I have the rare privilege today of taking care of my wife, Tricia, as she recovers from flu . Doesn't happen very much. And I would be shamefully lame at this if it wasn't for her example. She has taught me everything I know about care-giving. I have watched her for 35+ years. She has become one of my heroes in this life. I mean that from my core. As I said recently, she is a Proverbs 31 woman and then some!
God has lavished someone like me with a woman of extraordinary beauty, talent and the fierce heart of a redemptive lioness. She has been a creative and dedicated mother to our 3 children. She never tired of it, even when tested to the limit. I have never seen anyone so resourceful and with such a heart for blessing her kids. It never wanes. She was and is relentless in trying to help them flourish. Now I get to watch her do the same for our two wonderful grandchildren. They are very blessed to have her for a "Geema."
I have always been a bit in awe of her tireless ability to work whether she was passionate about what she was doing or the task was understood to be part of her duty. Truth be told, she can work me into the ground, and has. And yet, she holds no pride about it. She just does what has to be done, and because she is wired by God to excel she always strives to do it beyond well.
Her relationship with Jesus pre-dated mine, and she is one of those people who has a sustained an abiding affection for him. She really loves and trusts him at the deepest places of her heart. I have known only a handful of people with the depth of her love for God. It has been that way since the beginning of her relationship with him, and I have never seen it fade. Her living faith has given me not only an example, but the freedom to seek such a relationship with him over the years. I have not been able to get there consistently, but at times, I have known what she lives.
Perhaps the most captivating gift she has given me over the years has been her willingness to walk beside me when we have had to go through the Valley of Tears (there have been many of those experiences), when I have chased after windmills and led us down rabbit trails (lot's of those too),, or when I have been unwilling to lead the way in situations where I was afraid. She never left my side. She never stopped gently calling out the man in me. She was willing to say hard things to me. She told the truth and loved me nevertheless.
I see now that Tricia is one of the most loyal people I have ever known. She exhibits it with actions more than words however unassuming. She never quits trying to help, trying to lighten the load or encourage, or step in to carry the burden when others couldn't or wouldn't. I have seen her do this over and over with: me, her parents, our kids, teammates, and the friends she has loved. I have also seen it with the many people she has counseled and led to healing and freedom, some so abused and broken that it took years to get there. It has been remarkable to me.
To my joy, she has taught me repeatedly about beauty given as a gift whether it be through a gourmet meal that took 3 days to prepare, a stunningly beautiful table to serve it, or a drab and tired looking retreat center transformed over a few years into a remarkable place of healing and listening and peace in the midst of gardens and flowers and art. To her, it has been how she best loves others: through beauty, graciousness and extra effort. She taught me that making the extra effort to create beauty and quality is alway worth it.
So Tricia is a hero to me because of her heart lived out. Her courage and forthrightness has chastened me. Her authenticity has been a quiet standard for me. Her passion for Jesus, for those she loves, and for life itself has enticed my passion and given it credibility. My love for her only grows as we head into the last quarter of our race home together.
Point of fact, God's unexpected love for me was so far beyond what I could imagine on the night of my conversion, when alone in a VW bug on I-84 heading back from Farmington, CT to Boston in 1972, I told him that if he would give me Tricia, I would give him, me and he said quietly, "Done." has felt more and more like the defining moment in my life. I became his--a mystery whose fullness is yet to be revealed--and received a blessing in Tricia beyond anything I had ever experienced.
To be honest, I have to say what I have been able to give him in me pales in comparison to what he gave me that night and everyday since in her. I have been given a beautiful, living pearl. I am truly a blessed and rich man.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It's All in How You Sees It.
As I hobble (due to crutches), through our eighth month of launching imagine/northampton this old man is coming to recognize with increasing amplitude that how I think about what I am experiencing from one day to the next determines the trajectory of my attitude. That trajectory defines the quality of my fidelity to God's call to do this. I realize the weight of attitude afresh these days.
In other words, despite some of the obvious pressures that most in my planting shoes would experience such as the amount of work to be done before we are even up and running, by far, the greatest challenge and perhaps the toughest test resides in my head. If I interpret our considerable struggles as evidence that we should not be doing any of this in the first place, my mental trajectory will head for the basement where feeling sorry for myself wallows unchecked. If I judge my struggles as opportunities for perseverance, innovation, and hope, my trajectory locks on the horizon, and I keep to the trail.
The thing is, I can choose which way to go simply by how I read the circumstances and how I let my feelings weigh in. I'm a feeler more than I like to admit, so my feelings shout at me regularly. They seem to influence my thinking more often when I am heading through rough waters. They want my attitude to be that of a weak-kneed quitter. They quickly jump to the conclusion that abandoning ship is the best course of action and soon. Save yourself, pal!
To the converse, if I read the situation with the attitude of hope and faith-filled optimism, I may still not like the pain or fear I am experiencing, but I refuse to surrender my future to the scoundrels of doubt. I keep my eyes on the horizon, no matter. Tomorrow is a new day and God has not said "Hang it up."
I have to admit I am surprised at the fierceness of this battle over the trajectory of my attitude every day. I knew coming up here would not be a cakewalk, but the sometimes fragility of my attitude from one day to the next has taken me aback. I am presented constantly with choices of which way I will head attitudinally. Some days I can get a few steps ahead of the hounds snapping at my heels; other days they turn me into a meal before I know what happened.
I know am being tested and tried. I feel like I am being fitted for a heavier cross I need to shoulder to follow Jesus in Northampton. It has to do with how much I will give; what cost I will pay; how much I am willing to lose for the Kingdom. My faith has to measure the immensity of the call. The faith I brought here needs conditioning. It has to be able to hold fast to the trajectory of hope and resolve no matter the testing and trial. And I have to die to the trajectory of fear, the trajectory of self-love above all. In fact, I have to die to myself in ways I have never given permission before. It's all in how I see it and what trajectory I will ultimately carry.
In other words, despite some of the obvious pressures that most in my planting shoes would experience such as the amount of work to be done before we are even up and running, by far, the greatest challenge and perhaps the toughest test resides in my head. If I interpret our considerable struggles as evidence that we should not be doing any of this in the first place, my mental trajectory will head for the basement where feeling sorry for myself wallows unchecked. If I judge my struggles as opportunities for perseverance, innovation, and hope, my trajectory locks on the horizon, and I keep to the trail.
The thing is, I can choose which way to go simply by how I read the circumstances and how I let my feelings weigh in. I'm a feeler more than I like to admit, so my feelings shout at me regularly. They seem to influence my thinking more often when I am heading through rough waters. They want my attitude to be that of a weak-kneed quitter. They quickly jump to the conclusion that abandoning ship is the best course of action and soon. Save yourself, pal!
To the converse, if I read the situation with the attitude of hope and faith-filled optimism, I may still not like the pain or fear I am experiencing, but I refuse to surrender my future to the scoundrels of doubt. I keep my eyes on the horizon, no matter. Tomorrow is a new day and God has not said "Hang it up."
I have to admit I am surprised at the fierceness of this battle over the trajectory of my attitude every day. I knew coming up here would not be a cakewalk, but the sometimes fragility of my attitude from one day to the next has taken me aback. I am presented constantly with choices of which way I will head attitudinally. Some days I can get a few steps ahead of the hounds snapping at my heels; other days they turn me into a meal before I know what happened.
I know am being tested and tried. I feel like I am being fitted for a heavier cross I need to shoulder to follow Jesus in Northampton. It has to do with how much I will give; what cost I will pay; how much I am willing to lose for the Kingdom. My faith has to measure the immensity of the call. The faith I brought here needs conditioning. It has to be able to hold fast to the trajectory of hope and resolve no matter the testing and trial. And I have to die to the trajectory of fear, the trajectory of self-love above all. In fact, I have to die to myself in ways I have never given permission before. It's all in how I see it and what trajectory I will ultimately carry.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
After the Jumping and Falling: Week 4
SOME GOOD THINGS --THANK YOU, JESUS:
1. My knee continues to heal: lessening pain, the incision is healing nicely; it feels a bit more stable.
2. I can walk some without the crutches.
3. I am beginning to see a few clients again in Westfield and Northampton; more next week.
4. Tricia and I get to spend more time together and I have witnessed afresh what an amazing helpmate she is...a Proverbs 31 woman and then some!
5. I was able to get important reading done and see a few great movies.
6. I get to learn more of the much needed spiritual lesson of accepting and working within limits I can't change.
7. I get to experience humility and vulnerability.
8. God has provided for us even though I didn't work any for 3 weeks!
9. I have been able to attend both Strategic Prayer Huddles and lead one.
10. I was able to write some of the imagine/northampton FAQS.
11. I have been able to resist discouragement and grow tenacity in adversity.
12. I have experienced the generosity and kindness of friends, colleagues and family.
SOME NOT SO GOOD THINGS --HELP US, JESUS:
1. I still can't drive.
2. I still get tired sooner and more easily; Tricia is doing the work of both of us.
3. Neither Tricia nor I are sleeping well because I have to sleep solely on my back, and get up in the middle of the night (she has to assist me in getting out of bed so it wakes her up).
4. Scheduling and coordinating counseling sessions again with added PT appointments is challenging and frustrating because Tricia has to drive me.
5. I am not praying and listening to God enough.
6. All the traveling we have to do.
7. The lack of mobility I still experience.
8. Having my leg locked in extension all the time because of the brace.
9. Not being able to get with folks to build community.
10. NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY DRUMS YET!!!
I hope you can hear the gratitude I have for the grace I have experienced in this, along with the frustration I am experiencing because freedom is limited and momentum is slowed.
The deal is I am reminded of all the trials and tribulations the people of God have endured throughout the centuries--that such is the normal Christian life. What I am going through now reflects what is normal, and pales compared to what many had to and still suffer today.
Keeps the feet on the ground and the perspective within reality. That's always a good thing.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Strategic Prayer Huddles: Last Night's Maiden Voyage
After our Conversations series ended 2 weeks ago, we took the next step in launching imagine last night--9 of us. We gathered for the first Strategic Prayer Huddle. It was an historic event, the first time we have gathered with other people to pray for the vision and mission of imagine/northampton. We were small, but passionate and focused.
The purpose of gathering was two-fold: To strategically "pray forward" the mission of imagine/northampton. The idea was to begin laying strategic foundations by prayer. The second was by spending time in the intimacy of prayer together a small and focused community would form organically to launch the church in May. Relationships are growing. And we know nothing substantial is accomplished without prayer and lots of it.
As the evening started, we began by being quiet together in the Presence of Jesus. Then, Dan Edwards led us in some worship to continue preparing our hearts and focus rightly. After, we settled into strategic prayer and listening to God. The praying was spontaneous, but we had some structure as well so the focus stayed toward the mission of the church.
After the evening came to an end, Tricia and Jim noted, and I felt the same, how sweet it was for us to hear the hearts of others praying for imagine. There was passion, wisdom and discernment in how they prayed. It felt so good to join with them in this. We felt connected to their hearts. The whole experience was like a refreshing oasis in the midst of struggle. These are wonderful people to be associated with.
We will continue the SPH's each Friday night through March and into April preparing for our first worship in early May.
May the prayer prepare the way for all of it.
The purpose of gathering was two-fold: To strategically "pray forward" the mission of imagine/northampton. The idea was to begin laying strategic foundations by prayer. The second was by spending time in the intimacy of prayer together a small and focused community would form organically to launch the church in May. Relationships are growing. And we know nothing substantial is accomplished without prayer and lots of it.
As the evening started, we began by being quiet together in the Presence of Jesus. Then, Dan Edwards led us in some worship to continue preparing our hearts and focus rightly. After, we settled into strategic prayer and listening to God. The praying was spontaneous, but we had some structure as well so the focus stayed toward the mission of the church.
After the evening came to an end, Tricia and Jim noted, and I felt the same, how sweet it was for us to hear the hearts of others praying for imagine. There was passion, wisdom and discernment in how they prayed. It felt so good to join with them in this. We felt connected to their hearts. The whole experience was like a refreshing oasis in the midst of struggle. These are wonderful people to be associated with.
We will continue the SPH's each Friday night through March and into April preparing for our first worship in early May.
May the prayer prepare the way for all of it.
Enduring the Ordeal (3 weeks in)
Tomorrow will end the third week since I went airborne from the truck and tore my quadraceps tendon upon landing. The days since have not been full of excruciating pain, although my knee has hurt substantially, especially early on. My recovery process due to God's grace in response to prayer I believe, has actually been rather remarkable. For that I am very grateful and in no way want to sound sniveling by what I am about write.
First a few definitions:
ORDEAL: difficult or painful experience, especially one that tests patience or endurance.
ENDURE: to carry through despite hardships, to suffer patiently without yielding; to bear with tolerance; to toughen.
STEADFAST: unswerving; steady; unwavering; unshakable.
The words above frame for me what my experience has been, what it requires, and what is to be gained by moving through it well, especially in terms of my fit for launching imagine/northampton in a tough place, and through tough times. I need to be toughened in spirit without being hardened in heart.
To explain, I chose the word ordeal because I think it describes my knee injury experience thus far. . . . with one reservation. I realize there are degrees of ordeal involving the intensity of suffering, the duration, and the consequences resulting from having to go through it. From 1-10, I think mine is a 5.
Still, the whole thing has been a painful experience which tests my patience and ability to endure well--by that I mean with integrity, graciousness, humility, faith and courage. I realize unless a person has suffered a substantial injury to the lower back, hips, knees or ankles, he or she cannot deeply appreciate how much we take for granted the ability we have to move about freely with little thought given. With such an injury all routine movements are harder due to pain, crutches, braces and just the need to be careful about doing the most ordinary of movements such as getting dressed, taking a shower, or walking through the house from one place to the next. It all hurts or takes more time and effort.
So there is much to be endured whether I like it or not. My freedom is limited. I must be cared for in the most routine of needs. I have to live with all the extra work Tricia has to do for me above and beyond everything else she has to do in our lives. I can't drive, play drums, sit for long periods (my leg is locked in extension by the brace), or help with the chores I normally do. I must bear all of it with tolerance, suffer patiently, and "carry on through despite the hardships" caused by me, and affecting Tricia. Enduring this injury well is enduring it with grace, flexibility, and laughing at it all sometimes, even when frustrated or tired.
In the end, the outcome I desire to see from enduring this mini-ordeal is my faith and resolve is unwavering and unshakable. I want to be steady toward the vision and mission God has called us to even if the cost is great and the setbacks are frequent. I want to be unswerving, keeping my eyes and heart on the True North that Jesus has called us to. I never want to let adversity tag me as a quitter when the going stays tough. "A long obedience in the same direction," is what I seek to hold fast to, no matter.
Having said the above, I need to finish by documenting 3 tormenters that have constantly tried to poke at me during this ordeal, especially at night or when I fall tired. They come as thoughts seeking to abide in my mind and create unbelief. They lie and distort, looking for an assent of my will and a giving in to fear. Ultimately, they want me to pack it all in, abandon my post, and retreat.
The first is FRUSTRATION. I don't like that I am having to go through any of this. I abhor the physical limits I must submit to until I am well. I feel trapped and blocked at times. Often, I wake up in the morning and the reality of being injured soon reminds me that none of it is going away soon. I must endure it. Also, I have to work through the frustration of having a counseling ministry in disarray right now. I have to start scheduling people in the midst of Physical Therapy appointments and I can't drive myself to any of it--more difficulty. I feel hemmed in and stymied because in a number of ways I am these days. FRUSTRATION seeks to wear me down in irritation and anger. It invites me to the worst kind of self-absorption: entitlement. I should be free to do as I please, when and how I please. Don't slow me down!!!
The second is FEAR. The thoughts begin to whisper to me: If I don't get back to work soon, there will be no money coming in. We'll default on everything. Where will we live? What will we do? People are counting on me to pull my weight. Pretty soon they are joined by reinforcements: The economy is tanking. There's nothing you can do about it. What a lousy time to launch a church! The rest of the team is not even up here and they are struggling as well. What did you get everybody into? What were you thinking? Soon the heavy-hitters come in for the kill: It's too late. Nothing's going to change. You are going to lose everything. You have failed everyone.
Finally, if I am paying attention to the first two, DISCOURAGEMENT drapes its sluggish, bloated body over me, and whines: Oh well, you're too old for this anyway. Your hope just isn't going to work out. Things are going to continue falling apart. Too bad. Nothing ever works out for you, does it? On and on it drones. If I don't wrest my thoughts away at this point I can slip toward depression which I must avoid at all costs. Discouragement wants me to go there so I disappear.
Ultimately, there are all sorts of treasures to learn from this unwanted interruption and I want to learn them all so when the day of full recovery arrives I am toughened in my character for the many challenges that still lie ahead. My injury is a part of this toughening and I submit to it.
.
First a few definitions:
ORDEAL: difficult or painful experience, especially one that tests patience or endurance.
ENDURE: to carry through despite hardships, to suffer patiently without yielding; to bear with tolerance; to toughen.
STEADFAST: unswerving; steady; unwavering; unshakable.
The words above frame for me what my experience has been, what it requires, and what is to be gained by moving through it well, especially in terms of my fit for launching imagine/northampton in a tough place, and through tough times. I need to be toughened in spirit without being hardened in heart.
To explain, I chose the word ordeal because I think it describes my knee injury experience thus far. . . . with one reservation. I realize there are degrees of ordeal involving the intensity of suffering, the duration, and the consequences resulting from having to go through it. From 1-10, I think mine is a 5.
Still, the whole thing has been a painful experience which tests my patience and ability to endure well--by that I mean with integrity, graciousness, humility, faith and courage. I realize unless a person has suffered a substantial injury to the lower back, hips, knees or ankles, he or she cannot deeply appreciate how much we take for granted the ability we have to move about freely with little thought given. With such an injury all routine movements are harder due to pain, crutches, braces and just the need to be careful about doing the most ordinary of movements such as getting dressed, taking a shower, or walking through the house from one place to the next. It all hurts or takes more time and effort.
So there is much to be endured whether I like it or not. My freedom is limited. I must be cared for in the most routine of needs. I have to live with all the extra work Tricia has to do for me above and beyond everything else she has to do in our lives. I can't drive, play drums, sit for long periods (my leg is locked in extension by the brace), or help with the chores I normally do. I must bear all of it with tolerance, suffer patiently, and "carry on through despite the hardships" caused by me, and affecting Tricia. Enduring this injury well is enduring it with grace, flexibility, and laughing at it all sometimes, even when frustrated or tired.
In the end, the outcome I desire to see from enduring this mini-ordeal is my faith and resolve is unwavering and unshakable. I want to be steady toward the vision and mission God has called us to even if the cost is great and the setbacks are frequent. I want to be unswerving, keeping my eyes and heart on the True North that Jesus has called us to. I never want to let adversity tag me as a quitter when the going stays tough. "A long obedience in the same direction," is what I seek to hold fast to, no matter.
Having said the above, I need to finish by documenting 3 tormenters that have constantly tried to poke at me during this ordeal, especially at night or when I fall tired. They come as thoughts seeking to abide in my mind and create unbelief. They lie and distort, looking for an assent of my will and a giving in to fear. Ultimately, they want me to pack it all in, abandon my post, and retreat.
The first is FRUSTRATION. I don't like that I am having to go through any of this. I abhor the physical limits I must submit to until I am well. I feel trapped and blocked at times. Often, I wake up in the morning and the reality of being injured soon reminds me that none of it is going away soon. I must endure it. Also, I have to work through the frustration of having a counseling ministry in disarray right now. I have to start scheduling people in the midst of Physical Therapy appointments and I can't drive myself to any of it--more difficulty. I feel hemmed in and stymied because in a number of ways I am these days. FRUSTRATION seeks to wear me down in irritation and anger. It invites me to the worst kind of self-absorption: entitlement. I should be free to do as I please, when and how I please. Don't slow me down!!!
The second is FEAR. The thoughts begin to whisper to me: If I don't get back to work soon, there will be no money coming in. We'll default on everything. Where will we live? What will we do? People are counting on me to pull my weight. Pretty soon they are joined by reinforcements: The economy is tanking. There's nothing you can do about it. What a lousy time to launch a church! The rest of the team is not even up here and they are struggling as well. What did you get everybody into? What were you thinking? Soon the heavy-hitters come in for the kill: It's too late. Nothing's going to change. You are going to lose everything. You have failed everyone.
Finally, if I am paying attention to the first two, DISCOURAGEMENT drapes its sluggish, bloated body over me, and whines: Oh well, you're too old for this anyway. Your hope just isn't going to work out. Things are going to continue falling apart. Too bad. Nothing ever works out for you, does it? On and on it drones. If I don't wrest my thoughts away at this point I can slip toward depression which I must avoid at all costs. Discouragement wants me to go there so I disappear.
Ultimately, there are all sorts of treasures to learn from this unwanted interruption and I want to learn them all so when the day of full recovery arrives I am toughened in my character for the many challenges that still lie ahead. My injury is a part of this toughening and I submit to it.
.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Might As Well Jump!
(With a nod to Van Halen)
So there I was perched on the lip of the UHaul van we were loading. The Baynes were moving from their place in Simsbury to temporary quarters before relocating this summer to Northampton. I was there with the others on the team to help "tote that barge and lift that bale." Turned out to be a bad idea.
I had just brought some boxes or something onto the truck and was heading back out to get more. Brad was ahead of me and chose to jump off the truck rather than go down the ramp. Brad is in great shape and much younger than I. The drop was about 3.5 feet, I think. As I stood at the lip, my first thought was I should go down the ramp. I hesitated because we had all commented what a steep angle the ramp had on this truck--steeper than I had experienced. So I jumped . . . .
I remember as I hit that the landing was harder than I anticipated. And I felt my knees lock as I hit. Immediately, I heard a loud pop, felt a sharp pain in my right knee, and fell forward toward the asphalt. On the ground, I instantly grabbed my knee because of the pain and the thought occurred, "Here we go again!" 15 years earlier, I had shredded my ACL and MCL in my left knee playing contact volleyball without pads or helmet, and I remember the sickening sound of tearing ligaments, the searing pain, and having my leg collapse under me without my consent.
Later, sometime between the jump and shuttling between the Emergency Room and doctor appointments the thought also occurred to me how remarkable one nanosecond decision can make on how life happens after. My decision to jump was a foolish impulse so my days now are filled with all sorts of very deliberate decisions because of it. The die was cast.
Such a small assent to an renegade thought puts in motion life-altering challenges, problems and even unwanted pain! A nanosecond thought has so much power and hides consequences beyond imagining at the time. In the end, impulsive thoughts acted on can turn out to be thieves stealing peace, liberty, even life. In my case, this little bugger stole: work, income, a healthy knee, time helping others, freedom of mobility and Tricia's time. I bet I wouldn't have jumped if I'd known the costly chain of experiences I would have to go through.
But . . . as the saying goes: no use crying over spilled milk, (or a busted knee, for that matter).
(Now for a related sidebar): As often happens in mishaps, especially when you take time to notice, there are opportunities for laughing at the inanity of people, including yourself--always a good thing. So as you might guess I have heard the, "What were you thinking?" questions more than once, mostly from strangers, bless their hearts. Often, it is followed with relish by the, "And at your age!" exclamation. Someone even said something about it just goes to show the best course of action is never to help--I think she was joking--especially when it involves moving. And I have been counseled wryly, "No jumping!" Finally, it does not help with one's sense of being in good hands when the Emergency Room nurses, physician's assistant, and radiologist upon seeing the injury grimace and let out a "Whoa!" Whoa indeed . . .
Seriously though, I think the right perspective after the whining and swearing is to not lose sight of the fact I am a Jesus follower, however. It's my primary identity, good knees or not. I constantly need my mind to turn toward how he will use this moronic mishap to his Kingdom benefit? For instance, maybe the suffering Tricia and I are going through and might for 6-8 weeks will humble and make me more submissive to him, more malleable in his redemptive hands, more compassionate. I hope it does.
Or maybe I get a fresh helping of grace requiring me to be patient with needing to have all sorts of help, the kind men hate: physical strength and the alpha-dog credo of having to do always for one's self is cut to the quick with orthopedic injuries which hobble us substantially. "No thanks pardner, I got it," is how we do everything, especially in front of other men. It is expected, in a way that makes us all our own worst enemies and often. More importantly, being made physically weak temporarily reminds me of my vulnerability and exposes the illusion that I am not. So I get to see the truth again.
Maybe wisdom will follow.
Also, I have to realize there are experiences beyond our desire or control we will have to endure, period. I knew that as soon as I heard my tendon pop. We don't like to think about enduring pain or suffering. It just doesn't feel good. But, while I made the snap decision to jump I will now have to endure the healing and recovery process, no turning back. My life has been interrupted by this unwelcome turn of events. I know Jesus will be with me in it, but I will have to endure unpleasant things nevertheless. I also know that having to endure protracted seasons of trial and affliction have always served to make me more real, more human and empathetic. The "grinding down," of enduring creates slowly in me a heart of flesh. It is a gift, although it never feels like it.
And I realize that from a community perspective, my temporary disabling offers other people the chance to help us. I am going to be laid up for a few weeks and will require help I don't even anticipate yet. Tricia is amazing in her ability to rise to the occasion and do everything. She is fierce and lion-hearted in that regard. But, she is being sorely tested as well. She can only do so much, given our lives these days. People helping each other is how God intends community. It ennobles them and lightens the load for others creating freedom. Loving and serving best reflects the nature of God and manifests his grace in ways we can discover from him for a lifetime. We will need some of that from others.
So I jumped and my life changed in ways I did not expect. I have been here before, but I am different from the last time. I made it through the first time. It was very hard, but grace walked with us, and love. Jesus used some of that suffering to change and prepare me for what he wanted me to carry next for his Kingdom . He will do it again up here in Northampton from all this . . . far more than I can ask or imagine, I bet.
Pray that Tricia and I miss none of what he wants to say, or do with us through this ordeal.
So there I was perched on the lip of the UHaul van we were loading. The Baynes were moving from their place in Simsbury to temporary quarters before relocating this summer to Northampton. I was there with the others on the team to help "tote that barge and lift that bale." Turned out to be a bad idea.
I had just brought some boxes or something onto the truck and was heading back out to get more. Brad was ahead of me and chose to jump off the truck rather than go down the ramp. Brad is in great shape and much younger than I. The drop was about 3.5 feet, I think. As I stood at the lip, my first thought was I should go down the ramp. I hesitated because we had all commented what a steep angle the ramp had on this truck--steeper than I had experienced. So I jumped . . . .
I remember as I hit that the landing was harder than I anticipated. And I felt my knees lock as I hit. Immediately, I heard a loud pop, felt a sharp pain in my right knee, and fell forward toward the asphalt. On the ground, I instantly grabbed my knee because of the pain and the thought occurred, "Here we go again!" 15 years earlier, I had shredded my ACL and MCL in my left knee playing contact volleyball without pads or helmet, and I remember the sickening sound of tearing ligaments, the searing pain, and having my leg collapse under me without my consent.
Later, sometime between the jump and shuttling between the Emergency Room and doctor appointments the thought also occurred to me how remarkable one nanosecond decision can make on how life happens after. My decision to jump was a foolish impulse so my days now are filled with all sorts of very deliberate decisions because of it. The die was cast.
Such a small assent to an renegade thought puts in motion life-altering challenges, problems and even unwanted pain! A nanosecond thought has so much power and hides consequences beyond imagining at the time. In the end, impulsive thoughts acted on can turn out to be thieves stealing peace, liberty, even life. In my case, this little bugger stole: work, income, a healthy knee, time helping others, freedom of mobility and Tricia's time. I bet I wouldn't have jumped if I'd known the costly chain of experiences I would have to go through.
But . . . as the saying goes: no use crying over spilled milk, (or a busted knee, for that matter).
(Now for a related sidebar): As often happens in mishaps, especially when you take time to notice, there are opportunities for laughing at the inanity of people, including yourself--always a good thing. So as you might guess I have heard the, "What were you thinking?" questions more than once, mostly from strangers, bless their hearts. Often, it is followed with relish by the, "And at your age!" exclamation. Someone even said something about it just goes to show the best course of action is never to help--I think she was joking--especially when it involves moving. And I have been counseled wryly, "No jumping!" Finally, it does not help with one's sense of being in good hands when the Emergency Room nurses, physician's assistant, and radiologist upon seeing the injury grimace and let out a "Whoa!" Whoa indeed . . .
Seriously though, I think the right perspective after the whining and swearing is to not lose sight of the fact I am a Jesus follower, however. It's my primary identity, good knees or not. I constantly need my mind to turn toward how he will use this moronic mishap to his Kingdom benefit? For instance, maybe the suffering Tricia and I are going through and might for 6-8 weeks will humble and make me more submissive to him, more malleable in his redemptive hands, more compassionate. I hope it does.
Or maybe I get a fresh helping of grace requiring me to be patient with needing to have all sorts of help, the kind men hate: physical strength and the alpha-dog credo of having to do always for one's self is cut to the quick with orthopedic injuries which hobble us substantially. "No thanks pardner, I got it," is how we do everything, especially in front of other men. It is expected, in a way that makes us all our own worst enemies and often. More importantly, being made physically weak temporarily reminds me of my vulnerability and exposes the illusion that I am not. So I get to see the truth again.
Maybe wisdom will follow.
Also, I have to realize there are experiences beyond our desire or control we will have to endure, period. I knew that as soon as I heard my tendon pop. We don't like to think about enduring pain or suffering. It just doesn't feel good. But, while I made the snap decision to jump I will now have to endure the healing and recovery process, no turning back. My life has been interrupted by this unwelcome turn of events. I know Jesus will be with me in it, but I will have to endure unpleasant things nevertheless. I also know that having to endure protracted seasons of trial and affliction have always served to make me more real, more human and empathetic. The "grinding down," of enduring creates slowly in me a heart of flesh. It is a gift, although it never feels like it.
And I realize that from a community perspective, my temporary disabling offers other people the chance to help us. I am going to be laid up for a few weeks and will require help I don't even anticipate yet. Tricia is amazing in her ability to rise to the occasion and do everything. She is fierce and lion-hearted in that regard. But, she is being sorely tested as well. She can only do so much, given our lives these days. People helping each other is how God intends community. It ennobles them and lightens the load for others creating freedom. Loving and serving best reflects the nature of God and manifests his grace in ways we can discover from him for a lifetime. We will need some of that from others.
So I jumped and my life changed in ways I did not expect. I have been here before, but I am different from the last time. I made it through the first time. It was very hard, but grace walked with us, and love. Jesus used some of that suffering to change and prepare me for what he wanted me to carry next for his Kingdom . He will do it again up here in Northampton from all this . . . far more than I can ask or imagine, I bet.
Pray that Tricia and I miss none of what he wants to say, or do with us through this ordeal.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Holding It All Loosely
Psalm 127:1 says plainly: "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.
In these first weeks and months of launching imagine/northampton, I am learning to hold loosely the great dream and persistent desire that lives within me to make this launch happen.
I would hope that those of you reading my blog get a sense of how much passion I have for this work. It is no light matter to me. I am in "lock, stock and barrel" because I am convinced that the Church is the hope of the world. The people of Northampton who are far from Jesus are worth every ounce of effort I can spend to open them to him. Imagine/northampton is our way of doing so.
People who know me well know I am a man of passion, in general. My heart is fired by what I value. I hate lukewarm and passive. Willful indifference angers me. However, the downside is I can let my desire to see something happen get the best of me. The result is eventual frustration that, if not corralled, can sink me into a malaise, or worse, depression. I can't afford for that to happen.
So, I am learning to hold all of what needs to occur quite loosely. It plays out as a "long obedience in the same direction" these days. I keep my eyes on the horizon in the direction I am trying to head--one foot in front of the other; one day at a time. Some days feel like good progress is being made. Some days feel like "the faster I go, the behinder I get." A few feel like I settled into the groove and kept in step with the Spirit: a door was opened, someone showed up who moved it all forward a bit, things went as they felt they should and tangible progress was made. I like those days, and I know it was God who made them be.
Lately, I am finding this holding it all loosely business and letting God actually build this house occurs in three ways for me:
1. As you would expect, launching a church requires the gifts and efforts of all sorts of people besides the Leadership Team, no matter how skillful it might be. Often they "show up" unexpectedly through a series of connections outside of our awareness: someone talks to someone and gets in touch. We are experiencing that with very gifted and accomplished people. So I get really excited, but if I am not careful, my design of making an impact that moves people beyond where they are kicks in with a vengence, and I try to maneuver them into position before God has given the command in accord with his exquisite timing. Because my desire for them to come on board can overtake me, and if they don't, frustration and disappointment will settle in, I am learning to be supportive and enthusiastic, while surrendering to God's moving things along as suits him. It's a nice freedom to live in I'm finding.
2. The same holds true for all the critical pieces of the logistical puzzle that needs to be put in place. Currently, we need a suitable venue to hold our first worship on Easter weekend. Where will that be? We need to form a worship team. Who will be on it? We need technical equipment. Where will that come from? We need all sorts of money to make this happen. When will it arrive? That's just for one worship gathering. There are a gazillion other issues to settle in the weeks and months ahead. Nevertheless, I am learning to let God build when the need must be met. I am amazed to see how God makes this happen without us. He brings it into being. Holding important logistical matters loosely lowers the stress of having to make it happen and opens the door to God's unparalleled ability to do only what he can. While we need to work and work hard, we can let it go too.
3. Lastly, I have found that creating concepts, events and structures teach the same lesson of the need to hold it all loosely. Because we have started on the groundfloor level, much of our initial efforts focused on issues like: What is the name of the church? What will we name our roles in the church, like I am a Spiritual Formation Catalyst? What will we name of events, like 6 Evenings of Conversation? How can we creatively avoid using Christianese and church jargon while retaining meaning, and not just be clever or cute with our terms? Even in this naming process we have watched God lead us to fresh ways of terming things.
One lovely result of this freedom is God increasingly becomes the focus of our awe and wonder as he does what is only his: to build his house. I find pleasure in watching him do this. It refreshes and delights me. Time in the trenches becomes enlivened as we are lifted to see his creative hand shaping it all into being.
I realize for us, "discovering the God who is far more than we imagine," is manifest these days more and more in seeing him conceive, birth, and grow imagine in our midst. He uses us for sure, but no one on the team mistakes our parts for his. I'm glad for that.
I know I need to keep learning this freedom, but I am cooperating better now than I have I think. It's about time.
In these first weeks and months of launching imagine/northampton, I am learning to hold loosely the great dream and persistent desire that lives within me to make this launch happen.
I would hope that those of you reading my blog get a sense of how much passion I have for this work. It is no light matter to me. I am in "lock, stock and barrel" because I am convinced that the Church is the hope of the world. The people of Northampton who are far from Jesus are worth every ounce of effort I can spend to open them to him. Imagine/northampton is our way of doing so.
People who know me well know I am a man of passion, in general. My heart is fired by what I value. I hate lukewarm and passive. Willful indifference angers me. However, the downside is I can let my desire to see something happen get the best of me. The result is eventual frustration that, if not corralled, can sink me into a malaise, or worse, depression. I can't afford for that to happen.
So, I am learning to hold all of what needs to occur quite loosely. It plays out as a "long obedience in the same direction" these days. I keep my eyes on the horizon in the direction I am trying to head--one foot in front of the other; one day at a time. Some days feel like good progress is being made. Some days feel like "the faster I go, the behinder I get." A few feel like I settled into the groove and kept in step with the Spirit: a door was opened, someone showed up who moved it all forward a bit, things went as they felt they should and tangible progress was made. I like those days, and I know it was God who made them be.
Lately, I am finding this holding it all loosely business and letting God actually build this house occurs in three ways for me:
1. As you would expect, launching a church requires the gifts and efforts of all sorts of people besides the Leadership Team, no matter how skillful it might be. Often they "show up" unexpectedly through a series of connections outside of our awareness: someone talks to someone and gets in touch. We are experiencing that with very gifted and accomplished people. So I get really excited, but if I am not careful, my design of making an impact that moves people beyond where they are kicks in with a vengence, and I try to maneuver them into position before God has given the command in accord with his exquisite timing. Because my desire for them to come on board can overtake me, and if they don't, frustration and disappointment will settle in, I am learning to be supportive and enthusiastic, while surrendering to God's moving things along as suits him. It's a nice freedom to live in I'm finding.
2. The same holds true for all the critical pieces of the logistical puzzle that needs to be put in place. Currently, we need a suitable venue to hold our first worship on Easter weekend. Where will that be? We need to form a worship team. Who will be on it? We need technical equipment. Where will that come from? We need all sorts of money to make this happen. When will it arrive? That's just for one worship gathering. There are a gazillion other issues to settle in the weeks and months ahead. Nevertheless, I am learning to let God build when the need must be met. I am amazed to see how God makes this happen without us. He brings it into being. Holding important logistical matters loosely lowers the stress of having to make it happen and opens the door to God's unparalleled ability to do only what he can. While we need to work and work hard, we can let it go too.
3. Lastly, I have found that creating concepts, events and structures teach the same lesson of the need to hold it all loosely. Because we have started on the groundfloor level, much of our initial efforts focused on issues like: What is the name of the church? What will we name our roles in the church, like I am a Spiritual Formation Catalyst? What will we name of events, like 6 Evenings of Conversation? How can we creatively avoid using Christianese and church jargon while retaining meaning, and not just be clever or cute with our terms? Even in this naming process we have watched God lead us to fresh ways of terming things.
One lovely result of this freedom is God increasingly becomes the focus of our awe and wonder as he does what is only his: to build his house. I find pleasure in watching him do this. It refreshes and delights me. Time in the trenches becomes enlivened as we are lifted to see his creative hand shaping it all into being.
I realize for us, "discovering the God who is far more than we imagine," is manifest these days more and more in seeing him conceive, birth, and grow imagine in our midst. He uses us for sure, but no one on the team mistakes our parts for his. I'm glad for that.
I know I need to keep learning this freedom, but I am cooperating better now than I have I think. It's about time.
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