is the vernacular of following Jesus.
More about this next week.
Or we're just crazy . . . (the good kind that changes lives).
One of the remarkable aspects of the FEAST journey has been how God has completely engineered the process such that faith must be our anchor. For instance, we have no real idea who or how many are coming. I know that sounds daft, but because most of the population of folks we want to bless are out of our range of direct influence, we've had to rely primarily on Northampton Social Service agencies such as The Northampton Survival Center, and the Interfaith Shelter to pass out the invitations we made. We've talked to folks on the street and a few others engaged in feeding the homeless and poor, but there are no hard numbers to rely on. We're planning for 175 to 200. We might get 20 or 300; it depends on who you talk to. So, it's up to God.
Then, there's the small matter of money. In house, we don't have anywhere near the resources to fund this ourselves. We determined $4000 was needed to offer a special meal, one Jesus's guests would remember with warm smiles. We've never asked for or raised that much for a single event. Reality was: no money, no FEAST. Would God do it? The answer's been YES! With pledges and what has been already given, we're very near our goal. 30 generous people have chipped in. Faith strengthens and deepens when you're beyond your ability and God has a clear field to operate.
The next question was: how are we going to get everything done to prepare, and then serve that many folks on Easter? As I mentioned, we really are tiny in number. We got out the word, and Jesus-followers from THE BARN in Simsbury, College Church and Smith College in Northampton, Mercy House in Amherst, St. David's Episcopal Church in Agawam, and Southwick Community Episcopal Church in Southwick climbed aboard to help. Our daughters, Eslie and Alyn are helping. A gifted, young artist named Kait created advertising materials and invitations. People are donating food. College Church is letting us use their kitchens to cook. The BARN is letting us use some of their kitchen stuff, such as warming trays. We have wonderful musicians donating their time: Jen and Kris Allen, Deb Davis and Michael Kelly Blanchard. The Northampton Center for the Arts is letting us get in the day before to set up tables.
Tricia is leading the charge. The regulars in our church are taking responsibility, and some are tackling the early preparations and logistics. Everyone will be there for the event.
What I've observed because of the FEAST faith-journey:
1. Risk-taking for the Kingdom mission is the normal Christian life. Anything less seems missing the point.
2. Fear is a formidable foe, always asking: "What makes you think you can do this? How do you know God called you to do it, anyway? You actually think anyone's going to show up?"
3. Unbelief salted with a little Satan sewage says things like: "There's no point trying this. You guys are losers. You'll never raise the money. Nobody cares. This is way more than you can handle. Relax. Give it up."
4. Taking a risk for the Kingdom increases demonic obstruction, resistance and oppression beyond the norm. It's ramped up for many of us as we're putting FEAST together.
5. Believing for more and taking action as a result reveals God's supreme ability to show forth his faithfulness and incomparable power.
6. Risking in faith turns a safe, lackluster Christian sleepwalk into a vigorous, life-to-the-full adventure of meaning and wonder.
7. "Why not?" and "Who says we can't?" is the vernacular of following Jesus.
More about this next week.
Monday, August 9, 2010
When You Can't Pay the Rent.
"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."James 1:12
I have to say I've wrestled for a number of weeks over writing about this. I don't want to sound smarmy or whiny. I am not writing a "please feel sorry for us" post. I would be horrified if people felt that way. Nor am I writing in some underhanded, manipulative manner to get people to give us money out of sympathy. I abhor such writing. I know I am taking the risk of sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm not . . . really. I am angry and resolved to hang in as long as I can. I've dug in to the idea that "God will make a way where these appears to be no way."
In reality, when I decided to write this blog a couple of years back, it was for the sole purpose of exploring and documenting what it's like for me, at my age, to be planting a church, no holds barred. I'd never planted a church before, so I wanted to think and report about the experience. Seemed like a good thing to do.
Therefore, it will mean sometimes writing about uncomfortable, even embarrassing things. I see little point in candy-coating the reality of what we're experiencing in the imagine mission, even if I'm the problem. While I hope I do it always in humility and with sensible good taste, telling the truth has to be paramount or I'm merely blowing smoke, as they say.
Because I'm going to write about what many people are going through in these trying, uncertain times, I hope it will encourage them in what can feel terrifying and crushing to their spirits. Hope flows from sharing familiar suffering.
I must say too: Tricia and I have never experienced the extreme financial pressures we've faced since being here in the Pioneer Valley. In over our 37 years of married and family life we've had our share of lean times, but never to this severity. For example: the last three months we have been late on our rent, last month by three and a half weeks. We are having to pick and choose which bills to pay every month. The experience is new to us and very stressful. We've always taken the responsibility of paying our bills seriously.
I'm also writing in the context of someone whose faith is strengthening concerning the goodwill of my Father toward us in this tough place. The end of our struggle appears not in sight. Stress over this is never far away. In reality, while our struggle may get worse, I'm learning to hold fast to the truth that God is our Help and Provider no matter. He loves us with a deep affection, knows our need, and can lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. But even if we lose everything, (I realize it would be a heart-breaking horror), even our lives (Jesus-followers can, you know), I will trust his will for us. There is no merit in me for doing so; God has given me grace to experience it.
So here are my observations borne from the pain we are experiencing:
FEAR
As you begin to experience falling behind in your financial obligations, anxiety steals into your thoughts. The peace that accompanies being able to consistently pay your bills erodes gradually. You wonder if this is the way it's going to be. You begin to think about being evicted, having your car repossessed, defaulting on loans, and losing your health insurance. The unthinkable becomes a possibility. Sometimes you awaken at night with stabs of terror, like "This is really happening! What are we going to do?" The fears subsides if the rent or an overdue bill gets paid, but it has taken up residence in a way new to your experience. The only way to kill it is to get back on track financially.
I have felt the stabs of terror in the night, and very real anxiety as each day adds to our lateness. It persists, as does faith. I do not let anxiety get a foothold however. I will not. I hate anxiety because I have seen what it does to people, even people I love. It's a cruel taskmaster, and I will not let it rule over me. Only Christ has that place in my life.
CONFUSION:
In the midst of things going awry, you wonder how you got here. It's confusing. You ask questions like: has God abandoned us? Did we do something to offend him, so he is punishing us? Did we hear him wrong about coming up to Northampton in the first place? Is this problem just a part of planting a church in a tough place? Things just don't seem to add up. It's not like you've been sitting around drinking beer and watching TV for months. It's not like you don't want to work or haven't been working. It's just that what you're used to, i.e., paying your bills has changed because there is not enough money and some of the mainstays of your ministry have dried up. The question is: Why?
I have wrestled with this confusion, asking all the questions I listed above and then some. Nothings making sense. We know we were called here. Many others have confirmed it since we arrived. I don't let myself wander too long in what seems like imponderables these days. I try to do what the day gives and hope for relief and I try to follow Jesus. My prayer is that of Augustine: "Ask what you will and give what you command." If I need to substantially change what I am doing, I will, as long as I know God is requiring it of me, and gives me the grace/ability to do it.
GUILT/SELF-CONDEMNATION:
As a man, although not exclusive to men in this harrowing predicament, you feel enormous guilt and self-condemnation because you're causing suffering for those you love and are responsible for. In my case, it is Tricia, my family and the church. It feels largely my fault for getting us into this terrible shape. What kind of man am I to allow what is happening? Not fulfilling your obligations cuts deep into a man's sense of integrity and authenticity. It is our job to provide what is needed. Anything less is abject failure. In our minds there is no excuse for this. We've been tested and are found wanting. We don't have what it takes. I don't have what it takes . . . apparently.
I feel very guilty about not making enough money, but I resist submitting to self-condemnation. I know the harm it causes. My guilt is that of most men in my predicament: "I got us here and I could be doing more to get us out." Sometimes that's true, but for the most part, it's not. I do need to make more money and will work long days to do so.
SHAME:
Shame is the evil twin of guilt/self-condemnation. Shame says. "you are a joke." Shame says there is something fundamentally wrong with who you are, and you're not fit to be here. Shames makes a person feel small, useless, inadequate at the core, and worthy of the garbage heap. It stings cruelly as one of the most spiritually devastating responses to life experience one can have. It crushes a person's spirit, sometimes terminally. For a man, shame convinces him he is an impotent boy and he disappears. Shame causes a man or woman to hide because if anyone knew how worthless they are, the rejection would be harsh and instantaneous. It creates ghost-people.
I do feel shame sometimes around folks who have the blessing of meeting their obligations. There is a kind of "if they only knew how hard we're struggling and I can 't seem to turn it around" feeling pervading my experience around them. I'm don't feel one of them and I feel small and impotent sometimes. I don't like that feeling, but it's hard to fight when you're not making financial headway.
DISCOURAGEMENT:
When you can't pay the rent and everything else for a period of time, people can become habitually discouraged and give up trying. They lose faith believing there is nothing they (or God will) can do to change their lot. They medicate and exist. I see folks like this all the time on the streets of Northampton, and they are everywhere in this world. All people need to feel they have the ability to meet their basic needs and those of their families. When that is frustrated repeatedly or stolen they fall into despair, a much more dangerous state of being. When that happens the game is over and only God can restore them.
I have been working hard not to let that happen because the results are too horrifying to even think about. I know what it means to be depressed - another form of despair - and I will not return. I've been discouraged by this, but I am comforted by the fact that God calls me to be faithful each day and the results are his. I have nothing I have not been given. Hope lingers in this notion of just working to be faithful.
HAVING TO THINK DIFFERENTLY:
This frightening financial battle causes me to think differently about my relationship with God and how I need to persevere . . . a good thing. I'm forced to look for different ways of making a living including going back to things I did before we moved up here such as doing Playmaker Profiles and Listening in Christ retreats, speaking in churches, and playing music. I may find a part-time job, or I may switch careers if disaster happens and we have to leave here.
With God, I'm having to trust him for longer periods of time without seeing an answer to our financial state. God has always met our needs, but he's never taken us past deadlines where we are late with payments on more than one front. When we were younger, my work dried up for a period as I was in a major transition I wasn't aware I was in. Perhaps such is happening again. Whatever God is up to, we're being summoned to believe in his good care for us way beyond any other time in our lives, especially for such a long duration. I can't say I'm enjoying the ride, however, the pain is real and I seem caught in forces bigger than me.
The good in all of this is we've put it all on the line for the redemptive Kingdom mission of Christ. It feels we are trying to walk the walk in a way for more substantial than ever. Will God lead us to relief or the "hard way" of losing everything? We don't know, but we're in this struggle. It's all on the line. I hold fast to God's faithfulness even if his mercy turns out to be severe. Many Jesus-followers over the centuries lost everything for his sake. If that is to be our lot, I hope it has been for his sake and not because of human failure.
We will see.
I'm still betting the ranch on the goodness of my Abba and my Lord. He will be with us no matter what happens. When it's all said and done, may we be found faithful in trusting and serving him regardless of the difficulty of our circumstances, self-imposed or sent from above.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Something For You to Carry With You Today.
Romans 12:12: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."Have joy in your hoping, stick with patience as you walk through suffering, pray all the the time. I so appreciate this little trinity of wisdom from Paul. He opens me to substance I can use with words of life written centuries ago.
REJOICE IN HOPE: Let the joy of what you hope for - the complete salvation of your soul unto eternity - flood you with hope. Hope lets a person abide toward a better future. A new day is coming when God will put all things to rights. Rejoice in the certainty of that day because God says it is coming. Your tears will be wiped from your reddened eyes. Your sorrows will finally end. Your frustrations and disappointments will fade from your memory. Pain will disappear as if a bad dream. And hope will finish its mission.
BE PATIENT IN TRIBULATION: Jesus avers you will have troubles in the world. Creation groans in travail and your life has known "sorrowful days." Life is full of troubles of every kind; troubles that bewilder, frustrate, bedevil and corner you, sometimes it seems at every turn. Paul says, "Yeah, I know, be patient anyway." You see, patience is a settler and a leveler. It opens perspective and stiffens resolve. It calms the storm and keeps your feet on the ground, moving forward or waiting for discernment. Patience is a weapon cutting through to peace of mind, and persevering in the face of overwhelming odds. Being patient in a situation gives faith and grace room to work.
BE CONSTANT IN PRAYER: Pray without ceasing, all the the time, every waking minute, and even when you are sleeping (ask God to give you the ability to do that). Don't be fooled into stopping . . . ever. Pray like your life depends on it; sometimes it does. The truth is praying connects you to the heart, mind and will of God. It summons you to his preferred future in your troubling or needy present. Praying constantly, brings peace to turmoil, life into death in all its forms, and courage into cowardice. Prayer also says, " I have something to say about how it's going to go down or turn out." To pray is to invest in treasures: life, liberty, healing, peace, joy, and creating what does not yet exist. Praying keeps us in the Game of all games.
Something for you to carry with you today.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Holding It All Loosely
Psalm 127:1 says plainly: "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.
In these first weeks and months of launching imagine/northampton, I am learning to hold loosely the great dream and persistent desire that lives within me to make this launch happen.
I would hope that those of you reading my blog get a sense of how much passion I have for this work. It is no light matter to me. I am in "lock, stock and barrel" because I am convinced that the Church is the hope of the world. The people of Northampton who are far from Jesus are worth every ounce of effort I can spend to open them to him. Imagine/northampton is our way of doing so.
People who know me well know I am a man of passion, in general. My heart is fired by what I value. I hate lukewarm and passive. Willful indifference angers me. However, the downside is I can let my desire to see something happen get the best of me. The result is eventual frustration that, if not corralled, can sink me into a malaise, or worse, depression. I can't afford for that to happen.
So, I am learning to hold all of what needs to occur quite loosely. It plays out as a "long obedience in the same direction" these days. I keep my eyes on the horizon in the direction I am trying to head--one foot in front of the other; one day at a time. Some days feel like good progress is being made. Some days feel like "the faster I go, the behinder I get." A few feel like I settled into the groove and kept in step with the Spirit: a door was opened, someone showed up who moved it all forward a bit, things went as they felt they should and tangible progress was made. I like those days, and I know it was God who made them be.
Lately, I am finding this holding it all loosely business and letting God actually build this house occurs in three ways for me:
1. As you would expect, launching a church requires the gifts and efforts of all sorts of people besides the Leadership Team, no matter how skillful it might be. Often they "show up" unexpectedly through a series of connections outside of our awareness: someone talks to someone and gets in touch. We are experiencing that with very gifted and accomplished people. So I get really excited, but if I am not careful, my design of making an impact that moves people beyond where they are kicks in with a vengence, and I try to maneuver them into position before God has given the command in accord with his exquisite timing. Because my desire for them to come on board can overtake me, and if they don't, frustration and disappointment will settle in, I am learning to be supportive and enthusiastic, while surrendering to God's moving things along as suits him. It's a nice freedom to live in I'm finding.
2. The same holds true for all the critical pieces of the logistical puzzle that needs to be put in place. Currently, we need a suitable venue to hold our first worship on Easter weekend. Where will that be? We need to form a worship team. Who will be on it? We need technical equipment. Where will that come from? We need all sorts of money to make this happen. When will it arrive? That's just for one worship gathering. There are a gazillion other issues to settle in the weeks and months ahead. Nevertheless, I am learning to let God build when the need must be met. I am amazed to see how God makes this happen without us. He brings it into being. Holding important logistical matters loosely lowers the stress of having to make it happen and opens the door to God's unparalleled ability to do only what he can. While we need to work and work hard, we can let it go too.
3. Lastly, I have found that creating concepts, events and structures teach the same lesson of the need to hold it all loosely. Because we have started on the groundfloor level, much of our initial efforts focused on issues like: What is the name of the church? What will we name our roles in the church, like I am a Spiritual Formation Catalyst? What will we name of events, like 6 Evenings of Conversation? How can we creatively avoid using Christianese and church jargon while retaining meaning, and not just be clever or cute with our terms? Even in this naming process we have watched God lead us to fresh ways of terming things.
One lovely result of this freedom is God increasingly becomes the focus of our awe and wonder as he does what is only his: to build his house. I find pleasure in watching him do this. It refreshes and delights me. Time in the trenches becomes enlivened as we are lifted to see his creative hand shaping it all into being.
I realize for us, "discovering the God who is far more than we imagine," is manifest these days more and more in seeing him conceive, birth, and grow imagine in our midst. He uses us for sure, but no one on the team mistakes our parts for his. I'm glad for that.
I know I need to keep learning this freedom, but I am cooperating better now than I have I think. It's about time.
In these first weeks and months of launching imagine/northampton, I am learning to hold loosely the great dream and persistent desire that lives within me to make this launch happen.
I would hope that those of you reading my blog get a sense of how much passion I have for this work. It is no light matter to me. I am in "lock, stock and barrel" because I am convinced that the Church is the hope of the world. The people of Northampton who are far from Jesus are worth every ounce of effort I can spend to open them to him. Imagine/northampton is our way of doing so.
People who know me well know I am a man of passion, in general. My heart is fired by what I value. I hate lukewarm and passive. Willful indifference angers me. However, the downside is I can let my desire to see something happen get the best of me. The result is eventual frustration that, if not corralled, can sink me into a malaise, or worse, depression. I can't afford for that to happen.
So, I am learning to hold all of what needs to occur quite loosely. It plays out as a "long obedience in the same direction" these days. I keep my eyes on the horizon in the direction I am trying to head--one foot in front of the other; one day at a time. Some days feel like good progress is being made. Some days feel like "the faster I go, the behinder I get." A few feel like I settled into the groove and kept in step with the Spirit: a door was opened, someone showed up who moved it all forward a bit, things went as they felt they should and tangible progress was made. I like those days, and I know it was God who made them be.
Lately, I am finding this holding it all loosely business and letting God actually build this house occurs in three ways for me:
1. As you would expect, launching a church requires the gifts and efforts of all sorts of people besides the Leadership Team, no matter how skillful it might be. Often they "show up" unexpectedly through a series of connections outside of our awareness: someone talks to someone and gets in touch. We are experiencing that with very gifted and accomplished people. So I get really excited, but if I am not careful, my design of making an impact that moves people beyond where they are kicks in with a vengence, and I try to maneuver them into position before God has given the command in accord with his exquisite timing. Because my desire for them to come on board can overtake me, and if they don't, frustration and disappointment will settle in, I am learning to be supportive and enthusiastic, while surrendering to God's moving things along as suits him. It's a nice freedom to live in I'm finding.
2. The same holds true for all the critical pieces of the logistical puzzle that needs to be put in place. Currently, we need a suitable venue to hold our first worship on Easter weekend. Where will that be? We need to form a worship team. Who will be on it? We need technical equipment. Where will that come from? We need all sorts of money to make this happen. When will it arrive? That's just for one worship gathering. There are a gazillion other issues to settle in the weeks and months ahead. Nevertheless, I am learning to let God build when the need must be met. I am amazed to see how God makes this happen without us. He brings it into being. Holding important logistical matters loosely lowers the stress of having to make it happen and opens the door to God's unparalleled ability to do only what he can. While we need to work and work hard, we can let it go too.
3. Lastly, I have found that creating concepts, events and structures teach the same lesson of the need to hold it all loosely. Because we have started on the groundfloor level, much of our initial efforts focused on issues like: What is the name of the church? What will we name our roles in the church, like I am a Spiritual Formation Catalyst? What will we name of events, like 6 Evenings of Conversation? How can we creatively avoid using Christianese and church jargon while retaining meaning, and not just be clever or cute with our terms? Even in this naming process we have watched God lead us to fresh ways of terming things.
One lovely result of this freedom is God increasingly becomes the focus of our awe and wonder as he does what is only his: to build his house. I find pleasure in watching him do this. It refreshes and delights me. Time in the trenches becomes enlivened as we are lifted to see his creative hand shaping it all into being.
I realize for us, "discovering the God who is far more than we imagine," is manifest these days more and more in seeing him conceive, birth, and grow imagine in our midst. He uses us for sure, but no one on the team mistakes our parts for his. I'm glad for that.
I know I need to keep learning this freedom, but I am cooperating better now than I have I think. It's about time.
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