I'll bet you've noticed during certain moments of clarity that life can have an unexpected, unforeseen symmetry sometimes. Things line up just so; the end of something fits its beginning; what you experienced in one context you experience exactly again later, as if bookends.
In five days, Tricia and I will move out of our 3rd floor apartment at 70 Main Street never to reside there again. But we will still keep our offices and the imagineART Gallery at 70 Main Street on the 2nd floor. When we came to Northampton we began in an office on Armory Street owned by the same landlord who owns the 70 Main Street building, but we lived in Sunderland for the first year. Now, we will live in Shutesbury but remain at our office in Northampton.
It's as if God sees it as more vital we work in Northampton than live in Northampton. Our work is not finished here (sometimes it feels it's barely commenced).
Truth be told, we loved living in Sunderland. Living on Main Street in Noho also has had it's benefits, for sure: close proximity to interesting stores and restaurants, having the freedom to walk rather than drive everywhere, getting to know people who live and work in town, and being able to experience some of the life that comes from living in such a vibrant place.
Reality is we've lived half of our married life at a retreat center on the lovely grounds of a church before we headed north to plant imagine/Northampton. The grounds maintained a pastoral feel and pace, at least for us residing toward the back of the property. So going to live on the grounds of Pinebrook Christian Camp will offer a similar pastoral feel. We'll be in the country for sure! Yeah, there'll be 35 minute drive to the office; we'll have to manage our schedules, pack a lunch, stay late for meetings and gallery duty...wait a minute, that sounds like what normal working folks do every day. Hmmm. We've rejoined the "great madding crowd!" We'll negotiate the change.
There'll be adjustments, I know -- some pleasant, some not so. We'll get used to a different rhythm and pace. There'll also be some lovely blessings like Fall in the woods, not being awakened at 3AM by someone saturated with alcohol and "good times" had, not listening to ambulance, firetruck or police car sirens blasting 3-5 times per day (I know they are necessary), and being able to walk in the woods for exercise and communion with God.
Just living in a house again will be refreshing and welcomed. While we've enjoyed our Main Street-in-the-center-of town apartment, and prayed we'd live on Main Street before we came to Noho, we are ready to leave it for someone else to enjoy. We won't own the house, but it will give us a sense of sanctuary and peace because of where it is and because it will be our home for a time. We get to leave the hustle and bustle of our small city for a setting which will bring a needed measure of balance and internal quietness. We might even normalize a bit. Well, that maybe going too far, but we'll find another rhythm to offset our Northampton rhythm.
I think we both look forward to that.
Also, multiple thank you's to Kevin and Janet Williams for offering the possibility in the first place, and the Pinebrook Camp Board for supporting it! And thanks for folks who got the place spruced up after substantial water damage last winter, especially Janet, and Kevin's dad, Dick Williams. I also heard a rumor some unnamed folks chipped in to help as well. Wow! Lastly, we want to thank beforehand the people who'll help us move boxes tomorrow. We are wonderfully graced by your generosity to us!
Five busy days more and the next chapter of our Kingdom journey will begin to be written!
Friday, August 8, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Rounding The Bend Toward Hope.
Proverbs 13:12 avers plainly: "hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." I have experienced the first half of the text excruciatingly in my early 20's, and less so, but still painfully, since the turn of 2014 when it felt the bottom began to drop out of our lives in Northampton.
While certainly not a "perfect storm," the collusion of paying work slowly, but steadily evaporating leading to a deepening debt, and imagine/Northampton not growing - in fact losing folks - made our welfare increasingly worrisome and clearly in jeopardy. With each month, we fell further and further behind financially. Pressure mounted, joined by a growing anxiety, even terror in the deep of the night when we couldn't sleep. When challenged to look at other strategies for solving our problems, I could settle on no consistently clear direction forward given the abiding sense in my spirit we were not to call it quits completely in Northampton. And the spiritual warfare was fierce: obstruction, confusion, accusation, intimidation, feeling adrift and alienated, fatigue, thoughts of ruin, deep shame, spiritual dryness to the point of disengagement and despair. Some days it was just one thing; other days we were bombarded; sometimes there were brief oases of relief, but not for long. We cried out to Jesus often and prayed consistently for solutions.
The worst of it really has been miserable and frightening...and very lonely. Unless you've been there, it's hard to relate. When the slope turns increasingly slippery, whereas before it was moderately challenging, i.e., you still felt your footing was sure, your heart can begin to listen to the sickening insinuations of despair/ radical heartsickness. Those vile thoughts will come. When they pick up the pace and persist, hope can be snuffed faster than you might realize; it depends on how much stability you've gotten used to, even taken for granted. When despair-laced heartsickness settles in because your desire (or even just being able to keep on top of the ordinary responsibilities and routine obligations of life) is increasingly frustrated or turned aside, fear can sink into terror late at night, and despair can endarken even the most intrepid of souls.
However, to give perspective,, I'd be woefully remiss if I overlooked certain friends and brethren who reached out to us in support, counsel, commiserating, prayer and bolstering. The imagine Board met more than once, but also spent personal time walking with us as we wrestled with what frequently felt like impending disaster and ruination. One in particular, has been willing to go many extra miles with me to make a straight path forward. And the Leadership Team of imagine/Northampton, all of whom are also friends, have walked closely with us. Even some pastoral friends in the Pioneer Valley have consistently been available to talk and pray with me; they've initiated contact. Even today I got a phone call from a man of God checking in; yesterday as well. People have let us know through phone calls, emails, unexpected financial gifts, and words of encouragement that we're not forgotten.
So while our 8-month long, dark night of the soul has enshrouded us in spiritual feelings of intense isolation and bewilderment (when people ask what we're going through, I'll often use the word surreal to describe our experience) at times, we have not been isolated.
Thanks be to God and His servants!
The above serves as a long-winded preface to say Tricia and I feel we're beginning to round the bend toward hope. I have to express a little bit of caution in saying so, however. Since this has been one of the toughest legs of our life journey together, I do not want to assume it's going to be smooth sailing from here forward. It won't be. We still have problems to solve regarding more paying work, cutting costs, and working smarter, but we have reason to hope because we are slowly, sometimes painfully slowly (65 is not the new 35 I'm here to tell you), carving out a path forward.
One great to gift us has been our new intern, Emilia Bauer. She's been asking astute questions and putting solutions in place as to how we can be more efficient organizationally, particularly as the ministry of Klesis. It's through Klesis that we will get back on our feet, especially with PLAYMAKER. If imagine grows, we may receive a full salary, but we shouldn't depend on that happening soon. I think it can grow, but that's for later blogpost. Emilia has helped folks grow their business or ministry, and she has experienced personally the ministry God has given us to share. She wants to learn and grow and be effectual in helping the work move forward. We are very grateful for her (and her husband, Ian, who is on-board with the internship arrangement).
A second great gift is our moving to Pinebrook Christian Camp at the invitation of imagine leaders Kevin and Janet Williams and their Board. While we'll have some minor logistical challenges not living very near where we work, they are doable. And living in the country at the camp will be similar to the living at the Center For Renewal Retreat House on the 40-acre property of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Simsbury. We will be able to decompress from the "urban" life on Main Street, and get back to having a place where we can heal plus regain focus. I have loved much of the experience we've had here on Main Street in Northampton. We've met and befriended some lovely people (who we will continue to see) like Bruce and Tamar, or the folks who keep showing up to the imagineART Gallery, and the artists who've graced it's walls. Living on Main Street was right for the time we've been able to do so.
Heading toward hope very much means getting on our feet financially. As digging holes go, we've dug a whopper. We didn't want to. And in hindsight, I think God has been letting us arrive at Desperation Gulch to say: "Enough is enough! Wake up!!!" I realize we let things slide way too far thinking some sort of grand gesture from God, or the miraculous big breakthrough would show up just in the nick of time to set it all to right. Our magnificent Lord is gracious and merciful, but He's a consummate Realist also: to turn things around you need to roll up your sleeves, while trusting Me with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, then hold fast to the hardscrabble faith to get to work!
While we have not had our desire fulfilled such that we're looking at a robust tree of life right in front of us, we can spot a tiny seedling pushing up through the ground as we make changes in some areas of our journey, and stay the course in others. The stifling feeling of being isolated as you drown is not pervading.
So if it makes sense to you and the Holy Spirit:
We need your prayer and any other way you can support our work through imagine and Klesis.
We need you to hire me for a PLAYMAKER, or tell others about it.
We need you to come on a Klesis Listening in Christ Retreat, or better yet, bring a group to do that.
We need you consider joining the mission at imagine/Northampton for at least a year, and help us Help People Discover and Follow the God Who is More Than They Imagine.
We need you to become a patron of the imagineART Gallery. Ask Tricia what that entails: Tricia@imaginenorthampton.org.
Thanks for reading this. Thanks for praying, supporting us, and reading this blog. It all matters.
While certainly not a "perfect storm," the collusion of paying work slowly, but steadily evaporating leading to a deepening debt, and imagine/Northampton not growing - in fact losing folks - made our welfare increasingly worrisome and clearly in jeopardy. With each month, we fell further and further behind financially. Pressure mounted, joined by a growing anxiety, even terror in the deep of the night when we couldn't sleep. When challenged to look at other strategies for solving our problems, I could settle on no consistently clear direction forward given the abiding sense in my spirit we were not to call it quits completely in Northampton. And the spiritual warfare was fierce: obstruction, confusion, accusation, intimidation, feeling adrift and alienated, fatigue, thoughts of ruin, deep shame, spiritual dryness to the point of disengagement and despair. Some days it was just one thing; other days we were bombarded; sometimes there were brief oases of relief, but not for long. We cried out to Jesus often and prayed consistently for solutions.
The worst of it really has been miserable and frightening...and very lonely. Unless you've been there, it's hard to relate. When the slope turns increasingly slippery, whereas before it was moderately challenging, i.e., you still felt your footing was sure, your heart can begin to listen to the sickening insinuations of despair/ radical heartsickness. Those vile thoughts will come. When they pick up the pace and persist, hope can be snuffed faster than you might realize; it depends on how much stability you've gotten used to, even taken for granted. When despair-laced heartsickness settles in because your desire (or even just being able to keep on top of the ordinary responsibilities and routine obligations of life) is increasingly frustrated or turned aside, fear can sink into terror late at night, and despair can endarken even the most intrepid of souls.
However, to give perspective,, I'd be woefully remiss if I overlooked certain friends and brethren who reached out to us in support, counsel, commiserating, prayer and bolstering. The imagine Board met more than once, but also spent personal time walking with us as we wrestled with what frequently felt like impending disaster and ruination. One in particular, has been willing to go many extra miles with me to make a straight path forward. And the Leadership Team of imagine/Northampton, all of whom are also friends, have walked closely with us. Even some pastoral friends in the Pioneer Valley have consistently been available to talk and pray with me; they've initiated contact. Even today I got a phone call from a man of God checking in; yesterday as well. People have let us know through phone calls, emails, unexpected financial gifts, and words of encouragement that we're not forgotten.
So while our 8-month long, dark night of the soul has enshrouded us in spiritual feelings of intense isolation and bewilderment (when people ask what we're going through, I'll often use the word surreal to describe our experience) at times, we have not been isolated.
Thanks be to God and His servants!
______________________________
The above serves as a long-winded preface to say Tricia and I feel we're beginning to round the bend toward hope. I have to express a little bit of caution in saying so, however. Since this has been one of the toughest legs of our life journey together, I do not want to assume it's going to be smooth sailing from here forward. It won't be. We still have problems to solve regarding more paying work, cutting costs, and working smarter, but we have reason to hope because we are slowly, sometimes painfully slowly (65 is not the new 35 I'm here to tell you), carving out a path forward.
One great to gift us has been our new intern, Emilia Bauer. She's been asking astute questions and putting solutions in place as to how we can be more efficient organizationally, particularly as the ministry of Klesis. It's through Klesis that we will get back on our feet, especially with PLAYMAKER. If imagine grows, we may receive a full salary, but we shouldn't depend on that happening soon. I think it can grow, but that's for later blogpost. Emilia has helped folks grow their business or ministry, and she has experienced personally the ministry God has given us to share. She wants to learn and grow and be effectual in helping the work move forward. We are very grateful for her (and her husband, Ian, who is on-board with the internship arrangement).
A second great gift is our moving to Pinebrook Christian Camp at the invitation of imagine leaders Kevin and Janet Williams and their Board. While we'll have some minor logistical challenges not living very near where we work, they are doable. And living in the country at the camp will be similar to the living at the Center For Renewal Retreat House on the 40-acre property of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Simsbury. We will be able to decompress from the "urban" life on Main Street, and get back to having a place where we can heal plus regain focus. I have loved much of the experience we've had here on Main Street in Northampton. We've met and befriended some lovely people (who we will continue to see) like Bruce and Tamar, or the folks who keep showing up to the imagineART Gallery, and the artists who've graced it's walls. Living on Main Street was right for the time we've been able to do so.
Heading toward hope very much means getting on our feet financially. As digging holes go, we've dug a whopper. We didn't want to. And in hindsight, I think God has been letting us arrive at Desperation Gulch to say: "Enough is enough! Wake up!!!" I realize we let things slide way too far thinking some sort of grand gesture from God, or the miraculous big breakthrough would show up just in the nick of time to set it all to right. Our magnificent Lord is gracious and merciful, but He's a consummate Realist also: to turn things around you need to roll up your sleeves, while trusting Me with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, then hold fast to the hardscrabble faith to get to work!
While we have not had our desire fulfilled such that we're looking at a robust tree of life right in front of us, we can spot a tiny seedling pushing up through the ground as we make changes in some areas of our journey, and stay the course in others. The stifling feeling of being isolated as you drown is not pervading.
So if it makes sense to you and the Holy Spirit:
We need your prayer and any other way you can support our work through imagine and Klesis.
We need you to hire me for a PLAYMAKER, or tell others about it.
We need you to come on a Klesis Listening in Christ Retreat, or better yet, bring a group to do that.
We need you consider joining the mission at imagine/Northampton for at least a year, and help us Help People Discover and Follow the God Who is More Than They Imagine.
We need you to become a patron of the imagineART Gallery. Ask Tricia what that entails: Tricia@imaginenorthampton.org.
Thanks for reading this. Thanks for praying, supporting us, and reading this blog. It all matters.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Challenging the Desiccating Higgledy-Piggledy.
I've been meaning to write for awhile. But writing at all takes presence and peace of mind which has been hard to maintain in the unrelenting higgledy-piggledy. My mind quickly fogs in the stress which has inhabited most of 2014, much of the time. To write, at least for me, requires stress be held at bay. Otherwise, my ADD hitches to the stress train and into the fog we race.
Our scenario for weeks been set by 2 questions: Will we be able to stay here in Northampton, or will we be forced to go?" Every day presents differing degrees of confusion regarding those questions from experiencing brief respites to "it's all over; let's get packing and cut our losses while we still can."
Both of us hate the emotional turmoil to be honest.
There is some clarity. We will move out of our apartment on Main Street by mid-August. The plan is to move to a house on the property of Pinebrook Christian Camp in Shutesbury about 40 minutes away. Kevin and Janet Williams who've been directors of the camp for 18 years and are members of imagine/Northampton (and the Leadership Team) have graciously offered it to us, and their Board has agreed. We will be able to catch our breath, have some room to get back on our feet financially (a great need as it's been really scary) and refocus our energies toward rebuilding.
The above move presupposes we keep the imagine offices and the imagine ART Gallery on Main Street so we're not completely displaced from the city. That way we can maintain our presence in Northampton and pursue the Kingdom mission we were called to. Our new living arrangement will be temporary until we've stabilized financially and regained our bearings. We want to come back and live in or near Northampton, but not on Main Street.
The option we're undertaking also presupposes:
1. The imagine/Northampton Church grows numerically. If it does, it will need to leave the offices and find another space. That's good, especially if we stay in Northampton. There is commitment to do so on the part of the leadership.
2. Klesis must grow and expand the ministries it offers to support Tricia and me financially: more PLAYMAKER Profiles of Motivational Design; more Listening in Christ Retreats for Groups and Immersion Retreats for individuals and couples; more counseling and spiritual direction sessions. We can also take pressure off our small church to support us. It has not really been able to since the beginning of 2014.
3. Develop Patrons for the imagine ART Gallery so we can expand the gallery's outreach and better meet it's costs, especially rent of the space. Maybe some of you would be interested; let's talk.
4. Expanding our donor base for the church, as well as for Klesis.
5. Cutting and holding down costs across the board.
If we can do all of those things by God's grace and supply we have a fighting chance of sustaining and growing the ministries. It would be fairly easy to call it a day given what we've endured. A trusted friend of mine and a Klesis Board member has graciously offered office space in another town. But each time I've considered it, my heart struggles. So much of what has been happening feels as if we're being forced from here against our wills. Sure, we've made mistakes, been dreamers sometimes, and not been as proactive as we've needed to be at times -- especially me -- but my heart kept saying "no" as if I'd stepped out of phase with my purpose for a minute. I've not fought hard enough in the places where I'm uncomfortable, but that shouldn't determine whether we leave or stay.
So I'm beginning to fight. The way I'm doing it is by leaving my comfort zone and advocating for what we need in a way I never have. I did it twice last week and plan to do more this coming week. We won't have if we don't ask. If I venture little, I gain the same - unacceptable.
Also, our landlord has graciously offered to lower the office rent by 25%. That's substantial. He wants us to stay, especially after he attended the last Arts Night Out and saw the space teeming with guests. In his own words: "I want to see the church survive in Northampton. I think it is a fine addition to the downtown." He is not a Christian.
Some friends of ours in the area will be providing monthly support which will help take the edge of. And, we are waiting for tax money our tax preparer found we are entitled to, but had not taken previously. We are also waiting for a state tax refund which will help.
We could really use your prevailing prayer on our behalf, but also your considering giving to the mission, either Klesis or imagine, if you haven't. Contact me and we can talk about it. If you are giving, stick with us until we clear these hurdles. If there are others you think would support what we're about, let them and me know so I can tell them about what God is up to here. I'd love to do that.
There is much more to do; the imagine/Northampton folks need to step up, and Klesis needs to step up. Of course, unless God builds the house we labor in vain, but I'm not convinced He has left us to our own puny building skills.
Our scenario for weeks been set by 2 questions: Will we be able to stay here in Northampton, or will we be forced to go?" Every day presents differing degrees of confusion regarding those questions from experiencing brief respites to "it's all over; let's get packing and cut our losses while we still can."
Both of us hate the emotional turmoil to be honest.
There is some clarity. We will move out of our apartment on Main Street by mid-August. The plan is to move to a house on the property of Pinebrook Christian Camp in Shutesbury about 40 minutes away. Kevin and Janet Williams who've been directors of the camp for 18 years and are members of imagine/Northampton (and the Leadership Team) have graciously offered it to us, and their Board has agreed. We will be able to catch our breath, have some room to get back on our feet financially (a great need as it's been really scary) and refocus our energies toward rebuilding.
The above move presupposes we keep the imagine offices and the imagine ART Gallery on Main Street so we're not completely displaced from the city. That way we can maintain our presence in Northampton and pursue the Kingdom mission we were called to. Our new living arrangement will be temporary until we've stabilized financially and regained our bearings. We want to come back and live in or near Northampton, but not on Main Street.
The option we're undertaking also presupposes:
1. The imagine/Northampton Church grows numerically. If it does, it will need to leave the offices and find another space. That's good, especially if we stay in Northampton. There is commitment to do so on the part of the leadership.
2. Klesis must grow and expand the ministries it offers to support Tricia and me financially: more PLAYMAKER Profiles of Motivational Design; more Listening in Christ Retreats for Groups and Immersion Retreats for individuals and couples; more counseling and spiritual direction sessions. We can also take pressure off our small church to support us. It has not really been able to since the beginning of 2014.
3. Develop Patrons for the imagine ART Gallery so we can expand the gallery's outreach and better meet it's costs, especially rent of the space. Maybe some of you would be interested; let's talk.
4. Expanding our donor base for the church, as well as for Klesis.
5. Cutting and holding down costs across the board.
If we can do all of those things by God's grace and supply we have a fighting chance of sustaining and growing the ministries. It would be fairly easy to call it a day given what we've endured. A trusted friend of mine and a Klesis Board member has graciously offered office space in another town. But each time I've considered it, my heart struggles. So much of what has been happening feels as if we're being forced from here against our wills. Sure, we've made mistakes, been dreamers sometimes, and not been as proactive as we've needed to be at times -- especially me -- but my heart kept saying "no" as if I'd stepped out of phase with my purpose for a minute. I've not fought hard enough in the places where I'm uncomfortable, but that shouldn't determine whether we leave or stay.
So I'm beginning to fight. The way I'm doing it is by leaving my comfort zone and advocating for what we need in a way I never have. I did it twice last week and plan to do more this coming week. We won't have if we don't ask. If I venture little, I gain the same - unacceptable.
Also, our landlord has graciously offered to lower the office rent by 25%. That's substantial. He wants us to stay, especially after he attended the last Arts Night Out and saw the space teeming with guests. In his own words: "I want to see the church survive in Northampton. I think it is a fine addition to the downtown." He is not a Christian.
Some friends of ours in the area will be providing monthly support which will help take the edge of. And, we are waiting for tax money our tax preparer found we are entitled to, but had not taken previously. We are also waiting for a state tax refund which will help.
We could really use your prevailing prayer on our behalf, but also your considering giving to the mission, either Klesis or imagine, if you haven't. Contact me and we can talk about it. If you are giving, stick with us until we clear these hurdles. If there are others you think would support what we're about, let them and me know so I can tell them about what God is up to here. I'd love to do that.
There is much more to do; the imagine/Northampton folks need to step up, and Klesis needs to step up. Of course, unless God builds the house we labor in vain, but I'm not convinced He has left us to our own puny building skills.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Experiencing The Fine Freedom Of Listening Yesterday.
I have been practicing listening prayer for almost 30 years. Twenty of those years were at the Center For Renewal in Simsbury, CT where we lived, raised a family and served the Kingdom of God. Yesterday, I was once again at the CFR co-leading a Klesis Listening in Christ Immersion Retreat with Tricia.
In the morning I took time to listen and journal; the two spiritual disciplines go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned. I've made it practice to do so every time we've led a retreat since moving to Northampton in 2008.
Yesterday while journaling what I was hearing God say to me, I noticed something striking about a difference between practicing this most intimate spiritual discipline here and when I'm so doing in Northampton. Let me give you a little feel for what listening prayer is often like for me in Northampton with a few notable exceptions. Most of the time, I feel as though the "spiritual air" is jammed with static; not much is getting through without patience and persevering. It's often just a struggle to focus enough to detect the "still, small voice of the Spirit. Having fairly challenging ADD doesn't help, but I brought that deficit with me from Simsbury. I didn't "contract" it in Noho.
Occasionally, what God says to me flows rather smoothly sans the struggle, or I'll have a short season when the dissonance seems at bay. More often, I begin a time of listening not knowing if I'll be able to hear from God because it's just a struggle here. I know God will speak as He will speak, and when He chooses to do so; I don't assume He's at my beck and call. But a consistent difference between what I experience here and in Simsbury at the CFR exists.
Specifically, the last few years while leading retreats there I begin with a question for God and it feels as if the pipeline just opens. I don't have to labor-- His words seem to flow freely and the gaps are few. God speaks to me there not as a flood, but as a steady stream, recognizable s from Him and without me having to labor.
As I thought about it I wondered if perhaps my apparent "ease" of listening has to do with the CFR's decade's-long focus on prayer, contemplating who God is; seeking Christ and His ways, listening to Him in the Scriptures and the Spirit, and last, but not least, consistently desiring and teaching intimacy with Jesus. I know this of folks still there who carry forth this work with passion and dedication. I've been privileged to serve with some of them as friends and gifted partners in this work. Such a desire to know Him intimately as much as we can, and serve His Kingdom ways appears to influence the producing of spiritual fruit and life.
I realized yesterday as well when praying has settled over a particular location for many seasons, peace and passion for praying abides. It's as if prayer "saturates" the spiritual atmosphere much in the same way that for rain to fall in a particular place, it has to saturate the air with moisture. Then, there is the notion in communities around the world that God seems to set apart certain places as wellsprings of prayer and Presence. While I know His ultimate abode is not settled here and will not be until the new heaven and the new earth are joined once and for all (Revelation 21 & 22) after Christ puts all dominion under His sovereign rule, there is consistent evidence of what the Celtic Christians termed "thin places" where it seems His Presence lingers and fructive spiritual life springs forth for a period, maybe even decades. Whatever the true dynamic proves to be, I find a consistently settling of mind and spirit when I'm at the CFR Retreat House and sojourning alive and well without dissonance, drag, and struggle for a bit.
In the morning I took time to listen and journal; the two spiritual disciplines go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned. I've made it practice to do so every time we've led a retreat since moving to Northampton in 2008.
Yesterday while journaling what I was hearing God say to me, I noticed something striking about a difference between practicing this most intimate spiritual discipline here and when I'm so doing in Northampton. Let me give you a little feel for what listening prayer is often like for me in Northampton with a few notable exceptions. Most of the time, I feel as though the "spiritual air" is jammed with static; not much is getting through without patience and persevering. It's often just a struggle to focus enough to detect the "still, small voice of the Spirit. Having fairly challenging ADD doesn't help, but I brought that deficit with me from Simsbury. I didn't "contract" it in Noho.
Occasionally, what God says to me flows rather smoothly sans the struggle, or I'll have a short season when the dissonance seems at bay. More often, I begin a time of listening not knowing if I'll be able to hear from God because it's just a struggle here. I know God will speak as He will speak, and when He chooses to do so; I don't assume He's at my beck and call. But a consistent difference between what I experience here and in Simsbury at the CFR exists.
Specifically, the last few years while leading retreats there I begin with a question for God and it feels as if the pipeline just opens. I don't have to labor-- His words seem to flow freely and the gaps are few. God speaks to me there not as a flood, but as a steady stream, recognizable s from Him and without me having to labor.
As I thought about it I wondered if perhaps my apparent "ease" of listening has to do with the CFR's decade's-long focus on prayer, contemplating who God is; seeking Christ and His ways, listening to Him in the Scriptures and the Spirit, and last, but not least, consistently desiring and teaching intimacy with Jesus. I know this of folks still there who carry forth this work with passion and dedication. I've been privileged to serve with some of them as friends and gifted partners in this work. Such a desire to know Him intimately as much as we can, and serve His Kingdom ways appears to influence the producing of spiritual fruit and life.
I realized yesterday as well when praying has settled over a particular location for many seasons, peace and passion for praying abides. It's as if prayer "saturates" the spiritual atmosphere much in the same way that for rain to fall in a particular place, it has to saturate the air with moisture. Then, there is the notion in communities around the world that God seems to set apart certain places as wellsprings of prayer and Presence. While I know His ultimate abode is not settled here and will not be until the new heaven and the new earth are joined once and for all (Revelation 21 & 22) after Christ puts all dominion under His sovereign rule, there is consistent evidence of what the Celtic Christians termed "thin places" where it seems His Presence lingers and fructive spiritual life springs forth for a period, maybe even decades. Whatever the true dynamic proves to be, I find a consistently settling of mind and spirit when I'm at the CFR Retreat House and sojourning alive and well without dissonance, drag, and struggle for a bit.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
A Spring of "Awakenings" in the Barren Higgledy-Piggledy.
(definition: higgledy-piggledy in a confused, disordered or random manner.)
Those of you who've been reading my sparsely posted of late blog will recall I have been going through a pretty rough patch spiritually and emotionally. In spiritual direction terms it has felt a time of desolation with small oases of consolation to varying degrees. Tricia and I have not liked it to say the very least. I have lived a higgledy-piggledy existence since late January because a variety of problems and pressures crowded in. We've had to walk through maddening confusion, and wrestle with a forlorn barrenness pervading and interrupting our peace. And our hope endured a persistent whittling. At the same time, I must say this barren higgledy-piggledy caused us to fight back with prayer, talking to people we trust, and grasping onto faith as if a life raft. We weren't passive, we were just plain worn down by the relentless dissonance and building uncertainty.
To my delight, last night I experienced a fresh spring of awakenings liberating me spiritually! This unbinding refreshing came in the form of Linn Bower's Artist Reception at the imagine ART Gallery and Northampton's Arts Night Out. I knew her work was special as Tricia hung it masterfully in the gallery, and we could live in its midst for a few days. There is a gravitas to her paintings, a settled "Old World" feel lending a serenity to our space.
Linn calls her exhibit Awakenings. Without overstating the case, I think, both Tricia and I realized as we were talking about what happened at the end of the evening that our resolve to keep the gallery rather than leave Northampton was awakened. I haven't been able to embrace God wanted us to close up shop and head out from here. What helped spark our awakening was when our landlord and his wife came into the gallery (I had invited him because he's an art collector and Linn's work fits genres he collects) and was blown away by the number of people there: what he heard them say about the gallery, including the professional quality of Tricia's and Eslie's food; the sheer energy in the space as it filled, and the quality of the art. People without prompting often say not only this is their favorite gallery, but it consistently, in their opinion, has the best art in town. He left saying we must keep this space, and he would help us find a more affordable space for us to live. What landlord does that?
Both Tricia and I could see through the barren higgledy-piggledy at the end of the night. The imagine ART Gallery is the most impacting missional "outreach" imagine/Northampton currently offers here. There were a few people short of 200 guests with us last night. And, even better, more of them are asking what kind of church we are. Jim LaMontagne was "corralled" by Linn and a few of her artist friends. They peppered him with questions about the church. Another friend of Linn's told Tricia he was amazed by the sheer grace and hospitality he saw poured out, including how she handled an inebriated and homeless man we know who came up for the food. He saw Tricia treat him gently and respectfully, but with authority as well.
You really would have to hear what we hear now all the time about the imagine ART Gallery. It's unlike anything we've ever experienced. Remember, many if not most of these folks would not call themselves Christian. Many are spiritual, but do not embrace Christ as their Savior or Lord. Yet, He is moving them in the space through art and His Presence. They know it's different and they know we believe. It blesses them because they tell us; they don't it's Him. Sometimes this all feels a little surreal to us, but we are excited by the possibilities which seem to be opening
In sum, I can't say with absolute assurance the joyful awakening we clearly felt last night is truly a Kingdom breakthrough, but we know we felt a subtle and palpable shift forward as if a spiritual barrier had been breached and our many, many prayers for deliverance since January were beginning to be answered. I certainly hope so because we've been pretty tired and discouraged feeling as if we were going to have to endure a substantial and costly failure at this stage of life. We long to stay the course with this mission in Northampton. I have never felt right about leaving now. I've told folks I feel as if I'm being forced by an unseen and evil adversary, and against my will. Imagine's Leadership Team has had consistent dialogue over what to do. I have felt something is just not right even when a reasonable assertion would be "it's time to scale down, cut back, and move on." Inside I'd being screaming "NO!" No one else on the team really wants to have no presence in Northampton. We're all just trying to discern the handwriting on the wall if it's there. I don't believe it is, but I know we must grow and become sustainable practically.
The barren higgledy-piggledy stems form the stress, frustration, and confusion which abides as a result of imagine's recurring need for more income to flow in consistently, i.e., more billable work for me (double it), and more imagine donors, including patrons of the imagine ART Gallery (triple it). The church needs to grow to triple it's size as well to be consistently sustainable in Northampton.We have had very faithful donors since we've been in town, even before, but they can't uphold this mission on their own. Also, if Tricia and I can't pay our bills our entire lives would be upended...talk about stress, even terror.
At any rate, it feels wonderful to feel fully alive and last night awakened us a bit to just that. Yup, there is much to do, but we have renewed energy to do it. Especially if God has opened a way to proceed. I earnestly desire it to be so.
Those of you who've been reading my sparsely posted of late blog will recall I have been going through a pretty rough patch spiritually and emotionally. In spiritual direction terms it has felt a time of desolation with small oases of consolation to varying degrees. Tricia and I have not liked it to say the very least. I have lived a higgledy-piggledy existence since late January because a variety of problems and pressures crowded in. We've had to walk through maddening confusion, and wrestle with a forlorn barrenness pervading and interrupting our peace. And our hope endured a persistent whittling. At the same time, I must say this barren higgledy-piggledy caused us to fight back with prayer, talking to people we trust, and grasping onto faith as if a life raft. We weren't passive, we were just plain worn down by the relentless dissonance and building uncertainty.
To my delight, last night I experienced a fresh spring of awakenings liberating me spiritually! This unbinding refreshing came in the form of Linn Bower's Artist Reception at the imagine ART Gallery and Northampton's Arts Night Out. I knew her work was special as Tricia hung it masterfully in the gallery, and we could live in its midst for a few days. There is a gravitas to her paintings, a settled "Old World" feel lending a serenity to our space.
Linn calls her exhibit Awakenings. Without overstating the case, I think, both Tricia and I realized as we were talking about what happened at the end of the evening that our resolve to keep the gallery rather than leave Northampton was awakened. I haven't been able to embrace God wanted us to close up shop and head out from here. What helped spark our awakening was when our landlord and his wife came into the gallery (I had invited him because he's an art collector and Linn's work fits genres he collects) and was blown away by the number of people there: what he heard them say about the gallery, including the professional quality of Tricia's and Eslie's food; the sheer energy in the space as it filled, and the quality of the art. People without prompting often say not only this is their favorite gallery, but it consistently, in their opinion, has the best art in town. He left saying we must keep this space, and he would help us find a more affordable space for us to live. What landlord does that?
Both Tricia and I could see through the barren higgledy-piggledy at the end of the night. The imagine ART Gallery is the most impacting missional "outreach" imagine/Northampton currently offers here. There were a few people short of 200 guests with us last night. And, even better, more of them are asking what kind of church we are. Jim LaMontagne was "corralled" by Linn and a few of her artist friends. They peppered him with questions about the church. Another friend of Linn's told Tricia he was amazed by the sheer grace and hospitality he saw poured out, including how she handled an inebriated and homeless man we know who came up for the food. He saw Tricia treat him gently and respectfully, but with authority as well.
You really would have to hear what we hear now all the time about the imagine ART Gallery. It's unlike anything we've ever experienced. Remember, many if not most of these folks would not call themselves Christian. Many are spiritual, but do not embrace Christ as their Savior or Lord. Yet, He is moving them in the space through art and His Presence. They know it's different and they know we believe. It blesses them because they tell us; they don't it's Him. Sometimes this all feels a little surreal to us, but we are excited by the possibilities which seem to be opening
In sum, I can't say with absolute assurance the joyful awakening we clearly felt last night is truly a Kingdom breakthrough, but we know we felt a subtle and palpable shift forward as if a spiritual barrier had been breached and our many, many prayers for deliverance since January were beginning to be answered. I certainly hope so because we've been pretty tired and discouraged feeling as if we were going to have to endure a substantial and costly failure at this stage of life. We long to stay the course with this mission in Northampton. I have never felt right about leaving now. I've told folks I feel as if I'm being forced by an unseen and evil adversary, and against my will. Imagine's Leadership Team has had consistent dialogue over what to do. I have felt something is just not right even when a reasonable assertion would be "it's time to scale down, cut back, and move on." Inside I'd being screaming "NO!" No one else on the team really wants to have no presence in Northampton. We're all just trying to discern the handwriting on the wall if it's there. I don't believe it is, but I know we must grow and become sustainable practically.
The barren higgledy-piggledy stems form the stress, frustration, and confusion which abides as a result of imagine's recurring need for more income to flow in consistently, i.e., more billable work for me (double it), and more imagine donors, including patrons of the imagine ART Gallery (triple it). The church needs to grow to triple it's size as well to be consistently sustainable in Northampton.We have had very faithful donors since we've been in town, even before, but they can't uphold this mission on their own. Also, if Tricia and I can't pay our bills our entire lives would be upended...talk about stress, even terror.
At any rate, it feels wonderful to feel fully alive and last night awakened us a bit to just that. Yup, there is much to do, but we have renewed energy to do it. Especially if God has opened a way to proceed. I earnestly desire it to be so.
Friday, May 23, 2014
More Questions Than Answers Right Now And That's Not Good.
If you read this blog regularly you'll have noticed I'm not writing much these days. I'm experiencing a stubborn bit of writer's block. I have little passion or ideas for it.
I know why.
It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.
I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.
Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.
At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.
Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?
Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.
And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.
Who knows...
I know why.
It's because things have been radically out of whack since early January. I'm convinced the whole experience is a spiritual issue, but also related to a stubborn problem we're dealing with which threatens to upend our lives here.
I've tried three times to write about what this block feels like, but the words clot and my mind fades to blah. I feel constipated emotionally. I'm confused, sometimes bewildered by the unwelcome experience, and fear creeps in unwanted although less so than a few months ago. The future right now is more uncertain than I ever remember. And there's an unnerving "quietness" pervading my psyche when I pay attention. It doesn't feel good like the "peace that passes understanding" might. It feels like the cruel calm before our lives are utterly upended and changed against our will; like the bottom is going to fall out from under us and we'll be engulfed to be no more - when we are deep in the fear part of it anyway.
Curiously, though, I'm not depressed. I know what that vile "black dog" feels like having been enshrouded for 5 months in the middle of 1995. This 5 month experience feels more like "get ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever faced." It's eerie as if we're living on borrowed time before being overrun. I've never felt as such before because I've never walked this particular emotional landscape before where no real shape is in view except a looming deadline.
At the same time, I'm not sitting around passively waiting for disaster to overtake us like a tsunami. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to turn things around, stabilize, and get back on Terra firma. Because of the nature of our struggle I have to do everything I can, as much as I can, as often as I can. So far my efforts are not turning much around, but there are bits of progress. Just nowhere near enough. And I can't just do nothing. I'm trying new things and going back to work I'd begun a few decades ago. That part feels good, but is not substantial enough to be a solution ...yet anyway.
Sometimes it feels to both Tricia and me as if God is testing us more deeply than ever our ability to trust him where we are most vulnerable and the stakes are the highest. Other times, the whole experience feels surreal as if our lives are just out of phase existentially and we don't know how to get them back in phase. We have no means to do so. Something is just off; just not right, and we can't put our finger on exactly what it is. It's stubbornly illusive. At the same time, one way or another we're holding fast to God: praying much with vehemence, and working all the time to believe He is not leading us into ruin. Where else can we go?
Sadly, I'm not doing justice to what this dilemma is like. I'm just not able to capture here in words what our current experience feels like. But I'll tell you I never want to be here again that's for sure. The stakes are way too high and so far we appear to have very little substantial influence over our circumstances. There's too much coming at us from too many directions.
And we're running out of time it seems. If the problem doesn't turn around and soon our lives will change beyond our control or so it very much appears right now.
Who knows...
Saturday, April 5, 2014
On A Path Back To PLAYMAKER.
If you live long enough so you've had the blessing of learning the spiritual disciplines of noticing and reflecting, you'll recognize this life of ours can take peculiar twists, switches and turn-backs. There seems no straight line from birth to death for many of us, if not most of us.
In my case one of the most unforeseen is a recent mini-turn-back to a previously well-worn path called PLAYMAKER. Over three decades ago at the leaving of my stalled career as a professional jazz drummer, I was within days invited onto the path culminating in PLAYMAKER. Working for a company called People Management, at the time headquartered in Simsbury, CT, I would embark on a new journey learning how to recognize people's MAP (Motivated Abilities Pattern), and help them make informed decisions about career choice, career path, or job fit. I'd never been in the business world before, but had the ability to analyze, see patterns and write MAP reports. I also found on this path the ability to help folks interpret and apply the MAP to career or job fit.
I traveled the MAP path for 10 years working with many hundreds of clients from all walks of life and all over the country.
At the terminus of those 10 years, I was summoned onto another, albeit similar, path I'd just traveled. I (with Tricia) discerned a call to full-time ministry we'd call Klesis. As part of that call, I'd continue to offer gifts analyses, but would call it PLAYMAKER Profile. In fact, I focused primarily on PLAYMAKER in the first months. As the path unfolded with clarity, it would include making PLAYMAKERS for people in addition to counseling, leading retreats, and offering spiritual direction. I'd traverse this path for 17 years, and did more than a few PLAYMAKERS along the journey.
In 2007, the path took a turn toward Northampton where we'd plant a small church called imagine/Northampton. In order to support the effort and help provide for us, I'd continue on the path of offering counseling, leading some Listening in Christ retreats, and offering spiritual direction. This leg of the path would include doing 10-20 PLAYMAKERS, but with no real momentum in that direction. Although I have to admit I rarely talked about them to anyone, even in counseling, or in the church. Not sure why, save my central passion was imagine.
Just recently, we (Tricia and I) discerned signs our path is veering back toward doing more PLAYMAKERS; in fact, perhaps as a central focus or at least a major focus. It's been said necessity is the mother of invention, but in my case necessity now is the mother of returning, at least partially. Because of the persisting and serious financial challenges we're wrestling with, my focus has to change toward widening the path to do this kind of work again. The Holy Spirit seems to have opened the way recently with 6 new opportunities to do them. Such a cluster of opportunity has not happened in many years. Therefore, I see it as a beckoning. I'm also talking with someone who has offered to help me think with a more business perspective about it. I'm very open to the proposition fully recognizing I'm not a businessman, but if this is part of, or all of the path I'm to journey in conjunction with imagine/Northampton or apart from it, I have to be seriously professional. I've never really tried business-wise.
After tomorrow, I hope to have a clearer view of the path to which I'm being summoned. One way or the other, it seems I'm stepping back on a path to PLAYMAKER.
These last 6 months have been trying and unsettling as if the ground is shifting increasingly under the path we've been on; no longer does the way forward look clear and sure. I don't like this feeling at all, but it's hard to shake given the abiding, foggy uncertainty we've lived with since the turn of the year. Our current path has to change in some way.
Stay tuned.
In my case one of the most unforeseen is a recent mini-turn-back to a previously well-worn path called PLAYMAKER. Over three decades ago at the leaving of my stalled career as a professional jazz drummer, I was within days invited onto the path culminating in PLAYMAKER. Working for a company called People Management, at the time headquartered in Simsbury, CT, I would embark on a new journey learning how to recognize people's MAP (Motivated Abilities Pattern), and help them make informed decisions about career choice, career path, or job fit. I'd never been in the business world before, but had the ability to analyze, see patterns and write MAP reports. I also found on this path the ability to help folks interpret and apply the MAP to career or job fit.
I traveled the MAP path for 10 years working with many hundreds of clients from all walks of life and all over the country.
At the terminus of those 10 years, I was summoned onto another, albeit similar, path I'd just traveled. I (with Tricia) discerned a call to full-time ministry we'd call Klesis. As part of that call, I'd continue to offer gifts analyses, but would call it PLAYMAKER Profile. In fact, I focused primarily on PLAYMAKER in the first months. As the path unfolded with clarity, it would include making PLAYMAKERS for people in addition to counseling, leading retreats, and offering spiritual direction. I'd traverse this path for 17 years, and did more than a few PLAYMAKERS along the journey.
In 2007, the path took a turn toward Northampton where we'd plant a small church called imagine/Northampton. In order to support the effort and help provide for us, I'd continue on the path of offering counseling, leading some Listening in Christ retreats, and offering spiritual direction. This leg of the path would include doing 10-20 PLAYMAKERS, but with no real momentum in that direction. Although I have to admit I rarely talked about them to anyone, even in counseling, or in the church. Not sure why, save my central passion was imagine.
Just recently, we (Tricia and I) discerned signs our path is veering back toward doing more PLAYMAKERS; in fact, perhaps as a central focus or at least a major focus. It's been said necessity is the mother of invention, but in my case necessity now is the mother of returning, at least partially. Because of the persisting and serious financial challenges we're wrestling with, my focus has to change toward widening the path to do this kind of work again. The Holy Spirit seems to have opened the way recently with 6 new opportunities to do them. Such a cluster of opportunity has not happened in many years. Therefore, I see it as a beckoning. I'm also talking with someone who has offered to help me think with a more business perspective about it. I'm very open to the proposition fully recognizing I'm not a businessman, but if this is part of, or all of the path I'm to journey in conjunction with imagine/Northampton or apart from it, I have to be seriously professional. I've never really tried business-wise.
After tomorrow, I hope to have a clearer view of the path to which I'm being summoned. One way or the other, it seems I'm stepping back on a path to PLAYMAKER.
These last 6 months have been trying and unsettling as if the ground is shifting increasingly under the path we've been on; no longer does the way forward look clear and sure. I don't like this feeling at all, but it's hard to shake given the abiding, foggy uncertainty we've lived with since the turn of the year. Our current path has to change in some way.
Stay tuned.
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