Last Tuesday morning was one of those alive-feeling Fall days with a rich blue sky, a brilliant morning sun, and air refreshing with little humidity. We were headed for work in Northampton. The day held preliminary preparations for our move from the imagine/Northampton offices we'd occupied on Main Street for a little over 5 years.
Our drive in from Shutesbury was what it's been just about every day since moving there: we'd start from Pine Brook for a relaxed drive past Lake Wyola and wind down throughout woods, pastures, homes and hills until we reached Route 47. The pace into Sunderland would pick up a bit what with folks driving to work or heading to school. But it was still a pleasant drive. We'd even pray during the trip. We passed the James Taylor house in Sunderland, the first house we lived in when we moved here, and we greeted it as we always did heading into Noho. It still has our green church pew benches on the front porch. We had no place to bring them to.
Once on 91 south, the traffic and pace would pick up, but I took it easy... no hurry, most days. When we took the first exit into the city it was now time to watch what others were doing because the traffic can get crazy as you get closer to Main Street. Tuesday was normal in that regard. We went through the 5-6 lights on King Street and slowed to a stop at one of four busiest intersections in the heart of the city. There were 5 or 6 cars stopped in front of us.
We couldn't have been sitting there more than 45 seconds when it happened.
I'd turned to say something to Tricia when we heard the violent screeching of tires almost like a roar and then a terrible BAM!!! like something big, metallic and heavy had been dropped onto something else big, metallic and heavy. As we heard it, we were violently thrown forward for no more than a second. It was incredibly fast and disorienting. There was no time to brace, although our bodies tried. I remember instantaneously moving forward and being restrained by the seat belts, but from the instant of the impact, through being catapulted forward and then jolted back into the seat, my sight was scrambled and out of focus as it happened.
Then it was silent.
It took a few seconds to orient and realize we'd been hit from behind. I think I said something and then immediately turned to see if Tricia was ok. We were in shock realizing what happened to us. Tricia was holding her head which scared me because she's had head and neck issues beginning in the first month of our marriage with two surgeries since. She's also been complaining of neck pain the last few months.
So I was like "oh no!" She said she was ok, so I got out of the car to assess the damage and talk to the man who hit us. He was very upset holding his head in his hands actually saying "oh no! What have I done?" He was shaking and I was shaking. He told me he was late for a training session he was attending and got turned around, so he was looking at his GPS to get his bearings and when he looked up it was too late to avoid us. At one point, he started to cry. He asked how my wife was doing and apologized over and over. I actually put my hand on his shoulder and told him everything will work out. We'd get through it, and it could've been any one of us.
That entire exchange was a just was just a minute or so. I went over to Tricia's side the car again to check on her. She said her head and neck hurt. By then, literally just a few minutes after it happened, guys from the Sheriff's Department, the Northampton Police, a Northampton fire truck and ambulance materialized. As soon as I mentioned what was going on with Tricia these guys attended to her immediately, including putting a neck brace on her and taping her head to the board she was lying on. She was in the ambulance and on her way to Cooley-Dickenson in just a few more minutes. I had to stay because the police had our licenses and registration with accident reports to fill out and give us. All the responders were amazing and Tricia remarked later the guys helping her were utterly kind and gentle the entire time.
When we were hit, we collided as well with a car in front of us driven by a young woman on her way to work in CT. She never saw it coming either. She seemed ok. It took about 20 minutes for all the paperwork to be completed and I was on my way to the hospital where I found Tricia in the Emergency Room section. She'd been attended to and was waiting to go for X-rays of her neck. She was uncomfortable, but calm. 45 minutes or so later, the doc told us there were no fractures in her neck, but there was evidence of arthritis, not severe, but there. Tricia was complaining about her mid-back hurting so they got her in for more X-rays and they too confirmed no fractures. A little later, we consulted again with the doc who mentioned that if her headache persisted or she had a change in the pain in her neck or back we'd need to come in right away. So they gave us a pain-killer prescription, and after about 5 hours since the accident we were on our way home and relieved.
I titled this blog BAM!!! because it replicated the sound of impact when we were hit, but it also describes what happens when life is suddenly and radically interrupted outside of our control. Our day was going to be accident free. The drive into town would be normal. We'd go to our offices and take a chunk out of packing for our move. After that, we'd head back home just as we always do. Minor scrapes perhaps; a few unexpected interruptions, maybe a visit from someone we didn't schedule, but not BAM!!!
BAM!!! as I'm using it is chaos in one form or another. It substantially alters the course of a day or a month or a life. Injuries, death, accidents, sickness, violence; anything which intrudes and forcibly changes what you're doing or expecting to do all qualify as BAM!!!. BAM!!! also brings with it a persisting unease, even deep fear. Life is not 100% predictable and comfortably routine. BAM!!! can steal a person's sense of peace or safety or the ability to control things. BAM!!! is a thief and can turn into a cruel task master.
Interestingly enough, Tricia reminded me tonight that on Tuesday when we were driving into town, we were praying for and talking about trusting God no matter what. In the cohort, we decided to read Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust as a group so it'd been on our minds. Therefore, remarkable to us in hindsight, was our trust seemed quickly BAMMED!!! to the test, and yet, we both felt an abiding peace very quickly after the accident happened. You know, the "peace that passes understanding;" the species of peace that makes no sense in the chaotic or frightening situation within which you're soaking. We experienced it. It was almost as if whatever was designed by the adversary and his lot for our dis-ease or harm would not infect our well-being with terror, or grumbling in disbelief just because it happened. We didn't like having the experience, but it was a lesson given by God's grace providing trust and peace in chaos and disruption.
It's taking a few days to recover. BAM!!! can be emotionally, physically, mentally, relationally, even spiritually exhausting. Sure, we were set back timewise in our progress to prepare for the move. Yup, it was unsettling, even scary. Tricia's had to take it slow physically and she still has some pain. Much is just now getting settled about where we'll counsel and do our work. We have to go through the rigamarole of getting insurance appraisals, filing accident reports and then getting repairs made to our car, but normal life has all sorts of interruptions which lead to unexpected, even unwanted chores. So even in this accident, BAM!!! does not have to prevail. As we invite trust and gracious order to take over, our recovery will settle in.
Although, I have to add...a generous dollop of normalcy, and abiding stability would feel darn good right now.
Showing posts with label being steadfast in trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being steadfast in trials. Show all posts
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Rounding The Bend Toward Hope.
Proverbs 13:12 avers plainly: "hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." I have experienced the first half of the text excruciatingly in my early 20's, and less so, but still painfully, since the turn of 2014 when it felt the bottom began to drop out of our lives in Northampton.
While certainly not a "perfect storm," the collusion of paying work slowly, but steadily evaporating leading to a deepening debt, and imagine/Northampton not growing - in fact losing folks - made our welfare increasingly worrisome and clearly in jeopardy. With each month, we fell further and further behind financially. Pressure mounted, joined by a growing anxiety, even terror in the deep of the night when we couldn't sleep. When challenged to look at other strategies for solving our problems, I could settle on no consistently clear direction forward given the abiding sense in my spirit we were not to call it quits completely in Northampton. And the spiritual warfare was fierce: obstruction, confusion, accusation, intimidation, feeling adrift and alienated, fatigue, thoughts of ruin, deep shame, spiritual dryness to the point of disengagement and despair. Some days it was just one thing; other days we were bombarded; sometimes there were brief oases of relief, but not for long. We cried out to Jesus often and prayed consistently for solutions.
The worst of it really has been miserable and frightening...and very lonely. Unless you've been there, it's hard to relate. When the slope turns increasingly slippery, whereas before it was moderately challenging, i.e., you still felt your footing was sure, your heart can begin to listen to the sickening insinuations of despair/ radical heartsickness. Those vile thoughts will come. When they pick up the pace and persist, hope can be snuffed faster than you might realize; it depends on how much stability you've gotten used to, even taken for granted. When despair-laced heartsickness settles in because your desire (or even just being able to keep on top of the ordinary responsibilities and routine obligations of life) is increasingly frustrated or turned aside, fear can sink into terror late at night, and despair can endarken even the most intrepid of souls.
However, to give perspective,, I'd be woefully remiss if I overlooked certain friends and brethren who reached out to us in support, counsel, commiserating, prayer and bolstering. The imagine Board met more than once, but also spent personal time walking with us as we wrestled with what frequently felt like impending disaster and ruination. One in particular, has been willing to go many extra miles with me to make a straight path forward. And the Leadership Team of imagine/Northampton, all of whom are also friends, have walked closely with us. Even some pastoral friends in the Pioneer Valley have consistently been available to talk and pray with me; they've initiated contact. Even today I got a phone call from a man of God checking in; yesterday as well. People have let us know through phone calls, emails, unexpected financial gifts, and words of encouragement that we're not forgotten.
So while our 8-month long, dark night of the soul has enshrouded us in spiritual feelings of intense isolation and bewilderment (when people ask what we're going through, I'll often use the word surreal to describe our experience) at times, we have not been isolated.
Thanks be to God and His servants!
The above serves as a long-winded preface to say Tricia and I feel we're beginning to round the bend toward hope. I have to express a little bit of caution in saying so, however. Since this has been one of the toughest legs of our life journey together, I do not want to assume it's going to be smooth sailing from here forward. It won't be. We still have problems to solve regarding more paying work, cutting costs, and working smarter, but we have reason to hope because we are slowly, sometimes painfully slowly (65 is not the new 35 I'm here to tell you), carving out a path forward.
One great to gift us has been our new intern, Emilia Bauer. She's been asking astute questions and putting solutions in place as to how we can be more efficient organizationally, particularly as the ministry of Klesis. It's through Klesis that we will get back on our feet, especially with PLAYMAKER. If imagine grows, we may receive a full salary, but we shouldn't depend on that happening soon. I think it can grow, but that's for later blogpost. Emilia has helped folks grow their business or ministry, and she has experienced personally the ministry God has given us to share. She wants to learn and grow and be effectual in helping the work move forward. We are very grateful for her (and her husband, Ian, who is on-board with the internship arrangement).
A second great gift is our moving to Pinebrook Christian Camp at the invitation of imagine leaders Kevin and Janet Williams and their Board. While we'll have some minor logistical challenges not living very near where we work, they are doable. And living in the country at the camp will be similar to the living at the Center For Renewal Retreat House on the 40-acre property of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Simsbury. We will be able to decompress from the "urban" life on Main Street, and get back to having a place where we can heal plus regain focus. I have loved much of the experience we've had here on Main Street in Northampton. We've met and befriended some lovely people (who we will continue to see) like Bruce and Tamar, or the folks who keep showing up to the imagineART Gallery, and the artists who've graced it's walls. Living on Main Street was right for the time we've been able to do so.
Heading toward hope very much means getting on our feet financially. As digging holes go, we've dug a whopper. We didn't want to. And in hindsight, I think God has been letting us arrive at Desperation Gulch to say: "Enough is enough! Wake up!!!" I realize we let things slide way too far thinking some sort of grand gesture from God, or the miraculous big breakthrough would show up just in the nick of time to set it all to right. Our magnificent Lord is gracious and merciful, but He's a consummate Realist also: to turn things around you need to roll up your sleeves, while trusting Me with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, then hold fast to the hardscrabble faith to get to work!
While we have not had our desire fulfilled such that we're looking at a robust tree of life right in front of us, we can spot a tiny seedling pushing up through the ground as we make changes in some areas of our journey, and stay the course in others. The stifling feeling of being isolated as you drown is not pervading.
So if it makes sense to you and the Holy Spirit:
We need your prayer and any other way you can support our work through imagine and Klesis.
We need you to hire me for a PLAYMAKER, or tell others about it.
We need you to come on a Klesis Listening in Christ Retreat, or better yet, bring a group to do that.
We need you consider joining the mission at imagine/Northampton for at least a year, and help us Help People Discover and Follow the God Who is More Than They Imagine.
We need you to become a patron of the imagineART Gallery. Ask Tricia what that entails: Tricia@imaginenorthampton.org.
Thanks for reading this. Thanks for praying, supporting us, and reading this blog. It all matters.
While certainly not a "perfect storm," the collusion of paying work slowly, but steadily evaporating leading to a deepening debt, and imagine/Northampton not growing - in fact losing folks - made our welfare increasingly worrisome and clearly in jeopardy. With each month, we fell further and further behind financially. Pressure mounted, joined by a growing anxiety, even terror in the deep of the night when we couldn't sleep. When challenged to look at other strategies for solving our problems, I could settle on no consistently clear direction forward given the abiding sense in my spirit we were not to call it quits completely in Northampton. And the spiritual warfare was fierce: obstruction, confusion, accusation, intimidation, feeling adrift and alienated, fatigue, thoughts of ruin, deep shame, spiritual dryness to the point of disengagement and despair. Some days it was just one thing; other days we were bombarded; sometimes there were brief oases of relief, but not for long. We cried out to Jesus often and prayed consistently for solutions.
The worst of it really has been miserable and frightening...and very lonely. Unless you've been there, it's hard to relate. When the slope turns increasingly slippery, whereas before it was moderately challenging, i.e., you still felt your footing was sure, your heart can begin to listen to the sickening insinuations of despair/ radical heartsickness. Those vile thoughts will come. When they pick up the pace and persist, hope can be snuffed faster than you might realize; it depends on how much stability you've gotten used to, even taken for granted. When despair-laced heartsickness settles in because your desire (or even just being able to keep on top of the ordinary responsibilities and routine obligations of life) is increasingly frustrated or turned aside, fear can sink into terror late at night, and despair can endarken even the most intrepid of souls.
However, to give perspective,, I'd be woefully remiss if I overlooked certain friends and brethren who reached out to us in support, counsel, commiserating, prayer and bolstering. The imagine Board met more than once, but also spent personal time walking with us as we wrestled with what frequently felt like impending disaster and ruination. One in particular, has been willing to go many extra miles with me to make a straight path forward. And the Leadership Team of imagine/Northampton, all of whom are also friends, have walked closely with us. Even some pastoral friends in the Pioneer Valley have consistently been available to talk and pray with me; they've initiated contact. Even today I got a phone call from a man of God checking in; yesterday as well. People have let us know through phone calls, emails, unexpected financial gifts, and words of encouragement that we're not forgotten.
So while our 8-month long, dark night of the soul has enshrouded us in spiritual feelings of intense isolation and bewilderment (when people ask what we're going through, I'll often use the word surreal to describe our experience) at times, we have not been isolated.
Thanks be to God and His servants!
______________________________
The above serves as a long-winded preface to say Tricia and I feel we're beginning to round the bend toward hope. I have to express a little bit of caution in saying so, however. Since this has been one of the toughest legs of our life journey together, I do not want to assume it's going to be smooth sailing from here forward. It won't be. We still have problems to solve regarding more paying work, cutting costs, and working smarter, but we have reason to hope because we are slowly, sometimes painfully slowly (65 is not the new 35 I'm here to tell you), carving out a path forward.
One great to gift us has been our new intern, Emilia Bauer. She's been asking astute questions and putting solutions in place as to how we can be more efficient organizationally, particularly as the ministry of Klesis. It's through Klesis that we will get back on our feet, especially with PLAYMAKER. If imagine grows, we may receive a full salary, but we shouldn't depend on that happening soon. I think it can grow, but that's for later blogpost. Emilia has helped folks grow their business or ministry, and she has experienced personally the ministry God has given us to share. She wants to learn and grow and be effectual in helping the work move forward. We are very grateful for her (and her husband, Ian, who is on-board with the internship arrangement).
A second great gift is our moving to Pinebrook Christian Camp at the invitation of imagine leaders Kevin and Janet Williams and their Board. While we'll have some minor logistical challenges not living very near where we work, they are doable. And living in the country at the camp will be similar to the living at the Center For Renewal Retreat House on the 40-acre property of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Simsbury. We will be able to decompress from the "urban" life on Main Street, and get back to having a place where we can heal plus regain focus. I have loved much of the experience we've had here on Main Street in Northampton. We've met and befriended some lovely people (who we will continue to see) like Bruce and Tamar, or the folks who keep showing up to the imagineART Gallery, and the artists who've graced it's walls. Living on Main Street was right for the time we've been able to do so.
Heading toward hope very much means getting on our feet financially. As digging holes go, we've dug a whopper. We didn't want to. And in hindsight, I think God has been letting us arrive at Desperation Gulch to say: "Enough is enough! Wake up!!!" I realize we let things slide way too far thinking some sort of grand gesture from God, or the miraculous big breakthrough would show up just in the nick of time to set it all to right. Our magnificent Lord is gracious and merciful, but He's a consummate Realist also: to turn things around you need to roll up your sleeves, while trusting Me with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, then hold fast to the hardscrabble faith to get to work!
While we have not had our desire fulfilled such that we're looking at a robust tree of life right in front of us, we can spot a tiny seedling pushing up through the ground as we make changes in some areas of our journey, and stay the course in others. The stifling feeling of being isolated as you drown is not pervading.
So if it makes sense to you and the Holy Spirit:
We need your prayer and any other way you can support our work through imagine and Klesis.
We need you to hire me for a PLAYMAKER, or tell others about it.
We need you to come on a Klesis Listening in Christ Retreat, or better yet, bring a group to do that.
We need you consider joining the mission at imagine/Northampton for at least a year, and help us Help People Discover and Follow the God Who is More Than They Imagine.
We need you to become a patron of the imagineART Gallery. Ask Tricia what that entails: Tricia@imaginenorthampton.org.
Thanks for reading this. Thanks for praying, supporting us, and reading this blog. It all matters.
Friday, May 23, 2014
More Questions Than Answers Right Now And That's Not Good.
If you read this blog regularly you'll have noticed I'm not writing much these days. I'm experiencing a stubborn bit of writer's block. I have little passion or ideas for it.
I know why.
It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.
I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.
Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.
At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.
Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?
Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.
And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.
Who knows...
I know why.
It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.
I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.
Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.
At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.
Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?
Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.
And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.
Who knows...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Adversity and Re-tooling
Persisting readers of my blog might recall how I've written occasionally about the struggles we have faced in launching, planting, and growing imagine/Northampton. We came here almost six years ago with strong faith, high hopes, but modest financial resources. We were all true amateurs at the outset with substantial ministry experience, but not as church planters. In trying to record my experience I would mention the financial and ministry challenges we experienced after the first year: much of it having to do with being a small church persistently under-resourced. It's not that people didn't give; they did and they do, but it's never covered what we needed, especially in terms of our salaries.
Recently, as some of you became aware, we reached a crisis at the end of last year, and God supplied wonderfully. What we didn't know, but soon were made aware is we owed more to our landlord. At first, the news felt a blow to the head coming out of nowhere. We thought we'd caught up only to find we were still in the hole. For a couple of days we were really confused and discouraged - shell-shocked actually. What did this mean? How come we were unaware of falling behind? Why didn't our landlord say anything before? We felt pretty forlorn, salted liberally with embarrassment and shame.
As we tried to get our bearings, and process what to do, Tricia remembered God had told her in prayer, early in January, we were to prepare for a battle and not be passive. She was not sure what the battle was beyond the spiritual scraps we've learned to fight regularly since coming up from Simsbury. Then a few weeks ago, someone who's a part of imagine, when I told the story, noted God wanted to tell me something, but this person had no idea of the context at first. She received from God I was to "stick with it." Both of those warnings bolstered us to leave the pity party early and take action.
First, we let the Board know we needed help to tackle head on what has become a frustrating problem and an unexpected setback A couple weeks prior we sat down with two of them and laid out the numbers. They asked about where our hearts were regarding imagine, and where we wanted to head, or if we still had passion for this mission, given the struggle it's been. These folks care for us and have for a long time. We processed those questions honestly looking at fatigue, the effects of discouragement, and what we wanted to do, if anything, to address and change the situation. The process was helpful, even encouraging. We looked at hard questions, including changing our direction personally.
Once we prayed (praying has been taking our center stage for a while now), we asked one member of the Board to look closely at the numbers, ours and imagine's to come up with an effective budget. He's really good at that stuff. It's important to note here when we gave the Board members an income and expenses sheet, they were encouraging in that, while there were clear problems to solve, it was not a disaster. They needed to be addressed, but abandoning ship wasn't a foregone conclusion. I can't tell you how relieved we were to have the prayer and practical support these Board folks brought. We didn't feel so alone and overwhelmed. The long and the short of it is we'll have a budget strategy which accurately reflects and addresses the financial state of the church. A good first step; one we should have secured in place long ago.
Another step we're taking is to engage imagine folks about who we are and where we see God leading us together. We've started letting them know we're in this process and have persisting financial challenges which affect focus and effort. In a few weeks, we'll have a dialogue about vision, calling and strategy with everyone in the church. We want them to contribute because they are imagine/Northampton, not they go to imagine/Northampton. We want the collective wisdom from people listening to God as one people, praying and seeking how we can best fulfill our work of helping anyone discover and follow the God who is more than they imagine. While the path ahead might not be easy, it will be shared. Some of the Board will be there as well.
It's equally clear to me I must find ways to make more money to support our household. We and others in the church have been praying for a number of months I'd have more paying clients for counseling and spiritual direction. I want to take some of that burden off Tricia who's struggling with burnout. Also, I'd especially like to re-ignite my PLAYMAKER Profile of Motivational Gifts work. One of the Board members is encouraging me to revisit the opportunity, and get more focused on building that part of what I've offered the past 30 years. He has business acumen. I could use a generous dollop of that to work smarter. I'm also looking to do more retreats and perhaps speaking opportunities.
Then, as these past few weeks have unfolded, I've been told twice in one week to contact a foundation which supports churches in New England with different approaches to being church and being missional. The two people who brought it up without prompting from me said virtually the same thing a few days apart. I need to listen to their counsel also, and follow through. I will be doing so after a discernment process of what to ask for and why. Yesterday someone asked if I'd be willing to ask larger churches to help; that's on the table too.
To sum up, our fresh wave of adversity since mid-January has served to prompt us and imagine to consider re-tooling. I like the word "re-tool." It captures the notion of making changes to improve effectiveness or desired ends. No one's talking about completely throwing out all we've done and been as imagine. However, it does mean wisely discerning what our problems are insinuating so we might make necessary adjustments for the future. In a way, everything's on the table including the vision of where we seek to be, and how we have to get there in light of what God wants, and why He's gotten us this far.
Adversity is an adroit teacher, yet an often-unwelcome opportunity to mature spiritually, relationally or professionally. It calls out courage, wisdom, flexibility, humility and endurance. Dug-in adversity rarely feels good, but yields much good, often unexpectedly, which can result by yielding to its, "I ain't going away until you ..." challenge. I've noticed too, God uses adversity, even suffering to gradually turn a spiritually surficial and juvenile faith into one of grit, unforeseen resourcefulness ... even joy. In a good way, adversity has the power to poke and re-poke slumbering hearts to create a faith which holds on while staying a gaze on Christ, the One who went through horrific adversity to defeat death and make creation new.
Re-tooling is just common sense when the way one is going does not work or works ineffectively requiring change - even for churches. Re-tooling is working smart as God's reality warrants it. Unseen or developed opportunities come into view and potential beckons. We don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, rather we give the baby more nourishment and room to grow, with better care based on what must be done to help it thrive. If the effort is stumbling; it's stumbling forward; gaining ground as we learn and mature, even if by inches sometimes.Wisdom says we re-tool until God's picture comes in view, and whenever change is necessary to stay His course.
I don't know where the hard work we're doing now will take us, but like faraway stars on a hazy night, opportunities appear faintly twinkling now. We just need to head-out for them; letting our Captain get us there.
Recently, as some of you became aware, we reached a crisis at the end of last year, and God supplied wonderfully. What we didn't know, but soon were made aware is we owed more to our landlord. At first, the news felt a blow to the head coming out of nowhere. We thought we'd caught up only to find we were still in the hole. For a couple of days we were really confused and discouraged - shell-shocked actually. What did this mean? How come we were unaware of falling behind? Why didn't our landlord say anything before? We felt pretty forlorn, salted liberally with embarrassment and shame.
As we tried to get our bearings, and process what to do, Tricia remembered God had told her in prayer, early in January, we were to prepare for a battle and not be passive. She was not sure what the battle was beyond the spiritual scraps we've learned to fight regularly since coming up from Simsbury. Then a few weeks ago, someone who's a part of imagine, when I told the story, noted God wanted to tell me something, but this person had no idea of the context at first. She received from God I was to "stick with it." Both of those warnings bolstered us to leave the pity party early and take action.
First, we let the Board know we needed help to tackle head on what has become a frustrating problem and an unexpected setback A couple weeks prior we sat down with two of them and laid out the numbers. They asked about where our hearts were regarding imagine, and where we wanted to head, or if we still had passion for this mission, given the struggle it's been. These folks care for us and have for a long time. We processed those questions honestly looking at fatigue, the effects of discouragement, and what we wanted to do, if anything, to address and change the situation. The process was helpful, even encouraging. We looked at hard questions, including changing our direction personally.
Once we prayed (praying has been taking our center stage for a while now), we asked one member of the Board to look closely at the numbers, ours and imagine's to come up with an effective budget. He's really good at that stuff. It's important to note here when we gave the Board members an income and expenses sheet, they were encouraging in that, while there were clear problems to solve, it was not a disaster. They needed to be addressed, but abandoning ship wasn't a foregone conclusion. I can't tell you how relieved we were to have the prayer and practical support these Board folks brought. We didn't feel so alone and overwhelmed. The long and the short of it is we'll have a budget strategy which accurately reflects and addresses the financial state of the church. A good first step; one we should have secured in place long ago.
Another step we're taking is to engage imagine folks about who we are and where we see God leading us together. We've started letting them know we're in this process and have persisting financial challenges which affect focus and effort. In a few weeks, we'll have a dialogue about vision, calling and strategy with everyone in the church. We want them to contribute because they are imagine/Northampton, not they go to imagine/Northampton. We want the collective wisdom from people listening to God as one people, praying and seeking how we can best fulfill our work of helping anyone discover and follow the God who is more than they imagine. While the path ahead might not be easy, it will be shared. Some of the Board will be there as well.
It's equally clear to me I must find ways to make more money to support our household. We and others in the church have been praying for a number of months I'd have more paying clients for counseling and spiritual direction. I want to take some of that burden off Tricia who's struggling with burnout. Also, I'd especially like to re-ignite my PLAYMAKER Profile of Motivational Gifts work. One of the Board members is encouraging me to revisit the opportunity, and get more focused on building that part of what I've offered the past 30 years. He has business acumen. I could use a generous dollop of that to work smarter. I'm also looking to do more retreats and perhaps speaking opportunities.
Then, as these past few weeks have unfolded, I've been told twice in one week to contact a foundation which supports churches in New England with different approaches to being church and being missional. The two people who brought it up without prompting from me said virtually the same thing a few days apart. I need to listen to their counsel also, and follow through. I will be doing so after a discernment process of what to ask for and why. Yesterday someone asked if I'd be willing to ask larger churches to help; that's on the table too.
To sum up, our fresh wave of adversity since mid-January has served to prompt us and imagine to consider re-tooling. I like the word "re-tool." It captures the notion of making changes to improve effectiveness or desired ends. No one's talking about completely throwing out all we've done and been as imagine. However, it does mean wisely discerning what our problems are insinuating so we might make necessary adjustments for the future. In a way, everything's on the table including the vision of where we seek to be, and how we have to get there in light of what God wants, and why He's gotten us this far.
Adversity is an adroit teacher, yet an often-unwelcome opportunity to mature spiritually, relationally or professionally. It calls out courage, wisdom, flexibility, humility and endurance. Dug-in adversity rarely feels good, but yields much good, often unexpectedly, which can result by yielding to its, "I ain't going away until you ..." challenge. I've noticed too, God uses adversity, even suffering to gradually turn a spiritually surficial and juvenile faith into one of grit, unforeseen resourcefulness ... even joy. In a good way, adversity has the power to poke and re-poke slumbering hearts to create a faith which holds on while staying a gaze on Christ, the One who went through horrific adversity to defeat death and make creation new.
Re-tooling is just common sense when the way one is going does not work or works ineffectively requiring change - even for churches. Re-tooling is working smart as God's reality warrants it. Unseen or developed opportunities come into view and potential beckons. We don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, rather we give the baby more nourishment and room to grow, with better care based on what must be done to help it thrive. If the effort is stumbling; it's stumbling forward; gaining ground as we learn and mature, even if by inches sometimes.Wisdom says we re-tool until God's picture comes in view, and whenever change is necessary to stay His course.
I don't know where the hard work we're doing now will take us, but like faraway stars on a hazy night, opportunities appear faintly twinkling now. We just need to head-out for them; letting our Captain get us there.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Frosty the Ice Man of Faith.
I was out for a walk early mid-morning today. I had to run some errands related to the snowstorm. As is the case most mornings some of the guys who stand on Main Street hoping to get a few bucks for a cup of coffee and bagel, or secure enough to buy food for the day were out and "at work." I chatted with one; gave him a couple of dollars, and asked how much he needed for the day, and told him I'd ask the Lord to supply over his request. At first he looked confused, but then smiled with an "I didn't expect that!" smile.
I've asked today more than once on his behalf.
A half a block up standing under the Thornes' green awning was a man I met literally the second or third day I started living on Main Street. He's been on Main Street since we moved in, but he lives on the street, mostly out in the elements 24/7, 365 days of the year. He's a hardy soul with true grit and a stubborn will. I asked where he'd slept last night and he told his "usual place," (I know where it is), adding, "When I got up this morning I was Frosty the Ice Man, and it shattered off me like glass." He laughed. I was out in the storm yesterday; it was not pleasant with the low temps and the wind.
This guy is tough and ornery. He mentioned the other guys on the street have learned to stay out of his way when he's cold and wet. He hates being wet while cold. I responded, "You've trained them well." He nodded. I asked him how he was doing. He answered: "God provides, as He always does." This man talks alot about God and faith and trust. I see him often with his head buried in the Scriptures and he attends a church once a week. He said he's learned to trust Him for all his needs. God supplies. By the way, he's never asked for money from me. And he doesn't do drugs.
I asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel with finding a place to live. He said: "God has not given me that yet. So I'll trust Him." He's told me before why he's had to be on the street for a long time. He says it was a gross injustice. Maybe so. I don't know one way of the other. I won't pry.
I told him things have been especially tough for us lately, and gave him the details. He was genuinely surprised. I think he thought we were well off or something. He reiterated with some vehemence that the key was to trust God no matter what - no matter what you lose, or go through, or have to endure.
It was the Holy Spirit. I would realize that later in the day..
I like this man a lot. He's real and feisty and fierce for God. He's one of those guys that do the tough things in life and don't quit. He's taught me survival is possible in the meanest of conditions; he shows up everyday and looks for God.
I know some of us will ask, "Why doesn't he just go get a job?" "Why doesn't he take initiative and get on with building a life?" But we don't have any idea what's so impenetrably in the way even if it's just in his head. Since we've been here he's tried to get work and it has gone nowhere; not unusual for folks living on the street. He seems a man convicted God will supply his need and God alone. I respect his resolve. I've tried to challenge it over the years with my best reasoning and he sticks to his guns. He'll have none of it.
So, I pray while he and we are still in Northampton, God would meet him where he is, and reward the stubborn faith of this trusting man who's put his full weight on the belief God will answer and supply.
I've asked today more than once on his behalf.
A half a block up standing under the Thornes' green awning was a man I met literally the second or third day I started living on Main Street. He's been on Main Street since we moved in, but he lives on the street, mostly out in the elements 24/7, 365 days of the year. He's a hardy soul with true grit and a stubborn will. I asked where he'd slept last night and he told his "usual place," (I know where it is), adding, "When I got up this morning I was Frosty the Ice Man, and it shattered off me like glass." He laughed. I was out in the storm yesterday; it was not pleasant with the low temps and the wind.
This guy is tough and ornery. He mentioned the other guys on the street have learned to stay out of his way when he's cold and wet. He hates being wet while cold. I responded, "You've trained them well." He nodded. I asked him how he was doing. He answered: "God provides, as He always does." This man talks alot about God and faith and trust. I see him often with his head buried in the Scriptures and he attends a church once a week. He said he's learned to trust Him for all his needs. God supplies. By the way, he's never asked for money from me. And he doesn't do drugs.
I asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel with finding a place to live. He said: "God has not given me that yet. So I'll trust Him." He's told me before why he's had to be on the street for a long time. He says it was a gross injustice. Maybe so. I don't know one way of the other. I won't pry.
I told him things have been especially tough for us lately, and gave him the details. He was genuinely surprised. I think he thought we were well off or something. He reiterated with some vehemence that the key was to trust God no matter what - no matter what you lose, or go through, or have to endure.
It was the Holy Spirit. I would realize that later in the day..
I like this man a lot. He's real and feisty and fierce for God. He's one of those guys that do the tough things in life and don't quit. He's taught me survival is possible in the meanest of conditions; he shows up everyday and looks for God.
I know some of us will ask, "Why doesn't he just go get a job?" "Why doesn't he take initiative and get on with building a life?" But we don't have any idea what's so impenetrably in the way even if it's just in his head. Since we've been here he's tried to get work and it has gone nowhere; not unusual for folks living on the street. He seems a man convicted God will supply his need and God alone. I respect his resolve. I've tried to challenge it over the years with my best reasoning and he sticks to his guns. He'll have none of it.
So, I pray while he and we are still in Northampton, God would meet him where he is, and reward the stubborn faith of this trusting man who's put his full weight on the belief God will answer and supply.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
When You Get Buckled Over Do You Get Up And Give It A Go Again?
PERSEVERE: to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counter-influences, opposition, or discouragement.
ENDURE: to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in; to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding
STEADFAST: firm in belief, determination, or adherence; firmly fixed in place.
ENDURE: to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in; to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding
STEADFAST: firm in belief, determination, or adherence; firmly fixed in place.
James 1:2-4 Count
it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you
know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let
steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and
complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:12 Blessed
is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the
test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those
who love him.
To give you a little perspective before I go any further, the three words above and their definitions aren't naturally friendly to me. I've had to learn to coexist with ADD. At times, I've been bewildered by its effects on my ability to concentrate, manage impulse, and stay the course with just about all of life's disciplines. Other times, I've found ways to ameliorate it's chaos; I've learned to manage (somewhat) my natural bent toward easy distraction. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I can recognize it (somewhat) and reign myself in (sometimes) when I'm flitting from one thing to the next. While ADD works well with my natural motivation to explore and go beyond, it wreaks havoc in tasks requiring discipline and focus.
So when I look at the words persevere, endure, and steadfast, I don't recognize a natural habitat. These disciplines for the mature highlight a substantial measure of persisting toward a destination, gutting it out through rough seas, and walking resolutely under trials with fortitude, even joy. while carrying a heavy load.
While not natural to my ilk, they do intrigue me. They're of weight and substance, even gravitas, therefore of great worth.
Since coming to Northampton, I've certainly met "trials of various kinds." They come in all shapes and forms, and in varying intensities, including overwhelming, even frightening. Some I've never faced before until we moved here; others are just part of the territory if one is a Christ-follower. A few I still face and see no end in sight.
What I don't see very much in me are attitudes such as counting my training trials as "all joy." I have neither the maturity nor fortitude, nor the sense of perspective for that character quality. I'm not saying I'll never, because God won't leave or forsake me in the task of producing steadfastness, as I keep trying to embrace the cross I've been fitted to carry. Faith tested repeatedly is faith perfected and ready for a life crown, i'e., complete, with no deficit for those who love him.
But sometimes I have to ask myself if I love him enough to willingly endure my frequent and continual testing. Does he matter enough that I'll gladly withstand them with good cheer. I think I do, but I get discouraged and can book a pity party. Or, I'll let my old nemesis depression sit a spell with me. He likes to pin failure notes near my heart and dim hope's brightening gaze.
I do love Jesus, but I feel I've wasted the promise we came here with. I've let him down. I'm embarrassed, even ashamed sometimes. I get wilted when I survey the last 5 years. Much of our vision is undeveloped and can feel like a mirage to me. Yet, some lives have been changed. We've faced all sorts of resistance (demonic and human); some of it well-meaning (human), and some of it just plain mean-spirited (human and demonic). But alongside, some people have been healed and released to freedom. imagine/Northampton has become their community. More often these days than before, the burden and strain of our struggle can just buckle me over. Those are the times when I ask, "What's it all about Alfie?" Then, I remember my love for Jesus and the shining magnificence of his Gospel and Kingdom; the cost he paid for me and the world, and his ennobling call to follow him. I remain moved by that because I love him.
This morning I wrote a prayer request to imagine people committed to praying for all of us and I noted I'm weary spiritually, emotionally, relationally and physically. I haven't felt this way on all four counts very much, but it's true right now .It doesn't feel like I'm enduring well. There are discernible cracks in my steadfastness. Persevering looks a tall order. I'd like to have Paul's perspective of "light and momentary troubles" to settle into my heart. God'll have to do that. I'm just not there these days.
I imagine I'll "get up and give it a go again" until he says stop, or I just can't go another foot. Don't know if or when that will be. He does. I just need a breather and perhaps a sip of that joy James was writing about.
To give you a little perspective before I go any further, the three words above and their definitions aren't naturally friendly to me. I've had to learn to coexist with ADD. At times, I've been bewildered by its effects on my ability to concentrate, manage impulse, and stay the course with just about all of life's disciplines. Other times, I've found ways to ameliorate it's chaos; I've learned to manage (somewhat) my natural bent toward easy distraction. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I can recognize it (somewhat) and reign myself in (sometimes) when I'm flitting from one thing to the next. While ADD works well with my natural motivation to explore and go beyond, it wreaks havoc in tasks requiring discipline and focus.
So when I look at the words persevere, endure, and steadfast, I don't recognize a natural habitat. These disciplines for the mature highlight a substantial measure of persisting toward a destination, gutting it out through rough seas, and walking resolutely under trials with fortitude, even joy. while carrying a heavy load.
While not natural to my ilk, they do intrigue me. They're of weight and substance, even gravitas, therefore of great worth.
....
Since coming to Northampton, I've certainly met "trials of various kinds." They come in all shapes and forms, and in varying intensities, including overwhelming, even frightening. Some I've never faced before until we moved here; others are just part of the territory if one is a Christ-follower. A few I still face and see no end in sight.
What I don't see very much in me are attitudes such as counting my training trials as "all joy." I have neither the maturity nor fortitude, nor the sense of perspective for that character quality. I'm not saying I'll never, because God won't leave or forsake me in the task of producing steadfastness, as I keep trying to embrace the cross I've been fitted to carry. Faith tested repeatedly is faith perfected and ready for a life crown, i'e., complete, with no deficit for those who love him.
But sometimes I have to ask myself if I love him enough to willingly endure my frequent and continual testing. Does he matter enough that I'll gladly withstand them with good cheer. I think I do, but I get discouraged and can book a pity party. Or, I'll let my old nemesis depression sit a spell with me. He likes to pin failure notes near my heart and dim hope's brightening gaze.
I do love Jesus, but I feel I've wasted the promise we came here with. I've let him down. I'm embarrassed, even ashamed sometimes. I get wilted when I survey the last 5 years. Much of our vision is undeveloped and can feel like a mirage to me. Yet, some lives have been changed. We've faced all sorts of resistance (demonic and human); some of it well-meaning (human), and some of it just plain mean-spirited (human and demonic). But alongside, some people have been healed and released to freedom. imagine/Northampton has become their community. More often these days than before, the burden and strain of our struggle can just buckle me over. Those are the times when I ask, "What's it all about Alfie?" Then, I remember my love for Jesus and the shining magnificence of his Gospel and Kingdom; the cost he paid for me and the world, and his ennobling call to follow him. I remain moved by that because I love him.
This morning I wrote a prayer request to imagine people committed to praying for all of us and I noted I'm weary spiritually, emotionally, relationally and physically. I haven't felt this way on all four counts very much, but it's true right now .It doesn't feel like I'm enduring well. There are discernible cracks in my steadfastness. Persevering looks a tall order. I'd like to have Paul's perspective of "light and momentary troubles" to settle into my heart. God'll have to do that. I'm just not there these days.
I imagine I'll "get up and give it a go again" until he says stop, or I just can't go another foot. Don't know if or when that will be. He does. I just need a breather and perhaps a sip of that joy James was writing about.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
When Mental Toughness Requires An Unexpected Change of Course.
"Mental toughness is many things and rather difficult to explain. Its qualities are sacrifice and self-denial. Also, most importantly, it is combined with a perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give in. It's a state of mind-you could call it character in action." Vince Lombardi
3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5 ESV
I've been fighting a funk the last 10 days of so. It's not a P-Funk kinda funk that causes your booty to shake; it's a funk that smothers your heart and pulls your thoughts into a thick, enervating fog. Your heart grows tired and your mind feels like the batteries need to be replaced so the light can come back on. It's stultifying to say the least.
My afflicting funk stems from the persisting and deepening financial drought we are settling into. It's feels like a fog which won't lift; it blankets our days and laces fear in our sleep. A palpable heaviness pervades it. We both talk of existential (although we don't use the word), tiredness. I know the weariness is from growing stress. Those of you who've been there know unpayed bills tend to stare at you with a withering gaze. It's no fun.
The long and the short of it is I'm just not making enough money to hold up my end of the bargain with supporting our household. imagine/Northampton is so small it can't carry my weight nor am I counseling
anywhere near enough to support my salary.
In the midst of the work malaise I'm beginning to think God is signaling a change in my direction. It began with reading missional church guys talking about the bi-vocational pastor being the wave of the future. Much of what they write makes good sense to me. Is God calling me to this? What would be so bad about that?
As I said, my counseling and spiritual direction work has virtually dried up with just a handful of clients remaining. Tricia's is growing. The decline has been trending this way since the early summer of this year. Something has changed. I can feel it spiritually and the numbers show it. There looks no end in sight and I'm running out of time to turn things around.
What does this have to do with mental toughness?
Well, I think in my case, mental toughness, is being able to keep the mission I was called to in Northampton in firm view with no wavering while seeing the change I need to make in terms of remaining full-time paid staff as falling forward. In fact, it turns out to be part of God's taking me deeper into the mission in a way I never would have found on my own. In the quote above, Vince Lombardi combined sacrifice and self-denial with a "perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give up" I doubt I'll ever be capable of a perfectly disciplined will," this side of heaven, but I get the refusing-to-give-up character part because I'm doing that so far. I'm not quitting imagine until God tells me to.
The Apostle Paul tells me that mental toughness has to do with enduring suffering and hardship so that godly character qualities take root in me, and hope can keep me stayed on following Christ while working to open the Kingdom to folks - hope infused with God's love.
So God can:
test my mettle,
put me in over my head,
take me to the edge of my faith,
remove all my safety nets,
and even change where I work,
to strengthen my character, making it tough enough to carry the weight of my task in imagine /Northampton's mission.
Mental toughness can also be about staying the course when God expands the scope of the mission he has given without consulting with me (as if he should!). For instance, rather than having me hold down the fort every day at the imagine/Northampton offices, or being the "Chief Communications Officer," a role I've played by temperament and default since we got up here, he gives me a job elsewhere and maybe it doesn't look like ministry at all on the surface, or maybe its in a form I didn't recognize before and would've never headed toward on my own. Just because my work environment changes doesn't mean the mission has.
More simply, mental toughness also means buckling down and helping dig us out of our financial hole even if my imagine/Northampton role diminishes considerably or has to end. I made a prior promise to Tricia to care of her that is of equal or greater worth. Integrity as a Jesus-follower includes meeting my financial obligations and doing what I have to even if it's painful. It's big-boy stuff.
Mental toughness never lets go of the cause or mission, or the non-negotiable values animating any effort of worth. The goal or cause is so compelling a person will pay the cost, fight through the pain, make the sacrifice, overcome the discouragement and hang tough when all appears in shambles. Mental toughness is the domain of those willing to go down with the ship if the ship must go down. I believe it's a virtue which ennobles ordinary people captivated by conviction.
Truth be told, it's taken me a awhile to get to the place of altering my short course to sustain the long haul. There've been "giants in the land," and I've hesitated to adjust my course far too long. Adjusting I'll be in the days ahead. Pray for me if you think about it. I'll be heading out as a "stranger in a strange land." At least it feels that way at the outset.
3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5 ESV
I've been fighting a funk the last 10 days of so. It's not a P-Funk kinda funk that causes your booty to shake; it's a funk that smothers your heart and pulls your thoughts into a thick, enervating fog. Your heart grows tired and your mind feels like the batteries need to be replaced so the light can come back on. It's stultifying to say the least.
My afflicting funk stems from the persisting and deepening financial drought we are settling into. It's feels like a fog which won't lift; it blankets our days and laces fear in our sleep. A palpable heaviness pervades it. We both talk of existential (although we don't use the word), tiredness. I know the weariness is from growing stress. Those of you who've been there know unpayed bills tend to stare at you with a withering gaze. It's no fun.
The long and the short of it is I'm just not making enough money to hold up my end of the bargain with supporting our household. imagine/Northampton is so small it can't carry my weight nor am I counseling
anywhere near enough to support my salary.
In the midst of the work malaise I'm beginning to think God is signaling a change in my direction. It began with reading missional church guys talking about the bi-vocational pastor being the wave of the future. Much of what they write makes good sense to me. Is God calling me to this? What would be so bad about that?
As I said, my counseling and spiritual direction work has virtually dried up with just a handful of clients remaining. Tricia's is growing. The decline has been trending this way since the early summer of this year. Something has changed. I can feel it spiritually and the numbers show it. There looks no end in sight and I'm running out of time to turn things around.
What does this have to do with mental toughness?
Well, I think in my case, mental toughness, is being able to keep the mission I was called to in Northampton in firm view with no wavering while seeing the change I need to make in terms of remaining full-time paid staff as falling forward. In fact, it turns out to be part of God's taking me deeper into the mission in a way I never would have found on my own. In the quote above, Vince Lombardi combined sacrifice and self-denial with a "perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give up" I doubt I'll ever be capable of a perfectly disciplined will," this side of heaven, but I get the refusing-to-give-up character part because I'm doing that so far. I'm not quitting imagine until God tells me to.
The Apostle Paul tells me that mental toughness has to do with enduring suffering and hardship so that godly character qualities take root in me, and hope can keep me stayed on following Christ while working to open the Kingdom to folks - hope infused with God's love.
So God can:
test my mettle,
put me in over my head,
take me to the edge of my faith,
remove all my safety nets,
and even change where I work,
to strengthen my character, making it tough enough to carry the weight of my task in imagine /Northampton's mission.
Mental toughness can also be about staying the course when God expands the scope of the mission he has given without consulting with me (as if he should!). For instance, rather than having me hold down the fort every day at the imagine/Northampton offices, or being the "Chief Communications Officer," a role I've played by temperament and default since we got up here, he gives me a job elsewhere and maybe it doesn't look like ministry at all on the surface, or maybe its in a form I didn't recognize before and would've never headed toward on my own. Just because my work environment changes doesn't mean the mission has.
More simply, mental toughness also means buckling down and helping dig us out of our financial hole even if my imagine/Northampton role diminishes considerably or has to end. I made a prior promise to Tricia to care of her that is of equal or greater worth. Integrity as a Jesus-follower includes meeting my financial obligations and doing what I have to even if it's painful. It's big-boy stuff.
Mental toughness never lets go of the cause or mission, or the non-negotiable values animating any effort of worth. The goal or cause is so compelling a person will pay the cost, fight through the pain, make the sacrifice, overcome the discouragement and hang tough when all appears in shambles. Mental toughness is the domain of those willing to go down with the ship if the ship must go down. I believe it's a virtue which ennobles ordinary people captivated by conviction.
Truth be told, it's taken me a awhile to get to the place of altering my short course to sustain the long haul. There've been "giants in the land," and I've hesitated to adjust my course far too long. Adjusting I'll be in the days ahead. Pray for me if you think about it. I'll be heading out as a "stranger in a strange land." At least it feels that way at the outset.
Monday, August 9, 2010
When You Can't Pay the Rent.
"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."James 1:12
I have to say I've wrestled for a number of weeks over writing about this. I don't want to sound smarmy or whiny. I am not writing a "please feel sorry for us" post. I would be horrified if people felt that way. Nor am I writing in some underhanded, manipulative manner to get people to give us money out of sympathy. I abhor such writing. I know I am taking the risk of sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm not . . . really. I am angry and resolved to hang in as long as I can. I've dug in to the idea that "God will make a way where these appears to be no way."
In reality, when I decided to write this blog a couple of years back, it was for the sole purpose of exploring and documenting what it's like for me, at my age, to be planting a church, no holds barred. I'd never planted a church before, so I wanted to think and report about the experience. Seemed like a good thing to do.
Therefore, it will mean sometimes writing about uncomfortable, even embarrassing things. I see little point in candy-coating the reality of what we're experiencing in the imagine mission, even if I'm the problem. While I hope I do it always in humility and with sensible good taste, telling the truth has to be paramount or I'm merely blowing smoke, as they say.
Because I'm going to write about what many people are going through in these trying, uncertain times, I hope it will encourage them in what can feel terrifying and crushing to their spirits. Hope flows from sharing familiar suffering.
I must say too: Tricia and I have never experienced the extreme financial pressures we've faced since being here in the Pioneer Valley. In over our 37 years of married and family life we've had our share of lean times, but never to this severity. For example: the last three months we have been late on our rent, last month by three and a half weeks. We are having to pick and choose which bills to pay every month. The experience is new to us and very stressful. We've always taken the responsibility of paying our bills seriously.
I'm also writing in the context of someone whose faith is strengthening concerning the goodwill of my Father toward us in this tough place. The end of our struggle appears not in sight. Stress over this is never far away. In reality, while our struggle may get worse, I'm learning to hold fast to the truth that God is our Help and Provider no matter. He loves us with a deep affection, knows our need, and can lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. But even if we lose everything, (I realize it would be a heart-breaking horror), even our lives (Jesus-followers can, you know), I will trust his will for us. There is no merit in me for doing so; God has given me grace to experience it.
So here are my observations borne from the pain we are experiencing:
FEAR
As you begin to experience falling behind in your financial obligations, anxiety steals into your thoughts. The peace that accompanies being able to consistently pay your bills erodes gradually. You wonder if this is the way it's going to be. You begin to think about being evicted, having your car repossessed, defaulting on loans, and losing your health insurance. The unthinkable becomes a possibility. Sometimes you awaken at night with stabs of terror, like "This is really happening! What are we going to do?" The fears subsides if the rent or an overdue bill gets paid, but it has taken up residence in a way new to your experience. The only way to kill it is to get back on track financially.
I have felt the stabs of terror in the night, and very real anxiety as each day adds to our lateness. It persists, as does faith. I do not let anxiety get a foothold however. I will not. I hate anxiety because I have seen what it does to people, even people I love. It's a cruel taskmaster, and I will not let it rule over me. Only Christ has that place in my life.
CONFUSION:
In the midst of things going awry, you wonder how you got here. It's confusing. You ask questions like: has God abandoned us? Did we do something to offend him, so he is punishing us? Did we hear him wrong about coming up to Northampton in the first place? Is this problem just a part of planting a church in a tough place? Things just don't seem to add up. It's not like you've been sitting around drinking beer and watching TV for months. It's not like you don't want to work or haven't been working. It's just that what you're used to, i.e., paying your bills has changed because there is not enough money and some of the mainstays of your ministry have dried up. The question is: Why?
I have wrestled with this confusion, asking all the questions I listed above and then some. Nothings making sense. We know we were called here. Many others have confirmed it since we arrived. I don't let myself wander too long in what seems like imponderables these days. I try to do what the day gives and hope for relief and I try to follow Jesus. My prayer is that of Augustine: "Ask what you will and give what you command." If I need to substantially change what I am doing, I will, as long as I know God is requiring it of me, and gives me the grace/ability to do it.
GUILT/SELF-CONDEMNATION:
As a man, although not exclusive to men in this harrowing predicament, you feel enormous guilt and self-condemnation because you're causing suffering for those you love and are responsible for. In my case, it is Tricia, my family and the church. It feels largely my fault for getting us into this terrible shape. What kind of man am I to allow what is happening? Not fulfilling your obligations cuts deep into a man's sense of integrity and authenticity. It is our job to provide what is needed. Anything less is abject failure. In our minds there is no excuse for this. We've been tested and are found wanting. We don't have what it takes. I don't have what it takes . . . apparently.
I feel very guilty about not making enough money, but I resist submitting to self-condemnation. I know the harm it causes. My guilt is that of most men in my predicament: "I got us here and I could be doing more to get us out." Sometimes that's true, but for the most part, it's not. I do need to make more money and will work long days to do so.
SHAME:
Shame is the evil twin of guilt/self-condemnation. Shame says. "you are a joke." Shame says there is something fundamentally wrong with who you are, and you're not fit to be here. Shames makes a person feel small, useless, inadequate at the core, and worthy of the garbage heap. It stings cruelly as one of the most spiritually devastating responses to life experience one can have. It crushes a person's spirit, sometimes terminally. For a man, shame convinces him he is an impotent boy and he disappears. Shame causes a man or woman to hide because if anyone knew how worthless they are, the rejection would be harsh and instantaneous. It creates ghost-people.
I do feel shame sometimes around folks who have the blessing of meeting their obligations. There is a kind of "if they only knew how hard we're struggling and I can 't seem to turn it around" feeling pervading my experience around them. I'm don't feel one of them and I feel small and impotent sometimes. I don't like that feeling, but it's hard to fight when you're not making financial headway.
DISCOURAGEMENT:
When you can't pay the rent and everything else for a period of time, people can become habitually discouraged and give up trying. They lose faith believing there is nothing they (or God will) can do to change their lot. They medicate and exist. I see folks like this all the time on the streets of Northampton, and they are everywhere in this world. All people need to feel they have the ability to meet their basic needs and those of their families. When that is frustrated repeatedly or stolen they fall into despair, a much more dangerous state of being. When that happens the game is over and only God can restore them.
I have been working hard not to let that happen because the results are too horrifying to even think about. I know what it means to be depressed - another form of despair - and I will not return. I've been discouraged by this, but I am comforted by the fact that God calls me to be faithful each day and the results are his. I have nothing I have not been given. Hope lingers in this notion of just working to be faithful.
HAVING TO THINK DIFFERENTLY:
This frightening financial battle causes me to think differently about my relationship with God and how I need to persevere . . . a good thing. I'm forced to look for different ways of making a living including going back to things I did before we moved up here such as doing Playmaker Profiles and Listening in Christ retreats, speaking in churches, and playing music. I may find a part-time job, or I may switch careers if disaster happens and we have to leave here.
With God, I'm having to trust him for longer periods of time without seeing an answer to our financial state. God has always met our needs, but he's never taken us past deadlines where we are late with payments on more than one front. When we were younger, my work dried up for a period as I was in a major transition I wasn't aware I was in. Perhaps such is happening again. Whatever God is up to, we're being summoned to believe in his good care for us way beyond any other time in our lives, especially for such a long duration. I can't say I'm enjoying the ride, however, the pain is real and I seem caught in forces bigger than me.
The good in all of this is we've put it all on the line for the redemptive Kingdom mission of Christ. It feels we are trying to walk the walk in a way for more substantial than ever. Will God lead us to relief or the "hard way" of losing everything? We don't know, but we're in this struggle. It's all on the line. I hold fast to God's faithfulness even if his mercy turns out to be severe. Many Jesus-followers over the centuries lost everything for his sake. If that is to be our lot, I hope it has been for his sake and not because of human failure.
We will see.
I'm still betting the ranch on the goodness of my Abba and my Lord. He will be with us no matter what happens. When it's all said and done, may we be found faithful in trusting and serving him regardless of the difficulty of our circumstances, self-imposed or sent from above.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
When the Funk You're in is Not the Groove You're Looking For.
I love funk music. Most drummers do. Playing in the pocket is like flying, I think. The groove steps up and grabs onto your soul while your body just has to keep in sync with the rhythm.
You see, it's all about the feel.
But there is another kind of funk, an insidious kind which sneaks up on you and starts whispering deadening, dark stuff. Stuff that tries to cripple hope and snuff out faith. This funk has in its rotten roots a cancer-like fear and stifling thrall of dejection. It spreads through lies whispered into the mind over days until they seize the attention of the heart. When that happens, funk takes over. Spiritual malaise digs in.
This funk feels really bad.And he funk I'm in is definitely not the groove I'm looking for.
Launching imagine/Northampton these days just has little savor, I'm afraid. It feels often ho-hum and "whatever". Sometimes it makes me angry. I also can't seem to hold the vision in view; it dissipates like a mist when I stare at it: the idea of imagine seems more real than the experience. On the surface it feels like I don't care much anymore when the truth is I still very much do. But I feel mostly in two minds and they walk parallel these days. I am in a funk and care about the mission when I allow it.
I have read enough about church planting and church planters to know that what I'm experiencing is not unique, and most likely to be expected in a place like Northampton. I also know my experience pales compared to the harsh reality of men and women over the centuries who bravely gave everything to bring life and liberty to people unaware of Jesus all over the world - places more spiritually fierce than Northampton
Still, I'm looking for a different groove! One where:
1. It's not 2 steps forward and 11 steps back.
2. The vision is actually coming into view, even if slowly.
3. There is occasional breathing space in the midst of the struggle.
4. Chaos does not take down order with increasing arrogance.
5. The heavens don't seem like brass when I pray.
6. At the end of the day, the ways of God hold sway a little more than the day before.
Sometimes in the funk, I remember my reaction when we first arrived and met a few believers living in the Pioneer Valley. They talked of deep spiritual weariness after having prayed and worked for decades that the Kingdom would break through the smothering darkness here. They seemed discouraged and resigned to little hope of seeing that happen. I taste the same funk they seemed sunk in.
I imagine what I am writing sounds like whining. I don't mean it to because I'm not. I am fiercely frustrated, more than a little confused, and in a nasty mood. But I'll tell ya: if the groove showed up an hour from now I'd be back "in the pocket" and playin' the snot out of it. (Sorry.)
I just need to be honest about what this is like.
I know the groove I'm looking for. It has a distinct shape and feel and sound. God sent it back while we were living in Simsbury. I still want to play it for all I'm worth so he is recognized and Kingdom seizes the day. In the meantime, I have to fight the funk. Some days I am better at it than others. A few days it overwhelms me. When they string together, I write stuff like this.
So forgive me. Better yet, ask God to get me to the groove he made me for. I've had enough of this other funk, I assure you.
You see, it's all about the feel.
But there is another kind of funk, an insidious kind which sneaks up on you and starts whispering deadening, dark stuff. Stuff that tries to cripple hope and snuff out faith. This funk has in its rotten roots a cancer-like fear and stifling thrall of dejection. It spreads through lies whispered into the mind over days until they seize the attention of the heart. When that happens, funk takes over. Spiritual malaise digs in.
This funk feels really bad.And he funk I'm in is definitely not the groove I'm looking for.
Launching imagine/Northampton these days just has little savor, I'm afraid. It feels often ho-hum and "whatever". Sometimes it makes me angry. I also can't seem to hold the vision in view; it dissipates like a mist when I stare at it: the idea of imagine seems more real than the experience. On the surface it feels like I don't care much anymore when the truth is I still very much do. But I feel mostly in two minds and they walk parallel these days. I am in a funk and care about the mission when I allow it.
I have read enough about church planting and church planters to know that what I'm experiencing is not unique, and most likely to be expected in a place like Northampton. I also know my experience pales compared to the harsh reality of men and women over the centuries who bravely gave everything to bring life and liberty to people unaware of Jesus all over the world - places more spiritually fierce than Northampton
Still, I'm looking for a different groove! One where:
1. It's not 2 steps forward and 11 steps back.
2. The vision is actually coming into view, even if slowly.
3. There is occasional breathing space in the midst of the struggle.
4. Chaos does not take down order with increasing arrogance.
5. The heavens don't seem like brass when I pray.
6. At the end of the day, the ways of God hold sway a little more than the day before.
Sometimes in the funk, I remember my reaction when we first arrived and met a few believers living in the Pioneer Valley. They talked of deep spiritual weariness after having prayed and worked for decades that the Kingdom would break through the smothering darkness here. They seemed discouraged and resigned to little hope of seeing that happen. I taste the same funk they seemed sunk in.
I imagine what I am writing sounds like whining. I don't mean it to because I'm not. I am fiercely frustrated, more than a little confused, and in a nasty mood. But I'll tell ya: if the groove showed up an hour from now I'd be back "in the pocket" and playin' the snot out of it. (Sorry.)
I just need to be honest about what this is like.
I know the groove I'm looking for. It has a distinct shape and feel and sound. God sent it back while we were living in Simsbury. I still want to play it for all I'm worth so he is recognized and Kingdom seizes the day. In the meantime, I have to fight the funk. Some days I am better at it than others. A few days it overwhelms me. When they string together, I write stuff like this.
So forgive me. Better yet, ask God to get me to the groove he made me for. I've had enough of this other funk, I assure you.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Something For You to Carry With You Today.
Romans 12:12: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."Have joy in your hoping, stick with patience as you walk through suffering, pray all the the time. I so appreciate this little trinity of wisdom from Paul. He opens me to substance I can use with words of life written centuries ago.
REJOICE IN HOPE: Let the joy of what you hope for - the complete salvation of your soul unto eternity - flood you with hope. Hope lets a person abide toward a better future. A new day is coming when God will put all things to rights. Rejoice in the certainty of that day because God says it is coming. Your tears will be wiped from your reddened eyes. Your sorrows will finally end. Your frustrations and disappointments will fade from your memory. Pain will disappear as if a bad dream. And hope will finish its mission.
BE PATIENT IN TRIBULATION: Jesus avers you will have troubles in the world. Creation groans in travail and your life has known "sorrowful days." Life is full of troubles of every kind; troubles that bewilder, frustrate, bedevil and corner you, sometimes it seems at every turn. Paul says, "Yeah, I know, be patient anyway." You see, patience is a settler and a leveler. It opens perspective and stiffens resolve. It calms the storm and keeps your feet on the ground, moving forward or waiting for discernment. Patience is a weapon cutting through to peace of mind, and persevering in the face of overwhelming odds. Being patient in a situation gives faith and grace room to work.
BE CONSTANT IN PRAYER: Pray without ceasing, all the the time, every waking minute, and even when you are sleeping (ask God to give you the ability to do that). Don't be fooled into stopping . . . ever. Pray like your life depends on it; sometimes it does. The truth is praying connects you to the heart, mind and will of God. It summons you to his preferred future in your troubling or needy present. Praying constantly, brings peace to turmoil, life into death in all its forms, and courage into cowardice. Prayer also says, " I have something to say about how it's going to go down or turn out." To pray is to invest in treasures: life, liberty, healing, peace, joy, and creating what does not yet exist. Praying keeps us in the Game of all games.
Something for you to carry with you today.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
When Unexpected Illness Intrudes.
Last Saturday when I took my wife Tricia to the ER, Jesus gave me the following verse early in the morning:
The entire week prior I was texting Scriptures on trusting God to Tricia, my kids, and a few others I have committed to. Here was another one one:
Tricia and I have been interrupted by illness many times in our life together, whether it was with our kids, our parents, or ourselves. We commented on the number of hospital stays we have had over the years. Each time it happens I'm always reminded of how intrusive they are. Normal life radically interrupts. The focus switches from getting on with things to stopping and getting better.
Here are some patterns I notice:
1. Because we have been self-employed for most of our lives together, when illness interrupts, work is interrupted and we experience financial stress sometimes lasting well beyond the actual illness. Chaos intrudes.
2. Fear always tries to settle in and make things worse. Worry wants to take hold and drag us into despair or doubting God's attention, power to deliver, and goodness toward us.
3. I really hate watching those I love suffer. I passionately death in all its forms. I wish I could take their suffering and bear it for them.
4. The rhythms of illness, care-giving and recuperation take center stage until healing is complete. There's no getting around it. You just have to get through. Waiting seems to be a common feature with illness: waiting for news of what is happening and what needs to be done to get better. Waiting for test results. Waiting for docs to weigh-in. Waiting for healing and recovery to take place.
5. The depth of my love for the people God grants me to share life with is manifested in ways different from other seasons and activities of life. It reminds me how much I love and appreciate them.
6. Illness brings out the best in people who interrupt their daily lives to pray, show up at the hospital, take care of needs and offer all sorts of support. Church happens.
7. God demonstrates his faithfulness in ways distinct from ordinary life. It seems his Presence manifests in remarkably revealing a creativity and breadth of resourcefulness I don't often notice in other areas of my life. I always have stories to tell of what God did in our weakest moments. Sometimes they are breath-taking.
Illness will always feel an enemy to me. It steals time, money and strength from us. But God shows up to confront this enemy on our behalf. Illness and injury cause life to take unexpected turns which we must endure as God walks us through them. He has the way forward.
In the end, I have seen healing and care. I've also seen death result. All of it can beckon us to see the need for fundamental change whether it's slowing down, taking better care of ourselves, or appreciating our seasons of "normalcy."
I would rather not go through these intrusions, but I have and will again. May they keep me nearer Jesus and those who are gifts to me beyond understanding.
Now its back to the hospital and my beloved.
"He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD."Little did I know bad news was fixin' to show up at my doorstep in a few hours. God gave me a heads-up. Hindsight let me realize it. I'm grateful.
The entire week prior I was texting Scriptures on trusting God to Tricia, my kids, and a few others I have committed to. Here was another one one:
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever for the LORD God is an everlasting rock."It seems God was laying spiritual groundwork for what we are going through now. He was saying illness was about to forcefully intrude and I must stay focused on trusting him period. He would get us through no matter the outcome.
Tricia and I have been interrupted by illness many times in our life together, whether it was with our kids, our parents, or ourselves. We commented on the number of hospital stays we have had over the years. Each time it happens I'm always reminded of how intrusive they are. Normal life radically interrupts. The focus switches from getting on with things to stopping and getting better.
Here are some patterns I notice:
1. Because we have been self-employed for most of our lives together, when illness interrupts, work is interrupted and we experience financial stress sometimes lasting well beyond the actual illness. Chaos intrudes.
2. Fear always tries to settle in and make things worse. Worry wants to take hold and drag us into despair or doubting God's attention, power to deliver, and goodness toward us.
3. I really hate watching those I love suffer. I passionately death in all its forms. I wish I could take their suffering and bear it for them.
4. The rhythms of illness, care-giving and recuperation take center stage until healing is complete. There's no getting around it. You just have to get through. Waiting seems to be a common feature with illness: waiting for news of what is happening and what needs to be done to get better. Waiting for test results. Waiting for docs to weigh-in. Waiting for healing and recovery to take place.
5. The depth of my love for the people God grants me to share life with is manifested in ways different from other seasons and activities of life. It reminds me how much I love and appreciate them.
6. Illness brings out the best in people who interrupt their daily lives to pray, show up at the hospital, take care of needs and offer all sorts of support. Church happens.
7. God demonstrates his faithfulness in ways distinct from ordinary life. It seems his Presence manifests in remarkably revealing a creativity and breadth of resourcefulness I don't often notice in other areas of my life. I always have stories to tell of what God did in our weakest moments. Sometimes they are breath-taking.
Illness will always feel an enemy to me. It steals time, money and strength from us. But God shows up to confront this enemy on our behalf. Illness and injury cause life to take unexpected turns which we must endure as God walks us through them. He has the way forward.
In the end, I have seen healing and care. I've also seen death result. All of it can beckon us to see the need for fundamental change whether it's slowing down, taking better care of ourselves, or appreciating our seasons of "normalcy."
I would rather not go through these intrusions, but I have and will again. May they keep me nearer Jesus and those who are gifts to me beyond understanding.
Now its back to the hospital and my beloved.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Geezers and the Wings of Eagles.
Been thinking much about resilience (the ability to rebound, spring back, recover) these days.
Remember, I am an old man planting a church (imagine/Northampton). As some of you know, I have taken fondly to referring to myself as a geezer, a slang term for someone who is not only ambling toward decrepitude, but also is a bit of an odd character. I have noticed some oddness (although not full-bore eccentricity just yet), and I like it, actually. Also, I think the term is used most aptly of men. I think 60 is the threshold to the Land the Geezerdom. I know I passed through the gates a few miles back.
Anyway . . .
I find my "geezerliness," especially in the light of the 60 (almost 61 in April), years I have accumulated, plays a frequent role in launching imagine. As I face the relentless and sometimes bewildering challenges of developing this mission in Northampton, I experience the troubling presence of weakness, and inability:
1. I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually tired more quickly; they lingers longer than when I was a young, even middle-aged man. Recovering takes more time (and humbling patience, grrrr).
2. My ADD seems more prevalent in that it is both harder to not wander in distraction and stay focused on stuff needing disciplined effort. A baffling fog can settle in from encountering too many options and choices. Rebounding firmly into order is less easy to do.
3. Because there are so many details to put in place and stay on top of most of the time, I struggle more with keeping them organized from day to day. Springing back from chaos becomes just harder to do.
4. As I have rewritten previously, the spiritual warfare here is unrelenting. Coming in forms of resistance, obstruction (like swimming in peanut butter), and the constant invitation to discouragement, it can grind down a geezer. Rebounding from persisting adversity is not always simple at any age, much less at 60.
5. Just coming to terms with the reality and vicissitudes of aging itself, never mind launching a church in the process, can be daunting because mortality has a greater presence.
In the face of all this,however, I realize resilience is both an act of the will, and a gift of grace, igniting and sustaining resilience. I have to choose the way of resilience every day, but choosing only becomes efficacious as God grants the ability as well. Grace makes a way and points to the means.
Still, I will have to be resilient in the face of my diminishment speeding up inexorably over the days. I run smack dab into the human condition and must work within its bounds. No getting around it. Truth be told, God makes me able beyond my ability to do this . . . if I surrender and pay attention to the whisperings of his help. I live every day in the reality that I am an old man planting a church, but in this last 220 my life's journey. God has summoned me to do this now in my sixth decade.
So I am a geezer learning a different quality of resilience. I need more of God's help in it, because I am diminishing more noticeably than in my young years. Bouncing back has become more of a spiritual enterprise. Sure, I need physical rest for mind and body, Sabbath, and oases of quiet to take my hands off the work. But what I need more are spiritual oases of unhurried prayer, silent reflection, deep thinking and sitting in the Scripture. It is in those places that I am bouyed on wings of eagles.
I want to make that flight more often.
Remember, I am an old man planting a church (imagine/Northampton). As some of you know, I have taken fondly to referring to myself as a geezer, a slang term for someone who is not only ambling toward decrepitude, but also is a bit of an odd character. I have noticed some oddness (although not full-bore eccentricity just yet), and I like it, actually. Also, I think the term is used most aptly of men. I think 60 is the threshold to the Land the Geezerdom. I know I passed through the gates a few miles back.
Anyway . . .
I find my "geezerliness," especially in the light of the 60 (almost 61 in April), years I have accumulated, plays a frequent role in launching imagine. As I face the relentless and sometimes bewildering challenges of developing this mission in Northampton, I experience the troubling presence of weakness, and inability:
1. I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually tired more quickly; they lingers longer than when I was a young, even middle-aged man. Recovering takes more time (and humbling patience, grrrr).
2. My ADD seems more prevalent in that it is both harder to not wander in distraction and stay focused on stuff needing disciplined effort. A baffling fog can settle in from encountering too many options and choices. Rebounding firmly into order is less easy to do.
3. Because there are so many details to put in place and stay on top of most of the time, I struggle more with keeping them organized from day to day. Springing back from chaos becomes just harder to do.
4. As I have rewritten previously, the spiritual warfare here is unrelenting. Coming in forms of resistance, obstruction (like swimming in peanut butter), and the constant invitation to discouragement, it can grind down a geezer. Rebounding from persisting adversity is not always simple at any age, much less at 60.
5. Just coming to terms with the reality and vicissitudes of aging itself, never mind launching a church in the process, can be daunting because mortality has a greater presence.
In the face of all this,however, I realize resilience is both an act of the will, and a gift of grace, igniting and sustaining resilience. I have to choose the way of resilience every day, but choosing only becomes efficacious as God grants the ability as well. Grace makes a way and points to the means.
Still, I will have to be resilient in the face of my diminishment speeding up inexorably over the days. I run smack dab into the human condition and must work within its bounds. No getting around it. Truth be told, God makes me able beyond my ability to do this . . . if I surrender and pay attention to the whisperings of his help. I live every day in the reality that I am an old man planting a church, but in this last 220 my life's journey. God has summoned me to do this now in my sixth decade.
So I am a geezer learning a different quality of resilience. I need more of God's help in it, because I am diminishing more noticeably than in my young years. Bouncing back has become more of a spiritual enterprise. Sure, I need physical rest for mind and body, Sabbath, and oases of quiet to take my hands off the work. But what I need more are spiritual oases of unhurried prayer, silent reflection, deep thinking and sitting in the Scripture. It is in those places that I am bouyed on wings of eagles.
I want to make that flight more often.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Worry and Discouragement: Wicked Saboteurs of the Heart.
"Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" - Jesus.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."- Paul.
"Be strong, and let your heart take courage all you who wait for the LORD!" - David.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." - Moses.
Maybe it is just my emotive temperament, or maybe all geezers planting churches get waylaid more than their share by bouts with worry and discouragement. From what I have read through the accounts of even the great Kingdom missionaries over the centuries, these two pernicious saboteurs of the heart show up unwanted with frequency. They have to be battled or they can hamstring a mission, even turn it back leaving spiritual bodies everywhere.
What is a saboteur? The simple definition is anyone who commits sabotage.
What is sabotage? It is any underhanded interference or undermining of a cause, mission or enterprise. It is designed to cause so much injury or disruption as to derail the success of its target. It is secretive, and covert.
So a saboteur is someone or some agent dedicated to disrupting and destroying its object, and it tries to do so without detection.
All Christians are the targets of demonic saboteurs who work to obstruct, entrap and destroy them. They can attack subtly or overtly depending on the foothold they have gained in a person's life. Sin is the easiest entrance point for them, especially chronic sin that has serious disruptive or wounding potential. Even if not the case, demonic saboteurs are at work daily to obstruct, frustrate, tempt, lie to, and harass every believer. The goal is to distract, divert and destroy a Christian so he or she gradually walks away from God in despair: believing lies, trapped in sin or convinced there is no God - he gave up on the likes of them.
Harassment, enticement and deceit are key weapons of these saboteurs. The heart is the ultimate battlefield. It is in the heart that the battle is won or lost.
Of late, meaning the last month or so, the saboteurs of worry and discouragement have been whispering lies. It goes something like this:
"You know the money is going to run out again just like it did at the end of 2009.
"Your counseling is drying up, little by little because you are a crappy counselor. No one wants to come and see a loser like you."
"You know how many bills you have to pay each month? How long do you think you can keep doing that?"
"You know God is not going to keep bailing you out. He is frustrated and angry with how inept you are. Imagine/Northampton is going to fizzle and die. Everyone will see your shame because of the fool's errand you have been on. He never asked you to come up to Northampton."
"Look at how few people want to be involved with imagine. They came and went because they saw how lame you are. You guys couldn't do this if your lives depended on it. You just don't have it. God is abandoning you to your failure. Accept it."
"Admit it . . .it's over. What a joke. And all the people who trusted you are ruined because of you. They believed in what you said, and you let them down."I could go on and on, but those thoughts were also accompanied by deep feeling of heaviness and emptiness showing up at night and at times when it feels we are dead in the water.The feeling were palpable and draining, both emotionally and physically.
I need to say, however, that people I know and love have been telling us God is having them pray more and more for us. To a person, they send words of encouragement, from God and from their own hearts. And, my own prayer life has been deepened and restored by the true adversity we have faced here in Northampton. I am getting stronger in prayer. Knowing other people have been summoned by God to pray and give witness to his love and mission for us has been water in the desert - treasures of life and spiritual sustaining. I have actually felt the physical sensation of some sort of darkness lifted off me twice early in the morning, a loosening and freeing. Quite extraordinary because I did not expect it, It happened all of a sudden.
I am realizing worry and discouragement are powerful saboteurs of the heart. They obstruct and work to inhibit the sustained enlivening of faith and hope. They work to undermine courage and plant cancerous doubt in the heart of Jesus-followers who are stepping out in faith to fulfill the Kingdom mission God has summoned them to.
Worry steals faith; discouragement turns us away from hope. Both wear down and exhaust our hearts until we are numb and weary. We become lulled into impotence and sterile submission.
God commands: "HAVE NONE OF IT! DO NOT LISTEN. DO NOT AGREE. DO NOT SUBMIT. DO NOT STAY SILENT IN THE FACE OF HEART-SABOTAGING WHISPERINGS FROM LYING SPIRITS!"
The Truth is . . .
Jesus exhorts us not to worry at all. He avers that our lives are so much more than our daily needs which the Father already knows and will provide.
Paul says worry over nothing, and pray all the time for our need. He says if we persist, peace will guard our hearts against lying saboteurs.
David tells us to stand strong and let our hearts hold fast to courage while we wait for God who will be faithful.
Moses asserts God Almighty is with you and me; he's never left nor will he. In fact, he goes with us into the places and amongst the people we dread. Why be afraid?
So where are the spiritual saboteurs in your Kingdom mission these days? What are you doing about it? Where to you need to be healed or restored?
Cry out to God and tell others to cry for you.
God is near and he is not worried or discouraged.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
From the Slough of Despond to the Hills of Hope
Early this week I sent out a cry to people through an e-mail. It was in response to the financial hardship we had been bearing since the summer of of 2009. Being in ministry for 20 years Tricia and I had experienced many periods of having to trust Jesus as we navigated through quite lean times requiring stubborn faith. The severity of this trial, however, was unlike any other time that I remember. We had never been through anything quite like it. Fear and discouragement were settling in; there appeared no end in sight.
In desperation, I sent out a plea. I wrote from a raw and vulnerable place detailing where we were and what we needed.
I had no idea what it would achieve. I just had to do something.
Well, within 10-15 minutes of having sent the plea I received the first response, and it was a big one. Someone was sending a large gift. That was just the beginning. Over the next 24 hours, we would receive many smaller gifts. Then, someone else let us know that a similarly large gift was being sent. The next day, I got a phone call from a brother in ministry saying that he and his wife would pay our rent. We were a week late with no way to pay it much less our other bills. Other people let us know they were praying, some continually. We also received two bracing words from God affirming our call to Northampton, the severity of the spiritual resistance we were encountering, and the assurance that God would prevail in our call here.
In other words, help was on the way!
I was blown over by what God did through these faithful friends and comrades. I had never experienced the speed and degree of response in such a short time. God had decisively spoken into our situation and done something marvelous on our behalf. He acted with haste. There was no tarrying when I cried out.
The spiritual fall-out from his gracious response is we have been buoyed and uplifted in ways remarkable. Because of God's taking decisive action through his people, our passion and strength for ministry has been revived. He heard and sent relief to lift us from a deepening slough of despond. He summoned us to the Hills of Hope once again where we can see clearly, the air is fresh and our path inviting.
From where does my hope come? It comes from the Lord of Hosts.
What has this experience shown me afresh?
1. God can still surprise me with His ways. He is not limited by my conception of him. He is the God of limitless solutions, utterly unfettered by my tiny faith or puny faithfulness. He is far more than I can imagine. He commands and needs are met.
2. The Church Universal is filled with every gift necessary to meet every need for redemption humanity experiences. Through one another, we have everything necessary for life and liberty. God has provided riches to ease our poverty, spiritually and materially.
3. I need to tell people of my need, especially when I am nearing the end of my ability to responsibly act in accordance with hurdles or problems. I must humble myself and make the ask. Much I need will lie just beyond my reach if I do not ask.
4. I must not be mealy-mouthed or timid in asking or acting. God has called me to boldness repeatedly this week and challenged me to go well beyond my cherished comfort zones. "From the time of John the Baptizer until now, the Kingdom of God has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it." (Mt. 11:12). I need to be forceful in acting and asking when Kingdom pursuits and interests are at stake . . . period.
5. I am being chastened and consecrated for the mission we have been given in this complex city of strongholds and counterfeits. Someone mentioned to me this week that Northampton has been called a "burial place of ministries." Strong faith, courage and sacrifice are required to sow the seeds of Kingdom hope and freedom here. Wimping and weaseling will never suffice.
6. Someone welcomed me to my "winter of discontent" this week. He said such stresses and rigors are a normal condition of planting a church in New England (he knows of which he speaks four times over). He reminded me I am running a marathon, so I had better settle the practical issues involved because our mission will likely involve years of patient perseverance.
7. 2010 is the year of truly launching imagine/Northampton. We are forming a real team to do so starting tomorrow. We will be more focused and established in our Kingdom imperative. God confirmed this week that he cares for the mission he has given and the people he has called to establish it. Our manifold dream is that by January next year we will be making a real difference in this place.
So almost a week later I rejoice in what God has done. I really do. Yeah, we are not out of the woods or on easy street; there will be more financial stresses and strains, but God came to our rescue and showed himself powerful on our behalf and that of imagine/Northampton. We feel loved by Him and by His people.
That's sufficient for now.
In desperation, I sent out a plea. I wrote from a raw and vulnerable place detailing where we were and what we needed.
I had no idea what it would achieve. I just had to do something.
Well, within 10-15 minutes of having sent the plea I received the first response, and it was a big one. Someone was sending a large gift. That was just the beginning. Over the next 24 hours, we would receive many smaller gifts. Then, someone else let us know that a similarly large gift was being sent. The next day, I got a phone call from a brother in ministry saying that he and his wife would pay our rent. We were a week late with no way to pay it much less our other bills. Other people let us know they were praying, some continually. We also received two bracing words from God affirming our call to Northampton, the severity of the spiritual resistance we were encountering, and the assurance that God would prevail in our call here.
In other words, help was on the way!
I was blown over by what God did through these faithful friends and comrades. I had never experienced the speed and degree of response in such a short time. God had decisively spoken into our situation and done something marvelous on our behalf. He acted with haste. There was no tarrying when I cried out.
The spiritual fall-out from his gracious response is we have been buoyed and uplifted in ways remarkable. Because of God's taking decisive action through his people, our passion and strength for ministry has been revived. He heard and sent relief to lift us from a deepening slough of despond. He summoned us to the Hills of Hope once again where we can see clearly, the air is fresh and our path inviting.
From where does my hope come? It comes from the Lord of Hosts.
What has this experience shown me afresh?
1. God can still surprise me with His ways. He is not limited by my conception of him. He is the God of limitless solutions, utterly unfettered by my tiny faith or puny faithfulness. He is far more than I can imagine. He commands and needs are met.
2. The Church Universal is filled with every gift necessary to meet every need for redemption humanity experiences. Through one another, we have everything necessary for life and liberty. God has provided riches to ease our poverty, spiritually and materially.
3. I need to tell people of my need, especially when I am nearing the end of my ability to responsibly act in accordance with hurdles or problems. I must humble myself and make the ask. Much I need will lie just beyond my reach if I do not ask.
4. I must not be mealy-mouthed or timid in asking or acting. God has called me to boldness repeatedly this week and challenged me to go well beyond my cherished comfort zones. "From the time of John the Baptizer until now, the Kingdom of God has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it." (Mt. 11:12). I need to be forceful in acting and asking when Kingdom pursuits and interests are at stake . . . period.
5. I am being chastened and consecrated for the mission we have been given in this complex city of strongholds and counterfeits. Someone mentioned to me this week that Northampton has been called a "burial place of ministries." Strong faith, courage and sacrifice are required to sow the seeds of Kingdom hope and freedom here. Wimping and weaseling will never suffice.
6. Someone welcomed me to my "winter of discontent" this week. He said such stresses and rigors are a normal condition of planting a church in New England (he knows of which he speaks four times over). He reminded me I am running a marathon, so I had better settle the practical issues involved because our mission will likely involve years of patient perseverance.
7. 2010 is the year of truly launching imagine/Northampton. We are forming a real team to do so starting tomorrow. We will be more focused and established in our Kingdom imperative. God confirmed this week that he cares for the mission he has given and the people he has called to establish it. Our manifold dream is that by January next year we will be making a real difference in this place.
So almost a week later I rejoice in what God has done. I really do. Yeah, we are not out of the woods or on easy street; there will be more financial stresses and strains, but God came to our rescue and showed himself powerful on our behalf and that of imagine/Northampton. We feel loved by Him and by His people.
That's sufficient for now.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
When Discouragement Comes Calling
Someone very recently said to me that if I am feeling discouraged almost daily it is a true sign I am a church planter. His words, coming from someone who successfully planted one, were a great encouragement to me. I felt less alarmed and guilty about feeling discouraged in the often crazy-quilt experience of this work-the ups and down can come fast and furious more often than I like.
I realized that a big part my struggle with discouragement comes from expectations I place on myself and what I think others are placing on me, however innocently. When they ask with good intentions, "So how is the church going?" After I sheepishly tell them where we are in the mission, what I hear in my head is, "Really, that's all the further along you are? Um, what's wrong with you? Maybe you shouldn't even be doing this? In fact, maybe this was a fool's errand in the first place. What were you thinking . . . someone like you?" I want to slink into a hole and put out a sign saying "I am so sorry-really I am." Crazy, I know, but discouragement shows up quickly to reinforce the questions, and if I listen to what I am feeling at that moment, I get bushwhacked.
A part of me, truth be told, when I hear the progress and fruit of other planters wonders why we are not making "better" progress. I know we are under-resourced which creates a constant uphill battle. I realize we are learning how to do this as we go. It is true we are working in a tough place where obstacles are formidable. There are tangible reasons to work through. The problem is discouragement often blows past those reasons and wants to lure us into hopelessness. If it can gain a strong foothold we are effectively neutralized and rendered impotent for the task.
I have to admit, sometimes I get near the threshhold of hopelessness. I can see its dark ruins staining the distance and get a whiff of the death it represents. Not good.
But not the end of the story either.
Eventually, the Holy Spirit leans in and reminds me I am being fitted for a depth of trust and faith I have never experienced. I have been fitted similarly for the ministries God has invited us to shoulder, but not anywhere near this level. There is a very real "Will you believe and trust anyway even if things get bleak or the struggle never abates? Will you?" pervading each day in Northampton. God offers steel-jawed tenacity in this struggle, big-league faith and perseverance. Oddly enough, discouragement is necessary to achieve this degree of faithfulness. I don't like that to be honest, but I know it's necessary, even desirable (even if we fail ultimately in launching imagine/Northampton in the process, by the way).
I know discouragement will continue to come from time to time. It may even knock me off my feet once or twice. No matter, I want to know the depth of faith and trust God beckons me toward. Right now trying to launch imagine/Northampton is his vehicle for creating it in me. I am going to lose some days and I am going to break through into new territory some days. My hope is that imagine/Northampton will be planted and I will lay hold ofwhat God has been working to teach me.
The right perspective in this struggle I suspect is that in all of it, God is fitting me for the "weight of glory." The endgame defines and focuses my struggle toward eternity.
I like that.
I realized that a big part my struggle with discouragement comes from expectations I place on myself and what I think others are placing on me, however innocently. When they ask with good intentions, "So how is the church going?" After I sheepishly tell them where we are in the mission, what I hear in my head is, "Really, that's all the further along you are? Um, what's wrong with you? Maybe you shouldn't even be doing this? In fact, maybe this was a fool's errand in the first place. What were you thinking . . . someone like you?" I want to slink into a hole and put out a sign saying "I am so sorry-really I am." Crazy, I know, but discouragement shows up quickly to reinforce the questions, and if I listen to what I am feeling at that moment, I get bushwhacked.
A part of me, truth be told, when I hear the progress and fruit of other planters wonders why we are not making "better" progress. I know we are under-resourced which creates a constant uphill battle. I realize we are learning how to do this as we go. It is true we are working in a tough place where obstacles are formidable. There are tangible reasons to work through. The problem is discouragement often blows past those reasons and wants to lure us into hopelessness. If it can gain a strong foothold we are effectively neutralized and rendered impotent for the task.
I have to admit, sometimes I get near the threshhold of hopelessness. I can see its dark ruins staining the distance and get a whiff of the death it represents. Not good.
But not the end of the story either.
Eventually, the Holy Spirit leans in and reminds me I am being fitted for a depth of trust and faith I have never experienced. I have been fitted similarly for the ministries God has invited us to shoulder, but not anywhere near this level. There is a very real "Will you believe and trust anyway even if things get bleak or the struggle never abates? Will you?" pervading each day in Northampton. God offers steel-jawed tenacity in this struggle, big-league faith and perseverance. Oddly enough, discouragement is necessary to achieve this degree of faithfulness. I don't like that to be honest, but I know it's necessary, even desirable (even if we fail ultimately in launching imagine/Northampton in the process, by the way).
I know discouragement will continue to come from time to time. It may even knock me off my feet once or twice. No matter, I want to know the depth of faith and trust God beckons me toward. Right now trying to launch imagine/Northampton is his vehicle for creating it in me. I am going to lose some days and I am going to break through into new territory some days. My hope is that imagine/Northampton will be planted and I will lay hold ofwhat God has been working to teach me.
The right perspective in this struggle I suspect is that in all of it, God is fitting me for the "weight of glory." The endgame defines and focuses my struggle toward eternity.
I like that.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When the Speed Forward Saps the Longing.
I will never forget when I was a young man playing drums in one the first, if not the first touring Christian jazz group, the frustration I felt because the longing I had to see the group attain a larger audience nationally never materialized. My longing was palpable, even physical. It was persistent and strong. It screamed at me sometimes. Other times it just moaned.
Every day when we were off the road, and there were many toward the end, I would wait for news of gigs. I would walk to the band mailbox to check for inquiries about booking a date. I would wait for James, the "famous" one in the group to tell me about a phone call that would open doors. I was miserable most of the time because of the interminable wait and diminishing opportunities over the months.
I have realized over the years that my wiring lends itself to longing especially about what could be, what might be, if only . . . I exhilarate in new beginnings, starting-from-scratch hints of something alive and wonderful, or creating from nothing and seeing new birth. I want to experience the intelligently novel, the startlingly insightful or clever. I want to taste the delight of heaven's freedom and freshness even now. I long for the "you mean it can be this way?" I love being surprised by ingenuity that transports me to a world beyond and awakens my longing for more and deeper and more real.
Longing also hints at justice and making things right too. It is not merely concerned with pleasure and delight. God-breathed longing wants the good and true to prevail. Longing says "I have a dream." If it is aimed at important things it can launch the trajectory of an entire life and save or heal many others.
So when I am most myself, I am longing.
The problem is: so much of life involves waiting and struggling to turn worthwhile longing into reality. Creation is subject to frustration because of sin. Frustration sidles up to longing and gradually saps its life if one is not vigilant and tenacious. Headway is made or thwarted, and often, if headway is painfully slow, longing becomes anemic or eventually abandoned. A vision dies, sometimes even a God-sent one.
I have found beginning new ministry, ala imagine/northampton begins with vigorous longing and dreaming. It's exciting, even intoxicating to a degree. Life abounds in the idea and almost overwhelming potential of it all. The vision is grand! But you soon learn you need to keep your feet on the ground because the way forward will be tough, strewn with obstacles, frustrations and rabbit-trails galore . . . or just plain waiting to see what God is going to bring into being. Patience will need to be of the one foot in front of the other varieties, and it will feel sometimes like climbing that last 100 feet of Mount Everest with little strength and oxygen left.
In founding at least 5 new ministries, I have seen that for energizing longing to prevail you need a "one-day-at-a-time" perspective.You keep the longing simmering by patient persistence, not expecting too much progress, but not despairing of any either. You notice the steps forward, no matter how small and you expect the progress to be modest, unless God does the unusual. You are in for the duration, and you never stop longing for what could or must be. Gratitude for the smallest openings helps as well.
If the speed forward saps one's longing to trace levels over time he or she will need to take stock with God and let him opt them out or re-fire them.
Ultimately, longing turns dreams into reality when the person entrusted with God-sized longings never lets the progress of today sap the promise of many tomorrows lived in " a long obedience in the same longing of worth." Cheesy, I know, but true.[
Every day when we were off the road, and there were many toward the end, I would wait for news of gigs. I would walk to the band mailbox to check for inquiries about booking a date. I would wait for James, the "famous" one in the group to tell me about a phone call that would open doors. I was miserable most of the time because of the interminable wait and diminishing opportunities over the months.
I have realized over the years that my wiring lends itself to longing especially about what could be, what might be, if only . . . I exhilarate in new beginnings, starting-from-scratch hints of something alive and wonderful, or creating from nothing and seeing new birth. I want to experience the intelligently novel, the startlingly insightful or clever. I want to taste the delight of heaven's freedom and freshness even now. I long for the "you mean it can be this way?" I love being surprised by ingenuity that transports me to a world beyond and awakens my longing for more and deeper and more real.
Longing also hints at justice and making things right too. It is not merely concerned with pleasure and delight. God-breathed longing wants the good and true to prevail. Longing says "I have a dream." If it is aimed at important things it can launch the trajectory of an entire life and save or heal many others.
So when I am most myself, I am longing.
The problem is: so much of life involves waiting and struggling to turn worthwhile longing into reality. Creation is subject to frustration because of sin. Frustration sidles up to longing and gradually saps its life if one is not vigilant and tenacious. Headway is made or thwarted, and often, if headway is painfully slow, longing becomes anemic or eventually abandoned. A vision dies, sometimes even a God-sent one.
I have found beginning new ministry, ala imagine/northampton begins with vigorous longing and dreaming. It's exciting, even intoxicating to a degree. Life abounds in the idea and almost overwhelming potential of it all. The vision is grand! But you soon learn you need to keep your feet on the ground because the way forward will be tough, strewn with obstacles, frustrations and rabbit-trails galore . . . or just plain waiting to see what God is going to bring into being. Patience will need to be of the one foot in front of the other varieties, and it will feel sometimes like climbing that last 100 feet of Mount Everest with little strength and oxygen left.
In founding at least 5 new ministries, I have seen that for energizing longing to prevail you need a "one-day-at-a-time" perspective.You keep the longing simmering by patient persistence, not expecting too much progress, but not despairing of any either. You notice the steps forward, no matter how small and you expect the progress to be modest, unless God does the unusual. You are in for the duration, and you never stop longing for what could or must be. Gratitude for the smallest openings helps as well.
If the speed forward saps one's longing to trace levels over time he or she will need to take stock with God and let him opt them out or re-fire them.
Ultimately, longing turns dreams into reality when the person entrusted with God-sized longings never lets the progress of today sap the promise of many tomorrows lived in " a long obedience in the same longing of worth." Cheesy, I know, but true.[
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Enduring the Ordeal (3 weeks in)
Tomorrow will end the third week since I went airborne from the truck and tore my quadraceps tendon upon landing. The days since have not been full of excruciating pain, although my knee has hurt substantially, especially early on. My recovery process due to God's grace in response to prayer I believe, has actually been rather remarkable. For that I am very grateful and in no way want to sound sniveling by what I am about write.
First a few definitions:
ORDEAL: difficult or painful experience, especially one that tests patience or endurance.
ENDURE: to carry through despite hardships, to suffer patiently without yielding; to bear with tolerance; to toughen.
STEADFAST: unswerving; steady; unwavering; unshakable.
The words above frame for me what my experience has been, what it requires, and what is to be gained by moving through it well, especially in terms of my fit for launching imagine/northampton in a tough place, and through tough times. I need to be toughened in spirit without being hardened in heart.
To explain, I chose the word ordeal because I think it describes my knee injury experience thus far. . . . with one reservation. I realize there are degrees of ordeal involving the intensity of suffering, the duration, and the consequences resulting from having to go through it. From 1-10, I think mine is a 5.
Still, the whole thing has been a painful experience which tests my patience and ability to endure well--by that I mean with integrity, graciousness, humility, faith and courage. I realize unless a person has suffered a substantial injury to the lower back, hips, knees or ankles, he or she cannot deeply appreciate how much we take for granted the ability we have to move about freely with little thought given. With such an injury all routine movements are harder due to pain, crutches, braces and just the need to be careful about doing the most ordinary of movements such as getting dressed, taking a shower, or walking through the house from one place to the next. It all hurts or takes more time and effort.
So there is much to be endured whether I like it or not. My freedom is limited. I must be cared for in the most routine of needs. I have to live with all the extra work Tricia has to do for me above and beyond everything else she has to do in our lives. I can't drive, play drums, sit for long periods (my leg is locked in extension by the brace), or help with the chores I normally do. I must bear all of it with tolerance, suffer patiently, and "carry on through despite the hardships" caused by me, and affecting Tricia. Enduring this injury well is enduring it with grace, flexibility, and laughing at it all sometimes, even when frustrated or tired.
In the end, the outcome I desire to see from enduring this mini-ordeal is my faith and resolve is unwavering and unshakable. I want to be steady toward the vision and mission God has called us to even if the cost is great and the setbacks are frequent. I want to be unswerving, keeping my eyes and heart on the True North that Jesus has called us to. I never want to let adversity tag me as a quitter when the going stays tough. "A long obedience in the same direction," is what I seek to hold fast to, no matter.
Having said the above, I need to finish by documenting 3 tormenters that have constantly tried to poke at me during this ordeal, especially at night or when I fall tired. They come as thoughts seeking to abide in my mind and create unbelief. They lie and distort, looking for an assent of my will and a giving in to fear. Ultimately, they want me to pack it all in, abandon my post, and retreat.
The first is FRUSTRATION. I don't like that I am having to go through any of this. I abhor the physical limits I must submit to until I am well. I feel trapped and blocked at times. Often, I wake up in the morning and the reality of being injured soon reminds me that none of it is going away soon. I must endure it. Also, I have to work through the frustration of having a counseling ministry in disarray right now. I have to start scheduling people in the midst of Physical Therapy appointments and I can't drive myself to any of it--more difficulty. I feel hemmed in and stymied because in a number of ways I am these days. FRUSTRATION seeks to wear me down in irritation and anger. It invites me to the worst kind of self-absorption: entitlement. I should be free to do as I please, when and how I please. Don't slow me down!!!
The second is FEAR. The thoughts begin to whisper to me: If I don't get back to work soon, there will be no money coming in. We'll default on everything. Where will we live? What will we do? People are counting on me to pull my weight. Pretty soon they are joined by reinforcements: The economy is tanking. There's nothing you can do about it. What a lousy time to launch a church! The rest of the team is not even up here and they are struggling as well. What did you get everybody into? What were you thinking? Soon the heavy-hitters come in for the kill: It's too late. Nothing's going to change. You are going to lose everything. You have failed everyone.
Finally, if I am paying attention to the first two, DISCOURAGEMENT drapes its sluggish, bloated body over me, and whines: Oh well, you're too old for this anyway. Your hope just isn't going to work out. Things are going to continue falling apart. Too bad. Nothing ever works out for you, does it? On and on it drones. If I don't wrest my thoughts away at this point I can slip toward depression which I must avoid at all costs. Discouragement wants me to go there so I disappear.
Ultimately, there are all sorts of treasures to learn from this unwanted interruption and I want to learn them all so when the day of full recovery arrives I am toughened in my character for the many challenges that still lie ahead. My injury is a part of this toughening and I submit to it.
.
First a few definitions:
ORDEAL: difficult or painful experience, especially one that tests patience or endurance.
ENDURE: to carry through despite hardships, to suffer patiently without yielding; to bear with tolerance; to toughen.
STEADFAST: unswerving; steady; unwavering; unshakable.
The words above frame for me what my experience has been, what it requires, and what is to be gained by moving through it well, especially in terms of my fit for launching imagine/northampton in a tough place, and through tough times. I need to be toughened in spirit without being hardened in heart.
To explain, I chose the word ordeal because I think it describes my knee injury experience thus far. . . . with one reservation. I realize there are degrees of ordeal involving the intensity of suffering, the duration, and the consequences resulting from having to go through it. From 1-10, I think mine is a 5.
Still, the whole thing has been a painful experience which tests my patience and ability to endure well--by that I mean with integrity, graciousness, humility, faith and courage. I realize unless a person has suffered a substantial injury to the lower back, hips, knees or ankles, he or she cannot deeply appreciate how much we take for granted the ability we have to move about freely with little thought given. With such an injury all routine movements are harder due to pain, crutches, braces and just the need to be careful about doing the most ordinary of movements such as getting dressed, taking a shower, or walking through the house from one place to the next. It all hurts or takes more time and effort.
So there is much to be endured whether I like it or not. My freedom is limited. I must be cared for in the most routine of needs. I have to live with all the extra work Tricia has to do for me above and beyond everything else she has to do in our lives. I can't drive, play drums, sit for long periods (my leg is locked in extension by the brace), or help with the chores I normally do. I must bear all of it with tolerance, suffer patiently, and "carry on through despite the hardships" caused by me, and affecting Tricia. Enduring this injury well is enduring it with grace, flexibility, and laughing at it all sometimes, even when frustrated or tired.
In the end, the outcome I desire to see from enduring this mini-ordeal is my faith and resolve is unwavering and unshakable. I want to be steady toward the vision and mission God has called us to even if the cost is great and the setbacks are frequent. I want to be unswerving, keeping my eyes and heart on the True North that Jesus has called us to. I never want to let adversity tag me as a quitter when the going stays tough. "A long obedience in the same direction," is what I seek to hold fast to, no matter.
Having said the above, I need to finish by documenting 3 tormenters that have constantly tried to poke at me during this ordeal, especially at night or when I fall tired. They come as thoughts seeking to abide in my mind and create unbelief. They lie and distort, looking for an assent of my will and a giving in to fear. Ultimately, they want me to pack it all in, abandon my post, and retreat.
The first is FRUSTRATION. I don't like that I am having to go through any of this. I abhor the physical limits I must submit to until I am well. I feel trapped and blocked at times. Often, I wake up in the morning and the reality of being injured soon reminds me that none of it is going away soon. I must endure it. Also, I have to work through the frustration of having a counseling ministry in disarray right now. I have to start scheduling people in the midst of Physical Therapy appointments and I can't drive myself to any of it--more difficulty. I feel hemmed in and stymied because in a number of ways I am these days. FRUSTRATION seeks to wear me down in irritation and anger. It invites me to the worst kind of self-absorption: entitlement. I should be free to do as I please, when and how I please. Don't slow me down!!!
The second is FEAR. The thoughts begin to whisper to me: If I don't get back to work soon, there will be no money coming in. We'll default on everything. Where will we live? What will we do? People are counting on me to pull my weight. Pretty soon they are joined by reinforcements: The economy is tanking. There's nothing you can do about it. What a lousy time to launch a church! The rest of the team is not even up here and they are struggling as well. What did you get everybody into? What were you thinking? Soon the heavy-hitters come in for the kill: It's too late. Nothing's going to change. You are going to lose everything. You have failed everyone.
Finally, if I am paying attention to the first two, DISCOURAGEMENT drapes its sluggish, bloated body over me, and whines: Oh well, you're too old for this anyway. Your hope just isn't going to work out. Things are going to continue falling apart. Too bad. Nothing ever works out for you, does it? On and on it drones. If I don't wrest my thoughts away at this point I can slip toward depression which I must avoid at all costs. Discouragement wants me to go there so I disappear.
Ultimately, there are all sorts of treasures to learn from this unwanted interruption and I want to learn them all so when the day of full recovery arrives I am toughened in my character for the many challenges that still lie ahead. My injury is a part of this toughening and I submit to it.
.
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